A/N: This fic is dedicated to Genevieve. I hope this makes you laugh, girl. We all need a good laugh sometimes.
This fic is part of The Potter Family Chronicles.
This story is an entry to a writing fest in Hermione's Nook - Siriusly Amazing Writing Challenge.
Prompts
"Did you get my note?"
"Of course I got it. You taped it to my forehead while I was sleeping."
The other prompts used are from memes. I love combining things. And Voila!
Review, fave, and follow if you enjoyed this one.
PRANKS, NOTES, AND REDS
By: tweety-src-clt9
The Ancient and Noble House of Potter was filled with legendary members. With the incumbent lord known as the Slayer of Voldemort and his wife, the Minister for Magic, the Potters were the most admired family in Wizarding Britain. It's an accolade that was most deserved due to their efforts in ending the second blood war and for propelling magical society forward.
The magical community was now a picture of prosperity, peace, and equality. Every single witch and wizard knew that they owed Lord Harry James Potter and his wife, Lady Hermione Potter a lot. The brave couple played pivotal roles in ending Voldemort and his Death Eaters. They also spearheaded radical change by advocating for laws that benefited everyone.
What made this couple more admirable was the fact that they remained humble and down to earth. They're kind, helpful, and friendly. Once you crossed them though or if you treated someone with disrespect, well, it wouldn't end well. Hermione Potter, the Minister for Magic, was a formidable witch. Let's not even discuss how intimidating her husband could truly be when provoked. The pureblood bigots had long understood that you should never insult the Lady Potter because Lord Potter's not the type of wizard that you wanted as an enemy.
To the rest of the magical community, the Potters were like a noble and model family they all looked up to. But to the people that really knew them, well, that's so far from the truth. In fact, the Potters, especially Harry and Hermione, enjoyed pranking each other. It was a part of their relationship which only their friends and loved ones knew about.
Harry Potter and Hermione Granger never really had a childhood. So, the couple's flirting could get really crazy – sometimes it's a full-on prank war that neither wanted to yield to.
The three Potter children, Viola Lily, James Sirius, and Harold Remus had long been accustomed to their parents' silly antics since they loved pranks as well.
Viola Lily, the eldest, adapted her mum's pranking style – sly and cunning.
James Sirius was more like his father – over-the-top hilarious pranks. It's either you go big or go home for him.
Harold Remus as the youngest member of the House of Potter loved using his innocence so he could get away with his pranks. His style was very similar to his mum who pouts and flutters her eyelashes at their besotted father when she requested to buy more books.
Overall, the five Potters were a happy fun-loving family. With both parents as Gryffindors, their eldest a Ravenclaw, the second a Hufflepuff, and the youngest a Slytherin, there's never a boring day at Potter Manor.
oOOOOo
This morning, Harry Potter was the first to awaken. As the Head Auror and husband of the Minister for Magic, he had access to Hermione's schedule. He knew that she would be meeting members of the Bulgarian ministry today. While he truly didn't have any political issues with the Bulgarians, he had a personal issue with one of their delegates, their Head of the Department for Sports and Entertainment, Viktor Krum.
Viktor Krum, just the thought of the former Quidditch star made his blood boil. He's never been a fan of the Bulgarian but it seemed that Viktor's fascination with his Hermione had significantly grown over time. They ran into Viktor a few months ago for an event at the International Confederation of Wizards and it's very obvious that the divorcee still wanted the Lady Potter.
The eyes could never lie. The bloody Bulgarian still had the hots for Harry Potter's wife.
Since their kids accompanied them for the event, even Jamie pointed out that it's weird for Mr. Krum to be constantly looking at their mum. He chuckled at the memory. His sons were very protective of their mother and sister. A trait that they most certainly inherited from him. So, when he mentioned that Viktor Krum would be coming to Britain for official business at the ministry, his sons had a prank idea.
Of course, he followed through with the prank. It's harmless, funny, and it's a good reminder for Viktor and the rest of the wizards who had the hots for his wife that Hermione Granger was and always would be Harry Potter's wife.
"Love, are you ready to go?" Hermione called out from the ensuite bathroom.
"Just flipping channels on the telly, love. I'm ready if you are," he replied.
When Hermione walked out the door, he frowned. Why did his wife always look so good? She's wearing a white dress shirt tucked under a black pencil skirt. The outfit was completed by a red suit jacket and matching red pumps. She tied her hair in a bun with some loose curls framing her face. She wore no make-up except for lip gloss. Hermione always had clear smooth skin so she really didn't need it.
"Is something wrong, love?"
"Why do you always look good?" He pouted and she chuckled.
"Shouldn't you be happy about that?"
"But it's Viktor Krum," he whined.
"So?" She rolled her eyes.
"He still has the hots for you," he said grumpily and she laughed.
She plonked herself on his lap before pinching his cheeks. "You're so silly."
"Even Jamie and Harold think so," he muttered.
"Who am I?"
"Huh?"
"Just answer me. Who am I?"
"The Minister for Magic?" He didn't understand where she's going with this.
"Try again."
"Hermione Granger–Potter," he said.
"Yes, that's right. Hermione Potter. Not Krum. So, there's no need for you to get whiny," she said with amusement.
"Fine," he muttered.
"You're so cute when you're jealous," she whispered before pecking him on the lips and he smiled a little.
"It bothers me that he still wants you," his thumb traced her chin. She's really so beautiful. The epitome of elegance, grace, and subtle confidence that's just so sexy.
"Think about it this way, he's just like the witches who drool over you," she said placatingly.
"That's not the same thing."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"Those witches only see the legend of the Man Who Conquered. Men like Viktor, well, they think and talk about your – " he gestured to her body.
"Well, they can look but they can't touch. I'm yours. Just yours… I disagree with you though. My husband is bloody sexy and those witches can keep drooling but your mine – just as much as I am yours... Okay?"
"I love you, Hermione." This time, he leaned in for a gentle kiss.
"I love you too, Harry," she whispered with a contented sigh.
"We should go. The sooner we meet Viktor, the sooner he can leave," he said and she only rolled her eyes.
"Stop with the passive legilimency on people. It's because you're reading their thoughts that you get jealous," she shook her head in exasperation.
"I don't do it intentionally. It's not my fault those blokes' thoughts are just screaming 'I'm so hot for the minister' that it's so easy to read," he retorted and she chuckled. Hermione held his hand and dragged him to the floo.
He knew that he could be a jealous git sometimes but when you're married to the Brightest Witch of the Age who always looked so damned fine – well, it's inevitable.
oOOOOo
Instead of focusing on the beautiful face of the Minister for Magic, the first thing that Viktor Krum noticed was the large prints on the Head Auror's dress shirt. What the heck is Google? He frowned. This action was obviously noticed by the astute minister.
"Is something the matter, Viktor?" Hermione asked.
"What's Google?"
"It's a search engine. The biggest search portal on the Internet," Hermione explained.
"Oh. So, it's a muggle thing, da?"
"Well, yes… But why would you ask that?" Her voice was laced with confusion.
"It says so right there. I don't need Google, my wife knows everything" Viktor pointed to Harry Potter's dress shirt. Hermione turned to her husband and frowned.
"I don't see anything," she countered.
"It's right there," he insisted.
"Who else sees the supposed print on Harry's shirt?" Hermione asked and all of the wizards in the room raised their hands. Only the witch who was Viktor's secretary couldn't see the print.
Hermione turned to Harry and frowned. Viktor could only shake his head in amusement. It's obvious that Harry Potter was doing this to mark his territory. It seemed that the Lord of the House of Potter knew that he still fancied Lady Potter.
Harry Potter stood there looking innocent and confused. Try as he might to conceal the mirth in his eyes, it was no use. Hermione knew him very well. He would be in trouble for sure but he just couldn't resist a good prank. The way Viktor's eyes roamed all over his wife's body was just too annoying. Also, it didn't help that the Bulgarian's mental shields were so weak that his attraction was just so obvious. It's like his brain was just shouting his lust to the rooftops.
Hermione ever astute glared at her husband for a bit before clearing her throat. "Mr. Krum and company, welcome to the British Ministry of Magic. If you'll all please take a seat, we can start this meeting," she was all business now.
"Of course, Minister Potter," Viktor nodded respectfully. His party all took their seats in the conference room while waiting for the minister's lead.
"Lacey, can you please hand in copies of the proposal for the pertinent arrangements to the World Cup?" Hermione turned to her secretary.
"Of course, Minister Potter," the house-elf distributed parchments all over the round table.
And with that, the extravagant print on the Head Auror's shirt was easily forgotten. The wizards could still see it but they had pressing matters to discuss. Viktor was once again amazed at the brilliance of the British Minister for Magic. Her beauty and elegance also didn't help in curbing his attraction. Harry Potter was truly a very lucky bastard.
oOOOOo
"Harry! What was that all about?" Hermione inquired with a slight edge to her voice as soon as the Bulgarians left the conference room.
"I'm sorry, love. It's just a silly prank," he muttered. Might as well be honest because she'd easily understand his intentions anyway. In times of uncertainty, it's best to just beg for forgiveness.
Hermione sighed before speaking, "Why in the name of Merlin did you even think of such a thing?"
Harry winced. He's in serious trouble now.
"Remember when we ran into Viktor at the ICW along with the kids?" He started his explanation and she nodded. "Well, Jamie noticed that he still fancied you and when I mentioned he's coming over for a meeting about the World Cup, Jamie and Harold had this idea – "
"You connived with our sons for this silly prank?" She crossed her arms and gave him a stern look. Oh, Merlin! I think I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
"Er, yes," he confessed.
"What's the point of all this anyway?"
"It's pretty straightforward. Any blokes who are attracted to you, they'll see the concealed print on my dress shirt," he admitted.
"Hmm… How did you do it?" Harry almost smiled at his wife's question. Even if she was clearly annoyed with him, her desire to always know about things superseded everything else.
"Harold suggested a special intent-based glamor charm. Jamie did the arithmancy calculations so we can tweak the spell to suit what we wanted to happen and I powered it."
"I see… Well, at least the boys get the chance to learn something new," she sighed. "But really, Harry! I don't understand why you're so bothered by Viktor. I'm married to YOU, love. You." He could hear the amusement in her voice now.
"It just bothers me. The way he thinks about you and sees you – it's disturbing. Also, he's your first boyfriend," the last statement sounded like a whine. Almost but not quite.
Hermione laughed before she pinched her adorable git of a husband's cheeks. "It's annoying that I can't be mad at you about this," she chuckled before lightly pecking his lips.
"I'm gonna expect a retaliation, right?" He asked in resignation.
"Of course! I'm not letting this go. Well played, Lord Potter. Well played," Hermione patted his cheek playfully.
"Figures," he muttered.
"Let's go home, love. I'm tired! That meeting was too tedious. And you know how I feel about Quidditch talk," she rolled her eyes.
Harry kissed the top of her head. Hermione may be the minister now but some things just never changed.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Yup! Let me just grab my – "
Harry raised a hand and summoned Hermione's purse and robe. "Show-off," she said good-naturedly and he smirked. Yes, some things remained constant – both of them still enjoyed silly competitions.
oOOOOo
"Master Harry! Wakey wakey!"
"Argh!" Harry groaned as he grabbed a pillow to cover his face.
"Master Harry, you's be late for Wizengamot," Winky tried again.
"Oh, shit!" He groggily got out of bed. When he entered the bathroom to brush his teeth, the first thing he noticed as he stared at his reflection on the mirror was the sticky note on his forehead.
Ah! This must be the start of Hermione's retaliation, he chuckled. He removed the yellow sticky note from his forehead and read the short letter.
Hi Love,
Please buy these things from the shops.
01 Red lipstick
02 Nude foundation
Consider this as my petty retaliation, darling.
I'm too busy to think of a better one.
I'll see you at the Ministry. I reckon you can use some more sleep after last night.
- Lady Potter
"Huh, seems tame for Hermione. She must be really busy right now. I guess I'm off to buy makeup later," he shrugged as he vanished the note to the inner pocket of his Wizengamot robe. He needed a quick shower before apparating to the ministry.
After his shower and changing into the appropriate Wizengamot attire, he was about to dash to the ministry when Winky popped in front of him. "This be Master Harry's snack. Mistress asked Winky to give Master a snack bag because Master be sleeping in," the house-elf handed him a bag of food.
"Thanks, Winky!" He grinned at the house-elf before apparating to the office of the Head Auror. He had ten minutes to spare before the start of the Wizengamot session.
oOOOOo
It was a busy day for Hermione so after their quick lunch together, they had to part ways again. Since he had a two-hour window in his calendar, he decided to apparate somewhere in Oxford Street so he could buy the items listed on Hermione's note.
He didn't know anything about makeup. The only thing he knew was that his wife and only daughter preferred muggle cosmetics than wizarding ones – something about shades and formula being better. He didn't understand why but he knew they enjoyed muggle products so he decided to go to one of the best shopping districts. He ought to find something good there right?
How hard could it be to buy a red lipstick and a nude foundation after all? He knew what lipstick was but he was confused about the word foundation. Whether it was powder or some cream thing, he didn't care. He was determined to buy what his wife asked. Happy wife, happy life. Besides, Hermione looked damned sexy in red lipstick. It did something for his insides, so who was he to argue?
"Okay. I got this. How hard can it be?" he gave himself a pep talk as he faced the main entrance of The Beauty Workshop in Selfridges.
It turned out that buying makeup was more complicated than he expected. When one of the ushers pointed him to the place where all things beauty was located, he expected a one-stop-shop. But no! The beauty section was around five thousand square feet filled with rows and rows of products he had no bloody clue about. Oh, Merlin! I should have known Hermione would prank me back, he sighed.
"Just go in there. Find someone to help you, grab a product and go," he said with determination as he entered the very large beauty section.
His eyes widened in surprise. He expected one brand. But no! There were so many in here. How would he know if it's the right one? What the hell? I thought Dior and Chanel were just clothes! They have make-up too! Good lord!
He approached a row filled with lipsticks and his jaw-dropped. Bloody hell! There were so many red lipsticks down here. How was he supposed to know the difference? He tried picking one red lipstick and then another but he couldn't understand the difference. One said flaming red while the other was called flirty red. Where the fuck was red – as in just red?
"Bugger! I'll just buy as much as I can. Maybe I'll end up getting it right," he grabbed as much red lipstick he could find before dropping them inside his shopping basket.
He was about to navigate for whatever the hell was a nude foundation when he felt his auror badge buzzing underneath his trousers. Oh shit! I must get out of here as soon as possible!
There was a lady in a corner booth who looked like a member of the staff so he approached her. "Excuse me, miss? Can you help me find what a nude foundation is? I need to be out of here as soon as possible," he was direct to the point. He needed to leave soon.
"Well sir, is there a shade number or specific brand preferences?" The lady fluttered her eyelashes at him. Honestly! I have no time for this.
"My wife asked me to buy nude foundation so if you could get me one, that would be great," he emphasized the word wife. He hated it when women came on to him. Hello, don't you see my wedding ring, he fought the urge to roll his eyes when the saleslady looked sheepish.
"Does your wife have a favorite brand sir, we have La Mer, Lancome, Laura Mercier – "
"Just get me as much nude foundation as you can. I don't really care about the brand. I'm in a hurry. I'm sure my wife will find something she'd like," he interrupted. Hopefully, he added in his head.
"Of course, sir. Please follow me," the lady said and she grabbed an empty basket and picked up fancy looking bottles of various shapes and sizes.
The lady escorted him to the counter and he had two baskets. One basket contained various red lipsticks and the other had bottles of nude foundation. The cashier gave him an odd look but he didn't care.
"Do you have a membership card, sir?" The cashier asked and he gave her a look that said – really?
"Er, no. Maybe my wife has one. I'm not sure. She asked me to pick up stuff," he shrugged as he handed his black Gringotts card.
"Since you've purchased a significant amount, sir, we'll be giving you samples, a special gift bag, and a discount card – "
"Okay, thank you. I'm really sorry but I'm in a hurry so I'll take whatever is in there. I hope my wife will enjoy one of these things," he pointed to the lipsticks and the bottles.
"Of course, sir." He could tell that the cashier wanted to chuckle at his cluelessness.
Finally, after five minutes, his two bags of makeup and freebies were packed and paid for. After that, he got out of there as quickly as possible because his badge was buzzing like crazy.
oOOOOo
Harry Potter exited the fireplace feeling really tired and worn-out. He had a long day. A Wizengamot session in the morning, that crazy shopping for makeup, and then there was the altercation in Knockturn Alley.
The first thing he saw was his sons playing with Crookshanks on the carpeted floor. Viola Lily was reading a book and Hermione was knitting something. Despite the long tiring day, he smiled. It felt so good to be home and see his family.
"Daddy!" Jamie and Harold chorused since they were the first ones to notice him.
"Hello!" He grinned as he lovingly clapped his sons' backs.
"Dad!" Viola looked up from her book before running to greet him. He hugged his daughter before turning to his now smiling wife.
"Hi, love. Long day?" Hermione asked. He gave her a peck on the lips before wrapping his free arm around her waist. Together, they walked towards the large couches.
"Did you guys have dinner already?"
"No. We decided to wait for you," Hermione replied.
He remembered his purchases so he handed the two bags to her. Hermione had a confused look on her face.
"What is all this?" At Hermione's question, all three children looked at the bags beside their mum.
"The makeup you asked me to buy for you," he replied.
"Oh." Hermione had a gobsmacked look on her face as she turned to the bags and then to him.
"I was at Selfridges when my badge buzzed. You know, that altercation at Knockturn anyway – "
"Is this – oh! Did you get my note?" Hermione's eyes dawned in realization before she started chuckling. To his confusion, Viola started giggling too. Merlin! What did I do wrong this time?
"Of course, I got it! You taped it to my forehead while I was sleeping. It's the first thing I saw when I faced the mirror," he said defensively. To his annoyance, the two most important women in his life were now laughing out loud.
He looked at his sons who had the same befuddled look. He cleared his throat and feigned a stern look. "I don't see what's funny," he glared at Hermione who only laughed even more.
Like him, Jamie and Harold had no bloody clue as to what was so hilarious so he decided to wait for them to get over the joke that's apparently only understood by women.
"Oh, Harry! Did the saleslady trick you? Why all these bags? I asked you to buy a lipstick and a foundation for Vi," Hermione was much calmer when she said that but her eyes were still sparkling with amusement.
Harry still didn't get it. He bought what she asked for – so much more actually since he didn't understand what red and nude to buy. His daughter took the empty space on the couch and checked the bags.
"Look, mum! Daddy bought La Mer, Tom Ford – bloody hell – "
"Viola Lily, language!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Sorry… But mum, daddy bought so much luxury makeup," Viola took out some of the products and showed it to her mother.
"Oh, Merlin! Harry, didn't you bring the note? It says 01 red lipstick and 02 nude foundation," Hermione said with exasperation.
"I know! That's why I bought all the red lipsticks on the rack and then my badge was buzzing so I asked the lady to get me as many nude foundations as possible," he defended himself.
Hermione and Viola looked at each other before bursting into giggles again. He was truly getting annoyed now. What the hell was so funny?
"Oh, Harry! This is epic!" Hermione said in between laughs as she wiped her tears of laughter. He was pouting now. What the hell did he do wrong?
"Oh, daddy! You're so adorable! You didn't check the shade codes," Viola said in amusement.
"What the hell is a shade code?" he said grumpily.
"The numbers. 01 and 02," Hermione answered.
"Well, I didn't know that. I thought it's a list. 1 lipstick 2 foundation," he defended himself.
Hermione shook her head in amusement before leaning in to kiss him. It made him feel better but he still feigned annoyance. He loved it when his wife lavished him with attention.
"Look, mum! Daddy got the Chanel one too," Viola showed a fancy box to her mother.
"Harry, how much did you spend for all this?" Hermione chuckled.
"I don't know I just handed my card and got out of there… The lady gave me a discount card and some freebies and something else – go check it," he shrugged.
"Oh, Dad! You got pranked!" Jamie said before bursting out in laughter. Harold too was rolling on the floor in laughter.
"What's so funny?" he pouted.
"Oh, Harry! Vi and I don't use expensive makeup. We're big on drugstore brands. And you spent so much on all of this," Hermione couldn't keep it in so she started laughing again.
"Hey, mum! This is a brilliant prank idea! Maybe you can get daddy to buy my dresses next time," Viola teased and her brothers laughed even more.
"My own children! Laughing at me! I feel so bullied in this household," he huffed while crossing his arms. Hermione pinched his cheeks.
"You're coming with me when I go shopping for makeup next time. We can't have you making the same mistake again," Hermione kissed him on the cheek.
"Can I give some of these to my friends, mum?" Viola asked and Hermione nodded.
"Leave some for Aunt Ginny, Aunt Luna, and Aunt Fleur, darling," Hermione said.
"You're the best, daddy!" Viola tackled him with a big hug before she stored the makeup in the bags again.
"I feel like I've been duped," he muttered.
"Sure are!" His family chorused.
"I hate the pranking gene pool in this family sometimes," he pouted before he too laughed out loud. It truly was a brilliant prank. Subtle, cunning, and perfectly executed.
"You started it, love," Hermione said smugly.
"I guess that settles the score then, Lady Potter," he winked at his wife who only chuckled at that.
"I just love your adorable cluelessness," Hermione grinned and he snorted.
"Come on! I'm hungry," he held out his hand for her to take.
"Dinner!" The boys chorused. With that, the five Potters and Crookshanks walked toward the dining room.
In a family of pranksters, the house was always laughter and warmth all year round.
A/N: This story is dedicated to all the clueless men who are married to (or together with) smart, sassy, and cunning women.
The makeup brands and shade schemes are useful in real life.
So this fic is a public service for men who love women who love makeup.
P.S. The brands listed here are expensive. So if your woman wants that, then you better save up. As a girl who loves drugstore makeup, I have never tried any of those brands myself.