In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors

Summary:

In which Bruce Wayne saves the day (and Superman) without really meaning to.

Chapter 3

The next morning, Bruce is jolted out of bed by a naked Kryptonian leaping for his supersuit.

"Whatever Lex was planning, it's happening now!" Clark says when Bruce groans, thinking his lover is just late for work or something. He's out the window and speeding toward the sound of screams from outside the LexLabs facility.

"Update." Batman's voice is wide awake and holds none of the morning grogginess Bruce had exhibited less than a minute before.

"It's some kind of giant robot bent on wreaking havoc. And I'm pretty sure the beams it's shooting out of its palms are green for a reason."

"Kryptonite," the Bat hisses. "Evasive maneuvers until Brucie gets there."

"I wasn't born yesterda—did you just say 'Brucie'?!"

The robot seems hellbent on cutting a swath toward Metropolis's downtown area, and it's all Superman can do to slow it down, what with its kryptonite deathrays. He keeps an ear out for Bruce, not sure what he has planned, and it isn't too long before he hears the Prince of Gotham's airy voice coming from deep within LexLabs.

"Lexy! Lucius tells me I owe you an apology for yesterday!"

"Not now, you imbecile! How did you even get here? It's a restricted-access area!"

"Well, Lexy, I just thought to myself, where would I be if I were Lexy, doing Lexy things? So I just Lexied my way around the building, and here I am! Because here you are, and you're Lexy, and so was I!"

"What the hell are you blathering about, Wayne?"

"Alfred says whenever I'm not sure of how to deal with a person, I should put myself in that person's shoes, so that's what I did, and your shoes that I imagined to be my shoes led me here. These nice reporters helped also."

"Fine, well, GET OUT. I'm busy and don't have time to deal with idi—"

"Oooh, Lexy! Is that a drum pad you've got? I had no idea you were even into music! Drop a beat!"

"I don't—"

"Oh, did you just get it? Here, let me show you how to use it. My kid has one of these, and we have lots of fun."

Clark can hear Bruce's fingers dancing on the keys, and abruptly the robot stops shooting green rays of death at him. "Thanks, B," he says into coms.

"You know, Lexy, you should get one of the ones with the multicolored LEDs, those are much cooler than this plain purple backlight."

"Stop playing with that, you idiot! You could kill someone."

"Huh?"

"Push a button and that might well aim a deathray in our direction."

"Huh? What's that? Oh! I get it! It's not a drum pad, it's a video game controller! Oooh, Lexy, was this the project you wanted to team up on, a new video game? I should get Dick to come consult!"

"It's not—"

"He'll tell you he always beats me, but the truth is, I let him win! I'm a totally awesome gamer! Let me show you."

Abruptly, the robot's arms fall to its sides, and Clark has to jump away as jet thrusters pop out of its legs and fire, taking the robot skyward.

"Whee! This is fun, but the superfast flying might have to be nerfed a little cause it's sure to overpower the gameplay."

Lex grunts, evidently struggling to regain control of the, well, controller, but Brucie just laughs and keeps tap, tap, tapping away at the buttons.

The robot hits the mesosphere, then seems to curl up on itself (as much as a robot is capable of curling) and explodes, practically vaporizing itself. Clark hears Metropolis's citizens cheering on the streets below and shakes his head.

"Awww, what happened? I died? How many lives do I get? Lexy? Lexy? Why are the police here?"

Clark shakes his head, grinning like a loon. He's only sorry he wasn't able to video Brucie's antics this time. This will certainly be one for Batman's casefiles.

"Mr. Wayne!" He knows that voice. "Cat Grant, The Daily Planet."

"Well, hello there! You work with Clarkie, right? I love Clarkie, don't you know?"

It's about as close to a public declaration as they're ever likely to get, and the Man of Steel feels his insides turn to goo at Bruce's words.

"Yes, I do, Mr. Wayne. How do you feel about just having saved Metropolis, and Superman?"

"In the lame video game? It was kind of easy. I didn't even need a tutorial or anything. Honestly, I think Lexy needs to hire new game developers. Or maybe it's just not his thing. I mean, we've got Wayne Entertainment for that stuff, which I get to test, but I don't think Lexy's got a similar department. You need to hire the right people so they can do awesome stuff, right? That's what Lucius says, and it's true, because that's why I have Lucius."

"Mr. Wayne, you do know that wasn't a video game, right?"

"Yeah, it really sucked. I only had one life. Plus it didn't make any sense. Why would people wanna fight Superman in a game? Wouldn't they wanna be Superman? Pow-pow!"

Clark, at a loss for things to do now that there isn't even debris to save people from, uses his telescopic vision to see what Bruce is doing. His boyfriend is apparently impersonating Superman, jabbing at the air like a particularly sluggish brawler, or the worst of amateur boxers.

"Hey," Clark whines to at the billionaire via coms, "thanks to the martial arts training sessions you bully me into twice a week, I haven't moved like that in years."

"You know what? He can probably hear us, right? Let's go upstairs and find a window or something to call for Superman from." There's a ding from an elevator.

"Mr. Wayne, I don't think—"

"Are you coming, Ms. Grant?" Clark can just picture the affable smile Brucie is shooting at his colleague. "I just had the most wonderful idea!"

"If he thinks I'm missing out on this, he's got another think coming," Cat mutters. Out loud, she says, "Out of my way!"

There are grunts as evidently more reporters than can fit an elevator try to squeeze into the car with Bruce. "Please give the lady some space," Bruce says politely. "Why don't you take my arm, Ms. Grant?"

"I'd be delighted to, Mr. Wayne!" Cat's voice has gone breathy and just this side of dreamy. Clark frowns.

"Please, call me Brucie."

"Only if you call me Cat." She's got her sexy voice on. Oh, barf.

Thankfully, the elevator dings again, and after a few moments, there's a whoosh as Bruce throws open a window that must be several floors up if it's getting wind shear.

"Superman! Oh, sooooooooopermaaaaan!" Bruce singsongs into the now-robot-free Metropolis air.

That's his cue. He swoops in, floating just outside the window. "Mr. Wayne, I just want to thank you for everything you've done."

"Well, okay, but what do you think about a game where you have to play the bad robot instead of the superhero? Wouldn't you rather play you?" Brucie's patented vacant stare lights up. "We could make one with the whole Justice League!"

"Uh, that's certainly an idea, Mr. Wayne."

"Which hero would you want to play, Sue? Can I call you Sue?"

"I would rather you didn't, Mr. Wayne."

"Oh, okay. So who would you play in a video game, Superman?"

The Man of Steel smiles, lets the clicking cameras catch the amusement on his face. "That's easy. Batman."

His grin only widens when Bruce turns and gives him a glare just for him.

Brave Billionaire: Superman Lauds Bruce Wayne as Hero of Metropolis

by Clark Kent

Lex Luthor under investigation for alleged 'accidental' release of rampaging robot

METROPOLIS—Disaster nearly struck the heart of Metropolis yesterday when a giant robot sporting kryptonite death rays terrorized its downtown area, seemingly run rogue from the new LexLabs facility.

Within an hour of its first sighting and before it could cause any casualties, the day was saved—not, as most Metropolitans would expect, by Superman or his fellow members of the Justice League, but by the unlikeliest of heroes: Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne.

On a visit to the LexCorp subsidy, the so-called Prince of Gotham was able to wrest the controls away from fellow billionaire Lex Luthor, managing to send the robot into the atmosphere, where it self-destructed. [Related: "Bruce Wayne Accidentally Stops Robocalypse" by Cat Grant]

Wayne reportedly thought he was playing a "lame video game," unaware that the robot he'd seized control of was in fact locked in battle with Superman.

"Whether or not he was aware of what he was controlling, he saved a lot of lives today," Superman said yesterday in an exclusive interview. "The robot sported a kryptonite power cell and its death rays were pretty potent. I couldn't really get close enough to do much damage to it before it hit central Metropolis. I was as astonished as everyone when it stopped attacking and flew up into the atmosphere, where it vaporized itself."

When asked how he would describe Wayne, the Man of Steel said, "He's a hero, even if it's accidental."

Wayne appeared to be none the wiser about his heroism, even after Superman arrived at LexCorp shortly after the police did, alerted by the live video of the altercation between Wayne and Luthor. Instead, he appeared focused on getting the Man of Steel to agree to let his company make a Justice League-themed action-adventure game.

"Think of all the kids who dream of growing up to be Superman or Wonder Woman or the Flash," Wayne said. "They'll get a fun and safe chance to live out those dreams, instead of pretending to be nasty robots like Lexy's game wanted us to do. We could even donate the profits to charity."

Wayne is well-known as one of the most philanthropic billionaires on the planet. The Wayne Foundation's projects for Gotham youths and anti-poverty endeavors have been lauded the world over, as have their efforts to keep the city's citizens safe and healthy. Some of these projects have included the provision of bulletproof backpacks for children attending inner city schools as well as gas masks in heavily populated areas.

The Wayne Foundation's efforts at supporting rehabilitated criminals have also resulted in some of the country's lowest recidivism rates, even counting its notorious rogues gallery, which includes the Joker, Harvey "Two-Face" Dent, and Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley.

Superman must be aware of this, as he mentioned perhaps setting up a Justice Foundation similar to that of Wayne's and promised to bring up the possibility with the other League members at their next meeting.

"From what I understand, Mr. Wayne does a lot of good for his city," the Man of Steel said. "I'm sure if anyone could be trusted to turn over profits to charity, it would be someone like him."

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor was arrested following the incident with the robot above. An inquest into to whether the robot was released deliberately or escaped accidentally is underway; reasons for the robot's creation are also being investigated, as LexCorp has no outstanding contracts requiring kryptonite weaponry. Bail has yet to be set for the Metropolis billionaire.

EDIT: As of this posting, the hashtags #AccidentalHero, #GamingSavesLives, #BrucieFTW, and #WaynersVsLuthors are trending on social media. Hundreds of netizens have also tweeted their interest in playing a Justice League video game.

"Spreading the Wayne love a little thick there, Smallville," Lois says, waving her mobile, where she'd been reading Clark's latest article.

"Like Superman said, the man does a lot of good." Clark pushes his glasses up his nose and smiles at her.

"Or you've got a crush, Clarkie, you Kansan beefcake." Lois smirks and waggles her eyebrows at him.

"Well, there's something about Gothamites that has our Metropolitan cinnamon rolls hooked," Cat Grant says, coming up to sit on the edge of Clark's desk. "Did you see my video? Brucie asked Superman what character he'd play, and without even thinking about it, he said Batman."

Lois rolls her eyes at the gossip columnist. "Pretty sure everyone and his mother has seen that video."

Cat beams. "I know, right? It's got the highest hits of any video I've ever shot! I'm so glad I decided to follow Brucie to LexLabs. I don't know why Perry kept sending Clark instead of me."

"It's cause Kent gets the exclusives," their editor snaps from behind them, making all three reporters jump—yes, even the one who should've heard him coming because he's secretly Superman.

Cat shakes her head. "I really don't know how you do it, Clark. You're like the opposite of a ballbuster, but even Brucie Wayne will stop to give you a quote. Heck, sometimes it seems like Superman gives you even more exclusives than he does Lois! Tell me, what's your secret?"

She leans forward eagerly, eyes sparkling with hunger rather than humor. Clark thinks her grin may be scarier than the Joker's.

"Uh, just lucky, I guess."

Lois punches him, and Clark has to pretend to be hurt by it, leaning away from her fist so she barely hits him, then letting out a whine and rubbing his arm as if in recovery. "They can't get over how goddamn nice Smallville is," she says wryly. "He won't even call a spade a spade and Brucie a moron."

"Because he's not!" Clark fiddles with his glasses to soften his frown. "Look at that idea he had about the video game—if it gets off the ground, it could be amazing to play and help a lot of people in the process."

"Yes, but he had the idea after accidentally saving the city because he thought Luthor's muderbot controller was part of a video game," Lois points out. "Look, Clark, just face it. The guy may have his heart in the right place, I'll give you that, but multiply Brucie by ten, and you still wouldn't have half a Batman."

Author's Note:

Loads and loads and loads of thanks to my beta readers, Holdt and serephent, who write much more amazing fics than I ever could, so do check out their fics! Also, I made fake memes/tweets for this fic, but can't put them up here, so you can find those in the AO3 version of this fic, under the same title and author name.