the seer plummets through the endless nihility of the furthest ring. nothing is out here. it's simply the barren expanse that it was always intended to be, though splintered throughout with hairline fractures. my brother truly did a number on the cosmos, as the humans would say.
the seer can't see what happens next, but i can. a knot of anticipation builds in her inefficient digestive tract. she hates this feeling of uncertainty. it supplies her with a small dose of fear.
of course, we both know that there's no turning back now.
i can do nothing to help her. at least, not now.
she removes her sunglasses and stores them in her captchalogue.
she glances at the wallet containing the body of he who was once known as the heir, the young human for whom she harboured nascent feelings of both love and hatred.
suddenly, the seer smashes into a solid green surface and dies on impact.
What a shame.
I had hoped to meet Terezi here, but it seems that she has left her friends behind with a list of vague prophetic instructions in yet another aggrandising display of quote-unquote girl power. Unfortunately, I don't know what in particular she's up to, as she has passed beyond my spanning narrative reach into a nebulous realm. And where uncertainty comes, the slicing off of branches is bound to follow.
What a shame indeed. We would have made proper rivals. Terezi, the Seer of Mind, self-proclaimed leader of her rag-tag band of bros, aware of all that I create and shape but unable to do anything about it, locked out of her god-tier, somehow still alive despite being grievously underpowered in comparison to the rest of us; but stubborn as an ass and feral as a rabid fox. Even opposing me, a Prince of Heart having unlocked his full potential across the entire span of himself, nearly unmatched in narratorial control, she would have put up one hail of a fight. That's the sort of person she is, one who foolishly refuses to give up even if the struggle is futile.
Her struggle is futile. After all, she's opposing me.
My plan is foolproof. After all, it's what's destined to happen. I'm merely here to provide closure, to play a fated role but to give a defiant middle finger to the cosmos in the process.
"Dirk?" asks Rosebot. "Are you monologuing again?"
Why would she even need to ask? Of course I'm monologuing. Do I ever stop? Why should I? The sound of my voice is music to my ears, after all, and I don't presently wish to deprive the multiverse of it. Of course, she doesn't think I'm being narcissistic. She understands better than most the need to exposit. She does it herself. And would she want to think herself as narcissistic as she might perceive me? That would be hypocrisy.
"I'll take that as a yes. You might want to pause your train of thought and check the scanners. We have an incoming vessel."
I obey my ectodaughter-turned-android's command. I knew the ship was on its way, but it's always a good idea to verify your foes' exact location before engaging in combat. Plus, Rosebot ought to know that I value her input.
Aboard said ship, which is roughly 25,000 yards away from my planet, the quote-unquote "peanut gallery" is preparing to land. Alas, they don't know how, as Terezi scrawled her farewell message all over the pages which teach a novice pilot how to land.
Not to worry. I've prepared for such a possibility.
I knew they were coming for me. Of course they would. And of course the supposedly impartial Muse we all know and hate would break her impartiality just so she could get them to do her dirty work for her.
I could have forked with their heads earlier in our trip, when my narrative reach extended to their ship before they fell behind. But, of course, I had to expend my energy in reprogramming both robots and Rosebot.
Instead, I've laid a trap for the peanut gallery.
No, I'm not going to give you the details. It would ruin the surprise. And you'll see soon enough what it is.
It's so much more fun this way, isn't it? Not being spoiled about little plot twists before they happen? Having the experience of pure, unadulterated surprise? Yes, the narrative demands my silence. And I demand yours.
Roxy sits at the controls of her stolen spacecraft, puzzling over the words not covered by turquoise markings. The rest of her crew is in the living space, preparing for battle. Kanaya straps on Terezi's old jetpack. Karkat examines the blade of his scythe. Dave pulls the hood of his godtier costume over his hair.
As the enemy ship draws nearer, I give Rosebot an order, and she obediently presses a button on the control panel.
Several seconds later, Roxy lets out a shriek unbecoming of the way in which she, I mean he, wants to present. He hightails it to the ship's gangplank and hollers, "GET OF THIS SHIP NOW!"
Kanaya, Dave, and Karkat look up and see a heat-seeking missile headed straight towards their stolen spacecraft. They all follow Roxy's lead and frantically dive off of the gangplank. Just in time, as it so happens, because hardly a second after Kanaya clears the blast radius, the rocketship explodes with a cacophony that would make Michael Bay shed a single tear of jealousy.
Just so you know, that was part of my surprise, but it wasn't it in its entirety. Be patient.
Kanaya activates her jetpack, Dave grabs hold of Karkat, and the crew sizes up the situation.
"this is not looking good folks
"we are now officially stranded
"lets just find the nearest palm tree island and sit under it and maybe write SOS signals in the sand with our skeletal dusty fingers
"then the uss carpathia will see it and completely ignore us or some schist
"well have to build a raft out of volleyballs and set sail for the hither lands
"but then gilligan will probably fork it up or something"
Dave would have continued his pointless diatribe, but he's interrupted by Karkat smacking him in the back of the head. "NOT TO BE THE VOICE OF REASON OR ANYTHING, BUT THERE'S SOME WEIRD-LOOKING FORKING GREY STUFF COMING AT US."
Roxy squints. "those r robogs"
"those are robot rabbits" confirms Dave.
"Those Are Flying Robot Hopbeasts" notices Kanaya as the first wave of The Lil Seb Honourary Militia takes off.
"THOSE ARE FLYING ROBOT HOPBEASTS WITH FORKING LASERS," Karkat finishes as one of said lasers nearly slices off a piece of his unruly hair.
Yep. That was the surprise. Surprise! I waggle my fingers in mock excitement. A puff of confetti sardonically descends from the ceiling of the test chamber.
Rosebot is silently judging me. I hope you're happy.
Everyone scatters, and Dave proceeds to monologue again.
I'm proud of him. He enjoys a good rambling monologue, as do I. I see so much of myself in him. Of course, that may be due to two factors: me being his genetic father and an alternate version of me being his surrogate bro. Nevertheless, he truly is a bro whom I would be proud to call bro. Roxy, on the other hand… not so much.
"oh my god the forking rabbits have space lasers and can fly
"watch out everybody the killer rabbit of caerbannog has bionic enhancements now
"death awaits us all with nasty big pointy freaking laser beams"
"LASERS AREN'T POINTY, SCHIST-FOR-BRAINS!"
"its a figure of speech karkat"
"I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT A FIGURE OF SPEECH IS."
Roxy conjures up a perfectly generic object and hucks it at the nearest bunny. It puts a dent in its shiny chrome face. "i can maek up a cuve wall or smthn 2 hold off the bunies"
"okay go build a wall"
"on ut" Roxy salutes and pulls out her katana.
Dave thinks on his feet once he sees my spacecraft resting on the rust-coloured earth. "the rest of us will lay siege to dirks ship"
"Ill Approach From The Ground While You Two Approach From The Air" Kanaya suggests. "Its Not Exactly A Pincer Manoeuvre But Itll Do Considering The Low Quantity Of People Assaulting Dirks Base Of Operations"
Karkat adjusts his grip on Dave's back. "HEY, WHY CAN'T I APPROACH FROM THE GROUND?"
"Because I Already Called It Seeing As This Jetpack Is A Pain In The Axe To Operate"
"THEN CAN I HAVE IT?"
"No
"Remember What Terezi Said"
"WELL, WE IGNORED WHAT SHE SAID WHEN SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT JADE AND OH MY GOD WE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT JADE"
"Oh Schist Youre Right"
Dave thumps his chest twice, then extends his hand in salute. Behind his shades, his eyes betray distress.
"Dave Thats Very Insensitive"
"well i dont know what else to do about the fact that two of our friends are now dead
"are we supposed to proceed like nothing happened or there was nothing we could do to stop it?
"because im sure there was"
Karkat feels a pang of sympathy for his bereaving boyfriend. He grimaces in a noticeably more sensitive manner than usual. "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, DAVE. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO SAY THIS, BUT… WAIT."
Oh, for crying out loud. Just say the thing.
"LISTEN, STRIDER, I WANT YOU TO STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR BAD LUCK AND SCHIST, BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY SOMETHING SUPER CHARACTERISTIC OF ME."
Yes, it is. We know you're secretly the nicest out of all of us. Just make Dave feel better. I'm begging you.
"ERRGH, I KNOW TEREZI TOLD ME NOT TO ACT ON INSTINCT! AND I'VE GOT SUCH A STRONG INSTINCT TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T FORKING HATE YOURSELF OVER NOT PREVENTING HER OR JADE'S DEMISE! I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, BUT I'VE GOTTA SHUT DIRK OUT!"
Please, Karkat. Don't make such a big deal out of this. Just be there for my bro.
"DIRK, SHUT THE FORK UP."
Karkat can't actually hear me, of course, but for an instant, I fear that he can.
Dave glances at his matesprit and cracks a grin. He gives him an affectionate pat on the head. "thanks for the effort despite my bro being manipulative
"i mean it doesnt change the fact that theyre dead
"but we gotta keep going"
"What Makes You Think Theyre Dead" interjects Kanaya. "Its Not Like We Saw Them Die Or Anything"
"it only works like that in movies kanaya"
"Bold Of You To Assume That Our Lives Would Not Have Made A Fascinating Movie"
"true but we know jade was adjacent to the engine room and that schist blew sky high
"plus terezi defenestrated herself leaving behind all her possessions and an ominous and vaguely worded note
"if thats not a textbook suicide i dont know what is"
"WHY THE HAIL WOULD TEREZI KILL HERSELF, THOUGH? I'VE WONDERED ABOUT IT, AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. IS HER DEATH THE ONLY WAY WE'LL BE ABLE TO WIN? IS THIS STEP 8 IN SOME SELFISH PLOT TO SEE HER FLUSHED CRUSH THE SPIDER-BIRCH AGAIN? DID SHE ACTUALLY PLAN TO DIE? I JUST DON'T FORKING GET IT."
"I Guess Well Find Out Eventually"
With that, Kanaya changes her wobbly course to the earth some hundred yards before my rocket. She lands like an ungainly vampire bat. "I Hate Flying" she mutters to herself.
I give Rosebot an order. Without hesitation, she strides out of the control room.
I pull up a microphone and tap a button on the control panel.
It's time for me to deal with Roxy.
The girl/guy/whatever is presently building a wall. It's not very effective, since the bunnies can fly. So Roxy is spending most of their time chucking pumpkins and cubes at bunnies and dodging lasers.
"I like your hat."
Roxy immediately recognises my voice. Her head whips around wildly, trying to pinpoint the origin of my broadcast.
"U!1!"
"Yes, it me." I'm projecting my voice through a speaker in one of the Lil Sebs. Roxy eventually notices that one of the robots hovers in midair, though the rest of them continue to attack.
"wut the fork do u wnat w me?" Her intentionally deepened voice holds ill-concealed malice.
"I just wanted to pay you a compliment. Sheesh, can't a guy congratulate his newfound bro on her styling choice of headwear?"
Roxy grits her teeth when I refer to her as female, but she holds her tongue.
"And the wraparound shades as well, they flatter you. Hail, I would probably wear a similar set myself if I wasn't so attached to my anime shades.
"The question is, why have you made fashion choices so similar to my own, ones that I might even have made myself?"
Roxy's arm is grazed by a stray laser. She yells, whether in anger or in pain I am unsure. I send a signal through a hastily-made circuit, jumping from robot to robot in series, telling them to tone down their attack somewhat. I need Roxy to pay attention to my debilitating speech.
"I'm no psychotherapist; that honour would more readily go to our beloved daughter. But if I could nevertheless venture a guess, I would take into account the adage that claims imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."
Roxy is now irate. "sjut up" they spit under their breath.
"You're so obvious when you develop an infatuation for another. And you don't ever seem to know how to move on."
"waht the FORK r u talknig abt?!"
"You just haven't gotten over your hopeless, childish crush on me, have you?"
"suht up!"
"Is that why you transitioned, Roxy? So that I might be able to love you back?"
"SHUT UP!" Roxy hollers, punctuating his remark by slicing the bunny in half. "uve gotten sooo forkin self-absorbed! u think the woeld revolves arnd u! it DOESNT! ive moved on! i dont give a schist abt u any moer!"
I activate the microphone on another robot rabbit and manually pilot it to her. "If you don't, then why the hail would you turn yourself into me?"
"im not u! and ill neve rbe u! who the fork woild WANT to?" Roxy punches this one. Its head cracks into pieces. Sheesh, I'm glad I didn't visit them in person.
I activate a third robot. "Our daughter seems keen to follow in my footsteps, though maybe not in quite the same way in which you seem determined to do so. We're family, after all. Maybe becoming a facet of me is part of what relates us all?"
Roxy tears this robot in half. "I HATE U! i cant believe i ever had a crush on u! i feel bad 4 jake taking a bullet 4 us all by having 2 date u! he doesnt deserve u! rose doesnt either! NOBODY does!"
I know. I'm worthless. I'm an eccrine gland in the armpit of life. I'm a meaningless droplet in the vast water of existence. How easy it would be for me to scatter myself out, release the cohesion, and disappear.
I've done some awful things. But that seems to be my fate. I'm the bad guy, the relevant one. The me who raised Dave was a horrible person, but he was relevant nonetheless. Brain Ghost Dirk, Candy!Dirk, the poor souls who wanted to rebel against or opt out of my destiny, they're doomed. If I were good, we'd all be royally forked. So I suppose being the villain is my fate.
I may as well have fun with it.
And honestly? Torturing Roxy is a riot. I love hearing her angry little vocal squeaks when she breaks character. She's probably the easiest of them all to mock, despite being my oldest friend, since she's the one whom I understand the least but know the best.
They say that nobody knows how to hurt you more than do those who are closest to you.
I'll leave her to her senseless fury. I need to speak with the other Strilonde boy.
[sans voice] woah, you look REALLY pissed off... heheheh...
Anyway, sorry about the delayed chapter. It ran longer than I expected it to. Hopefully it was worth the wait.
Next chapter coming Friday!