Okay, it took a bit longer than I anticipated, but the narrative has been properly deforked. Let's continue, shall we?
Kanaya gets to her feet. She affixes me with a merciless glower. Her fangs shine yellow in the light of her slit-pupiled eyes. She hisses, then launches herself at me, her wingpack spurting flames.
I know her intent, and her intent is to eviscerate me.
I can't help but admit that I'm a bit afraid.
Wait, what's that-
A familiar voice rings out in the distance. Kanaya looks over, and her fury drains away.
Well schist.
"WH4TS UP N3RDS"
It's Terezi. And she's gone god-tier.
Oh, for fork's sake. Terezi can't possibly be alive! Her Quest Bed is long gone, and Prospit's moon in the trolls' session was razed by Bec Noir, so her-
1T SUR3 4S H41L W4S, BUT D1D YOU 3V3R S33 MY S4CR1F1C14L SL4B G3T WR3CK3D
...No? How could I have?
W3LL N31TH3R D1D 1, NOR D1D 4NYON3 3LS3
LOOPHOL3S 4R3 4 WOND3RFUL TH1NG
H4H4H4
Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me.
ONLY P4RTLY. TH3 CR33PY D34D C4LL1OP3 TOLD M3 SH3 F1X3D 1T FOR M3 BUT 1T D1D FLO4T OUT H3R3
Screw her.
1 WOULD 4DV1S3 4G41NST TH4T. DO YOU KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT CH3RUB 4N4TOMY?
Terezi soars towards Dirk, wielding both ends of her cane sword. She's clad in a bright green Seer robe with a tattered bottom hem and a Mind symbol in the centre. Her forest-green hood is pulled down over her eyes. She's still wearing the stolen ruby slippers, but her glasses are nowhere to be seen. Translucent dragon-like wings protrude from her back. A ferocious grin is plastered across her angular face. She looks supremely ticked off.
She stops in front of Dirk. He draws his katana. Without a word spoken, the battle is joined.
They fight on two levels, only one of which Kanaya can see. Terezi and Dirk dart around each other in the sky, blades flashing, reflecting light in constantly-changing patterns. They're out to hurt each other, sure, and yet it doesn't seem like they're really trying.
Kanaya can just barely pick up slight changes in the atmosphere around her, too. She doesn't know what they mean. But we do.
Terezi and I are linked in a metatextual combat even more important than is our physical brawl. We struggle with the proverbial pen on the proverbial sheet of paper, fighting to make it draw what we want.
4ND R1GHT NOW, D1RK 1S LOS1NG. H1S CONC3NTR4T1ON SL1PS 4S H3 N4RR4T3S TO TH3 R34D3RS, LOS1NG H1MS3LF 1N H1S GR4ND1OS3 M3T4PHORS
I tone back my use of purple prose. As I narrate, my concentration shifts from how I say things to what I say.
Dirk emboldens his physical attack. Terezi receives a graze across her forearm.
NO 1 DONT
Yes, you do.
NOOOOOOOO 1 DONT :]
Yes. Yes, you do!
NO 1 DONT
H3H H3H H3H
Errrgh. I see now why John found you so irksome.
1S TH4T 4 COM3-ON? 1 D1DNT TH1NK 1 W4S YOUR TYP3. PLUS, 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 1N WUV W1TH J4K3
Shut up!
NO U
I swear under my breath so as not to let my cuss words be mangled by the strict censor imposed upon this segment of fanon.
Yes, I'm onto you, you false creator, you thief of ideas, you butcher of characters and plots, you who feign to heal our minds. Once Calliope has been exterminated, you're next.
I see you, pulling your little Xanatos gambit. You know you can't lose. You know your characters always do as we're commanded. You write in our betrayals of the status quo.
You're sick. You're sick, and I will make you realise that.
…
WTF 4R3 YOU ON
Dirk receives a gash across his face.
Ow!
The pain from the wound fuels his anger, and he lashes out with frenzied force. Terezi parries the blow, but the power behind it sends her reeling backwards.
Dirk seizes the opportunity and-
C4N YOU PL34S3 L3T TH1S B3 4 F41R F1GHT? 1V3 B33N 4CH1NG TO BR4WL W1TH YOU FOR L1K3 4 QU4RT3R OF 4 SW33P 4ND 1D L1K3 TO K33P OUR N4RR4TOR14L 1NT3RF3R3NC3S TO 4 M1N1MUM
Your continued presence in this narrative is an example of narratorial interference.
W3LL YOUR F4C3 1S 4N 3X4MPL3 OF N4RR4TOR14L 1NT3RF3R3NC3 CUZ 1 DOUBT 4NY MUG TH4T UGLY WOULD B3 TH3 R3SULT OF 4NYTH1NG L3SS TH4N D1V1N3 1NT3RV3NT1ON
1D S4Y 1TS 4 F4C3 NOT 3V3N 4 MOTH3R COULD LOV3 3XC3PT TH4T YOU D1DNT H4V3 ON3
H3H3H3H3, MY GOD, YOUR3 JUST SO 34SY TO DUNK ON
Do you ever run out of new ways in which to troll others?
OH 1 C4N DO TH1S 4LL D4Y :D
Not with an injury like that, you can't.
Terezi lets loose a deranged cackle as her pain grows too great for her to bear in silence.
HEE HEE HEE HEE HAHAHAHAHA! AHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!
Her sudden outburst causes dismay in her friends, who are standing around doing nothing of importance, seeing as this is a climactic battle. They begin to question her sanity.
Kanaya worries if Terezi is well. Is she in the right frame of mind to battle Ultimate!Dirk?
TH3N L3T 1T SL1P! 1N 4 K1DD13 F3UD L1K3 TH1S, 1MM4TUR1TY 1S TH3 K3Y TO V1CTORY! 4H4H4H4H4H4!
I'd say that guarantees you a win, but I don't want to boost your confidence.
OH HO! SO YOUD CONS1D3R YOURS3LF MOR3 1MM4TUR3 TH4N M3?
I'm… not going to dignify that statement with a response.
4ND NOW FOR SOM3TH1NG COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT
Roxy continues to bludgeon the ro-
You can't do that! I did that! That's MY gag!
OH 1S TH1S BOTH3R1NG YOU? H4H4H4
No. It's not bothering me. My concentration remains superior. My dominion remains unchallenged.
YOUR3 JUST S4Y1NG TH4T, 1 DONT N33D TO 4SK 1F YOUR3 JUST S4Y1NG TH4T
Are you TRYING to annoy me to death?
Y34H, HOP3FULLY :]
Roxy continues to bludgeon the robotic rabbits to smithereens in his blind fury. Fragments of metal fly everywhere. His hands are covered with lacerations and sharp steel splinters, but he's too mad to care.
With a cathartic scream, he rips the sunglasses-shaped viewscreen from one bunny bot and stabs them into its chest.
ROXY H4S 4LW4YS B33N 1NT3R3ST3D 1N COMPUT3RS, MOSTLY 1N PROGR4MM1NG, BUT 1N H4RDW4R3 4S W3LL TO 4N 3XT3NT. SO H1S CUR1OS1TY G3TS TH3 B3TT3R OF H1M, 4ND H3 1NSP3CTS TH3 T4NGL3 OF W1R3S 1N TH3 H34D OF TH3 ROBOT.
"the ctrl signals r wired in sseries" he mutters to himself; and suddenly, his next move becomes perfectly clear.
He needs to put!
The bunny!
BACK IN!
TH3 BOX!
And Roxy does exactly that, phasing the bunny into the perfectly generic object and pulling out his hand. The entirety of the Lil Seb Honourary Militia stops moving. One by one, they drop out of the sky like cartoon characters do when they remember that gravity exists.
Roxy heaves a sigh of relief.
Well played, Terezi. Through your machinations, Roxy has discovered the sole weakness in my circuitry, the reason behind Christmastime light displays shorting out. I'd applaud you, but for one, we're presently dueling and I need both hands free, and for another, you cheated.
1 D1DNT CH34T, 1 JUST US3D MY M1ND POW3RS
Potato, potahto. Anyway, encore, encore, congratulations on singlehandedly saving your friends.
W3 H4V3NT WON Y3T
You imply that you're going to win. What, do you really think you can succeed? Do you really think you can save your friends? You've never saved a single person in your life. You couldn't even save yourself, Terezi, let alone your best friend. And then, when you did - or should I say, when John saved her for you - you let her slip through your grasp again. Is that what a moirail does? What a matesprit does?
YOU KNOW WH4T, YOU GOBBL3B34ST-LOOK1NG W334BOO 1NC3L? 1 W1SH YOUD K1LL3D YOURS3LF L1K3 TH3 1NV3RS3 V3RS1ON OF YOU D1D!
I do believe I've struck a nerve.
1LL B3 STR1K1NG MOR3 TH4N TH4T, D1PSCH1ST!
But it's not Terezi who strikes the next blow: it's Roxy, who smashes a pumpkin over Dirk's head. Dirk reels from the mild concussion, then beats a hasty retreat to his ship.
Roxy pumps his fist. "WOOOOO! TOUCHDOWN!"
"H41L Y34H, BRO!" They high-five and hug it out. Terezi comes away with orange stains on her robes and hands.
Dave cups his hands around his mouth and yells, "geeeet pumpkin dunked on!
"serving up some serious orange justice rolal
"you both really did a number on the prince formerly known as bro
"and im glad youre not dead terezi"
"M3 TOO D4V3"
Terezi lands catlike and strides over to Kanaya and the rest of the gang. She's still grinning, and her eyes are still concealed. From here, Kanaya can see that what looks like teal tears stain her cheeks.
"Why Are You Crying" she asks.
"OH, 1M NOT CRY1NG" Terezi responds. "W4NN4 S33?"
Kanaya nods. She's just happy to see her friend again.
Terezi pulls back her hood. A strip of stained green cloth, evidently torn from the bottom of her robe, is wrapped around her eyes. She unties that, too.
H3Y GUYS, TH1S N3XT P4R4GR4PHS 4 B1T OF 4N 3Y3SOR3, H4H4. 1F YOUR3 P4RT1CUL4RLY SQU34M1SH, YOU M1GHT W4NN4 SK1P TO TH3 ON3 4FT3R
Terezi's eyes are, for lack of a better word, hollow. Literally. There's a deep, dark, vertical hole cut right through the middle of each of them. A matching gash is in each of her eyelids. Turquoise liquid runs from them and streams down Terezi's face.
Karkat makes a retching noise and claps a hand over his mouth.
"jesus christ!" exclaims Dave.
Kanaya gapes. She glances at Terezi's cane-swords and notices that they're coated with both red and blue blood.
"You Stabbed Out Your Own Eyes" she asks.
"Y3P" Terezi snickers.
"Didnt That Hurt"
"OF COURS3 1T D1D" She ties the cloth back over her eyes and lets out another giggle. "TH3 L4UGH1NG H3LPS THOUGH"
She paces over to Karkat and holds out her hand. He stares at her. "WHAT THE FORK DO YOU WANT?"
"G1MM3 MY PHON3 B4CK"
"ALL RIGHT, NO NEED TO SHOUT." Karkat hands Terezi back her phone. He looks at her for a moment, then pulls her into a tight hug.
"I'M SORRY ABOUT NOT FOLLOWING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS AND GETTING JADE KILLED," he confesses.
"WH4T TH3 FORK 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT? J4D3S NOT D34D"
Karkat steps back. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S NOT DEAD? OUR SPACESHIP FORKING BLEW TO BITS! YOU COULD FIT THE LARGEST PIECE LEFT OVER UP YOUR AXE!"
Terezi laughs. "SH3 GOT J3TT1SON3D 4W4Y, L1K3 TH4T 1ND14N4 JON3S GUY"
He gapes. "YOU PLANNED FOR THIS?!"
"W3LL Y34H" Terezi shrugs. "T3LL1NG YOU TO NOT PUT H3R 1N TH3 CLOS3T W4S TH3 ONLY W4Y TO G3T H3R PUT 1N TH3 CLOS3T. 1TS SOM3 R3V3RS3 PSYCHOLOGY BULLSCH1ST"
Dave sighs in relief. "oh thank obama lets go find her"
As Dave, Karkat, and Roxy head off, Kanaya approaches Terezi. "Do You Need Me To Tend To Your Injuries"
"Y34H TH4TD B3 N1C3"
Terezi can't keep from sniffing at her phone while Kanaya rinses out her eyes, despite the pain the impromptu eyewash causes her. Thanks to her blindness, she can sort of multitask. As she expected, she has a number of messages from (Vriska). She exhales and lets her grin finally fade. She hopes (Vriska's) doing all right. She hopes her leave of absence didn't worry her too much.
After binding a new strip of cloth over her eyes, Kanaya looks at her. "Is Something The Matter"
"1 HOP3 (VR1SK4S) NOT WORR13D 4BOUT M3"
"Well If She Is Thats Good Because It Means She Cares
"I Do Think She Cares About You Loath As She Is To Admit Such Things Even To Herself"
Terezi nods solemnly. "1 TH1NK SO TOO"
She hugs Kanaya, who hugs her back.
"1TS H4RD TO ST4Y STRONG BUT 1TS NOT OV3R Y3T"
"Believe Me I Know
"Thats What Were Here For"
Terezi tries to smile when Kanaya rumples her hair affectionately, but all she can manage is a grimace.
"DO YOU H4V3 4NY 1D34 HOW MUCH MY 3Y3S HURT R1GHT NOW?"
"I Doubt It
"Why Did You Stab Yourself"
Terezi swallows. "W3LL WH3N 1 WOK3 UP 4ND FOUND TH4T 1 COULD S33, 1 FR34K3D OUT
"1 R3M3MB3R3D 4 M3MORY OF 4R4N34 CUR1NG MY V1S1ON 4ND HOW TH4T 4LL W3NT TO SCH1ST
"4ND W3LL… TH1S H4PP3N3D
"1 SCR34M3D L1K3 4 DY1NG W1GGL3R
"1 D1DNT KNOW 1 COULD M4K3 SOUNDS L1K3 TH4T
"BUT 1TS 4 SM4LL PR1C3 TO P4Y FOR R3T41N1NG MY L4CK OF S1GHT"
Kanaya pulls her closer. Terezi buries her face in her shoulder. She shud-
You know what? Fork this emotional reunion schist.
OH L34V3 US 4LON3
No, because we're playing hardball now. You're a fan of law, Terezi; you know about filibusters. Time to, if you'll excuse my pun, bust out this old rant. God, I wrote this thing so long ago, and yet it still holds up to my present standards of irony. It's almost like my story was written using this one as a basis. Ironic, isn't it?
"Remember Longcat, Jane?"
Ah, right, Jane's still stranded on that batschist backwater planet which we used to call home. And you wouldn't appreciate this rant properly, as you grew up on another planet in another universe with (most likely) an entirely different meme culture and possibly no Troll Plato whatsoever. But I digress. Not that digressing is the issue; in fact, it's exactly what I'm trying to accomplish. But I would prefer to keep my rational irrational tangents (which lie solely on the real Cartesian plane) pointed in the same direction. I'll continue.
"I remember Longcat. Fork the picture on this page, I want to talk about Longcat. Memes were simpler back then, in 2006. They stood for something. And that something was nothing. Memes just were. 'Longcat is long'. An undeniably true, self-reflexive statemen-"
YOU FORG3T TH4T F1L1BUST3RS 4R3 4 T4CT1C 3MPLOY3D BY POL1T1C14NS, NOT BY L4WY3RS
Have you ever read Native Son? I think you might disagree. Oh, and you should let Karkat read that book, if only so Dave can torment him about being a communist.
R34D1NG 1S MOR3 OF K4N4Y4S TH1NG TH4N M1N3 OR K4RK4TS, NOT TH4T YOU C4R3 3NOUGH 4BOUT 31TH3R OF TH3M TO KNOW TH4T
I take offence to that. I care deeply about all of my characters.
YOUR CH4R4CT3RS? YOUR *CH4R4CT3RS*?! D1RK, W3R3 P3OPL3, NOT TOOLS!
And yet you manipulate this narrative as shamelessly as do I. We're not so different, you and I.
YOU KNOW, 1 CH3CK3D B4CK 4 COUPL3 CH4PT3RS TO C4TCH UP ON-
That's not even a real concept.
W3LL 1T 1S NOW. L1K3 1 W4S S4Y1NG, 1 CH3CK3D B4CK 4 COUPL3 CH4PT3RS TO C4TCH UP ON TH1NGS 4ND 1 S4W 4LL THE CONTR4STS YOU DR3W B3TW33N US. SO 1 4SK YOU, 4R3 YOU SUR3 4BOUT TH4T?
Look at you, always the legislacerator, twisting my words to support your side of the issue. You're not looking at it like a scientist. You're merely using evidence to prove that your opinion is correct.
4ND YOUR3 CH4NG1NG TH3 SUBJ3CT Y3T 4G41N. FORK YOU. 1D S4Y YOUD M4K3 4 GR34T 4LB31T CRU3L POL1T1C14N, 4ND Y3T YOU R3J3CT3D YOUR C4LL1NG 4ND FL3W OFF 1NTO SP4C3, L34V1NG B3H1ND TH3 L34ST QU4L1F13D OF US 4LL TO RUN TH3 SHOW B4CK ON 34RTH C
You claim that you'd make a better president of Earth C than would Jane?
1 M4K3 NO SUCH CL41MS, 4ND YOU N33D TO L4Y OFF ON TH3 4D HOM1N3M 4TT4CKS. 1 SW34R, 1TS L1K3 YOUR3 JUST DO1NG… TH1S FOR…
4TT3NT1ON
OH NOW 1 G3T 1T
Terezi pulls away from Kanaya and redirects her attention to her phone. A genuine, painless smile crosses her lips as she opens up the messages.
(Vriska): just killed jane
(Vriska): roxy died trying to help
(Vriska): call me asap
(Vriska): Helloooooooo?
(Vriska): Terezi, you all right?
(Vriska): Terezi. It has 8een three days from my perspective. Did you just ghost me for 3 weeks str8?
(Vriska): Tez, are you okay?
Terezi?
Oh, forget it, I'll continue.
"Water is wet, fire is hot, Longcat is long. Memes were floating signifiers without signifieds, meaningful in their meaninglessness. Nobody made memes, they just arose through spontaneous generation; Athena being birthed, fully formed, from her own skull."
Side note: Athena actually sprang fully-grown from Zeus's skull in most widely-accepted versions of classic Greek mythology. I just thought the paradoxical self-generation would make for an enticing, though inaccurate, mental image. The inexactitude of the metaphor does vex me, though it adds little to nothing to the actual discourse on the evolution of memes.
Terezi: HOLY C4RP NO WOND3R NOBODY W4S 4LLOW3D TO LOOK 4T MY PHON3
Terezi: TH4T WOULD H4V3 C4US3D ROXY TO FL1P TH3 FORK OUT
(Vriska): ...
(Vriska): What?
Terezi: 4LSO 1 H1T GOD T13R
(Vriska): WHAAAAAAAAT?
Terezi: :D
Terezi. For fork's sake.
"You could talk about them around the proverbial water cooler, taking comfort in their absurdity. 'Hey, Johnston, have you seen the picture of that cat? They call it Longcat because it's long!' 'Ha ha, sounds like good fun, Stevenson! That reminds me, I need to show you this webpage I found the other day; it contains numerous animated dancing hamsters. It's called — you'll never believe this — hamsterdance!' And then Johnston and Stevenson went on to have a wonderful friendship based on the comfortable banality of self-evident digitized animals."
Terezi: SO Y34H 1V3 B33N GHOST1NG YOU B3C4US3 1V3 L1T3R4LLY B33N 4 GHOST
Terezi: 1N 4 S3NS3
(Vriska): ::::O
(Vriska): How the FORK did you reach god-tier?!
Terezi: 1 TOOK 4 L34F OUT OF YOUR BOOK
Terezi: 4T TH3 D1R3CT1ON OF MY M1ND POW3RS, 1 YOT3 MYS3LF THROUGH 4 F3N3STR4T3D PL4N3
(Vriska): ::::O
(Vriska): I have so many questions, I don't know where to even 8egin.
Terezi: T4K3 YOUR T1M3, TH3 N4RR4T1V3S 4 B1T T13D UP 4T TH3 MOM3NT ;]
(Vriska): …..
(Vriska): The wh8 is WH8?
Come on, Terezi, where's the wry, witty commentary? You know you want to add some.
"But then 2007 came, and along with it came I Can Has, and everything was forever ruined. It was hubris, Jane. We did it to ourselves. The minute we added written language, it all went to schist. Suddenly memes had an excess of information to be parsed. It wasn't just a picture of a cat, perhaps with a simple description appended to it; now the cat spoke to us via a written caption on the picture itself. It referred to an item of food that existed in our world but not in the world of the meme, rupturing the boundary between the two. The cat wanted something. Which forced us to recognize that what it wanted was us, was our attention. WE are the cheezburger, Jane, and we always were."
(Vriska): That explan8ion did NOT help in the SLIGHTEST.
Terezi: 1N R3L4T3D N3WS, TH3 OTH3R F4K3 J4D3 4LSO S4YS YOUR WORLDS 4 PR1SON BUT TH4T SH3 C4N GR4NT YOU P4ROL3 34RLY
(Vriska): Wh8.
Terezi: SH3 S4YS SH3S 4 B1T MOR3 FOND OF JOHNR3Z1 BUT WOULD R4TH3R SH1P M3 W1TH H4PP1N3SS 1N G3N3R4L
(Vriska): WH8.
Terezi: Y34H, 1 DONT G3T 1T 31TH3R
Terezi: 1 TOLD H3R OFF, 1 TR13D TO T3LL H3R W3R3 NOT 4 TH1NG
Terezi: 4T L34ST NOT 4NYMOR3
(Vriska): ::::?
Terezi: TURNS OUT SH3S NOT SO D1SS1M1L4R FROM TH3 NORM4L C4LL1OP3
(Vriska): I think I'm having a stroke. Is this what a stroke feels like?
TEREZI! TEREZI, PAY ATTENTION! LISTEN TO ME!
I grit my teeth. With a simple command, Terezi falls flat on her face. But she… gets up, and proceeds like nothing happened?
Terezi, what the FORK do I need to do to get you to LISTEN to me?
B3 N1C3
TEREZI. I AM BEING NICE BY CHOOSING NOT TO SMITE ALL YOUR COMPANIONS WHERE THEY STAND.
…
TEREZI, ARE YOU GIVING ME THE FORKING SILENT TREATMENT?
:]
What do you take me for? A disobedient child?
OH LOOK, YOU BR1LL14NT B4ST1ON, YOU F1GUR3D 1T OUT
I am no child! I am one hundred percent pure man! I am more man than any man could ever claim to be! I have wisdom, intelligence, experience, skill beyond bounds! I have become like a god!
BUT YOUR3 ST1LL YOU. 4ND YOUR3 ST1LL, 4T H34RT, JUST 4 LON3LY K1D FROM TH3 FUTUR3 WHO GR3W UP W1TH NOBODY 4ND WHO CR4V3S 4NY 4TT3NT1ON H3 C4N G3T
I don't need attention. I'm not writing this story to get attention. That's the stupidest forking idea I've ever heard. You, however, butting in and forking up the narrative, MY narrative, it's you who's the true narcissist.
1M NOT H3R3 TO G1V3 TH1S STORY 4 GR4ND 3ND1NG. 1M JUST OUT H3R3 B4K1NG SOM3 M3T4PHOR1C4L BR34D. 1T DO3S WH4T 1T N33DS TO DO. YOU, HOW3V3R, 4R3 WR4PP3D UP 1N YOUR GR4ND1OS3, S3LF-C3NTR3D N4RR4T1V3, WR1T1NG YOURS3LF 1NTO TH3 ROL3 OF 4NT4GON1ST JUST TO G1V3 YOURS3LF 4 TW1ST3D R34SON TO CONT1NU3 YOUR OBS3SS1V3 1NT3R4CT1ONS W1TH OTH3RS
Gee, you're reading into my psyche with incredibly skilled BS. Have you been talking to some variant of Rose lately?
NO, BUT 1 4M TH3 S33R OF M1ND. 1 GU3SS PSYCH14TRY COM3S N4TUR4LLY TO S33RS. BUT 3NOUGH 4BOUT M3. WH1CH 1S 4 PHR4S3 1D N3V3R H34R OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. WH1CH 1S TH3 CRUX OF TH3 1SSU3
At least you recognise that yes, all I really want is for others to listen to me. And that goal shall be completed when I finally murder that forking cherub. She will die. And so will you. All will fall before me, and people will finally understand and sympathise with my isolation.
TH3 PROBL3M B31NG TH4T YOU H4V3 UTT3RLY F41L3D TO M4K3 YOURS3LF SYMP4TH3T1C
I have a morality pet in the form of Dave. You've gone so far as to plan around that fact. Plus, I have plenty of deep-seated emotional issues. You've said so yourself. So I am sympathetic. What else could you ask for? Do villains have to be complete monsters in order to be unsympathetic? Can't people find empathy in even the vilest of creatures? Is there anyone whom a mother could not love?
1 4SK ONLY TH4T YOU STOP YOUR S3LF-1NDULG3NT RH3TOR1C4L QU3ST1ONS
But I AM sympathetic, aren't I?
FOR 4 SO-C4LL3D V1LL41N, YOU SOUND 4WFULLY CONC3RN3D 4BOUT HOW OTH3RS P3RC31V3 YOU
THUS FURTH3R1NG MY PO1NT
NOW 1F YOULL 3XCUS3 M3 1 H4V3 TO T4K3 TH1S
Terezi's phone buzzes. The message is from (Vriska). It's short and to the point, a sharp contrast from her usual style.
(Vriska): We're going to wake her up. 8e there.
Terezi calls out, "W3 GOTT4 G3T TO D1RKS SH1P R1GHT 4W4Y"
I send out a command of my own.
Dave, Karkat, and Roxy, who were off looking for Jade's closet, fly over. The peanut gallery dashes to the side of the ship, where there's an access ramp.
Dave kicks in the door. Well, he tries to, at least. All he does is injure his foot. Roxy grabs the handle and slides the door aside. Following Terezi's lead, they dart down the myriad halls.
Terezi has no idea where she's going, so she just keeps running in the hopes that she'll eventually find what she's looking for. The clang of a hatch reverberates far above.
After a good deal of searching, they finally stumble across a small chamber containing a half-dead body. It's guarded by none other than Rosebot.
"rose?" asks Roxy, unable to believe his own eyes.
"I am not Rose," says a metallic voice that sounds just dissimilar enough from Rose's voice to be unsettling. "Now, stand down, lest I use force."
Karkat sidles in front of Kanaya to protect her. She's too shaken to move, let alone draw her weapon.
"W3 DONT W4NT TO F1GHT YOU 31TH3R. 4LL W3 N33D 1S 4 B1T OF T1M3"
Rosebot's eyes glow red. "I repeat, stand down. I will use force."
Upon seeing Rose's prone form, kept alive by only the well-placed intrusion of technology and guarded by herself, the motley crew falters, finding themselves unable to bring themselves to attack. They stand just outside the entrance, frozen by a sudden rush of fear and guilt.
Rose looks so fragile in her comatose state.
None of the gang can bear to even look at her. She serves as a reminder of their many failures, after all. They've found her again, after she was lost to them, and yet she is no longer theirs for the taking. The princess is in this castle, but she is imprisoned by an insurmountable, game-breaking glitch.
YOU W1N TH1S ROUND, J4CK4X3. 1TS NOT L1K3 W3 N33D TO DO MUCH 3LS3 BUT W41T
You've planned your entire quest around an impossible occurrence? You're even dumber than I thought you were.
1 TH1NK YOUD B3 SURPR1S3D BY WH4TS R34LLY POSS1BL3
You're all doomed to die, you know. Rosebot is empowered beyond what you can perceive. My narrative control is near-complete and is far stronger than is yours. And I have a backup plan.
YOU DONT KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT HOP3, DO YOU, D3SP1T3 H4V1NG 4 HOP3L3SS CRUSH ON 4 P4G3 OF 1T
Excuse YOU, Miss Comic Book Knock-Off Scalie! Don't tell me what I do and don't know!
LOOK WHOS T4LK1NG, ROBOT FORK3R
Do NOT call me that! I do NOT fork robots!
YOU L1V3D 4LON3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4N OC34N FOR S1XT33N Y34RS, HOW TH3 H41L 3LS3 D1D YOU P4SS TH3 T1M3
You LITTLE… Friggin… Oh my God stop. Why do you have to be so forking obnoxious! God, I almost preferred it when you were ignoring me.
1 4M TH3 B3ST TROLL, YOU D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY
H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
NOW SUCK ON 4 POW3R C4BL3, K1CK OFF YOUR 4N1M3 SL1PP3RS, 4ND W4TCH TH3 SHOW
This chapter really got away from me. I had way too much fun channeling my inner child to write the narratorial dialogue. Hopefully, it was worth it despite the (slight) wait and length.
And then there's the self-indulgent (in more ways than one) Detective Pony excerpt. I'm using the quotes without permission. Sorry, sonnetstuck. I can't hold a candle to your masterpiece.
Next update will come as scheduled. The vast majority of the final five chapters is already written. See you then!