Chapter 14

To have something to do, I go in the back and check on the Captain. His condition is still unchanged. I used to be good at waiting. As a child, I used to sit beneath my father's desk for hours, just waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to have time for me. Sometimes the wait was long, but he never disappointed. Perhaps that's why this is different. Now when I wait I don't know what or who to expect. Before I know it I'm pacing. The cramped conditions of the ship don't give me much room for it. Three steps from one bulkhead to the next, two till the next wall. Over and over.

Finally, when I pass Chakotay for the umpteenth time, his hand shoots out to stop me. 'Could you sit down, you're making me nervous.' He jokes, 'We've got almost hour before the rendezvous. Here, have something to eat.' His hand leaves my arm and he turns away to rummage in a small wall compartment. I decide to humour him and sit back down in the co-pilot seat. Because of the close quarters, the pilot and co-pilot seat can turn sideways so you can get in without having to clamour over the top. Chakotay takes out two packets, swivels back to me so we're facing each other again, and gives me one of the packets. My eyebrows shoot up when I recognize Starfleet emergency rations.

Chakotay grins. 'Don't ask.' His eyes twinkle with dark humour.

I tear open the packet and take a bite. Is it me or has the taste of these things improved? They probably just seem less awful compared to the food the Maquis serve, I think wryly to myself. I glance at Chakotay to gauge his reaction. The laugh lines around his eyes deepen further as he sees mine and I realise he knows exactly what I'm thinking. The thought that he can read me so easily makes me slightly uncomfortable.

'Shouldn't we be running continuous sensor sweeps or something?' I say to deflect attention.

He doesn't even glance at the control panel. 'I told you, we've got about an hour before my contact gets here.'

'What about Cardassians? Aren't you worried they'll find us?' Though I only say it to get his steady gaze off me, the thought still scares me a little. I realise Chakotay has seen that reaction too when he leans over and puts a warm hand on my knee.

'Don't worry, we're safe here for now. We're well hidden.' I'm about to retort when I realise the recognition goes both ways. There's something in his eyes, telling me there's more to what he's saying. My mind whirls as several pieces fall into place.

'This clearing is protected isn't it?' I don't have to wait for a response, the answer is right in his eyes. 'There's some kind of camouflage,' that's why I didn't see the clearing until we were already landing. 'And there's probably a few more clearings like that around here.'

'Quite a few,' Chakotay confirms.

My eyes shine at their ingenuity. 'How? Is it some kind of cloak, or hologram? Wait!' I exclaim, before he can answer. My hand shoots up to illustrate my words. 'I don't want to know. I can't tell Starfleet something I don't know.'

Chakotay sobers at my words, the smile sliding off his face until it is carefully neutral. 'What will you tell them when you get back?'

I hesitate. Is this a test? Will he still let me go if I give the wrong answer? I study him carefully. No, this is not a test, just a question. Though I couldn't fault him if it was, he has to protect himself too, and the others. So what will I say?

The truth is, I don't know. I've been so focussed on getting back home that I haven't really thought about what will happen when I do. I take a moment to think it over. 'I'll tell them the truth, or as much as I can without putting you in danger. I'll tell them a brave Maquis warrior called Chakotay rescued me and Captain Paris from the Cardassians.'

Chakotay's careful neutrality softens. 'A brave Maquis warrior, huh?' He teases gently, showing the dimples in his cheeks. I smile back. Then he pulls away, once again turning serious. 'I'd rather you didn't mention me.' I frown, both at the words and at the distance he's suddenly put between us. 'When I resigned from Starfleet, it was probably clear to them that I was going to join the Maquis, but I'd rather you didn't confirm it.'

I learn forward, closing some of the distance between us, but I stop myself from reaching out. 'Why not? You rescued us, that's not something to be ashamed of, Chakotay.'

He sighs and looks down. 'No, but that's not the only thing I've done since I joined the Maquis. Some of the things I did…' There's so much guilt in his posture that it tears at my heart. He doesn't deserve all this pain.

'You're a good man, Chakotay. You saved me, in more ways than one.' He looks up and his eyes are filled with so much self-recrimination that it hurts. I ache to reach out and hug him, but I'm not sure how to do that when he's sitting. Instead, I reach for his hand, the one that until a minute ago was resting on my knee to comfort me, and I cradle it in both of mine. I'm relieved to see some of the darkness leaving his eyes and on impulse I press a kiss to his knuckles.

'I promised to keep you safe.' He says it as if that promise negates any need for gratitude. I decide to move past that and lighten the mood a bit.

'I wasn't sure if you remembered that.' I smile as I say it and am glad to see him return it. Time to circle back to our original topic. 'I guess I understand why you don't want Starfleet to know you're involved, but what if they capture you? They'll probably condemn you for your sins – real or otherwise – without counting the good you've done.' It hurts me to say this about the organization I've dedicated my life to, but I've heard enough from my father to know it's not unlikely. That thought gives me an idea. 'If you're ever in trouble with Starfleet, ask for Admiral Janeway.' Chakotay raises one eyebrow and glances towards the back, as if wondering if I'm talking about the Captain, but I shake my head. 'My father. I'll tell him everything that happened.'

Chakotay nods before once again turning mischievous. 'So you're an admiral's brat?' I can't help but laugh at his tone.

'Guilty as charged!' I quip, but the joke falls flat, too close to what Chakotay is feeling. I can see his shame lingering, so I lean in more until I have to put my hand on his chest or fall into his lap. 'Chakotay.' I say it softly and wait for his eyes to return to mine. 'No matter what you've done in the past, these last few weeks you've been a lifeline to me. If you and the other Maquis hadn't been there, I'd still be in that prison camp, or worse. You saved a lot of lives that day. No matter what you did before, it can't negate that.' I watch him carefully and am relieved to see that my words manage to chase away some of his self-doubt. Then I realise this awareness between us is more than just an understanding of each other, being able to read each other's emotions. There's a current between us, an energy. A connection. I think it might have been between us all along, from the moment I decided to trust him in that Cardassian camp. I thought I was responding to the touch of humour I heard in his voice, but it's far more than that. Now that I'm conscious of it, I feel it flare up. It's a tingling warmth that's spreading from my hand on his chest to every part of me. I feel the heat on my cheeks and I know they're flushed red, but not in embarrassment. There's no doubt here, or second guessing, just us. And the awareness sizzling between us. For once in my life I'm not thinking, just feeling. I feel… alive. I feel… recognised, for everything that I am. And I feel struck, by him, by everything that he is. Every caring, generous, selfless part of him. And every wounded part too. He's beautiful, in every way.

I don't know who moved, maybe we both did, but we're kissing. A soft touch of our lips that feels so right that without a conscious thought it turns into a desperate, all-consuming kiss. I stop being aware of time, or anything but him and the way we feel together.

I have to take a breath. Not so much a literal breath, though that too, but a small break from the intensity running between us. At the same time, I can't bear to break the connection between us. So our lips part, but I'm still sitting in his lap – without a clear idea of how I got there – and my forehead rests against his. We probably have to talk about this-

A loud beep interrupts. Chakotay drops me gently in my own chair and is gone.

It takes me a few more seconds to come back. By the time I do he's silenced the sound, mumbled something that might be 'he's here,' and left the shuttle. I blink after him, wondering if I should follow him or not. Then I check myself. Yes, I trust Chakotay, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit this one out. I'm a participant, not an onlooker. I ran a hand down my dress and through my hair to smooth it and then I follow.