Chapter 15
The trees are as close to the shuttle as I thought during the landing. The door just barely opens. I can't see Chakotay outside, but I hear something up ahead and follow. The sound brings me to another clearing, no larger than the first one, and another shuttle, though this one is clearly far younger than ours and of obvious Starfleet origin. Chakotay is at the side of the shuttle, talking to an man, presumably the pilot of the vessel. He's human, but older than we are. He's not wearing a Starfleet uniform, but something in his bearing makes me suspect he's an officer or former officer too.
Chakotay turns to me at my approach. 'Ah, Katie, this is Cal. He'll take you and your father to Deep Space Nine.'
I reach out to shake Cal's hand before I realise what that means. 'You're not coming with us?' I ask. The thought of parting with him now, of putting my trust in someone else – even someone Chakotay trusts – I don't even want to think it. I know I'm not controlling my expression as I should, that the dismay is clearly written on my face, because I see it reflected on his. And it hurts him, to disappoint me.
It's not Chakotay but Cal who answers. 'He can't, it's too dangerous for him to leave the Zone,' he says as he steps closer to get back into my line of sight. 'But I promise to take good care of you and your father and get you there safely.' He seems friendly and trustworthy, but I still hate that Chakotay isn't coming with us. I don't want to say goodbye. But what more can I ask of him? He would come, if I asked him. It's written all over his face. He doesn't want to part any more than I do. But I can't ask him to court danger any more than he already has just because I'm too selfish to let him go.
My connection to Chakotay and my goal to get home, which have been working together so wonderfully these past few days, are now abruptly at odds. To achieve one I have to give up the other. He can't come with me and I can't stay here. I'm tempted, if just for a moment, to stay with Chakotay and help him fight for something he believes in. But staying here would mean abandoning the Captain and leaving behind everything, my family, friends and career, and fight for a cause I don't believe in. The realisation surprises me. Yes, I think the Cardassians are doing terrible things – how can I not after what I experienced? And no, Starfleet and the Federation don't even seem to be acknowledging this, let alone handling it adequately. So I understand the Maquis and sympathise with what they're trying to achieve, but I can't. I'm not quite sure why. It's not the recklessness of their actions, I know quite well that I can be reckless too, when pushed. I've had enough complaints about it over the years. I'm not afraid to take risks for something I believe in. I suppose that's the crux of the matter. I don't believe Starfleet's course is entirely correct, but I don't think the Maquis are right either. They're too small to solve the problem themselves and their tactics are too violent to attract the sort of support they need.
I look up at Chakotay to tell him this, to help him in some way, but I realise he already knows it. He's beginning to doubt his course too. That's why he doesn't want Starfleet to know he's with the Maquis. He's beginning to doubt them. But he can't go back. He's already burned those bridges. He can only go forward.
I'm vaguely aware that Cal is no longer standing with us, but I don't care. I'm only aware of Chakotay. I grasp his hand between both of mine and draw him closer. As close as I can while still looking him in the eye. I need him to see me, as well as hear me, so he can't doubt that I mean this. 'I believe in you, Chakotay. I have absolute faith in your humanity. No matter what you've done in the past, do what you believe to be right, now.'
I'm not sure which of us is shaking. Probably me. I'm shaking with conviction, wishing him to believe me, but I'm also trembling. I want to touch him, kiss him, but if I do how will I let go? So I fight the impulse, but it takes everything I have. Chakotay frees one of his hands from mine and I'm almost glad he can let go when I can't, but instead his hand gently cups my cheek. For a moment I think he'll thank me for my words, which would be crazy after everything he did for me.
But he doesn't seem to have words and I don't need them. I'm caught in his warm, dark eyes. I can see in them that he's just as affected as I am. That he finds it just as hard to part as I do. Words spill out of me, even though I have no idea what I'll say until I do. 'Three weeks ago I didn't even know your name; today I can't imagine a day without you,' I whisper. Chakotay swallows nervously. I see him struggle too, feel the nervous energy running through him. But I see him fighting to push it down. 'I'm sure Cal has already beamed over the Captain and is waiting for you,' he says and I'm not sure if I'm disappointed that he's trying to push me away or grateful that he's doing it for my sake. 'Take care of yourself, Kathryn.' He kisses my forehead, lingering for a long moment. I try to find the words to say goodbye, to thank him, tell him what everything he's done means to me, but I can't find a single one. He lets me go and leaves. It's a struggle to stay still, to follow him only with my eyes. I silently beg him to look back, just once, but it's almost a relief when he doesn't. Only when he's vanished from sight do I move.
I enter the shuttle. Due to its familiar design I find the bridge almost without thought. There are two seats in the front. Cal occupies one, but I don't take the co-pilot's seat this time. I just sink down in one of the chairs further back. One of the screens is programmed for medical readouts. I see the Captain, presumably in a bunk in the back, closely monitored by ship's systems. Cal doesn't look at me, or speak, nor do I, but he knows I'm here, because he starts up the engines and I hear the hatch close. I'm glad to be left to my own thoughts. We have a long road ahead of us. I can take an hour to feel and process. We'll get there.
A/N:
Not the end, guys! The last part will be up this weekend.