She felt like crying. The tight ball in her chest threatened to burst at any moment.
She could not control her emotions as she sat there next to him, she had closed her eyes and focused on her breathing to calm herself down. She tried to take comfort in his scent, and the feel of his shoulder keeping her grounded as she fought her own internal battle with what was happening. He was real. This was really happening.
Parts of her body wanted to run away, her mind and nerves were fighting tooth and nail to make her see reason and run. She was a Gryffindor and he was a Slytherin. She was Harry Potters best friend and he was in league with the same people who wanted him dead.
The rest of her wanted to stay. Pretend that nothing he had said had happened and that when she opened her eyes they would be alone in this room and there would be no wrong in the world, he wouldn't look like he had been taking a beating every night since the start of school, Katie Bell would be at the Quidditch match next week and he never would have told her that he had to kill someone.
She craved this reality. It was simpler. The one where he would not get up and destroy her perfect world, but this was simply never going to happen, and she knew her time in the room was coming to an end. She could feel it in the tensing of his shoulder.
"So, what are we going to do." She sighed lifting her head.
"We are going to do nothing Granger." He mumbled rolling his head back and forth massaging the back of his neck. She could hear the emphasis on the we. He stifled a yawn and stretched his limbs out in front of him.
"You're not sleeping." It wasn't a question, you could tell by looking at him that he had not had a good night's sleep in weeks, it was wearing on him physically and would soon mentally.
"No." he answered, she perked up a bit, he was playing along for the moment, so she would get what she could out of him before he stopped and shut down. He was still smart and conniving, she had faith that she would only get what he wanted her to know but she would take her chances and hope that he would slip.
"Is it because of what you have to do?"
"No" he said laughing slightly under his breath "To a decent wizard, a decent human being even; you would think having to do what I have to do would be the thing keeping me from sleeping, but no that's not it at all" He sat and looked at her for a moment. As if he was debating on trusting her. He wouldn't be wrong for deciding not to. They weren't friends, weren't anything even close. She had simply caught him in a weak moment.
"I am assuming you know who my aunt is?" He started, and she nodded in response. Bellatrix Lestrange needed no introduction. He nodded in return and then continued "After my father's arrest, there was talk of what I would have to do to bring honor back to the family. I'm sure you can imagine the shame our family suffered when Lucius wasn't able to bring the prophecy back to him." He stopped and looked at her raising an eyebrow as he watched her try to keep up with what he was saying
"While discussion of…my task, was going on Bella took it upon herself to teach me Occlumency in case I ran into a need for it while working. She's a very inspiring teacher" he sneered "I got very good very fast and knew that I was starting to impress, well impress certain people. However, one day the lessons stopped, Bella said that I had learned everything she could teach me, but I know that wasn't the truth. I've read up on it since being here and she simply taught me what she wanted to, what she needed to, in order to keep their secrets if I'm captured. She left out a huge portion of the lesson. A loop hole that would make my mind easy to reach and control. My dreams." He sighed closing his eyes. "I was naïve at the beginning of the term. I thought my task would be easy." He laughed
"Failing that I have been plagued every night with images of those I care about, particularly one in general, in every state of death a human mind can image. I have seen her with a slit throat, cursed, drowned, and on one particularly vivid night, hung." He said rubbing his throat. "I have no control over it, I can't stop the dreams and once they start I can't pull myself out of it. I am nothing but a puppet with a sick master, but then there are nights that I have some and she's sitting there, in the garden perfectly fine. Before our home became over ran and before the rise of the Dark Lord was even a possibility and she's smiling while drinking tea. I don't know what's the truth and you have no idea how crazy that can drive someone, not knowing if they're alive or dead." He finished getting off the desk and she knew her time was running short. Who knew when the next opportunity would strike to get him to talk again and she wanted to figure him out, figure this whole mess out before she began overthinking it.
"Who is she?" she said hopping down off the desk to come closer to him, she felt herself reach out to take his hand, as if she had lost all control of her limbs when he hesitated to speak, to trust her, but he pulled it away quickly.
"My mother." He sighed walking towards the door. "Don't get use to this Granger, it won't happen again." He said looking back at her.
She had no doubt in her mind that what he said was true and as the door slammed she could feel herself shatter. The emotions she had suppressed for the sake of keeping him talking began to spill out and she fell forward placing her head between her knees and the tears spilled forth disrupting the dust on the ground. The sobs wracked her body and it took her by surprise how strong the emotions playing through her were. She had sat and listened to him, the attempted murderer of some unnamed soul and instead of stopping him she had comforted him. Who was comforting Katie? Why hadn't she gone running to Harry the moment he lifted his sleeve and confirmed what her heart had feared. Whose side am I on she thought, bringing on a new wave of tears and the pain of betrayal in her chest would not subside.
A.N. Please review!
Chapters are going to start posting on Friday-Sunday. School is starting this week so less time to focus on posting during the week. Don't worry I wont go anywhere and leave these two lost souls.