Something Good
Part 1: Just Any Survivor
A/N: It has been forever since I've written fanfiction, but I got the bug to write a Rolivia story, so here I am. I have a Criminal Minds story of a similar nature, which I have discontinued because I've come to realize that I was a lot younger when I wrote that story, and there were some inaccuracies in it that would at this point make me uncomfortable to continue. If you read Strength and Courage and Strength and Healing, I'm so sorry for disappearing the way I did. It will always be special to me, but I don't wish to continue writing it at this point. So, I decided to take this new idea on, already having decided it will be fairly short(because anyone who has read my stories knows that I always give up a few chapters in).
Anyway, here's some additional information about what you are about to read:
It is established Rolivia(they have been dating for around six months). It takes place somewhere around season 17. It is slightly AU in that William Lewis never happened, but Patton did. The SVU team consists of Olivia, Amanda, Fin, and Carisi. Declan and Jesse don't and won't exist. This will eventually be porn with a plot (a rather significant plot, but PWP nonetheless). I've never written for SVU before, so I hope this isn't too OOC.
I apologize for the disgustingly long A/N, but I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!
Here we go!
"How are you doing?" Sergeant Olivia Benson asked softly, turning to her girlfriend as she sat casually on her barstool. The SVU squad had decided to go out for the evening, as a small celebration of their first guilty verdict in several months. Barba had opted not to join, but it was clear that the turnout had been a relief for the ADA. He knew SVU didn't come with much justice, but it was still painful to lose such important cases. Olivia's question came after a prolonged silence from the blonde, and her deep pensiveness had worried the older woman.
Amanda's head moved vigorously, almost like a dog shaking water from its fur, offering Olivia an unconvincing smile. "I'm good," she lied, almost believing it herself. Olivia gave her a reassuring smile and a small squeeze to the upper thigh, allowing her fingers to play softly with the fabric of the jeans below them. The gesture was not unwelcome, but the brunette knew it probably wasn't enough. Olivia knew all too well how the long spell of losses had affected Amanda, who may have been the only person in the world that could convince the longtime SVU detective she cared as much about their survivors as she did.
"If you want to talk-" Olivia tried to start, immediately being interrupted by Amanda, who she had not expected to be so willing to share.
"It's just—" The blonde giggled, noticing they had both spoken at once.
Olivia decided to hush herself in order to allow Amanda to say what she wanted to say. She nodded in her direction, encouraging her gently to continue.
"It's just…" she repeated, trailing off. Amanda took a deep breath. She knew that Olivia would empathetically listen to anything she said to her, but she couldn't help but feel like a burden any time she opened up. It's not like Amanda was the only person in the world to ever survive sexual assault. In fact, that was exactly the point. She was just any survivor. What made a survivor deserve justice more than another? "I'm so glad Aimee got justice, I really am. But I can't stop thinkin' about Kristen and Margarita and Emet and Virginia and Jasmine." She named the last five survivors whose cases SVU had worked, two of them being young children, pointing out that each of their assailants had walked free without even a slap on the wrist. "And…and…." Amanda sighed breathily, and Olivia knew she was referring to herself.
"The perps who are brought to justice seem random," Olivia reflected back to her girlfriend, summarizing her thoughts, and clarifying she had understood, a habit the sergeant had picked up from her own time in therapy.
Amanda nodded. "I'm not, like envious. That's not what I'm sayin'. It just…"
"Doesn't make sense?" Olivia offered with a sad smile.
"Exactly." The older woman remained silent for a moment, considering her options and her knowledge of two facts about her girlfriend of six months.
One, when with a person she trusted, touch was Amanda's ultimate love language. In the moment, there was nothing a gentle caress or squeeze couldn't set right.
But then there was 2. Because it had been less than a year since Amanda first admitted to being a survivor out loud, there were many things that came along with the unfortunate title that made the woman uncomfortable. And being outwardly comforted in a public space surrounded by their friends might earn the opposite of the desired effect.
Olivia decided to clandestinely glance at Fin and Carisi, who were borderline trashed, and learned that both men were none the wiser about the conversation unfolding next to them.
Amanda noticed her girlfriend glance at the men and had an idea of what she was trying to accomplish when the brunette made intentional eye contact with her. The feeling of looking into Olivia's eyes and having her own pools of blue searched and scanned wasn't something she'd expected to love so much. But there was something about it that made her feel truly seen and truly safe, both sensations she hadn't experienced before Olivia. Once the two had established eye contact, Olivia slowly allowed her forehead to move towards Amanda's, watching carefully for any signs of hesitation. This is how any physical intimacy went with the two, Olivia always noticing the tension in Amanda's body before the blonde had gathered the courage to ask for a break. Because of this, they had never managed to go beyond "second base", as sexually minded heterosexual men often called it. What that meant for the two women is that all clothes stayed on at all times unless they were alone. Olivia knew what had happened the last time Amanda had asked a "partner" to slow down ("partner" was the word Amanda had agreed to use with Olivia to avoid referring to anyone she had slept with by name), and she didn't have a hard time imagining why asking for a break would be difficult for her now. She just hoped that with time the blonde would learn to trust her, and she was willing to wait for as long as was necessary.
Amanda smiled softly as their foreheads met, wondering if Olivia would go in for a kiss. She loved kissing her girlfriend, and if she knew expectations would end there, she would enjoy the activity even more. She knew Olivia didn't expect anything of her and definitely didn't feel entitled to her body, but she knew that sex was long overdue in their relationship. It's just what couples did, and definitely way before their six-month mark. The young detective concluded that Olivia would likely not kiss her in this bar, not next to a drunk Fin and Carisi, and definitely not while she was in a vulnerable state. Amanda sighed, slightly disappointed, and not quite knowing how to ask for the physical attention anyway. She wondered if reassurance would help. "I really am okay, you know," she said slowly, her eyes wandering to Olivia's plump lips. "Just having some processing time," she finished with a soft chuckle.
Olivia nodded, deciding after one last look into thoughtful blue orbs that it would be okay to press a quick kiss to the skin of Amanda's nose. It was a compromise they could both live with. "Processing is good," the brunette murmured against soft skin.
The atmosphere between the two women soon again became relaxed, which was convenient since after a short time, Carisi, on his sixth beer in maybe two hours, had announced a game of "Never Have I Ever." Because Amanda had decided to not drink, they resorted to the old school method of putting down fingers when they had done something another player had never done. They had played this before a few years ago, Olivia and Fin losing in only slightly more rounds than they had fingers for. Carisi's Catholic boy past had given him an advantage that none of the other three had, but Amanda had previously resorted to lying in order to look like she had ever done anything salacious.
The game was going alright, and all four LEOs found themselves laughing lightheartedly together. Eventually, Olivia and Fin were out, and Carisi was trying to be creative enough to deliberately get Amanda to drop the last of her fingers. "Hmm…" the man thought for a moment. "Never have I ever—" he paused for dramatic effect—"slept with someone of the same sex," he finished.
Amanda felt her heart skip a beat. There was no way she was going to be able to conceal her micro expressions from her colleagues who'd studied human behavior. The detective knew that if a mirror had been held up in front of her face at that exact moment, she would learn that her cheeks were beat red, her skin was clammy, and her brow was furrowed fearfully. There was no getting out of this one. She halfway registered the feeling of Olivia's hand on her thigh, likely an attempt to ground her without drawing attention to them. Carisi and Fin both knew Olivia was her first relationship in a significant amount of time, and maybe she was her first relationship with another woman, but Carisi reasoned that surely, she had slept with the sergeant by now. It had been six months!
The men took Amanda's reaction for one of embarrassment and decided to tease their friend and colleague before Olivia could offer a change in subject. "C'mon, Amanda, just put your last finger down. I won fair and square."
Fin, who was even more intoxicated than the junior detective on their team, put the nail in their coffin. "No reason to be upset, 'Manda," he slurred. "I'd be proud to put that finger down if someone was giving me like nine orgasms a night."
It took Fin a moment, but Carisi knew immediately the older man had gone too far, shoving his arm in an effort to get him to sober up. There was no use, however, because in an instant the blonde had ripped Olivia's hand off of her, jumped off her barstool, and bounded into the fresh air.
Fin didn't come to his senses until Olivia stared daggers into him as she stood up, a look that clearly stated, "we're going to talk later." The look of horror that suddenly took over the features of Fin's face ordinarily would have made Liv falter, but they both knew he deserved to feel bad in that moment.
Carisi's voice, laced with Bronx-given passion, brought Olivia back to attention. "I got him, go take care of her."
Her.
Shit.
In her furious haze, Olivia hadn't even had time to notice what door the woman she loved had exited. She decided to just pick one and hope for the best. As she spotted the blonde, she thanked her lucky stars that something had been made easy for her that night. Amanda was curled up in a corner alley, her hands rubbing against her bare arms for warmth in the chilly night—Olivia immediately took off her own jacket during her approach. Noticing the puddle of vomit to Amanda's left, the sergeant intentionally sat to her girlfriend's right, not saying anything, but gently handing her the jacket.
"Thanks," Amanda muttered, her voice scratchy due to her fairly forceful retching. Both women were silent for a few moments as the blonde wrapped the jacket around her body, inhaling deeply. She almost hated how Olivia's scent made her feel. She almost wished she didn't trust her girlfriend so much. At least then, her actions tonight would be justified. Amanda changed her train of thought. "Is Fin dead?" she asked nonchalantly.
Olivia failed at preventing a small smile from forming on her lips. "Not yet." She sighed turning to Amanda. "We will definitely have words at some point." She paused. "But I'm more worried about you right now." She reached into the purse she was grateful she had grabbed as she ran out of the bar and revealed a bottle of water, which she opened slowly before offering it to her girlfriend. 'Do you think you can drink a little?"
Amanda nodded, gratefully taking the drink from Olivia before gulping down half the bottle. She vaguely remembered being told once that survivors of natural disasters and other forms of trauma were often given water as quickly as possible to help their bodies and minds heal. She suppressed a chuckle at the thought that maybe she wouldn't be so messed up if the first thing she had done after her rape was find the nearest water fountain.
"I didn't lose the game," was the next thing she said. Olivia looked at her questioningly. "Never Have I Ever slept with someone of the same sex." Amanda took another glug of the water bottle, imagining it were one hundred fifty proof vodka.
Olivia's calm didn't waver for even a moment. "I imagined that may be the case."
"I just kind of fell in love with you, you know." She went for another swig from the bottle, realizing it was empty. The brunette realized at the same time, and soon she produced a second bottle of water, handing it over. "You really should have been a Girl Scout, Liv." Amanda opened the bottle quickly. "Always motherfuckin' prepared," she singsonged after a small sip of water. Feeling better by the minute, she thought sarcastically. Thanks water!
Amanda was surprised for a moment that Olivia wasn't speaking, and then she realized—she wanted the blonde to share what she wanted at her own pace. She was Sergeant Benson-ing her! In Olivia's defense, the woman had made a career out of this type of interviewing, and she was unbelievably good at it. Amanda was starting to get uncomfortable. She didn't want to be just another one of Liv's survivors. She wanted to be Liv's. Period. "Baby, can you please say something?"
"Of course, love," the older woman soothed, moving her body even closer to her girlfriend's as a source of comfort—and heat. "I just didn't want to interrupt you if you were still wanting to say something."
Amanda decided to initiate contact, knowing she wouldn't get it in this vulnerable state unless she explicitly requested it. She didn't blame Olivia for being careful. She just wished she didn't have to be. The blonde closed the remaining distance between them, reaching for the arm that was nearest to her and encasing herself fully in it.
Warm.
That was the best way to describe Olivia. She was just warm. Always. Physically so, of course, and Amanda looked forward to being wrapped up in her arms for as long as she would have her, but Olivia's mere presence exuded a loving heat that the blonde had only just begun to process. People were drawn to the brunette because she cared about people in a way that was just so extraordinarily rare. And to be on the receiving end of that kind of tenderness and true warmth was the luckiest thing Amanda had ever experienced.
Olivia was glad that Amanda had reached out for her. She had also been craving physical contact, but never wanted to assume something was okay and didn't want to excessively ask at the risk of making her girlfriend anxious.
Liv took a moment to squeeze Amanda tightly to her, willing her to believe that everything was going to be okay, relieved when the blonde responded by laying her head on Olivia's shoulder. "If it makes you feel any better, I've never slept with a man. So, we're both picky."
The sergeant fully expected Amanda to laugh at that and was confused when she didn't. The blonde was quite keen on self-deprecating humor and was always desperate to lighten the mood. It didn't seem like she wanted to anymore. There was a pregnant pause before Amanda next spoke. "I wish I was that lucky."
Not much jarred Olivia Benson. She had been on the receiving end of spit, batons, violent hands, and even attempted rape, but this was the first time in a long time that she felt a knot forming in her stomach. What was Amanda, who was most definitely the love of her life, confessing to her? As the sergeant slowly pulled away from her girlfriend in order to get a better look at her face as they spoke, she felt Amanda hold on to her tighter. "Wait."
She paused almost involuntarily at the word. "Please let me explain."
In a moment of weakness, Olivia let herself press her lips to the blonde head that still attempted to rest on her shoulder. "Mm." She could tell that Amanda was uncomfortable with the conversation they were having, but definitely still wanted to have it. She could also tell that she desperately needed comfort and reassurance. Amanda was consistently afraid that Olivia would leave her, and the brunette needed her to know that no matter what, she was in this for the long haul. So she pressed a second lingering kiss into her hair.
Amanda closed her eyes at the sensation, wanting so deeply to savor and cherish any touch that felt good. The thought was still almost foreign to her, but she gave in to it. She knew Olivia better than anyone, and she wasn't going anywhere. "It's probably not what you think," Amanda decided to start, still feeling soft pressure against her scalp, and after a second she noticed Olivia had replaced her lips with her hand and had started slowly and tenderly massaging the usually well-kept curls that had been disturbed by the wind.
Olivia knew that if her desire to find out what Amanda wanted to tell her seemed urgent, her girlfriend would feel too much pressure to feel safe when sharing. The older woman decided to slow things down a bit. "I definitely want to hear what you have to say, 'Manda," she started, "but it's cold outside and it's after midnight. What do you think about continuing this at home?"
It was a genuine question, and Olivia was ready to react appropriately to whatever answer Amanda was going to give her. The brunette felt, rather than saw, her girlfriend nod. "Yeah, that sounds good. Can we tell the boys that we're okay? I don't want to worry them, and I don't want Fin to think I hate him."
Olivia stood up first and then reached down to grab one of Amanda's icy hands, supporting her as she slowly stood up. "I'll text Sonny when we get in the car." The blonde surrendered her other hand over to her girlfriend when she beckoned for it. "You're so cold," she observed, using her thumbs to rewarm the flesh beneath them. "Let's get you home."
"Do you want some tea or hot chocolate?" Olivia offered as they entered their apartment and Amanda took off Liv's coat.
Amanda shook her head. "I just want to sit down and talk if that's okay."
Olivia allowed Amanda to guide her into their living room, and they sat down on their couch together, facing each other. "I know what you're worried about," the blonde started, earning a nod from Liv. "And I didn't mean to scare you. The truth is more complicated than that."
She had hoped Olivia would be relieved at that, but the brunette knew that there was a thousand ways for sexual assault to occur, especially if it's "complicated." Liv wanted her to continue, so she gave her an encouraging nod, reaching out to take one of her hands. For the night, at least, she had decided to surrender to her desire to comfort Amanda, knowing that it took a lot more than a soothing gesture to make her anxious. "You can tell me anything," she assured. "I mean it," she promised, knowing that Amanda was not easily convinced.
"I grew up in Georgia. I was told I was gonna grow up, marry any man I could find, have missionary sex, and create as many children as possible, and goddammit, I was gonna love it. I watched my parents' marriage fall apart in front of me. I watched my mom cry herself to sleep every night, bruises forming all over her body. One night, I heard more cryin' than usual, and then through my window, I watched my dad leave in his truck, the smell of cigarette smoke wafting up to my room. He was gone for three months. Six months after he got back, my sister was born. That's what husbands and wives did." Amanda paused for a moment to steady herself, her eyes begging for support from Olivia. The brunette reached to tenderly wipe a tear away, a tear Amanda didn't even notice was present. Liv's fingers lingered on Amanda's cheek for a moment. "Keep going when you're ready."
The truth is Olivia didn't quite know where Amanda was going with this story, but she knew that her girlfriend wasn't one to openly share much about her past, and it was clear the dam was breaking. The sergeant was going to do whatever she could to keep that dam open.
The blonde took a shaky breath. "I've always known I liked girls." That shocked Olivia. She had always thought their relationship was an exception. "I mean, I never acted on it. I wasn't lyin' about that. The truth is I had to make a choice. A choice between possibly finding happiness while facin' the real possibility of being murdered by my father or bein' miserable and possibly bein' murdered by a man like my father. I chose the latter. I don't know why. I guess my Southern indoctrination was too strong. None of the men I dated were outright abusive, but they weren't concerned with my comfort, and they certainly weren't concerned with my pleasure. A girl at my high school got caught touchin' herself and no one heard from her again, so I never did that either. And then after Patton, well I just decided I was never going to have sex again. It always hurt and it made me feel dirty, and I was done with feeling that way." A blush had formed on Amanda's cheeks, and though Olivia's constant caress didn't make the color fade at all, the blonde desperately needed to be grounded in the present moment. "I didn't leave because of what Carisi said," she began to conclude, Olivia deciding to drop her hand to rest it on top of Amanda's. "I was embarrassed and upset of course—because what kind of crazy person spends six months in a relationship without sex?!"
Olivia desperately wanted to interrupt, to assure her that nothing about their situation was abnormal, wanted to tell her that she was so brave for sharing what she had, wanted to tell her that she'd rather never have sex again than have sex with anyone other than Amanda, but the brunette knew Amanda needed to finish her story, needed the catharsis of finally talking about this, so she restrained herself.
"What really got me…was—"
Olivia heard her voice crack and could barely allow her to finish. "Please take your time sweetheart. Don't rush it. I'm not going anywhere." The brunette had prayed for months for this moment to come, had wished upon a star, begged any higher power she could think of to help Amanda feel comfortable talking to her, but she couldn't have imagined how painful it would be to hear about her struggle. She had been an outcry witness for hundreds of people, had listened to the most disturbing disclosures possible, but she didn't know if her body could physically handle Amanda's anguish.
"I had to leave when I heard Fin's comment." Olivia had to take a moment to remember what he had said, and in an instant, she realized what her girlfriend was trying to tell her.
"Oh."
In her exhausted panic, Amanda began to ramble. "God, I'm so sorry, Liv, I-I know this isn't what you signed up for when we started dating. I'm almost forty years old, you shouldn't have to teach me how to have sex. I mean, nine? He thinks every night, I have nine—"
"Amanda." Olivia's tone wasn't abrasive, but it wasn't as gentle as the blonde was used to. It got her attention right away, which was it's intended effect. Liv's voice grew softer. "I need you to take a deep breath, baby, and I need you to say what you've been trying to tell me, okay?"
"I think you figured it out though."
Olivia smiled lovingly, allowing herself her first deep breath in a while. "I think you need to say it out loud, and then we need to talk about what it means for you. One step at a time."
"Okay, um….I've…I've never had an orgasm?"
"Is that a question?" Olivia wasn't trying to make this harder on Amanda. Quite the contrary, actually, Olivia knew that the blonde needed practice speaking her truth aloud. It was the only way to move forward. If Amanda could be honest with Olivia without sugarcoating facts, then their path towards intimacy may be more straightforward.
"No, it's not," Amanda decided. "I've never had an orgasm. Not once."
Olivia gave a swift nod. "Okay."
"Okay? You're not upset?"
Olivia sighed. "Of course I'm upset." She kept her voice intentionally low as she spoke. "It hurts me to know that there were men who wouldn't care enough to make you feel good, or even make sure you weren't in pain. It breaks my heart that you've never experienced one of the most fundamental aspects of human expression and connection. And it's absolutely devastating to know that you think there is something wrong with you because of it."
Amanda didn't know what to say, so she though carefully for a moment. "Ever since I was a kid, all the messages I was receiving told me that when someone touches you in that way, it hurts. And then when I experienced it, all my fears were confirmed. And then Patton happened, and it came to a point where I didn't understand why people had sex at all. So, I just gave up. I should have tried harder."
"You tried hard enough," Olivia assured tearfully, uttering a mantra she had heard directed at dozens of other women. "You survived." Of course, Liv then had to edit it to make it work for their situation. "You survived, Amanda, and now you can live. It'll take time, but I want to support you in your journey to feel something good. Because you deserve it. You deserve that and you deserve so much more, baby." She took one more deep breath, taking in the site of the woman in front of her. "You look so tired, my love. Do you think sleep sounds like a good idea?"
Amanda nodded, not sure how to take it all in, but knowing that Olivia wanted to stay. At this point, that's all that mattered. Normally, the blonde was so confident at work, busting perps and supporting survivors in a way that could rival Olivia's efforts. But at home, she was always much more reserved with Olivia, and the brunette couldn't appreciate the courage her girlfriend was exhibiting more if she tried. She felt herself physically drawn to Amanda, but in the midst of the new context she had been given, didn't know how close she was to crossing a boundary.
Olivia reached out a hand to finger a tendril of Amanda's hair that had come out of her ponytail in the course of the evening. "Can I give you a quick hug?" she asked, more shyly than usual.
Amanda decided to latch on to her bravery. "Actually, can I have a kiss?"
Olivia would be lying if she said she weren't surprised at the proposition.
"I don't know if I've ever told you," the blonde began by way of explanation, "but I really like it when you kiss me. It makes me feel safe."
The brunette's smile gave away almost everything she wanted to relay to Amanda in that moment, and the kiss they shared took care of the rest. The blonde reveled in the sensation, for the first time in a long time, looking forward to what was to come. She felt Olivia's hand come to rest in her hair and she hummed softly in appreciation.
They were getting somewhere.
A/N: If you made it this far, thank you! Please leave a review and let me know what you think. I haven't written fanfiction in many years, so I'm hoping this is okay! I'll definitely update faster if there is a response to this story. Thanks guys!
-Gabby