Something Good

Part 2: At The End of the Rainbow

A/N: Thank you so much for the response so far guys! I really appreciate the words of encouragement. This is a topic that is really important to me, so if you guys like this story, then it's even more special. I don't expect this story to be much longer than five chapters or so, but I don't write ahead, so chapter 3 hasn't been written yet. That being said, if there is something specific anyone wants to see within the lens of this story, then please let me know—I'd be happy to incorporate your ideas!

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Amanda woke up the next morning to the hushed sound of Olivia's voice on the phone and the feeling of a soft hand rubbing slow lines up and down her back. She ignored the urge to sigh at the sensation, not wanting her girlfriend to know she was awake just yet. Keeping her eyes closed, Amanda focused on the words she heard.

"She's okay, Sonny."

"Yeah, it was a long night for her."

"No, it wasn't your fault, and it really wasn't Fin's either. It was bound to happen eventually."

"Yeah, no it definitely still wasn't okay for him to say what he did."

"Yeah, could you do that? I'd appreciate it."

"Okay, Carisi, I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, I will. Bye."

After Olivia hung up the phone, Amanda could tell the brunette was watching her. She heard her girlfriend sigh and then felt warm fingers in her hair. "I know you're awake." A pause lingered in the air as Amanda tried to convince Olivia she was wrong. "Your breathing sped up," the sergeant observed with a gentle laugh.

Amanda groaned, rolling over and opening her eyes simultaneously. "That's not fair! How do you know I wasn't trying to sleep?"

"By all means," Olivia invited, gesturing to the bed under them, "continue."

"Nah, I'm awake now," Amanda grumbled, settling into her pillow and facing Olivia, who was holding herself up with one elbow. "What time is it?"

"A little after noon," Olivia commented, reaching out to intertwine her fingers with Amanda's. "It looked like you slept well. I've been up for a little while."

"Mm. What did Carisi say?" Amanda took a moment to stretch a bit, noting some soreness in her body. She must have fallen asleep in a pretty tense position. Is wasn't uncommon, but the blonde hated waking up like this. It felt like she needed an oil can.

"He was just checking in."

"I'm sorry 'bout all of the hullabaloo, Liv. Last night was supposed to be fun." Amanda didn't want to feel guilty, and she knew on a logical level that she had no reason to feel bad for the events of last night. But she couldn't help how she felt. What you know and what you feel are two entirely different things.

"No need to apologize, baby," Olivia reassured, reaching out with her spare hand to pull Amanda closer to her. "I'm glad we finally got to talk some things through."

Amanda's gaze shifted from Olivia's chocolate orbs to the bedsheets below them. 'Do you think this is weird?"

Liv raised an eyebrow. "Do I think what's weird?" she inquired.

"That we live together and sleep in the same bed. Most couples have sex before they're that committed." Amanda hated how caught up on this she was, and the taste of the words as they came off her tongue was bitter. Ever since she was young, she was the weird kid, the kid with the revolving door dad, the closeted kid, the late bloomer. She just wanted to be normal, and she wanted her and Olivia to be a normal couple.

"Lots of couples do lots of things before other things, Amanda," Liv gently explained. "We don't have to be like them. We just have to be like us. I, for one, really value the intimacy this affords us. We don't have to be sexual to connect, you know."

"But I want to be," Amanda softly admitted before continuing, volume rising as she spoke. "I never thought I would crave it like this, but now that I'm with you, it just makes sense. I want it so bad, Liv, sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. How can I need something I'm afraid of so badly?"

This got Olivia's attention. In less than twelve hours, the blonde had gone from declaring she had never wanted to have sex again to practically begging for it. The older woman couldn't imagine how frustrating it must be to live inside Amanda's brain sometimes. She felt so deeply for her, and she wished she had an easy answer in response.

The brunette sighed, remaining quiet for a moment. She watched as Amanda studied her features. The detective feared she had finally gone too far, spilling too much trash into the landfill of their relationship. Olivia decided to just tell her girlfriend what she was thinking. "I wish I had an easy answer for you, baby, I really do." The brunette's hand had been still on Amanda's upper back until then, but Olivia tended to want to use touch in situations where words wouldn't suffice. The blonde was still (likely involuntarily) pulling her body even closer to her girlfriend's, burying her face in her shirt and closing her eyes, so the brunette figured it was a safe bet that she too wanted more contact. Olivia allowed herself to trace soothing circles over Amanda's tank top, deciding to speak again once the blonde's eyes met hers. "What I do have is the ability to work through all of this with you. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm here to help you process, okay?"

The blonde nodded. "I just don't want to be shrink-ed, you know?" Olivia hummed in response, knowing Amanda's thoughts on therapy. "I'm not tryin' to say that I think therapy is useless. I really don't feel that way, but I'm not the kind of person who can just sit in front of a stranger and spill my tragedies like casual conversation."

Olivia knew this about her girlfriend. Amanda was the opposite of an open book; she was wrapped up and packed securely for a trip to Mars or something. But the one thing Amanda had on her side was intimate knowledge of the process. She knew how it worked, and Olivia was probably the closest person to a mental health professional she would ever feel comfortable confiding in. And Amanda definitely didn't want to see a sex therapist. "Well, I'm not a stranger," Olivia pointed out. "And I'm definitely not looking for you to spill your tragedies, not unless you want to. What I want," she explained, "is an exchange of thoughts. I want you to be able to tell me what you're feeling in the moment. And you know, honey, I don't expect that to be easy for you. But I do think that it will be possible."

"I think so too."

"Yeah?"

Amanda nodded. "The thing is…."

Olivia nodded back. "I'm listening, sweetheart. Keep going."

"I don't even know where to start with this whole sex thing. Navigating consent is important of course, but I don't think that's our issue." Amanda waited a moment for Olivia to say something, but the older woman wasn't going to interrupt the blonde's thought process. When she began speaking, she just needed to get it all out. The brunette did decide to give her girlfriend an encouraging smile. Eventually, Amanda continued. "For me, sex was always somethin' I did for other people. In a literal sense, to get my sister out of trouble—" Amanda looked up expectantly at Olivia for a second, knowing calling what happened with Chief Patton "sex" is not a choice the sergeant would have made, but not even that caused Olivia to interrupt her—"and then because it was what my boyfriends wanted, and I thought it was my job to give myself to them."

Olivia prided herself on her ability to listen more than speak, but it would be an understatement to say she was struggling now. Amanda was able to sense this and decided to end her story there for a moment to allow her girlfriend to interject. "No one is entitled to your body. It's yours and yours alone. I'm trying not to be angry here because this is not about them, it's about you—that's entirely the point of this conversation. But, my God, baby, I just have to say that I could kill every man that's ever put his hands on you."

Amanda nodded. She should be angry too. She eventually allowed herself to be angry at Patton, but for her, it also came with anger at herself—with guilt and shame, and the knowledge that she walked into that hotel room. What did she expect to happen? And the men she dated when she was younger—Amanda couldn't bring herself to expect better from them. With the exceptions of Carisi and Fin, she surrounded herself with men who had committed the most atrocious of crimes. Did she do it on purpose? Is that how she justified how her previous boyfriends had treated her?

At least Joseph didn't tie her down.

At least Trevor didn't hit her.

At least Lee didn't laugh when she asked him to stop.

At least Devon didn't try to kill her.

Amanda found herself back in that time with those men, a time before she had known love, before Olivia. And she didn't want to be there anymore. Olivia had told her that sex can feel good, that it can be a good thing for both people involved, and God, how she wanted to believe her. How she wanted to just trust that her girlfriend was telling the truth and give in to her urges. If sex couldn't be a safe and pleasurable thing, then why would her body be craving it so much? Why would her stomach do flips when Olivia walked into the room? Why would the feeling of Olivia's lips on hers leave her wanting more?

"I wish we could just do it."

"I think that would be a little irresponsible," Olivia noted. "I definitely wouldn't feel good about it." Her tone was gentle, but her words had a bite to them. Amanda sensed Olivia's disgust, and logically knew it was at the idea of taking advantage of her, but she still couldn't convince herself that SVU's leader wasn't experiencing serious doubts about their relationship. If that's where the brunette's thoughts were going, Amanda definitely wanted to distract her.

"I wouldn't even know where to start anyway." Amanda was dejected. She wanted to tell Olivia how she was feeling, but she couldn't bring herself to look at her anymore. It made her too sad. The feeling of being a burden was the blonde's least favorite. She sat up after the statement, needing to put some physical distance between herself and her girlfriend.

"Hey." Amanda had never heard Olivia speak in a softer tone, and the sheer love in her voice caused the blonde to release a rather unceremonious sob. The sound was completely involuntary, and Amanda hated herself for it. She hated the lack of control. Olivia sat up, positioning her body next to her, but decided to keep her distance for the time being. She began to fear her words and actions of comfort were too much for Amanda. The sergeant let her girlfriend cry, knowing that she desperately needed some form of release. All of these emotions had been trapped inside of her for so long, and she knew it wouldn't take much for the conversation to be overwhelming. Still, she needed to clarify her previous statement. "It's not you I wouldn't feel good about. I need to make that clear. I feel so, so good about you. I just worry that you're so desperate for things to be easy that you wouldn't be able to acknowledge what feels right for you, and that even if you were able to, you wouldn't feel comfortable voicing those things. Like you said, you don't know where to start, and we can figure out where that place is, baby, but it's not 'Let's throw caution to the wind and just have sex.' I really think that waiting and exploring is going to be our best bet. And I have a feeling you agree with me. "

The blonde's crying had lessened some as her girlfriend spoke. Why did she have to make so much sense? Amanda, feeling a little lightheaded from the exertion, laid her head in Olivia's lap, knowing the brunette's hands would find their way into her hair. She was more than okay with the contact; the truth is she always was, she just sometimes felt undeserving of Liv's particular brand of love. "Well, that's easy for you to say," Amanda accused with a quick chuckle. "You know what you're waiting for. I'm just sittin' here hoping there's some kind of pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

Olivia didn't respond for a minute, so the blonde rotated her body so that she was lying on her back, still keeping her head in the older woman's lap, but putting herself in a position to see her face if she looked up. What Amanda found was a tightly pressed smirk playing on the woman's lips. The brunette knew they were having a serious discussion, but she couldn't help finding just a touch of humor at her girlfriend's words. "Is that supposed to be a thinly veiled euphemism for orgasm?"

Amanda busted into manic laugher. "I'm sorry," she tried, still fighting a fit of giggles with an occasional tear making its way down her pale cheeks. "I have no reference, so I just said something."

Olivia's right pointer finger found the center of Amanda's forehead, before traveling down the bridge of her nose and back up again. Once again, the blonde allowed herself to close her eyes and savor the moment. "Just let it feel good, Amanda," she thought to herself, repeating it inside her mind like a mantra. "Just let it feel good."

A small smile graced the sergeant's usually frowning face. "I mean," she softly drawled, continuing to trace the soft skin of Amanda's face with one finger, almost as if in an attempt to memorize the features she found there, "I can see the comparison."

Amanda's eyes snapped open in frustration and her arms flailed in the air. "Are we really gonna sit here and talk about fucking orgasms like I'm twelve fucking years old?!"

Olivia was not fazed, stilling her finger at the tip of Amanda's nose for a minute and asking softly, "Is that what you want to talk about? I'm more than okay with that."

"You don't make this easy for me, you know."

"You mean I don't make it easy for you to pretend this isn't happening." Olivia emphasized her point with a tap to the tip of the blonde's noise. "Listen, babe, if you want to go the rest of your life without experiencing sexual pleasure, then that is your prerogative, and I fully support you in that. Really," she promised at Amanda's questioning glance. "And I'm not going anywhere. But what I'm hearing is that is not the case, and that's why we have an issue. Because you're not going to get what you want until you can talk about it."

Amanda hummed in agreement, still looking up at Olivia, before lifting her own pointer finger to "boop" the brunette's nose. "You make a very convincing point. Better tell Barba you're coming for his gig."

Olivia smiled softly, relieved they were coming to the same conclusion. "What do you think about getting some breakfast and talking some more on the couch?"

"Aww, but I could look up at you like this forever."

Olivia scooted from under the blonde, gently guiding her head off of her legs in the process. "And forever, you will have." She grinned widely, feeling like things were going to be okay. "We just need food first." She reached her hand out to Amanda, who eagerly took it before the two walked together to their kitchen.

"Coffee?" Amanda offered, moving towards the Keurig.

"Yes, please. Thank you, babe.

Amanda made both of them cups of coffee and Olivia decided simple cereal would do for breakfast. They brought their food and drinks into the living room before sitting down together on the couch, both women crossing their legs like a pretzel as they settled in. "You know," Amanda started, deciding that if they were just going to go for it, she should get anything she could off her chest, "when I said I wouldn't even know where to start, I wasn't exaggerating."

Olivia warmed her hands on the mug she held. "I didn't think you were. You've never had any freedom to explore before. I don't want you to think you should just know what you want. Everyone is different and being aware of what your body needs is a skill just like anything else."

A lot of people who knew Olivia figured she was incredibly experienced, and it's not that she wasn't, she was just picky. She had what the kids refer to as a "hoe phase" before she became a cop, but really, she was just incredibly observant with herself and with her past partners.

Amanda looked at her skeptically for a moment, so Olivia took it upon herself to justify her words. "I took a few really progressive human sexuality classes in college," the brunette explained. "I learned a whole bunch of really cool shit."

"Why do I feel like you probably learned some shit I'm not gonna wanna hear?" the blonde asked nervously. She had a feeling about where this conversation was leading, and though she knew Olivia came from both a loving and educated place, she longed for the possibility of skipping it.

Olivia smiled sympathetically at her girlfriend, putting her coffee mug down on the table in front of them and gesturing for Amanda to do the same. "Just hear me out, okay?" the sergeant requested slowly, placing her hands in Amanda's lap. The blonde intertwined her fingers with her girlfriend's. She didn't know if she trusted what was coming next, but she knew she had to trust Olivia. The older woman waited until the detective had nodded her consent before speaking again. "Sex isn't necessarily instinctual," she began. "It can be eventually, but two people who have never slept together before aren't always going to have an easy time, especially if one of them doesn't know what their body responds to. And that's totally okay. But we have to decide what path we want to walk down. I know you, and I just can't shake the thought that feeling safe with my touch, figuring out what you need, and directing me at the same time is going to be totally overwhelming. Learning to experience pleasure should be fun. It shouldn't be a traumatic experience. That's not what I want for you, baby."

"So, you're saying one step at a time?"

The brunette nodded slowly. "There's one step you can do on your own, and I want to invite you to explore it. It may make things easier in the long run."

As the realization of what her girlfriend was suggesting set in, Amanda's eyes went wide, and she'd be willing to testify to the fact that her heart skipped at least one beat. She shook her head slowly from side to side. "Olivia," she whispered.

The sergeant expected this reaction. "Baby, I'm only asking you to consider it."

Amanda began to feel nauseated. "I just don't know how comfortable I'd be with that. The idea makes me so anxious, and not just because of religious indoctrination." She wasn't sure how to finish her thought. She eventually settled on, "Because I'm a survivor too, you know." Olivia could see Amanda's eyes water. "What if I have a panic attack and you're not there? I don't want to." She shook her head vigorously. "I don't want to, Liv. Please, I can't."

Olivia lifted Amanda's hand and placed it on her own chest. "I need you to breathe, Amanda. Just breathe. All you have to do right now is breathe with me, okay? You can do that, I promise. Breathe when I breathe." Amanda was able to nod, taking a shaky breath. "You don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do, sweetheart. Never, ever, ever. I'm not trying to make you do this, okay? I promise."

Amanda's breathing returning to normal after a minute. "God," she breathed, "this is the second time in the past hour I've done this."

"That's okay," Olivia assured her, wiping her tear-stained cheeks and moving her hair out of her face. The sergeant realized this was likely too much. Amanda's eagerness to move forward had made her seem more ready than she was. The long-time SVU detective was a smart woman, and she was an expert in many things, but she didn't quite know how to navigate this journey, and it did make her feel a little insecure. "I know that this is all a lot for you. We're probably moving a little bit too fast. Let's slow down a bit, yes?" Amanda seemed relieved at that, leaning her body into her girlfriend's and inviting her to wrap her arms around her. The brunette gave in with a loose hold, letting the tips of her fingers squeeze the blonde's skin only slightly. "You were right before," she said quietly, resting her chin on blonde hair. "Before we address your needs as someone who's never had an orgasm, we need to address your needs as a survivor.

The blonde softly hummed in agreement, grasping tightly onto her girlfriend's night shirt and burying her head in her chest.

Olivia was always careful about holding her too tightly, but the grip that the blonde had on her now left no room for doubt—she needed more. A desperate whisper of the word "please" was the last assurance the sergeant needed before she practically lifted Amanda fully onto her lap, holding her with a fervor that was new to both of them.

They knew that the pot of gold they were heading for was at the end of a rather crooked rainbow.

It was still beautiful.

A/N: I hope you liked this one! Please leave me a review and tell me what you think! I'm hoping to update later this week!

-Gabby