Something Good
Part 3: Green, Yellow, Red
A/N: Thank you all again for your wonderful reviews! Your words are so encouraging. Updates will probably slow down at this point, just because the holidays are ending and I'm about to go back to school on the 8th. But you never know—reviews make me update faster!
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!
I don't have anything else to say, so here we go!
Olivia's phone rang at an ungodly hour that Wednesday. The squad had managed to secure a few days off thanks to their recent victory and an uncharacteristically quiet weekend. They all knew it was just a waiting game at this point, and it appeared the wait had come to an abrupt end.
The SVU sergeant chanced a swift look at the time before she looked at who was calling.
4:26 a.m.
She felt Amanda shift in the bed next to her as she checked the caller ID. Without turning on the light, Olivia softly moved to get out of the bed.
"Whose phone is that?" the blonde murmured, grogginess lacing her voice.
The brunette squeezed Amanda's arm quickly before exiting the bed completely. "I got it, babe, go back to sleep."
Amanda heard a soft, "Hey, what do we got?" as her girlfriend exited the room.
The younger woman sat up, sleepily realizing that SVU had received a case. She rubbed her tired eyes and sighed. She knew Olivia would have to come back before leaving, so she decided not to get up and follow her.
After about a minute, the brunette returned, speaking more quietly as she reentered the bedroom. She clearly had not noticed that Amanda was awake.
"I'll meet you at Mercy in about thirty minutes."
"Have they started a kit?"
"Okay, see you then." She hung up the phone and began to search for appropriate clothing, still shrouded in darkness in an attempt to keep from waking Amanda. It was when she determined she couldn't read the numbers on the combination lock attached to the gun safe that the woman realized she may have a problem.
The blonde reached to turn on the lamp next to her side of the bed, startling Olivia.
"I thought you might need some light," Amanda offered.
The sergeant took a moment to pause her search. "Did I wake you up, 'Manda? I'm so sorry, I was trying to be quiet."
The detective shook her head for a moment with a light chuckle. "I was up at the sound of your phone," she explained. She sat up farther in bed as Olivia opened their gun safe. "Vic at Mercy?" she asked.
Olivia nodded, holstering her weapon. "Nineteen-year-old NYU student. Boyfriend broke into her dorm."
"Oh, well let me get dressed and I'll come with you."
Liv sat down on the bed next to Amanda, effectively preventing her from getting out of it. "You know, it seems like a pretty cut and dry case. Hospital is already running a kit. Why don't you try to get some more sleep and I'll update you in a couple of hours? Some time to yourself might do you some good." Now what was that supposed to mean? "Fin and I got it."
Amanda shook her head, pulling the comforter all the way off of her to make a point. "Now, I really think I should come. You and Fin haven't had a full conversation since Friday, and you may need a mediator." The last thing Amanda wanted was for more attention to be brought to her situation because of some type of squad room brawl.
"I'm a big girl, sweetie," Olivia promised. "Fin's a good cop—I wouldn't dare get in the way of that."
Amanda finally nodded in surrender. "I am still really sleepy," she justified. "I do want to be kept in the loop though."
Olivia nodded, drawing a deliberate "X" over her chest. "Cross my heart. You're my best detective." The brunette leaned in until their foreheads were touching.
"Oh, c'mon, Liv, you're just biased," Amanda argued, wrapping both her arms around Olivia's neck and drawing her closer.
The brunette pecked her girlfriend's nose. "Only a little."
Amanda was slightly surprised when Olivia went in for a full kiss, capturing her lips in hers more passionately than she had in a while. The blonde didn't mind it though. Quite the contrary actually. As she felt Olivia grip her waist, she couldn't help but to sigh in approval, allowing herself to get lost in the moment. Amanda's thoughts turned to what was to come for them—if kissing Olivia felt this good and this right, she couldn't even imagine what was waiting for her. But Amanda knew there was work to be done first. It was Olivia who eventually pulled away, and Amanda was reluctant to let her. Neither woman wanted to end the contact, but Olivia knew she had to get going.
"Thanks for that," Amanda whispered, holding tightly to her girlfriend, possessing the unfortunate knowledge that she was leaving.
"Mhm," the brunette hummed. The older woman reveled in the contact she was able to have with her girlfriend. She loved every moment of it and never wanted it to stop. However, it was important to Olivia that the two didn't take things too far too quickly. It was possible that Amanda's body was ready for things that her mind and especially her heart weren't ready for. She knew although Amanda appreciated her girlfriend's patience and commitment to respecting her limits, the constant checking in did make her uncomfortable. The sergeant was already planning a conversation for later that would help establish guideline-type boundaries for them in the hopes that it would prevent some of the awkwardness that Amanda so disliked. "I'll have my cell phone on me all day, so call me if you need anything, anything at all."
Amanda nodded against Olivia's forehead, hating that it was time to let go. "I love you," she vowed, quietly and reverently, as if praying. The words were almost a thank you.
"I love you too." The brunette kissed the younger woman once more, in a slightly more chaste manner than before, but it still managed to convey the same affection and want. "No matter what," she promised, knowing that it's what Amanda needed to hear these days.
The sergeant pulled away slowly, leaving their hands connected for a moment. "Talk to you later."
"Mhm," Amanda agreed, finally releasing Olivia's hand.
The two women had spent practically every moment together since Friday night, and not being together was going to be an adjustment for them. Olivia had something to go and do, and the purpose afforded her some relief, but Amanda was dreading being alone.
After the brunette had left, Amanda decided she was going to try to get some more sleep. She definitely didn't want to be alone with her thoughts, and she hoped that sleeping would make the time go by faster.
After more than an hour of tossing and turning, the sun beginning to rise clued Amanda in to the fact that sleep was just not going to happen at this point. She needed to be doing something useful.
Useful.
It didn't seem like Olivia and Fin needed her help for the case, so she turned her mind towards other things.
She got up and watered their plants.
She put out some food and water for the neighborhood cats.
She waved at their neighbor as he left for work.
She supervised some elementary school kids as they waited for the bus.
At a little after nine, Amanda realized there were no other ways remaining that she could be useful to others.
And then she realized the "to others" part. She had a day to herself and she was just trying to figure out what she could do for other people. How could she be useful to herself?
She knew exactly how.
It probably would have been easier to wait for the mailman and then drive his route for him, but Olivia's words to her kept running through her mind, words about doing things step by step, about not overwhelming herself with too much too fast, about how this process should be enjoyable, and then louder than the others: "There is one step that you can do on your own."
The blonde absolutely dreaded the idea, but she wasn't going to do this when Olivia was around, and when was the next time she'd have the apartment to herself for several hours at a time? And realistically, what was the worst thing that could happen?
She would get a little embarrassed.
She would feel uncomfortable.
These were feelings she felt on the daily anyway, so why not risk a small loss for the chance to experience huge gains? She knew Olivia would answer her phone immediately if she called, so her safety wasn't actually an issue. Before the blonde could convince herself otherwise, she found her feet moving steadily towards the bedroom she shared with her girlfriend. She found her hand closing the door and then she found herself ridding her legs of her pajama pants.
Should she take off her underwear too?
What about her tank top?
Should she put her hair into a ponytail?
Would doing a little jig help?
Amanda's better judgement told her to avoid google and just see what happened. The unfortunate fact here though was that the blonde couldn't sit back and see what happened. She had to make something happen.
She sat on the bed, deciding to leave her underwear on for now, and allowed herself to take comfort in knowing she had full control over what happened next.
She thought for a moment as she laid her head on Olivia's pillow. What did she know about masturbation?
It was bad.
It would hurt.
She would panic.
She didn't know where to start.
Olivia would judge her.
There was no point.
She shouldn't do it.
"Bullshit," Amanda whispered. "Things are different now."
The blonde took a deep breath, and decided to speak aloud to herself, resting her right hand on her stomach and feeling it rise and fall rapidly along with her chest. "What do I really know about touching myself?"
Olivia thinks it's a good idea.
I trust Olivia.
I'm in control here.
I'm safe.
I can stop whenever I want.
I deserve this.
Amanda's hand travelled slowly down the plane of her stomach, feeling stiff muscles contract in trepidation. "I deserve this." There was something about hearing her own voice that brought her more calm than her thoughts alone ever could.
Again, she whispered, as she let her fingers glide slowly over the cotton of her underwear. "I deserve this."
The detective fully cupped herself over her underwear and then stilled her hand with a shaky breath. She knew she didn't have to go farther than this. She knew she could simply allow herself to feel compassion towards her body for a nanoscopic moment and then go on with her day like it hadn't even happened.
But that's not what she wanted to do.
A tiny flame ignited in the blonde's heart in that instant, and at first, she didn't know what it meant. And then all at once, she knew. She was invigorated, empowered, and dare she say—excited. A heavy door, once closed to her, had slammed open with such intensity that it took her breath away.
There was a path forward.
At first, her fingers just twitched a tiny amount. But she wanted to feel more. So, without a second thought, she lifted her hips and took off her underwear. The cold air hit her exposed skin and she hissed. She had never directed her attention at what she felt between her legs before; in fact, she was used to quite the opposite. The new sensation jolted her for a beat, assisting in her decision to cover herself with a blanket.
At least she knew that warm always felt good. "I deserve this."
Hesitant fingers manipulated course pubic hair for a few minutes, the light pulling a fairly pleasant and more importantly, not overtly sexual sensation. When her anxiety returned, it was because Amanda knew she had no idea what she was doing. She wished she knew what Olivia would do. She could almost hear her voice next to her. "Do what makes you feel safe."
What made Amanda feel safe?
Olivia.
She knew she wasn't going to get Olivia in that moment, and so she settled for the next best thing. The blonde shifted her positioning on the bed so that her head was resting on her own pillow and moved Liv's pillow to be next to her head, close enough that the brunette's scent wafted over her every time she breathed deeply.
She felt the hammering of her heart calm slightly, and with each inhale, her confidence returned anew. "I deserve this."
Amanda used one hand to spread her lips slightly and the other to slowly massage the wet flesh she found. Her gynecologist had once suggested she look at herself with a mirror, but the blonde never had any intentions of obliging. Besides, she thought to herself as her pointer finger grazed a particularly sensitive spot, this was supposed to be more fun anyway, right?
Deciding she had found her clit, the blonde moved her pointer finger lower down to what she discovered was her entrance. She shivered at the sensation but didn't know if it was a positive or negative reaction. This wasn't the most fun she'd ever had in her life, but she wasn't as uncomfortable as she imagined she'd be. Imagining Olivia's presence with her, it made sense to continue with her exploration as long as she still felt safe.
"I deserve this."
Thinking back to her own fairly progressive human sexuality class (something she had done online and certainly not in Georgia), she remembered learning that the majority of women weren't able to orgasm through penetration alone. Amanda found herself grateful that she had more than one option to experience pleasure. She knew she trusted Olivia with her life, and the more they explored each other, the more secure she'd feel with her, but she didn't know how quickly she'd be comfortable with feeling anything at all inside her body, including Liv's gentle fingers, and God, how they were gentle.
Realizing her own fingers were becoming damp at the mere thought of her girlfriend's tender touch, Amanda moved her pointer finger back up to what she recognized by touch as her clit. She felt her hips lift violently off the bed as she experienced a sensation that was definitely not pleasant.
This wasn't good news.
The blonde tried the maneuver once more, pressing down harshly on the tightly bound nerves, wincing when she felt pain.
No, no, no, no, no.
This couldn't be right. Olivia never said this would happen. No one said it would hurt. Had she done something wrong? Angry at herself, Amanda decided to chance the touch one more time, shaking out her hand first and taking a deep breath. "You deserve this," she said to herself pointedly, almost seeing it as a punishment for her failure.
Before her finger could make contact, the shrill sound of her phone ringing caused the blonde's body to become momentarily airborne.
Saved by the case, she thought. Saved by Fin, to be more exact. Amanda took a steadying breath. "Hey, Fin, what's up?" she asked, impressed by the nonchalance in her voice.
"Wanted to update you about the case, but first, Amanda, I need to apologize for what I said on Friday night."
"Oh, Fin, don't mention it." She meant it. She didn't want to talk about this rather sensitive subject right now. She needed to be distracted by the case.
"No, Rollins, I want to say sorry to you. It was inappropriate and out of line. Really, I'm sorry." Fin wasn't often this serious. He knew when things were "messed up" and wasn't afraid to call it out when he saw it, but the sincerity in his voice as he apologized to Amanda was almost disconcerting.
"Seriously, Fin, it's okay. I was already having a bad night. If you want to talk about it some more another time, we can, but right now, can you bring me up to speed with this NYU case?"
"Okay, so," Fin began, and Amanda sat fully up, stretching her tense muscles and readying herself to retain information. "Vic is nineteen-year-old Francesca Torres. She's a student at NYU. She disclosed to her RA, Patricia Sweeney. She called 911. Perp is twenty-two-year-old Justin Blake. We have him in custody. The story is he broke into her dorm room through the window. The roommate wasn't there."
Amanda was still rubbing tiredness from her eyes. "And the rape kit was positive?"
"Oh yeah," Fin replied. "You know the deal—Blake's claiming that it was consensual. Olivia's still working on the full story. She seems to be hiding something. Barba isn't pleased."
'Well, they always do, and he never is." She paused. "Thanks for the update, Fin. Do you need me to come in?"
"Nah, I think Olivia's got the interview for now. I'll let her talk to you when she gets home." Both detectives were silent for a moment. "I really am sorry, Rollins."
"I know, Fin. It's okay," she repeated. She'd much rather continue to talk about the case than do this. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay, Rollins. See ya."
After she hung up the phone, Amanda noticed that it was after noon. Had she been lying in bed willing herself to feel good for three hours? Honestly, she thought, that's kind of pathetic. As she was lamenting over the time, her phone rang again.
This time it was Liv. Amanda immediately began to feel better before she even answered the call. "Hey, Liv."
"Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?"
"I'm good," was Amanda's reply. She had decided not to share the details of her day just yet. She knew Olivia would be proud of her for trying, but the blonde still felt embarrassed that she couldn't quite figure anything out. "What about you? Fin called about the case."
"Yeah, I asked him to do that while I was finishing up with the vic."
"Did you also ask him to apologize to me?" the blonde asked suspiciously. "Cause he must have said the phrase 'I'm sorry' at least five times."
"I actually didn't even mention the situation to him at all. I figure it's your business and not my story to tell. If he would have brought it up, I would have just said it was inappropriate, but I figured he'd come to that conclusion on his own."
"Sounds like that's what happened," Amanda pointed out. "So how's the case? Fin said Francesca wasn't being forthcoming?"
"Yeah," Olivia confirmed. "At first not any more than usual. But then, she asked me if I'd ever been raped."
"Mhm."
"And I of course told her no. And then she refused to talk to me anymore. Said she wanted to talk to someone who 'got it.'
"Well, Fin told me you guys didn't need me today, but I can come in now," Amanda offered, standing up for the first time in several hours.
"I was just going to try again tomorrow since we've built some rapport. She just got discharged from the hospital, and I was hoping giving her a break would do the trick. With the rape kit, Barba has enough to arraign tomorrow. Carisi just got here. We're switching out, and I'm about to head home."
"I can talk to her tomorrow then," Amanda reasoned.
Olivia hesitated for a moment. "Are you sure you're up for that, love? It's been a tough few days."
Amanda sometimes hated how protective Olivia was of her, which made her feel pretty guilty. She knew how lucky she was to have someone in her life who cared for her as much as Liv did, but the brunette's obsessive checking in could be somewhat smothering at times.
The blonde kept her voice soft, but it was important that she got her point across. "You're forgetting that I'm a detective in the Special Victims Unit, Liv," she reminded her girlfriend. "I have a lot on my mind right now, but I can do my job."
"You're right, 'Manda, I'm sorry. I'll work more on following your lead and trusting your judgement. I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I know, babe. That's why I'm not upset. But I promise I can handle myself, and if I need a break, I'll tell you."
"All right then," Olivia concluded. "Have you eaten? Do you want me to pick us up some lunch?"
"No, I haven't eaten," Amanda admitted. "I've been, uh…sleeping." The blonde hated the lie, even though it was probably just a little white one. "Food would be great actually," she said, feeling her stomach rumble. "I'd appreciate it."
"Of course, sweetheart. Is Chinese okay?"
Amanda's stomach growled again. "Yes. Chinese sounds great."
"Awesome!" Amanda heard Olivia's car door unlock. "I'm heading out now." The brunette's door slammed. "Oh! And I have something to show you that could be useful for us."
"Is this gonna be like last time you had an idea about somethin' that could be useful for us?" she asked incredulously.
"We'll talk about it when I get home," Amanda assured. "And there's never any pressure," she added for good measure.
"Well, okay," Amanda conceded. "Drive safe. Love you."
"Love you too."
When Olivia arrived home about thirty minutes later, she carried two bags of Chinese food containers and a huge poster board, outlined with three columns labeled "Green", "Yellow", and "Red" at the top in the appropriate colors. Amanda got up to help with the bags.
"Uh, Liv, I hate to rain on your parade, but I already passed my driver's test."
Olivia chuckled lightly and gestured for Amanda to sit with her at the table, before moving the poster out of the way and serving them both plates of food.
"So, the poster's not for a road test," Olivia explained with a sly smile after a bite of Lo Mein. "It's more like driving on a rainbow toward a pot of gold."
"Oh, God, is that going to be our euphemism now? Saint Patrick's Day's gonna be ruined forever!"
Both women laughed for a moment. "Care to explain?" Amanda requested after some silence.
"Okay," Olivia said, pushing her plate of food out of the way and pulling the poster and some markers in front of her. "So, I had an old friend that's a sex therapist now."
"You mean girlfriend," Amanda accused, proud of herself for figuring it out. "I knew it. How many progressive human sexuality classes were there twenty-years-ago?"
"Are you calling me old?"
"You're not denying it," Amanda grinned, swirling her fork in the air before spearing a piece of orange chicken.
"Objection, Detective. This line of questioning is irrelevant."
"Goes to credibility," Amanda argued, pausing for a moment before concluding, "Sergeant."
Olivia busted into a fit of giggles, Amanda following soon after. They had almost forgotten what had started the conversation. Amanda especially wished they could be like this all the time. She longed to have discussions about sex and tease each other lightheartedly. She wished it were possible. "Hmm," Amanda sobered. "So, what were you saying about the lesbian sex therapist?" The blonde allowed herself to smile one more time.
Olivia smiled for a moment longer before launching the story behind the poster board. "So, yeah, we reconnected like five years ago, and she told me about this method she used with survivors in sex therapy- the 'Green, Yellow, Red' method to explore what types of touch they would and would not be comfortable with. So," she continued, taking out a sharpie and underlying the word "green", "the concept is pretty much the same as driving—"Green means go, yellow means slow, and red means—"
"No," the blonde said, happy with her rhyme.
"Yeah, or stop," Olivia finished for her. "So, what you and I would do is we'd put touches you feel pretty comfortable with under "green", touches that you are slightly uncomfortable with—or if it would depend on the context—under "yellow", and if it's a full-on no-go, then we'll put it under "red." And the idea is that we can practice these touches together, and hopefully we can keep the greens where they are, move the yellows to green, and eventually you may be comfortable moving some reds over to yellow." Amanda could tell Olivia was proud of herself and of her plan, and had put some time into remembering this strategy, and the blonde couldn't help but find it adorable and so quintessentially Olivia. Only her Liv would put this much effort into turning an uncomfortable conversation between the two of them into practically an art project. "So? What do you think?"
Amanda thought for a moment. "So…just to clarify…."
"Yeah?" Olivia was eager to answer the blonde's question.
"All of these touches….Am I assumin' that you're the one touching me?"
"Mhm, of course!"
"Not some random man on the street."
"No, of course not."
"Because that would change my placement of some things."
The brunette smiled. Amanda was clearly in good spirits about this. "So, you're okay with this?"
"Yeah, I'm totally okay with it. I'm pretty tired, so I don't really want to do much today, but what about we put one thing in each column for like a baseline?"
"Sure, I'm good with that," Olivia agreed, beginning to clear the table. "Let's just make sure we have room."
Once the women had the table cleared, they sat down together once more. Olivia grabbed the colorful poster board and centered it on the table before attempting to hand Amanda the sharpie. The blonde shook her head.
"Nuh uh, Doctor Benson, you're in charge." Amanda was nervous about this situation, but she felt comfortable with Olivia, and after the day she'd had, she was just grateful to be with her. "You write. I'd rather just think," she explained.
"Okay, sweets, close your eyes for me."
Instead of closing, Amanda's eyes grew wider. "You didn't tell me about this part!"
"I'm only going to have you close your eyes for the green part," Olivia promised. "I think it will help."
"Is this what the lesbian sex therapist did?" Amanda laughed, still trying to make a joke.
"I don't know what she did, and please be serious for a minute, 'Manda!" Olivia was trying not to laugh, but she couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry, this is just awkward and it's a coping mechanism," the blonde explained.
"I know, baby. Just take a deep breath. It's just you and me here. No one else is ever going to see this list. And we're only talking about three touches right now, just three. Okay?" Olivia reached out and squeezed Amanda's hand. "Now close your eyes, love." She waited for Amanda's eyes to slowly close before speaking. "Good. I'm not going to touch you during this because I don't want your mind to be distracted." She squeezed her hand one more time. "But I just want you to know I'm here. Listen to my voice, okay?" Amanda nodded.
"So, let's say you're laying in bed. You feel safe and warm. And I'm there and I'm touching you. How am I touching you?"
"Um…"
"Take your time."
"I'm thinking of a lot of things," Amanda admitted. "This is a good problem to have, I guess."
Olivia smiled even though she knew her girlfriend couldn't see it. "Yeah, it is. Just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind."
"You're uh…you're playing with my hair."
"Perfect. Okay, open your eyes. That was great baby." Olivia quickly wrote the word "hair" down in the first column under the word green.
Amanda giggled nervously as her eyes met her girlfriend's. "I'm sorry I'm makin' this awkward, Liv."
"I don't want you to feel sorry, Amanda," Olivia said softly. "I just want you to feel safe."
The blonde nodded. "Okay, yellow. Do you want me to picture you touching me in a way that makes me feel sort of uncomfortable?"
"Uh, let's not do that. This isn't supposed to give you anxiety. Just think about it for a second and let me know what you're thinking."
"Do you have any ideas? You know me pretty well."
"I want you to try to come up with something, honey, because it could be something we haven't done together yet. Does that make sense?"
"Mhm. Okay, I think I have somethin', but I don't know if this counts cause it's kind of specific."
Olivia nodded her head encouragingly. "The lesbian sex therapist said the more specific, the better."
Amanda chuckled again. She and Olivia both wished they didn't have to have this conversation, but if they did have to, at least they found a way to make it somewhat humorous. "So, my thought was it would make me a little uncomfortable if…like, if you were kissing me, but like, you were on top of me too. Y'know, I'd know I'm safe cause I'm with you and kissin' doesn't bother me, but if I felt like I was being held down—am I making any sense?" she asked Olivia, who had been nodding her head and writing the whole time the blonde was speaking.
"Yeah," Olivia breathed softly. "Thank you for sharing that. Maybe we could try different variations of it if that would feel safer for you. Okay, take a deep breath."
Amanda honestly had no idea what she was going to say for "red". There were almost as many options as green for her. She knew Olivia wouldn't let her get away with just saying "sex" at this point. Stupid lesbian sex therapist and her need for specific answers. "I'm guessing you want something sex related for this one?" Amanda asked anxiously.
"Well," Olivia thought, "if you can think of something non-sexual to put in the 'red' column, then I'm all ears. Unfortunately, that's not what tends to go there."
"The lesbian sex therapist sure knows her stuff," Amanda observed, knowingly delaying her answer. "What's her name?"
"Her name was Mindy, Staller McStallerpants," Olivia emphasized.
"Hmm. Sounds a lot like Mandy. You have a type?"
Olivia scoffed lightheartedly. "Yeah. Extremely beautiful, but stubborn as shit."
"A beautiful lesbian sex therapist. Huh. What happened there?"
"I'll remind you of my previous statement."
"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." Amanda was sincere. "I want to do this, I do. Just give me a minute."
"You can have all day, baby. I'm not trying to rush you. This is just an important conversation for us to have."
"I know, I know. Okay. Let me think."
Olivia watched as Amanda's eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Red" was the column that she was least looking forward to helping Amanda create. As she watched her girlfriend ponder her choices, the brunette knew she was considering the violence she'd endured, and she would have traded places with her in an instant if she could. The police sergeant never wanted to ask Amanda to go back to that hotel room with Chief Patton or to remember her previous relationships, but it was important to get a baseline on her hard limits.
Amanda sighed. "If I say penetration, is that enough?" It was something she had already thought about today. She figured she'd spare herself the extra time and effort if she could. Plus, there was something else she knew she needed to discuss with Olivia.
"Is that where you'd like to leave it for now, sweetie?"
Amanda nodded. "Yeah, I just, I wanted to ask you about somethin' else that kind of seems more relevant right now for me."
"Not about this?" Olivia asked, gesturing to the poster below them.
"No. Well kind of. I mean. Mm." She didn't know how to word it, but somehow Olivia's expectant and gentle gaze reminded her that she already had the word. They both did. "Well, it's about the rainbow."
A/N: This chapter was so much longer than I intended it to be. I hope you guys like it!