Something Good

Part 5: Involuntary

A/N: I am still appreciating your reviews so much, especially those of you who are reviewing every chapter. I notice, and I value you guys! (I value everyone who reads my writing)

I want to add an extra trigger warning for this chapter because we will see Olivia and Amanda at work, and SVU is SVU.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Olivia finally made it down the stairs the next morning at 7:15, less than thirty minutes before they needed to leave for work. Amanda had woken up first in a turn of events and had been standing at the kitchen window sipping coffee for several minutes, waiting for her girlfriend to descend the stairs. They were renting a small townhouse together, and they both enjoyed the homey feel of it.

Amanda heard the delicate pitter pattering of the sergeant climbing down the stairs and walking towards her, and though nothing was said aloud, the blonde knew exactly what Olivia was thinking. "Good mornin'," she greeted lightly, not turning her head from the hustle and bustle of the early morning city, hoping the words would suffice as an invitation for the brunette to approach her.

"Good morning to you," Olivia echoed, deciding to wrap Amanda in a hug from behind once sufficiently satisfied that the blonde was aware of her presence.

Amanda hummed at the contact, placing her mug down before interlacing her fingers with Olivia's. "This is definitely a green, just so you know."

Olivia pressed her lips to the crown of Amanda's head, breathing in her rose scented shampoo. "You're coming up with greens faster that I can write them down," she murmured into Amanda's hair.

The blonde chuckled. "Not my poster, not my problem."

Olivia gasped in feigned horror, gently turning Amanda around to face her. "Um, Detective Rollins," she teased, "I recall you writing on your poster with your yellow sharpie just yesterday evening."

"Damn," Amanda lamented, smiling softly and running her fingers down Olivia's arm before grabbing her hand, "busted."

Olivia smiled at her girlfriend's antics for a moment before pecking her lips quickly. "We can update the poster after work, okay?"

The blonde nodded. "I made you coffee by the way. Black, like your—" Amanda interrupted herself as Olivia walked towards the Keurig— "nah, I was gonna say 'black like your heart', but I can't even make that joke with you."

"Well, I do like my coffee black," Olivia offered.

"How can you even enjoy it like that?" Amanda questioned, picking up her drink, which was arguably mostly creamer. "Might as well just give it to ya in an IV."

"I'd agree to that any day," the older woman admitted, holding her mug up as if in a toast.

Both cops sipped their drinks in peaceful silence for a few minutes. Eventually, Amanda checked the time on her phone. "Are we going to the station first or to Francesca's house?"

Olivia shook her head in the negative. "Mm. Neither. Her parents are on vacation and don't want her staying alone in their house, so we're going to her dorm."

Amanda was perplexed, as evidenced in the furrowing of her brow. "Her…dorm? Where she was raped?"

The brunette shrugged. "You try explaining that to the Torreses, because God knows Fin and I did."

"Can we at least bring her to the station for a bit, Liv? Being in that dorm, barely twenty-four hours later, it has to be overwhelming at the very least."

"She's nineteen, so we don't need parental consent."

Amanda nodded, knowing the challenge that awaited them. "Just hers."

Both women discarded their coffee cups in the sink and headed towards the front door. Olivia reached into their front closet and produced two jackets. "Are you sure you're feeling up to this?" She couldn't stop herself from asking one more time.

"Interviewing a vic? What I do every day? Yeah, Liv, I'm feelin' up to this. Nothing's changed—this is still the job." Amanda sighed as two feuding voices bickered in her head. On one hand, the pure concern in Olivia's voice made her heart swell—she really loved her. And the blonde knew that the older woman couldn't control it; her worry was completely and absolutely involuntary. But on the other hand, she already had a girlfriend and a Sergeant—she didn't need a babysitter too. There was never going to be an opportunity for Amanda to prove she could do her job if no one let her try.

Olivia paused in front of the door for a moment. "Look, baby, I'm not trying to Mama Bear you—or whatever. I know I said I'd follow your lead and trust your judgement, and that's what I intend to do." At Amanda's unconvinced look, she continued. "Really, I mean it. I just can't control the worry, especially after what's happened in the past week. There's been a lot of processing, for both of us," she clarified, "but…but I trust you. You're a good cop and you know your limits. I just had to ask one more time."

"I know, Liv. And I'm so grateful for that." Amanda reveled in the physical intimacy that they were starting to be able to have consistently, and she hated that at work, it would have to be fairly minimal, so the blonde took a moment to wrap both arms around Olivia's neck, pleased when the brunette got the message and returned the gesture by placing her hands on the blonde's hips, squeezing lightly. "I know you're always going to worry, and there may always be reason to worry—we both know that's the nature of the healing process. But," she emphasized, fingering the stray wisps of hair at the nape of Olivia's neck, "I want you to take this as assurance that right now, in this moment, I feel good. And we'll just have to take everything else as it comes."

Liv smiled softly. "Alright. Let's go."

The two women took the short drive to Francesca's dorm, Olivia knocking gently on her door when they arrived. Amanda took a steadying breath, realizing she was feeling slightly nervous. She had hoped Olivia wouldn't notice the shaky rise and fall of her shoulders, but she knew it was too much to wish for. The brunette placed a steadying hand on Amanda's lower back, but only for a moment. The truth is the blonde was feeling more anxious about interviewing a victim than she had felt in a significant amount of time. Previously, when a survivor had asked Amanda if she understand what they were going through, she just casually swayed the conversation back in their direction. But based on what Olivia had shared, Francesca and Olivia had reached a stalemate.

Amanda would have to disclose.

After about a minute passed and neither women heard anything from behind the door, Olivia knocked once more. The brunette could empathize about why Francesca didn't want to let anyone inside her room. "Francesca, it's Olivia." A pause in which there was only silence. "I brought a friend to come talk."

Footsteps.

When the door opened, only a head revealed itself, and it said nothing. Amanda took in Francesca for the first time. The young woman, though only nineteen-years-old, possessed dark circles under her piercing eyes that added at least ten years of age to her looks. Her hair was disheveled and wet, like she had taken several showers and hadn't brushed it. Her pupils were dilated, and the whites of her eyes were bloodshot.

The blonde stepped slightly forward, but only enough to express that she was about to speak. "Francesca," she said softly. "My name is Amanda. I thought you and I could talk for a little while today."

The Hispanic woman opened her door slightly more, revealing her small frame and sock-cladded feet. "Chess," she corrected. She sniffed before continuing. "Are you—were you—"

Amanda nodded sadly, planting both her feet solidly on the ground as she began to feel somewhat nauseated. "Yes, Chess, I was. Do you think we can talk for a little while? Olivia said you wanted to speak to someone who understood."

Chess nodded, fully opening the door. "Do you want to come in?"

"Well, actually, Chess," Amanda began to ask, "do you wanna get out of here?"

The young woman nodded vehemently. "Please. Just let me put on shoes."

Olivia and Amanda both nodded, but it was the Sergeant who spoke. "Of course, Chess. Take your time."

Francesca cleared her throat and reentered her dorm room, closing the door behind her.

Amanda eyed Olivia for a moment. "You said she was hiding somethin'? She seems pretty straightforward to me."

Olivia shrugged. "If she stays that way, I'm not gonna complain." Francesca showed herself then, padding out of her dorm room and closing the door behind her. Olivia smiled softly. "You ready?"

She looked at Amanda and then back at Olivia. "Are you, are you coming with us?"

"Is that okay?" The oldest of the three asked.

Francesca nodded. "Where are we going?"

"Oh, I thought we'd grab some breakfast and go to the police station. There's a lounge that would be comfortable to talk in," Amanda offered as the three began to walk together towards the parking lot.

"But…is…is he?"

"No, Chess," Olivia confirmed. "He's not here. Justin is in jail, okay? You won't have to see him today."

"But I will…in court?"

Amanda stepped forward, keeping time with Francesca for a moment in order to say, "How about we take it one day at a time, yeah?"

Chess nodded. "Are you sure it's okay if I leave campus? I was supposed to have class today." She looked down for a moment, seemingly ashamed. "I wasn't going to go though."

Olivia let herself trail behind her girlfriend and Francesca, hoping the younger woman would feel more secure in talking if it was almost as if they were alone.

"Why not?" Amanda asked, hoping the open-ended question would help the girl speak freely.

"It's just so embarrassing. I mean, everyone is talking, and…." She trailed off.

"And what, Francesca?" The blonde gently pressed, hoping she would say something she had not previously revealed. According to Liv, Carisi, and Fin, Francesca had a pretty solid story, but after a few hours of interviewing, she had gone quiet and seemed unsure if her case was worth pursuing. The law enforcement officers all knew that it meant she was hiding something, but none of them had any idea what it was.

"Nothing." She feigned a smile.

When Amanda, Francesca, and Olivia made it to Olivia's car, the blonde opened the passenger side door for the youngest of them, before grabbing the keys from her girlfriend and occupying the driver's seat. Olivia was relegated to the back, but that's what she would have decided if given the choice.

"So, who has the best breakfast around her?" Amanda asked, putting the car in reverse.

They decided to go through the Starbucks drive-thru for ease and time's sake, Olivia opting for her second dark roast of the day and the other two women ordering breakfast sandwiches. After they'd arrived at the police station, Olivia led them up the stairs and into a rarely used lounge so that they would have privacy.

"I'm going to leave you two alone to talk," Olivia declared once they'd filed in. "Detective Rollins, you can call me on my cell if you need anything," the brunette said to Amanda, and by the pointed look she gave her girlfriend, the detective knew it was more than an invitation.

"Copy that, Sergeant," she acknowledged, and once Olivia had left the room, Amanda turned to Francesca. "Why don't you have a seat?"

The young girl sat at the edge of one of the chairs, Amanda following by sitting in a chair that was cattycorner to Francesca. The blonde wanted to face her without appearing confrontational.

"Do you want me to tell you the whole story again?" Chess asked after a tense silence.

Amanda leaned forward. "How about you tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me about?" The blonde had gotten the basics from the rest of the squad but wanted to hear as much as possible from Francesca herself. The truth of the matter was that she was a living, breathing, feeling crime scene and her story mattered.

Francesca nodded. "I felt a breeze first."

"A breeze," Amanda reflected. "What do you remember about it?"

The blonde watched as the survivor in front of her slowly closed her eyes. "It was cold. It's always cold in the dorms in the fall because it takes a few weeks for the heat to be turned on. But it was colder than usual. And that's what woke me up. And then—" Francesca swallowed hard. "Footsteps."

"You're doing great, Chess. This is really helpful. Tell me about the footsteps." Already, this was more than Liv and the others had gotten from her. She had quickly mentioned that he came in through the window, but Francesca was sharing the details now. She didn't know if it was because their shared survivor hood had afforded them instant rapport or for some other reason, but Amanda was glad the young woman felt comfortable sharing with her.

"Soft at first, and then louder. We had had a fight earlier in the day, so I thought he had come in to apologize. When we first started dating, he made a copy of Patricia's key, and the windows have the same locks as the doors. That's how he got in."

Normally Amanda interviewed survivors who didn't remember some aspect of their assault, and the SVU was searching for an unknown perp. At this point, the squad was focused on handing Barba a rock-solid case. "Do you remember what happened next?" The blonde knew that getting an accurate answer to that question wasn't always guaranteed with trauma survivors, but she usually chanced it once just in case.

"The bed creaked. He climbed onto my bed. I was scared that my roommate would hear him, but she was out. He whispered…he whispered in my ear…" Francesca stopped speaking for a minute, and Amanda could see tears streaming down her face. She grabbed a box of tissues from a table and went to sit next to her, offering her a tissue.

"Take your time, Chess, okay? One word at a time. Focus on one word at a time."

Chess wiped her nose with the tissue Amanda handed her. "He said he knew how I could make it up to him. You know, the fight?"

Amanda nodded. "Mhm."

"He put his hand in my underwear. I tried to stop him, but he held me down. He's really strong."

"Can you tell me, Chess, what did your body feel like?"

"Just…heavy. And hot. I went from being too cold to being too hot."

"Where were you hot?"

"Everywhere," Chess wailed.

"What did you feel after that?" Amanda questioned.

"It was just bad. Bad. He stopped using his hand and—" Francesca stopped short, ending her sentence bluntly in the middle.

Amanda leaned forward, meeting Chess's eyes, before gently coaxing, "You can tell me. I'm listening."

Francesca's eyes travelled down to her lap, and Amanda watches as she absently played with her own fingers. "He unbuttoned his jeans," she sniffled. "I remember how rough the fabric felt against my legs every time he—" Again, Chess cut herself off, this time practically launching herself into Amanda's arms. "I can't. I can't do this," she bawled.

Amanda allowed herself to hold the trembling girl, noting it had been a while since she had been on this side of the equation. "You already did, Chess," she praised. "You did it, and you did amazing. Listen," she implored as Francesca pulled away, looking embarrassed at her outburst. "I know, I know how hard this is. And you did it anyway. You are so strong. Never forget that."

The girl sniffled for a moment, gathering her composure. "Did I hurt the other detective's feelings?"

"Who? Olivia?"

"Francesca nodded.

"Why would you think that, sweetie?"

"Because, because I didn't want to talk to her," she revealed. "She was so nice, but she just didn't get it. She couldn't. And I could see it in your eyes when we were talking—you get it. And I just needed that. Thank you."

Amanda smiled, reaching out a hand to place it on Francesca's shoulder. "It's my job to listen, and I am so sorry this happened to you."

"Can I ask you a question?" she wondered after a minute of silence.

"Of course."

A blush formed on Francesca's cheeks. "When you—I mean, did you, did you climax?"

Realization settled over Amanda's features. This is what Francesca was hiding. This is why she wasn't sure it was worth it to press charges against her assailant. This was way she needed to talk to her and not Olivia. This was why.

Amanda opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly she noted she had no idea what to say. She had never had this particular conversation with a vic before. She knew Liv had, and she found herself pondering what she would do. She knew the speech Olivia would give survivors by heart about this. It was a no-brainer, an involuntary physiological response, but it was one that Amanda had absolutely no familiarity with; she didn't even know how it worked with consensual sexual contact. How the hell was she supposed to explain to a survivor, who's bodily autonomy was violently stolen from her, that even her own body had betrayed her?

Moreover, how was she supposed to answer Francesca's question? If the answer were yes, she'd be more easily able to explain what she longed to tell the younger woman, but of course the answer was not yes, and a lie would be counterproductive. If the answer were no, which it was, she was basically saying that her own rape was more "legitimate" than Francesca's, even if it weren't her intention.

Eventually Amanda decided to answer a question with another question, effectively ignoring what she wanted to know. "Chess, are you telling me that you did?"

"Is that…is that normal? I mean, does that mean that I wanted it, deep down or something?"

Amanda shook her head vehemently. "No, Francesca. It doesn't mean that at all. You were attacked and your body did whatever it could to cope, to survive."

"So, it happens?" Chess asked in confirmation.

"It's more common than you think," the blonde assured. "It's involuntary, and it's an example of a phenomenon called arousal non-concordance," Amanda articulated. She wasn't sure why she decided to go into detail about this, but she knew that this whole situation bothered her. "It's basically when what you want and what your body does aren't correlated at all. So, sometimes victims of sexual violence climax and sometimes people who enthusiastically consent to sexual contact…don't. It has nothing to do with what someone wants or doesn't want, and I want you to know, Chess, it means nothing for your case."

"What if Justin tells his lawyer and he askes me about it during the trial?" Francesca panicked.

"Is that why you didn't want to tell anyone?" she hinted.

"I guess I just figured the less people that know, the better. But then I realized, I don't know what to say if they tell me I wanted it, if they say they have evidence."

Amanda nodded. "You tell them the truth, Chess. You tell them that you have evidence too."

Francesca nodded. "Is he getting released from jail today?"

"Well, today, he's getting arraigned," Amanda explained. "Which means the judge is gonna to tell him what he's being charged with—rape in the first degree—and the lawyers will negotiate bail. Our ADA, Barba, who you met yesterday, is going to argue that your safety will be at risk if he is released." She sighed. "The process is…complicated, but we're gonna to walk you through this. You just have to do your best to be as honest as possible. And I know that's hard sometimes. Sometimes you literally can't remember what happened, you just know it was…bad," she finished after struggling for words. "Other times you feel so ashamed, you think you'll die if you say what he did to you out loud. I've been there. So, I promise, Chess. You can tell me anythin'."

Chess took a shaky breath. "So, what I told you today…"

"It was the right thing to do. Now we're more prepared for the trial." Amanda's heart ached for the woman who sat next to her. The empathy was nearly overwhelming, but she focused her attention towards using it for good.

"So, other people have to know?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll do my best to keep it close," was all she could offer. "I don't know how much background you have about how these trials work, but trust me—the more our ADA knows, the better."

Francesca let herself smile halfheartedly. "I do trust you. So," she continued after a moment, "I guess, it's time to go back to my dorm, huh?"

"About that," Amanda remarked, standing up. "What do you think about us puttin' you up in a hotel for a few nights? Just so you can get your bearings."

"Oh, I could never ask you to do that," the girl lamented, looking down after taking Amanda's lead and standing up as well.

"Hey," the detective soothed, placing a hand on Francesca's back. "You're not asking. We're offerin'."

Chess relented. "If you're sure."

"Absolutely."

A few hours later, after Francesca had been set up at a hotel near the police station, Olivia and Amanda drove together towards their apartment. "Have you talked to Barba? How did the arraignment go?" the blonde asked.

Olivia sighed. "He tried for remand."

"He always does. What did he get?"

"20k and an ankle monitor."

"How well off is Blake? Do you think he'll make bail?" Amanda asked after a disheartened shake of her head.

"Don't know," Olivia conceded, reaching out to take Amanda's hand on the center console, squeezing lightly. "Barba knows to call me immediately if he does. I'll stake out his house if I have to."

"We all will."

"You two seemed like you hit it off," Liv observed.

"Yeah," Amanda replied, letting go of Olivia's hand and resting it in her own lap. "She…um…she told me the reason she thought the trial wasn't worth it."

"Oh?" the sergeant inquired, turning her head slightly to look at her girlfriend as she pulled into their subdivision.

"Yeah, she um, she orgasmed."

Olivia pulled into a parking spot in front of their home, put the car in park, and pulled out the key. The brunette knew this must have been a difficult conversation for her girlfriend. "What did you say?"

"At first I didn't know what to say," Amanda admitted. "You always have the right thing to say, Liv, and I was sitting there blabbering like an idiot about arousal non-concordance.

"I didn't know you knew the term 'arousal non-concordance'."

"Yeah, well when I joined the squad, I wanted to be you, so I did my own research. But the point is you're so natural with survivors. And I just sound like a semi-compassionate nerd." She sighed, unbuckling her seatbelt. Olivia did the same. Amanda reached up to rub her eyes, something she did in response to stress. "And the whole situation just frustrated me because if orgasm is supposed to be this amazing thing that is the result of enormous pleasure-then why the hell did this happen to her? Why does she have to feel so dirty and so invalidated? Is this something even worth chasing for me? And now I sound like a selfish ass, who's responding to someone else's extremely traumatic event with thoughts about how it applies to me."

Olivia turned to her girlfriend, smiling softly at her with a level of compassion that almost made the blonde squirm in the passenger seat. "Amanda you work with survivors and you're a survivor. You can't expect to be completely unaffected. And just so you know, I would have told her the same thing. When everyone is making assumptions about your experience based on subjective information, facts can be incredibly comforting. Which you know. Baby, I think you're second-guessing yourself because of your own relationship with arousal. And that's also involuntary. Right? It's all about association in your brain, and you can't control that. After you two talked," Olivia assured, "Francesca seemed lighter. You did that. I've been doing this for twenty years, and I'll never be able to empathize with survivors the way you can. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish your qualifications ended at 'dedicated and compassionate detective with several years' experience', but as much as I wish I could change it, the cards you were dealt are different. Amanda, it doesn't make you a less compassionate cop, it makes you better. That girl is lucky to have you."

Amanda nodded. "I just wanted to tell you because I didn't want to take it home."

"I get it," Olivia understood. "Are you ready to go inside now?"

Once Amanda established that she was indeed ready to go inside, the two entered their townhouse together. "We had stuff to add to the poster, right?" Amanda questioned.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You're not even going to give yourself five minutes to breathe?" she puzzled, following an unstoppable Amanda into their bedroom, finding her unravelling the poster and frantically rummaging through her bedside drawer for markers.

"Yeah, I just feel like I need something to do," she stammered, waving her hands in the air for additional expression. "And it's on my mind, so…."

"Okay," Olivia agreed. "Let's just take a breath first," she implored softly, sitting at the edge of their bed.

Every feature on Amanda's face dropped. "I'm sorry, Liv. I don't mean to put you through this."

Liv shook her head. "Hey, come here, sit down," she gestured to the space next to her. Amanda came to sit with her girlfriend, and Olivia wrapped one arm around her waist, reaching out for her hand with the other. "You're not putting me through anything, sweetheart," she reassured. "I'm literally just trying to remind you to breathe."

"Well, breathing is involuntary so I'm not gonna forget."

"Only partially so," Liv corrected gently, "and I don't want you passing out to prove a point."

Amanda laughed almost maniacally. "That is something I would do, isn't it?" She reached both hands up to cover her face, sighing loudly for a moment. "I'm spinnin'," she acknowledged.

"Mhm," Olivia concurred. "I'm happy to work on the poster with you, but I'm not sure you're in the right mental space to do so."

"You're right, Liv. I can barely think straight right now. I didn't think today would be so overwhelming."

Olivia nodded, placing a comforting hand on Amanda's thigh and moving it slowly up and down. "That's understandable. What can I do for you?"

Amanda shrugged. "I'm not sure. I guess I'm the queen of not knowing what I need, huh?"

Olivia chose not to delve into Amanda's question, deciding it would likely spur her on. "Just close your eyes and think about it for a second. You don't have to automatically know as long as you can figure it out, and I bet you can. I'm right here."

"Well, I haven't been sleeping so well lately."

Olivia nodded. "A nap? You need a nap?"

"With you," Amanda clarified. "Can we lie down and just be together?"

The sergeant smiled, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of blonde hair behind Amanda's ear. "Always. Thank you for asking."

A/N: I hope you guys liked this chapter!

By the way, what inspired the events of the chapter was a Ted Talk I watched last years that seriously changed the way I look at sex and sexual assault, as well as many other things. It honestly changed my life. I hope it's impactful for you too! watch?v=L-q-tSHo9Ho&t=788s

Also, I know it's been longer than usual since I've updated, and I have to leave the house in twenty minutes, so I didn't proofread this chapter very well. If I find something really bad, I'll fix it later. Thanks guys!