Something Good

by elphiemolizbethbau

After several months of dating, Amanda feels compelled to finally address how being a survivor is affecting her and Olivia's physical relationship. The two take the time to have a conversation that will help guide them into a journey of exploring more intimacy and feeling safe with one another. TRIGGER WARNING. FEMSLASH. Multi-chapter PWP.

9. Pot of Gold

Something Good

Part 9: Pot of Gold

A/N: Here we go ? If you haven't reviewed yet, please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story, as well as any suggestions you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

I'm honestly nervous to post this, so any feedback would be much appreciated with this chapter. My heart is beating quickly as I'm making final edits. This one is so, so powerful.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

"Hey, Liv." Fin approached Olivia in the squad room. "What are you guys doing tomorrow for your anniversary?"

Olivia shrugged, pleased to have a distraction from the paperwork that sat in front of her on Amanda's vacant desk. "We'll probably get dinner or something. We haven't talked about it much yet."

"Oh, c'mon, Liv, you and Amanda have been dating for a year!" SVU's senior detective was not satisfied with the brunette's answer, and though he had learned to have more tact when it came to conversations regarding Olivia and Amanda, he wasn't going to hide that he was invested in the couple. "Carisi and I talked about it. We need to have a party or something."

The sergeant chuckled. Clearly Fin had not spent enough quality time with Amanda lately. "You think Amanda wants to have a party? On Valentine's Day, I couldn't even get her to go out to dinner."

"Okay, fine." Fin was prepared to negotiate. "How about tomorrow, you guys do"—Olivia raised her eyebrows in warning, and Fin hesitated before continuing—"whatever you do, and then on Saturday, we can have a small celebration. I'll invite Barba, and we can come to your apartment if you want, so Amanda doesn't even have to go anywhere."

It was a convincing sell, but it wasn't only Olivia's decision. The sergeant knew better than to decide to have a party unilaterally. Of course she would consult Amanda. "I'll ask her," Olivia conceded, "but I can't make any promises." She walked towards the lounge area where she figured her girlfriend would be, but not before patting her friend on the shoulder. "Thanks for the offer, Fin."

Amanda was found stirring a seemingly freshly brewed cup of coffee, and Olivia wordlessly followed suit, brewing some dark roast and drinking it black as usual. The brunette eventually smirked at her girlfriend, who still hadn't noticed her because she was lost in thought. "You enjoying your coffee creamer?"

The detective weakly concealed a small jump at the sudden sound that brought her out of her reverie, before turning to Olivia with a slightly amused grimace. "Are you enjoyin' your rocket fuel?" she countered, adding a smirk at the end of the point.

The older woman smiled into her mug. "You just looked so enthralled by the vanilla creamer. I wanted to know if I had anything to worry about."

Jokes. Olivia was making jokes about their relationship now. Did this mean she was getting more comfortable as well?

"Ha ha." Amanda took the few steps remaining between her and her girlfriend, and kissed her cheek once she determined they were the only two in the room. "You should be a comedienne."

"Wow," Liv stressed with a beaming smile. "First a Girl Scout, now a comedienne. You really are obsessed with me."

Olivia wasn't saying anything either of them didn't already know.

The blonde settled against the cabinets lining the lounge, letting her elbow gently brush Olivia's every time one of them drank from their mug. "You're in a good mood," she observed after a moment, lying her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. She craved the contact after spending upwards of thirty minutes alone in the lounge, stirring creamer and sugar into coffee, spinning the mug's contents in circles similarly to the activity going on in her brain. Her drink had become lukewarm now, but she didn't mind it much.

"Well," the brunette mused, leaning her head to the side and allowing it to touch Amanda's, "I'm at work, doing what I love with the people I love. Life is good."

Amanda smiled with a small sigh. "Life is good," she agreed.

"So," Olivia began, lifting her head after a moment, "Fin wants to have an anniversary party for us. Said we could do it at the apartment if you don't want to go out."

Amanda shook her head with a light laugh. "That man knows me so well. Sure, why not?"

The sergeant's brow furrowed. "Really?"

"Were you counting on me sayin' no?" the blonde accused.

"Maybe a little," Liv confessed. "But I still think it'll be fun. Fin even suggested Saturday, that way we can do dinner tomorrow, just the two of us. The boys love us, and they just want to celebrate something."

"I definitely understand that urge." Amanda hesitated to continue speaking, instead thinking for quite some time. The more joy that these cops crammed into their lives, the better. It was the only way to tip the scales in the positive direction after the things they saw at work every day. "Actually, at the risk of turnin' our anniversary into a whole weekend, can we go out tonight so we can stay in tomorrow?"

Olivia nodded, momentarily puzzled, before making an effort to brush it off. "Yeah, okay, sure." Amanda wasn't one to stretch out anything that would bring her attention, but it was clear she had already put some thought into this plan. The older woman recalled how lost in her own mind her girlfriend had seemed when she first entered the lounge. "What were you thinking about before, love?" she asked softly.

"Oh, just…stuff," she played off, attempting to be nonchalant.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia invited with care, a dull ache taking up residence in her chest as she feared that Amanda was suddenly hiding something from her.

"No, I'm good, Liv, I promise," she quickly assured, putting her coffee mug in the sink. "C'mon, I gotta be in court."

Amanda managed to not speak to Olivia about anything that wasn't directly related to work for the rest of the day. But when it came time for them to go out for their anniversary dinner, the blonde knew she wouldn't be able to avoid her incredibly observant girlfriend for much longer. There was something she wanted to talk about, but her nerves were getting the best of her.

"Hey! You ready for dinner?" Amanda asked, knocking on Olivia's open office door. The sergeant had recently moved from a desk in the squad room into her own office.

"Yeah! Just one second, love. You can come in and sit if you want."

Amanda anxiously entered the office, closing the door behind her, before sitting in the chair across from Olivia's. The brunette heard her take in a shaky breath and decided to begin a conversation, still typing on the keyboard in front of her, hoping the distraction would calm her until they were in an appropriate context to discuss what was going on. "How was testifying in the Ali Petersen case?"

"Oh, it was okay. The jury seemed moved by the outcry, and cross-ex wasn't too bad. Summations were this afternoon. I think Barba is winning, but we'll have to see." The blonde's leg bounced as she spoke, and her fingers fidgeted in uncertain agitation.

"Hmm." Olivia looked up for the first time, and she couldn't help herself any longer, taking off her reading glasses and sighing. How long was the blonde going to keep up this façade? "Are you okay, Amanda?"

At first, she nodded, but when Liv kept looking at her, her dark eyes drowning in concern, the detective faltered. "No."

Olivia logged out of her computer and stood up, walking around to sit in the chair next to Amanda and turning it slightly to further face her. The younger woman's heart melted when her girlfriend's voice did that whisper thing that it always did when she was particularly emotional. "Tell me what's going on, love."

"I…"

The sergeant tilted her head shallowly in anticipation. "It's okay."

"There's, uh, somethin' I wanted to ask you about, and for some reason, I've been nervous about it." Amanda's leg continued to bounce restlessly, and the sergeant noticed her chewing on her bottom lip.

Olivia had hoped that once she opened the lines of communication, Amanda's anxious tics would abate some, but it didn't seem like that was happening, and the older woman was utterly confused. "Sweetheart, you're here with me. There isn't anything you can't talk to me about."

"I know. I'm—" Amanda went to say "I'm sorry" but stopped herself. "I wanted to ask you about tomorrow, and about maybe trying to have sex again."

Was that all? "Oh, baby, why are you nervous to ask me about that?"

"I don't know." As soon as Olivia saw Amanda's lower lip begin to quiver, she stood up, moving to the door of her office, making sure it was locked and closing the blinds to ensure they would have privacy.

She made her way back to her desk, this time sitting on top of the furniture, closer to Amanda than she was before. The blonde was looking down at her hands, tears beginning to silently fall from her eyes. The younger woman didn't even know why she was crying. She hadn't been upset, just slightly anxious, so what had changed?

"I think it's just overwhelming," was what she eventually came up with. "The last few months have been…a lot, and as we get closer and closer…." Amanda trailed off, deciding Olivia could figure out the rest. The brunette reached out a hand towards her girlfriend, encouraging her to continue, and Amanda accepted the offer with a tearful smile. "It's all very intense. I'm not used to feelin' this much, in any capacity."

Olivia nodded. "You know," she started, giving Amanda's hand another squeeze, "leaping into the unknown can be very scary, and I think being a little uncomfortable in this situation is probably normal."

"You think so?" Amanda laid her head in Olivia's lap, allowing tears to continue to fall. She was afraid that the older woman was going to be upset with her for holding her anxiety in, but the brunette was clearly relieved that Amanda had ultimately decided to confide in her.

"I do think so." Olivia rested her free hand on Amanda's cheek, brushing tear-soaked hair behind her ear so that she could see her better. Eventually, they re-established eye contact, and Amanda sniffed.

"I'm sorry I pretended to be okay," she mumbled into Olivia's slacks, turning her head and averting her gaze. "I know how important honesty is, and I really fucked up today."

The blonde felt Olivia shift on her desk, gently guiding Amanda's head off of her lap, before standing up and returning to the seat she was in before. The younger woman waited expectantly as Olivia's eyes, brimming with unshed tears of their own, bore into hers. "'Manda, I'd be lying if I told you it doesn't hurt to be shut out. But I also know that your default is handling things on your own. It's what you're used to, what you've done your whole life. I've known you for more than four years, but I haven't truly known you for that long, and I know that's not an accident. It's always been dangerous to let people in, so you put up a dam—a wall—between yourself and everyone else because it's the only way you've been able to stay safe. You didn't fuck up today. You were feeling anxious, and you reverted back to your old ways. Being vulnerable with me is hard work for you, and it makes sense that feeling all the intensity of the last few months would bring back the urge to hide, and that me asking you about it made you cry. You hold so much tension in your body, it's no wonder you're so easily overwhelmed these days. We've broken the dam," she concluded, lifting Amanda's chin to be sure their eyes met, "but it's going to take some time to let all the water flow through."

The detective sighed shakily, knowing that Olivia's words made sense, but she was still feeling unsure of what she should do next. "I want to have sex tomorrow, but if I'm having a hard time with this conversation, am I really ready to go all the way?"

Olivia smiled gently at her girlfriend, letting her fingers caress a blushed cheek softly for a moment. "I can't answer that for you, love, but when you decide what the answer is, I'm here. You aren't alone anymore, Amanda. It'll help if you can remember that."

Is wasn't that Amanda often forgot; Liv was at her heels in a literal sense practically 24/7. But it was still hard for the blonde to justify asking for help when she could probably handle something on her own. The last thing she wanted was to be a burden. But she also knew that Olivia wouldn't be inviting her to discuss these things if she wasn't more than happy to be involved. Olivia was one of those people who knew their boundaries, and always demanded they be respected, so of course she genuinely wanted to be there for her girlfriend if she was offering. It didn't make the situation less awkward for Amanda, but it did make it less scary, and she needed assistance in determining their next course of action. No one knew the detective better than Olivia did. "Can you help me find out the answer?"

Olivia thought for a minute, taking in the vulnerability that Amanda was painstakingly giving to her. "We probably shouldn't decide today that we are having sex tomorrow. If you decide you're not ready, it's important that you always know you have a way out. We can't just commit."

Right. That made sense. Why did Olivia always have to make so much sense? "Okay, but can we decide if we're tentatively planning on tryin' again tomorrow?"

"Sure," the sergeant replied with one last stroke of her thumb across Amanda's cheek. "Do you want to try again tomorrow?"

The blonde almost laughed at the simplicity of the question. "God, yes. So much. Please." It wasn't the most eloquent speech Amanda had ever given, but they were the words she was able to put together. When Olivia didn't say anything else, the detective felt compelled to ask, "I mean, do you—do you want to?"

Olivia realized that her silence had made her girlfriend assume she wasn't enthused by the prospect. "Of course, baby. Of course I do. Please don't think my hesitation means that I don't. I just don't want you to feel pressured, or—"

"Okay, Liv," Amanda interrupted her, planting both hands on either of her shoulders, "you need to know that I've never felt any pressure from you. Okay? Not once, I promise."

Olivia nodded, relieved. "Okay."

Amanda considered adding something else for a moment, and Olivia could see the uncertainty in her eyes. "What is it, love?"

"Well," she hesitated, "one of the things that has been botherin' me is that…" She trailed off, but Olivia's encouraging eyes drove her to continue. "Sometimes I worry that you don't want me as much as I want you."

Olivia was dumbfounded. It hadn't even occurred to her that her plan to slowly guide Amanda into more physical intimacy would come across this way. "What?"

"I know it's ridiculous," was Amanda's immediate disclaimer, and Olivia allowed her to keep speaking in order to encourage her to share, even though she wanted to interject. "And it's irrational. And it's just because I'm not used to this much patience. The only way I could have gone this long without sex before is if the guy wasn't all that attracted to me. I'm still havin' a hard time escaping that reality in my mind. I know we've waited a whole year because you love me, but I just needed to be sure."

"You need to hear that I'm attracted to you? That I want you?"

Amanda nodded. "Is that pathetic?"

The older woman shook her head with a gentle smile. "Not at all," Olivia assured her, leaning in towards her girlfriend, before kissing Amanda's forehead, her nose, and finally her lips.

The blonde had not expected Olivia to kiss her this fervently at work. Sure, nobody could see them, but the sergeant was usually a stickler about professionalism, especially in the precinct when they weren't alone. But that was exactly the point. Olivia was telling her that the love and desire she had for Amanda was so powerful that she no longer cared about where they were. The younger woman needed to feel wanted, and Olivia would always give her what she needed.

Amanda felt Olivia's hand tangle in her hair. It occurred to her that when she left the office she would look like a total mess, but she decided to cast the thought aside for the time being in order to fully appreciate the moment. It was almost a minute later that Olivia pulled back, resting her forehead against the detective's, both women recovering breathlessly.

"What do you think now?" she whispered after a moment.

Amanda offered a shy but pleased smile. "I think you wanna jump my bones right here in this office."

Liv chuckled, and pressed her lips to Amanda's once more only for a moment. "If you ever need me to say it verbally, please tell me. I don't want you to feel unloved or unwanted ever again, and I'll remind you every day for the rest of my life if I have to."

The younger woman was feeling a lot better, and so she bobbed her head up and down, communicating understanding. "So," she started after a moment, "tentatively planning for tomorrow?"

Olivia smiled widely. "I would absolutely love that. Do you want to get out of here now and get some food?"

Amanda nodded, sighing softly as Olivia stood up to grab her things, and then she remembered the state she was currently in. "Fuck, Liv, I've been cryin'. Fin and Sonny are gonna notice."

"Hey, take a deep breath." Olivia paused in her mission to gather her belongings in order to turn her attention back to Amanda. "If you're worried about it, I can grab some baby wipes from the bathroom before we go, but I don't think they'll pry, especially if they can see that I'm with you."

The blonde wanted so badly to just tell Olivia that it was okay and to just walk out of her office together. She wanted desperately to show her that she wasn't ashamed of her emotions, but she simply wasn't there yet. She wasn't ready for questions, particularly because there wasn't a cut and dry answer to why she had been crying to begin with. She was in a good place. She had Olivia, and they were headed in the right direction. They were about to celebrate the first anniversary of the day they had begun dating, and she felt the most secure—physically and emotionally—she had ever felt in a relationship. In simple terms, she was happy, but it was the intensity of the journey to get there that overwhelmed her. It was too much to explain to the boys, so the younger woman took Olivia up on her offer to gather some wipes.

Dinner went on without a hitch, and each woman happily enjoyed being in the company of the other. Olivia decided not to broach the topic of the next day again, but she did let herself hold Amanda's hand as they sat together, she did chance a few longing looks from across the table, and she did remind herself that Amanda wanted to feel wanted. Amanda gave herself permission to relax a little, which was hard at first, but eventually she told her anxiety to take a hike, and to her own surprise, the assertiveness in her attitude actually had somewhat of an effect. She had lost so much time already; she wasn't going to miss out on her and Olivia's first anniversary dinner too.

The next morning, Amanda rolled over in bed, noticing it was chilly just as the Manhattan sky became painted with the vivid colors of sunrise. The blonde sighed anxiously, deciding in favor of silently getting out of bed in order to give Olivia some more time to sleep. Her day began in a rainbow-would it end in one too?

A few hours later, the sergeant came slowly down the stairs to find Amanda staring out of their window. "You do that a lot these days," she commented, walking towards her girlfriend.

Amanda smiled at the voice, turning her head momentarily to see her girlfriend entering her field of vision. "Coffee's by the Keurig, babe."

Instead of making her way towards what she often saw as an oasis in the desert of exhaustion, she approached Amanda, placing both hands on two bare shoulders and squeezing lightly. "You're still pretty tense," she observed quietly, squeezing again when the younger woman melted into the touch.

"My normal," she shrugged, before attempting to turn around. "You know, you really don't have to do that, Liv."

The brunette gently blocked the movement by squeezing the skin beneath her fingertips again. "I know, love. I want to. It's okay to let me do this for you."

Amanda nodded, exhaling heavily. "You don't want coffee?" she asked eventually.

Olivia pressed her lips to the nape of her girlfriend's neck before murmuring, "Not as much as I want this."

The blonde sighed, taking a moment to savor the feeling of Olivia gently massaging sore muscles. "Why are you so good at that?"

The older woman shrugged. "I'm just listening to your body and responding to what I notice."

Amanda was quiet for a minute, thinking about nothing in particular. She was content to just be present with Olivia, which meant she'd come a long way in the past year of their relationship. There was a security there, a safety, and she didn't feel like she had to do anything. Just being was enough. "Do you remember the first time we kissed?"

The question came seemingly out of nowhere, Olivia smiled at the memory, quickly kissing a cool cheek. The blonde must have been standing by the window for hours for her face to become that cold. "How could I forget?"

Amanda turned around, finding it important that her girlfriend see her face when she shared her next thought. "You looked at me with those eyes, Liv, and you asked for my permission. It completely shattered my existence, something so small…. I registered feelin' safe for the first time in my entire life, and I just knew, I knew I was in for something good."

Olivia hummed softly, reaching out to rub an arm that was littered with goose bumps. Amanda didn't consciously feel cold, so she didn't mind the chill of the draft coming in through the marginally open window. She knew her girlfriend appreciated her words, and the detective wanted so desperately for Liv to understand what her patience and love had done for her. "Speaking of something good," Olivia said after some comfortable silence, "I wanted to check in and see how you're feeling about today."

Amanda knew the older woman was being more specific than simply referring to their anniversary, and she was grateful to her for bringing it up. "I mean, I'm still scared, but I do want to try."

The sergeant thought about it for a second, and though it seemed like Amanda had made her decision, she longed to make it easier for her. She didn't think it was possible to go into it with Amanda having no hesitation, and she understood why that was, but she did want her girlfriend to be as confident and feel as safe as possible. "Have you put any more thought into what it is that scares you? Is it because you've never experienced it before? Is it the vulnerability-you're afraid of letting go?"

The blonde lifted both hands to rub at the tiredness in her eyes. She wished they could be done with this conversation, and she wished she didn't have to consider the reasons for her anxiety. There weren't any real reasons anymore, she decided. That's why the irrationality of it was so frustrating. "All of the above." Olivia nodded, reaching for both of Amanda's hands so that they could look at each other.

"'Manda," Olivia began solemnly, and the younger woman could tell by the tone of her voice what she was going to say. That they should wait, that she probably wasn't ready, that especially because she was a survivor, not green automatically meant red. But Amanda was done with just surviving.

She was ready to live.

"No," she interrupted Olivia, and the authority she spoke with stunned the sergeant into silence. "I'm tired of letting my fears dictate my entire existence. Liv, you and I both know that being brave doesn't mean I'm not afraid. It means I am afraid, but I do it anyway. I'm takin' back my power…today. And I promise you that I will tell you if I change my mind, but as of now, baby, if you're still in, I'm still in."

The sergeant had never seen Amanda use such assertiveness in expressing what she wanted, and pride was an understatement for what she felt for her girlfriend in that moment. She leaned her forehead into Amanda's, allowing her watery eyes to look into the blonde's trusting pools of blue, and then whispered, her voice breaking, "I'm still in."

Amanda nodded against Liv's forehead as she felt her hand come to rest over her cheek, a careful thumb stroking delicately. "Thank you."

Olivia smiled tearfully at the phrase, deciding not to reject the gratitude. "You are so, so welcome."

The couple took another moment to just be, which Amanda was learning to enjoy more and more these days. The blonde had spent all her life worrying about what she was going to do next, worrying about what she needed to do for other people, worrying about what she was missing out on. It was such a relief to her to allow herself to just be in the here and now, and though she often found her mind wandering even when she would rather it didn't, she couldn't ignore the strides she had made.

Even thinking about this caused her to leave the present moment with Olivia, which she noticed, so the sergeant decided to speak in order to reel her back in. "So, I have some good news. Fin called."

Amanda was happy to return to the kitchen with Olivia. "Yeah?"

"He said the jury came back in less than an hour," the older woman reported, deciding to wrap both arms around Amanda's waist in order to prolong the contact, "and their guilty verdict was due largely to your testimony."

Olivia could feel the relief in Amanda's body as she exhaled. "Really?"

"Mhm. He also said that he and Carisi have it covered today so we can spend the day at home."

"Wow," Amanda laughed. "He must really want me to get laid."

Olivia pressed her lips to Amanda's quickly, before letting them linger at the blonde's ear. "Well," she whispered, smiling as she felt a shiver run through her girlfriend's body, "so do I."

"Sergeant Benson," Amanda gasped, "what a change in you!"

She laughed with Amanda for a moment, and then her face sobered. "I'm so sorry you were afraid I didn't want you."

Amanda shook her head, stressing that this wasn't Olivia's fault. She didn't want her blaming herself for being careful. "You were taking care of me. I should have asked sooner."

"No," the older woman disagreed, "I should have been more clear about what I was doing from the beginning."

The blonde reached up to softly caress an olive-toned cheek, deciding that arguing about this with Liv would probably ruin the mood of the day. If they thought about it hard enough, Amanda was sure they could both find things in their relationship that they could have done better, but the detective especially was still learning, and she wanted Olivia to give herself the same grace that she afforded her. Her girlfriend had taught her the basics of self-compassion and the importance of being gentle and generous with yourself, but she tended to be something of a hypocrite when it came to practicing self-love, and Amanda wanted to remind her that she didn't have to be perfect in order to deserve tenderness. "It's okay. I'm just glad we get to figure this out together."

Liv kept one arm around Amanda's waist, and moved the hand of the other to encase the back of her head, bringing her lips to her forehead and then her nose. "Me too."

Amanda wrapped both arms around Olivia's neck, tangling still semi-awkward fingers into chestnut locks in order to keep her close. "Can we go back to bed?"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? It's only ten in the morning."

The younger woman chuckled at her girlfriend's assumption, giving way to a yawn. "No, literally, I'm exhausted. Can we please go back to sleep?"

"Yes, of course. I'm not so tired, but I'm happy to lie with you for a little while."

"I can live with that."

As Amanda napped, Olivia watched over her. Her gentle breathing was a comfort, as was the peaceful expression worn on her face as she slept. The sergeant smiled softly at her slightly twitching eyelids, something Olivia had learned was a dead giveaway that the blonde was dreaming comfortably. The older woman had never taken it upon herself to watch a girlfriend sleep, and she certainly had never been so completely enthralled by it before. But watching Amanda sleeping securely next to her was like seeing a piece of her heart enveloped in warmth and peace. It was how she had always pictured home. Liv had never felt at home before. Though she had loved her mother fiercely, they never had the type of relationship they were supposed to have. She knew Amanda had a different but still comparable experience, and though she hadn't considered it before, perhaps it was their mutual loneliness and longing for connection that created the kind of friendship that was capable of turning into love.

Eventually Amanda stirred, and Olivia stayed quiet in case she wanted to stay asleep. In no time at all though, her eyes opened, and she inched closer to Olivia.

The older woman glanced at her cellphone. "Before you ask, it's almost two p.m."

Amanda hummed. "Why do you think I always want to know what time it is?" Not that the brunette was qualified, but for some reason the detective almost enjoyed being psychoanalyzed by her girlfriend. She reveled in being understood.

"Well," Olivia thought, interlocking their fingers and kissing each knuckle, "I think you're still learning how to not stress over lost time. Not that I think a three-hour nap is lost time. Taking care of yourself is always useful."

Amanda nodded, reaching for her own phone. "I'm turnin' this bad boy off. Today, it's just you and me. How does that sound?"

Olivia stretched to kiss Amanda soundly. "Absolutely perfect."

After a minute or so, the sergeant pulled back only slightly. "I'm going to make us lunch. Why don't you take a bath or something, relax a little?"

Amanda's brow furrowed in confusion. "I just took a whole nap."

"Can I still make you lunch?" Olivia shrugged.

"I'm not gonna say no to lunch," she laughed.

"We still have leftovers from last night," Olivia offered, standing up and stretching a little.

"Oh," Amanda realized, accusing her lightly, "you're not gonna make lunch, you're gonna reheat lunch."

After they ate, both women sat on the couch in their living room, cuddling close, talking and bantering lightheartedly. After a while, Olivia felt Amanda shift, moving to straddle the older woman, before pressing her lips to the brunette's pulse-point, reveling in the quickening of the beat. "I love that I can do that," she mused, nuzzling the skin between her girlfriend's neck and shoulder.

"Mm. You're capable of a lot more than you realize," was Olivia's thick response.

"Yeah?" Amanda questioned smugly, resting her forehead against Olivia's. "Like what?"

Liv's eyes grew dark, and she grappled with the fabric of Amanda's tank top for a moment before stilling her hand. "Do you want to go to the bedroom?"

Amanda nodded, swallowing hard. "Please."

Instead of giving her time to move, Olivia wrapped both arms tightly around her girlfriend, taking her with her as she stood up. One hand rested on her upper back, keeping her in a secure hold, and the other rested lightly on her ass because—well, why not? Liv raised an eyebrow, staying still for a moment after standing up, but once Amanda nodded quickly, she practically raced to their shared room, lovingly laying her girlfriend down on the bed before settling between her legs and resting her hands on either side of Amanda's face.

"That was fast," Amanda observed, letting the fingers of her right hand delicately trace the usually serious features of Olivia's face. The brunette smiled, and Amanda enjoyed moving her pointer finger over the crinkles it created over the bridge of her nose.

"Well, I'm nothing if not efficient," Liv postured jokingly.

"Just how efficient are you?" Amanda asked suggestively with a raised eyebrow, already slowly moving the fabric of Liv's T-shirt up her back.

In response, Olivia broke free of Amanda's hold, sitting up and removing her own shirt in one quick maneuver. The sergeant's gaze then returned to her girlfriend's eyes, but Amanda was no longer looking at her face. The brunette watched as Amanda carefully rested the palm of her hand just below Olivia's belly button, moving it up, fingers first, over her ribs, before allowing it to rest in between the older woman's breasts. Both women's breathing was audible, and after an extended moment, Amanda's eyes travelled back to meet Olivia's. "You're so beautiful, Liv," she breathed.

Olivia gently took hold of the blonde's hand, pulling it upwards and to the left until it rested over her heart, which was pounding. The older woman leaned forward, keeping her fingers over Amanda's on her chest, before whispering into her ear, "You're everything to me, and I love you with all of my heart."

Both women seemed to reflect the sentiment that they couldn't get close enough to one another, and soon they were both undressed down to their panties. With mouths connected and legs intertwined, they moved together as one with the practiced ease of a couple who had been doing this for much longer than they had.

After some time, Olivia pulled her lips away from Amanda's and attached them to the hollow of her throat. Her kisses became chaste as they travelled a path down to the blonde's collarbone. The sergeant kissed the swells of each breast once before bypassing them completely and continuing the journey down her torso, lips brushing over her ribcage and then her stomach, landing at her belly button.

Amanda's chest heaved in response to both the sensation and the care her girlfriend was taking, but a wave of hesitation washed over her as Olivia's lips caressed the elastic waistband of her underwear. "Hey, Liv?"

The brunette looked up at the sound of Amanda's voice. "Yeah?"

The detective tried to sound casual. "Whatcha doin'?"

Olivia smiled softly, pressing her lips one more time to the bare skin just before cotton began. "Kissing you. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Amanda replied, and it was okay. "Just…where are you goin'?"

The older woman immediately understood exactly what Amanda was asking, so she moved herself back up the blonde's body and lightly kissed her nose. "Nowhere you don't want me to," she assured.

Amanda nodded. "What you were doin' was okay, I just got nervous because I didn't know…."

"I figured you probably weren't ready for that. I was about to come back up anyway. Is this where you'd rather me stay?"

Amanda nodded once again. "Yeah, just for now until I get more used to different things."

"That sounds like a plan." Olivia brought her forehead down to touch Amanda's after a moment. "What are you thinking?"

The younger woman smiled. "Just processing. We can keep going." She added punctuation to her point by wrapping a leg around one of Olivia's thighs, bringing it closer to her core.

Liv wasn't sure exactly what Amanda was requesting, so she decided to ask. "Do you want me to hold my leg against you?"

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course." Olivia nodded, her palm coming to rest against the side of Amanda's face. She could tell her girlfriend was a little embarrassed by this particular ask, and she wanted to make sure that Amanda felt safe with where this was going. "It might feel more comfortable for you to move against me if you're on top. Do you want to try that?"

The blonde wordlessly rolled them over, so she was lying on top of Olivia, who carefully moved her thigh in between Amanda's legs. "Are you comfortable?" the younger woman asked after a moment. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do this just because I want to. I only wanna explore what you want to, Liv."

Olivia smiled at the Amanda turning the tables. "I absolutely want to do this, but thank you for checking."

Amanda liked the way it felt to give and receive at the same time. They felt like a team. "What should I do?" she asked.

"Well, that's up to you," Olivia told her, a hand moving slowly up and down her bare back. "I'm okay with whatever feels right for you. I'm just going to keep my leg right here, and we can kiss or—"

Amanda's lips claimed Olivia's with searing heat in an instant, and she appreciated the feeling of her girlfriend's arms holding her tight. She knew she was safe to try whatever she wanted to try, but making the decision to do so proved to be difficult. She reminded herself that she deserved this, that she deserved to experience pleasure and connection. Still, the first roll of her hips was the hardest.

The gasp that involuntarily left her made her pull away from the kiss. Olivia's hand securely grasped the back of Amanda's head, holding their foreheads together. "That was great," she praised. "Try it again."

Olivia felt another careful movement against her thigh, and watched as Amanda's eyes closed at the sensation, before trying it one more time, a small sigh escaping her lips. "It'll feel better if you add some rhythm," she offered after a moment.

Amanda's eyes snapped open. "Rhythm?"

Liv smiled softly. "Do you want me to help you?"

"Um…."

"We could just try it, and if you don't like it, we don't have to keep doing it." The offer was soft, and Amanda knew she didn't have to commit to anything.

"Sure, okay."

Liv thought about how exactly to go about what she wanted to do. It probably wasn't a good idea to move her thigh in time with Amanda's rocking because the brunette wasn't yet sure of how much pressure would be overstimulating to her girlfriend, and she wanted the control to remain in her hands. "Alright, how about this?" The older woman allowed her hand to trail down Amanda's back one more time, letting it come to rest on her right butt cheek. "I'm going to keep my hand here, and every time I squeeze, I want you to rock your hips into me, okay?"

Amanda nodded. She trusted Olivia's guidance more than anything else in the world, and the sergeant was learning her body and what it needed to feel good, so she figured there was no harm in trying. "I'm ready."

Olivia kept the fingers of her left hand tangled in Amanda's hair, lightly scratching against her scalp and holding their foreheads together. "I'm right here, okay? I got you." The older woman invited Amanda to rest her forehead on her shoulder, before moving her left hand to move along her back. "You go when you're ready, and then I'll start squeezing."

The blonde took in a shaky breath, holding on to Olivia tightly, hoping this form of contact would ground her, before slowly but intentionally rolling her hips forward with more confidence then before. The brunette cooed her praise in response to the audible exhale that accompanied the movement before squeezing the fabric and flesh below her hand for the first time. Amanda responded immediately, rocking forward with another soft gasp. As her confidence grew, Olivia prompted her girlfriend to rock more quickly, and eventually they had settled into a steady rhythm. The consistency of the sensations created by Olivia's hand and thigh was heavenly, but there came a time when Amanda knew she needed more.

"Liv, I don't think this is gonna be enough," she admitted after slowly coming to a stop.

"That's okay," the brunette promised with one last squeeze of her right hand. "Can you tell me what you think will be enough?"

"Um…" a blush formed on her cheeks, and Olivia massaged her scalp in encouragement. "The circles from last time—that's what felt best."

Olivia nodded happily, and shifted out from under her girlfriend. She was looking forward to being able to touch Amanda again, but she knew they needed to start slow. "Ooh, let me grab the lube before I forget."

"Uh, not to be crude," Amanda smirked, stilling the hand that reached for the cabinet, "but I think I'm wet enough."

The brunette smiled softly, then brought the hand that stopped hers to her lips. "Humor me?"

Amanda released her grip. Olivia needed to feel comfortable with what they were doing too, and if overpreparing was what Liv needed to feel safe, then the detective wasn't going to stop her. As the older woman acquired the bottle of lubricant, Amanda lifted her hips and removed her own underwear. She had waited long enough for this, and didn't see a reason to draw it out for any length of time.

Realizing what Amanda had done while she had been distracted, Olivia chuckled lightly, shifting on the bed to lie next to her girlfriend and resting a hand on the detective's ribcage. "Someone's eager."

"Yeah, well—" The blonde knocked the still closed bottle of lube out of the sergeant's hand, before grasping it tightly in her own. "I want you to touch me just once without the lube, and then just try to imagine what's goin' on in my head."

The older woman knew that Amanda was turned on. It was clear in the hastiness of her movements, in the darkening of her irises, and in the frantic utterance of her words. Knowing how riled up and unbelievably frustrated the blonde must be at this point, Olivia decided to comply; it wasn't like she couldn't incorporate the lube later if it was needed. She also would have been lying if she tried to claim that she didn't long to feel the warmth of her girlfriend's arousal.

Amanda moved Olivia's hand towards where she wanted it, which she hoped would be seen as a gesture of encouragement, nodding with a small smile. She hated that Liv was still so guarded when it came to touching her. Amanda had made it abundantly clear that this was what she wanted, but the SVU sergeant didn't know how to not be careful. The blonde placed Olivia's hand over her glistening folds, pressing lightly to get the message across that she wanted it to stay there. "Please," she begged.

Olivia shifted to get a better angle, before dipping her middle and forefinger into wet heat. Amanda's fingernails dug into the older woman's shoulder blade, and she gasped, realizing what she had done. "Baby, I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?"

Liv bent down to press her lips to Amanda's nose. "You're fine. It didn't hurt. Was that too much? I tried not to push too deep."

Amanda shook her head, massaging the area that her nails had marred. "It's a lot, but it's not too much."

"I won't push all the way in," Olivia promised, referring to Amanda's number one red light touch. Once she received a nod of understanding, the brunette allowed her fingers to move slowly back and forth over Amanda's folds, consciously avoiding her clit. "You are very wet," she observed with a sly smile. "Does it feel okay?"

"Look at me." Amanda gripped Olivia's face in both hands, biting her lip in response to the feeling of the tip of one of her girlfriend's fingers teasing the underside of her clit delicately. "Do I look like I'm in distress?" Olivia did look at Amanda, and in her face, she saw calm. It was an expectant calm that carried a twinge of excitement, but nonetheless, her expression was blissful.

The brunette nodded once, wrapping an arm around Amanda and pulling her onto her side so that they were facing each other. "I just want to hold you," the older woman explained, her left hand on Amanda's back and the fingers of her right hand still softly moving along sodden flesh.

Amanda felt the thumb of the hand that worked between her legs begin to stroke one of her outer lips, a soft gesture of comfort and grounding, and that combined with the way the sergeant was looking at her made her breath catch in her throat. "Liv," she breathed.

Olivia let her lips linger at Amanda's forehead, a non-verbal communication of love, as she gradually increased the pressure of the two fingers surrounded by her girlfriend's heat. Though her entire body was sensitive to touch, particularly those traditionally erogenous zones, Olivia had found that with Amanda, if it wasn't almost too much, it probably wasn't enough. She needed to feel deeply, totally, in a way that allowed no distraction.

"Liv," she repeated breathlessly, a shaky hand covering the brunette's and pushing it towards her clit. "Please, it almost hurts."

It had been a while since Olivia had been that desperate to feel stimulation between her legs, and admittedly she hadn't even touched herself in the year that she and Amanda had been dating. It was important to her that this was a journey they went on together. But she knew exactly what Amanda was describing, and the words caused a breathtaking throb to shoot through her core as well.

"Hey, look at me," she coaxed gently once she had regathered her bearings, "you don't have to beg, baby. I'm gonna take care of you." Olivia situated them so that the back of her hand rested against her own thigh, both appendages pushed snugly into Amanda who, sufficiently assured she would get what she'd asked for, had released her hold on her girlfriend's hand. "Keep your eyes on me," Liv directed, using her free hand to wrap Amanda's leg around her waist, before allowing her fingers to dance back up her thigh, and then she took a moment to squeeze one of the firm globes of Amanda's ass. Afterwards, she returned to a tight hold, her hand landing on the blonde's back, alternating rubbing and light scratching.

The younger woman's body arched into her, and Amanda couldn't stand the anticipation for one moment more. Their eyes met, and the detective inhaled sharply as she felt the tip of Olivia's pointer finger rest over the head of her clit, and then come to a complete stop.

"I'm beggin' now, Liv, please."

Olivia watched as a single tear escaped the blonde's eye, and she kissed it away tenderly. The older woman's heart ached for the exasperation being expressed in Amanda's body and in her words, but she still needed to remind her of the rights she had in this situation. Olivia was enjoying herself just as much as her girlfriend was, but she knew she held much of the power in what they were doing, and she had to say her piece. "I'm going to start off very soft, and if you feel any discomfort at all, just tell me and I'll stop. As soon as you say the word, okay?"

Amanda's nod was vigorous. She wasn't being coerced into consenting to this touch-she wanted it more than anything she had ever dared to dream of. The younger woman wrapped one arm around Olivia's back, holding her close similarly to what her girlfriend was doing, and the other arm circled the brunette's neck, clammy fingers playing with wisps of brown hair.

They held that position for several moments, both women staring deeply into each other's eyes. Olivia shot beams of love, light, and comfort out of her orbs, wishing for the sentiment to reach Amanda's soul. The detective stared just as intensely, willing Olivia's fingers to move, even just a little bit.

When it finally happened, the sound that ripped through Amanda's throat was indescribable. It was a dissonant wail combined with a scream and a relieved sob, and still it was more than that. Olivia almost automatically pulled her hand away, as if she had touched a scorching flame. But the look in Amanda's eyes dared her to even consider it.

The last time they had done this, Amanda was expecting to just learn some things about what felt good, but the sergeant and the detective both knew this was different. This was the real deal, and the pressure and relief of it all only added to the intensity of what both women were feeling.

After a little while, Amanda spoke up, winded. "Just a little more…pressure," she managed to get out.

Olivia rolled them over, so that Amanda was once again on her back, taking a moment to shake out her hand. "Need a better angle," she clarified. "You okay if I'm on top of you?"

Amanda nodded with a soft chuckle. "As long as your hand stays where I need it."

"I'm not going anywhere, love," Olivia stressed, leaning in to press her lips to her girlfriend's, before returning her pointer and middle fingers to Amanda's clit. Noticing it was not as lubricated as she would have liked, the brunette dipped her fingers into where she knew wetness would be pooling, and then she brought her hand back up, knowing Amanda would appreciate the smoother friction.

When she didn't respond the way the older woman anticipated, Olivia moved her right hand to rest on her girlfriend's hip bone, and then she reached for Amanda's hand with the other, squeezing it in an attempt to ground her. "Hey sweetheart. I'm feeling some tension in your body, so I want to check in with you. Are you okay?"

Amanda bobbed her head up and down, returning Olivia's squeeze as she shakily took a breath, before shifting on the bed to find a more comfortable position among the pillows. "Yeah, sometimes I just have to remind myself to relax."

Olivia's brow furrowed, gently squeezing Amanda's hip with sticky fingers. "Do you feel like we need to stop?"

Amanda let out a frustrated grunt, covering her face with both of her hands, before sighing deeply. "Please stop asking me if I want to stop."

The brunette's brow furrowed further. "What do you mean?"

"I'm so sorry, Liv, but all it's doing is makin' me anxious," she articulated slowly, hating that she felt the need to say this. She didn't want to hurt Olivia's feelings, especially because she was being so sweet, but the tension that her girlfriend found in her body was due to the fear of having to stop at any moment, and it was making it hard for her to truly relax. "Because I don't want to stop, and it makes me feel like all you're thinkin' about is that I'm a survivor, and I gotta tell you Liv, that's not a turn on."

Though it stung a little, Olivia appreciated any time Amanda was able to completely tell it like it was. It came naturally to her in the squad room, but in the bedroom, it was still a work in progress. "Want me to tell you what I'm actually thinking about?"

"Please?"

Olivia moved the hand on Amanda's hip slowly up her side. "I'm thinking about how much I love you, which is why I wanted to check in and make sure you were okay."

"I'm sorry, baby," the blonde apologized. "I shouldn't have even said that. I really do appreciate it. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." A wave of guilt washed over Amanda, and Olivia noticed.

"Hey, I don't feel bad, and I don't want you to feel bad either. I'm just trying to let you into my head, so you know that I'm not only thinking about you as a survivor. Do you want to hear more?"

"Yes."

Olivia rested her forehead against Amanda's for a second before speaking, pressing featherlight kisses into the skin of the detective's cheeks, nose, eyelids, and lips. "I think you are the most beautiful sight I've ever seen." A kiss to the bridge of her nose. "The way you're breathing and moving with purpose, chasing and asking for what you want—it's unbelievably sexy." A kiss to a rosy cheek. "The way you look at me when something feels particularly good—it takes my breath away." Two kisses to both eyelids. "The way you're allowing yourself to relinquish some control, the way you are giving someone permission to take care of you, the way you can put your trust in me after everything you've been through—it's the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do." A lingering kiss to Amanda's parted lips. "You are my hero, Amanda Rollins, and the only thing I'm thinking about right now is how lucky I feel to be the person you chose to experience this with you."

"I don't want to stop," Amanda asserted thickly after a moment. "This isn't the part that scares me anymore."

Olivia sighed, bringing her hand back down to rest on the younger woman's hip. "I know. I just…it's instinctual."

The blonde's desire to help Olivia decrease the amount of worry she felt for her girlfriend wasn't entirely for her benefit. After everything the sergeant had done to support Amanda, she was entitled to enjoy this experience just as much. "I want you to let go of some control too, Liv. This isn't only for me. I'm in a good place. I feel like I've already been really vocal today. Please trust me to ask for what I need if you're not already givin' it to me."

"Mhm." Olivia nodded. "I'm really proud of you by the way."

Amanda reached a hand up to grasp Liv's messy ponytail, gently pulling out the elastic that held it in before throwing it across the room. "I'm proud of us."

The younger woman then placed her own hand on top of the fingers that rested on her hip, and ushering it off and away was the only remaining cue Olivia needed to go back to her previous movements, remembering to use a little more pressure than she had been earlier.

The blonde once again tangled her fingers in the older woman's hair, pulling her close and allowing their breath to mingle together. Liv smiled with each gasp that escaped her, leaving wet kisses along her neck and collarbone. When Amanda found herself rocking her hips back and forth in time with the movement of Olivia's fingers, she ceased all movement, which Olivia noticed immediately.

The sergeant's mouth left the now moist skin of Amanda's neck so that she could establish eye contact with Amanda. "It's okay, love. That's a natural response –let yourself keep doing it. See how it feels."

When she continued the consistent rolling movement against the brunette, Olivia made a point to press slightly harder with her fingers each time Amanda's hips rose to meet her hand, and the rhythm of it was enough to take the blonde's breath away. "Does that feel better?"

Amanda gulped in air with every breath, her pulse quickening with each stroke between her legs. "God, I can't believe I've been missin' out on this my whole life."

Olivia stilled her hand only temporarily, as a way of getting Amanda's attention. "Shh, baby, don't go there. Stay here with me."

Amanda nodded. This was not the time to be zoning out or to be thinking about the past and future. Regardless of how it turned out, this day would change the detective's life forever, and she needed to experience it. She deserved to experience it fully.

So the blonde closed her eyes, focusing on the pleasant burn low in her abdomen and the friction of her body meeting Olivia's fingers. She turned her attention to the sergeant's lips, which were everywhere all at once, and the feeling of soft hair, that also gave off the smells of vanilla and pure comfort. She thought about how good it all felt, how her and Olivia fit together like two pieces of the most beautiful puzzle.

God, how good it all felt. Too good.

Without warning, Olivia felt Amanda grab her by the forearm, weakly pushing it away.

"I don't think I can do this, Liv. It's too much. Please stop."

Even after Olivia stopped the movement of her hand, which was as soon as she heard the words "I don't," Amanda kept up the pressure on Liv's forearm, as if she hadn't expected the request to be handled so easily and hadn't realized her girlfriend had obeyed the command. "Okay. Hey, I'm not touching you. Breathe for me, sweetheart." Once the blonde had regained her composure, heart still pounding, Olivia brought her hand to rest gently on Amanda's thigh. She didn't know what had happened, but she wanted to fix it. "Let me ask you a question. What's the most important thing?"

Amanda remembered all their previous conversations. "That I feel safe."

Olivia nodded. "Do you feel safe with me?"

It was an unnecessary question, and yet Amanda didn't blame her girlfriend at all for asking it. "Of course."

"Good," the brunette breathed. "Then that's all that matters. We can stop here if you need to. We can even just take a little break and talk."

Amanda shook her head, realizing she had made a big mistake. "I don't wanna stop, I just feel overwhelmed and anxious."

The other woman didn't know if asking would just add to her nerves, but it was the natural progression of the conversation they were having, "Do you know what's making you anxious?"

"Um, I think..." she faltered before sighing. "It's like what we talked about earlier."

"Well then," Olivia enunciated, "let's start with this. What I'm doing-does it feel good?"

Amanda nodded. "Better than anything I've ever felt."

Olivia nodded, an understanding smile gracing her features. "Is this the most intense it's gotten for you?"

The younger woman swallowed hard before inhaling deeply. "By like a lot."

"Okay," the brunette thought, "so you're feeling things that you've never felt before and that can be scary. Do you want to call it a night?"

Amanda knew this was coming, and she hated it. She knew what she wanted, but it was the exact same thing she was scared of. The anxiety she was feeling now was mostly due to the thought of stopping, and she realized she was no longer feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she did just need a break. "No, I don't want to stop. I just don't want to be scared. I want this."

"I know you don't want to be scared, my love," Olivia acknowledged with a sad smile. "I don't want you to be scared either, but if you are, we can't ignore it."

A string of simple sentences left Amanda's throat. She didn't seem to be capable of much more in the state she was in. "No, I'm really okay. I think I just needed a breather. I know that I'm safe with you. I want to keep going. I feel better."

"Are you sure?" Olivia was skeptical, but she had full faith in Amanda's capability to speak up for herself these days. Although she did still worry that her arousal was interfering with her ability to make a necessary decision, the fire in the blonde's eyes as she answered the question gave no room for doubt.

"I've never been more sure."

Olivia figured that as long as they were taking a break, she might as well use this time to share some more information with her girlfriend. "Sweetheart, I want you to know that this is going to be intense for you because there's been a lot leading up to this, and you probably need some kind some kind of emotional release. I don't want you to try and stop yourself from screaming or crying because you may need that too."

"But if I start cryin', you're going to want to stop."

Olivia nodded. Ordinarily, she would definitely want to stop, but she was also aware of the fact that the release Amanda needed wouldn't necessarily be pretty in the traditional sense. Olivia of course thought anything the blonde did was breathtakingly beautiful, but Amanda often still often expected herself to be quiet and docile. "I know that emotion isn't always a sign of distress. I trust that you'll let me know if you need to stop."

Amanda reached up to caress one of Olivia's cheeks. "I will."

"If you want to keep going, you have two jobs right now, okay?"

"Okay."

"Number one is breathe. It's okay if your breathing is rapid, but you do need to oxygenate." Amanda smiled softly at Olivia's nerd use of the word "oxygenate" before returning her attention to the words she spoke. "Number two is let yourself feel. Even thinking 'this feels good' can help keep you in that space. I need you to trust that I wouldn't let you hurt. I have you baby. Allow your body to take the leap. I promise I'll catch you."

The detective took one more deep breath in and out before nodding, holding Olivia tighter than ever. "I'm ready for this," she promised, feeling the fingers of Olivia's right hand moving across her inner thigh, before pausing for a moment in order to cup the entirety of Amanda's swollen lips.

"I love you," she whispered, once again letting her thumb brush softly over the sensitive skin. Olivia wanted Amanda to feel as if her body was being worshipped, revered, and appreciated to the fullest extent.

The younger woman smiled softly, most of her anxiety leaving her body along with an intentional breath. "I love you too," Amanda purred, bringing her lips to meet Olivia's again, sighing in relief when she felt two skilled fingers return to her clit.

Quickly the intensity of before returned, the blonde's pulse racing and breathing becoming labored. This time, however, she welcomed it, along with the increasing pressure between her legs. Each time she thought the sensation of Olivia massaging her couldn't get any better, it did, and the feeling burned inside her, the love of her life fanning the fire as it raged.

She felt the urge to push down against the mattress, a pleasurable tension building in her pelvic region. Amanda had never known pleasurable tension before, but she decided she wanted to experience it for the rest of her life.

Olivia smiled, practically seeing the wheels turning inside Amanda's brain. This was happening, and there was no question about whether the younger woman wanted it.

Four staccato syllables. "Oh-liv-i-a."

The brunette had an idea of what her girlfriend was trying to tell her, and leaned down to kiss a closed eyelid. "Yeah?"

"Don't. Stop."

"I won't baby, I promise. Let go for me." Music to Liv's ears, she happily continued the ministrations, making sure to gather wetness from Amanda's entrance every so often to keep her comfortable. At this point, the blonde might not even be able to notice an excess of friction, and Liv didn't want her to be sore later. The sergeant allowed Amanda to hold her face close to hers, and Olivia wouldn't have taken her eyes off of the expression on her girlfriend's face for the world. Watching her was pure heaven.

Liv felt Amanda grind into her hand once, twice, thrice, before her entire body tensed, eyes squeezing tightly shut, and tears streaming down her face.

Amanda saw rainbows.

White hot pleasure.

Fireworks shot out from the spot Olivia was touching her, and they exploded in her stomach, her fingers, her toes, the burst escaping her throat through a strangled cry.

And then there was quiet. Only the sound of her racing heart remained, and it took her almost a full minute to register the sensation of Olivia's fingers trailing along her thighs, her arms, her stomach.

Her chest continued to heave, and her eyes remained closed, but the detective reached out blindly for Liv's hand, squeezing firmly to communicate that she was okay. She felt Olivia's lips on her temple. "Take your time," she intoned gently.

"Give me a minute to remember how to move," Amanda wheezed after a minute or so, "and then I'll happily return the favor."

Olivia chuckled, grateful for the offer, but she actually wasn't in the space to receive at the moment anyway. She had too experienced an intense emotional release. "How about you rest now, and we can go for take two tomorrow?"

"Are you sure?" Amanda didn't want Olivia to think she wasn't open to the idea.

"Yeah, baby," the brunette laughed gently. "You're still crying," she observed, reaching to wipe a falling tear. "I have no problem taking this slowly, my love. We have the rest of our lives."

A comfortable warmth enveloped her heart and made her limbs heavy, but Amanda didn't feel held down.

She was flying.

A/N: This was an intense one to write, but it was a deeply moving process as well. I spent two weeks on this chapter, so I hope the time and effort comes across.

I'm so sorry for the wait with this chapter, but arguably, this is the most important one and I wanted to get it right. Hopefully, the disgustingly long length of it will make up for the wait. One more chapter left! Thanks for sticking with me, my friends, and you all have a surprise to look forward to in the A/N of the last chapter ?

-Gabby