Chapter 18: There Is No Permanence, An Inescapable Truth

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I'm so happy everyone liked the Levi/Kagome moment last chapter :)

Hopefully you all like this chapter just as much!

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Everyone leaves. That's the only explanation Kagome could come up with at this point. Everyone will leave her one way or another and there was nothing she could do about it but go on. She had done it at age fifteen when she lost her friends from the Feudal Era, and she had done it at age eighteen when she lost her family and friends from the Modern Era. And now, she would do it again. And again. And again for as long as fate dangled her in this lonely prison. But, if she was being honest, doing it with a smile on her face had gotten exhausting.

Being Kagome had gotten exhausting.

But at the very least, she had recovered from her injuries somewhat, now being able to walk without toppling over. And it was a good thing, too, as Levi hadn't come around to catch her since she had first awoken the day before.

Probably because he didn't want to deal with her blubbering self. Or at least, that's what the woman assumed. Still, she didn't have it in her to regret what she said to him about his team; she was sorry. Even with his rough and indifferent demeanor, she knew it had to have hurt him to lose the core members of his squad.

Even if I don't regret it, though, I could have gone without falling on the guy... She mused internally, recalling the way the infamous captain had so awkwardly hugged her and gave the most Levi-like speech in his attempt to comfort her while she weeped into him. Honestly, if she wasn't so riddled with despondency, she would have felt flustered at the whole situation, even a bit embarrassed.

The last man to hold her in any capacity was Inuyasha, after all.

Physical intimacy never really was my strong suit or an arena I was used to... She huffed inwardly, Platonic or otherwise. But it did make me feel better, so I guess its nothing to get all worked up about. I needed to hear what he said; I needed that small bit of comfort.

Kagome got up from the bed, deciding to take a little stroll to get out of the stuffy medical room she was still stuck in. No medic could figure out what happened and, in all honesty, she couldn't quite make sense of it either. She distinctly remembered rushing towards Petra, and the Titan hand that came for her. Then again, she did feel like her memories weren't exactly reliable. Somewhere in her last moments of consciousness, she recalled her spiritual powers coming through for the first time in years.

But that just didn't make sense. And Kagome assumed that this part of her memory had just been carried over from her dream, a false recollection of reality. That was the only explanation.

Still, it bothered her that there was nothing to give reason for why she had been knocked out for all that time. And no real answer for how she was struck down by the Female Titan and came out with such minor injuries. Cuts and bruises? That's it? There had to have been something else going on. And apparently, the medics preferred that she stay in this room to monitor her for a little bit. The mystery surrounding her made her unpredictable apparently, and they didn't know what other symptoms may arise.

But, while that idea wasn't too far-fetched, she still hated it.

So, the woman burst out of the door and into the hallway, face blank but body feeling somewhat normal as she took each step, wandering about with no specific destination in mind.

And yet, she seemed to end up exactly where she needed to be.

"Ah! Kagome!" An eager shout infiltrated the silence of the halls, and Kagome turned to see none other than Hange Zoe jogging up to her, a bright beam painted on her face. "I'm happy to see you out and about! How're ya feeling?"

"Oh, hi Hange." Kagome gave a small wave and a half-assed smile. "I'm feeling better. It's nice to stretch my legs."

"Yeah, Captain Short-Stack said you couldn't stand when you first woke up. He actually barred any of us from bothering you until you got a chance to recover more." She took a spot by the younger woman's side, both falling in step with each other, "That's why no one but the medics and the cadets who bring your food have been around. We don't wanna piss off that little guy."

Is that really why he hasn't stopped by since? He wants to give me space? In truth, Kagome did appreciate that. She hadn't exactly wanted to be around anyone during her time of grief. Or rather, she didn't have the energy to.

"Oh... Well, I did get some much needed rest this past day." She hummed, brushing away some inky strands from her face. Though, her features still appeared drenched with fatigue.

And Hange quickly took notice. In fact, she took notice of Kagome's overall change in demeanor, being nothing like the always bright and cheery woman she usually is. And it dawned on her that perhaps she wasn't quite able to bounce back from the last expedition as well as everyone thought she would. She was one of the few here who experienced the fall of Wall Maria and the disaster of Trost. Not to mention, Hange knew that Kagome hadn't had any family or friends outside of the regiment, assuming she had lost them all at some point.

It was known that Kagome Higurashi was no stranger to disaster, and still she usually held such a chipper and upbeat attitude. Like a ray of sunlight in an otherwise cloudy sky. But perhaps the weight of everything had finally gotten a bit too heavy for her shoulders; perhaps this was what would break that jubilee.

"Well, I won't take up too much of your time, then." Hange's usually tuneful voice was replaced by a much softer one, "We are planning a meeting later on to discuss the potential identity of the Female Titan. Given the dire situation and the unknown fates of Erwin and Eren, I think it'd be best if you be in attendance."

After pondering it for a moment, Kagome nodded her head, "Of course I'll be there. Whatever it takes to take that beast down."

"Perfect. I knew you'd wanna come!" The squad leader had to stop herself from jumping in place, though her cheeks still blushed from excitement, "I will see you at three o'clock! Rest up until then!" And, just as quickly as she had appeared, she disappeared down the hall, turning back once to wave goodbye to Kagome.

And the black haired woman just continued to wander the halls for a little while before returning to her isolated hospital room, sitting herself down on the edge of the bed. Quiet, she found that she quite liked and hated it. In fact, she found that she liked and hated almost everything at all times. The night and the day. Sitting up and lying down. Being awake and staying asleep. She was a walking contradiction. Every inch of her contrasting the next, every thought juxtaposed the one that followed. Gods, there was no peace right now.

She wasn't sure how long she had sat around, head hung low and fingers gripping onto the white sheets, before there was a sudden knock at the door.

Huh? I'm sure the medic isn't supposed to show up for a little while longer... She thought to herself before calling for the person to let themselves in.

As the door slowly opened, Levi himself was revealed, taking no time in stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

"Oi, heard from Shitty Four-Eyes that you can walk again." He commented, "And that you'll be attending today's meeting. So, I take it you've had enough alone time and are ready to start talking."

"Start talking?" She blinked, wondering why the captain was acting as if she was supposed to know what he was referring to. Was there something they were meant to talk about right now? She had already told Levi and the doctors of her perspective of the Female Titan attack. Anything else she was sure Eren was able to supplement since he was present up until she was struck down. Still, his steely gray eyes pierced into her, analyzing her in a manner much less friendly than he had been the day before.

This definitely wasn't the same man who comforted her only yesterday, held her close. He was something different today.

He approached her sitting form, crossing his arms under his chest before clicking his tongue, "Tch, Eren saw the light you shot out from your hands back during the expedition. What, some pink glow or other? Do you have the nerve to forget such a precious detail?" His voice was low, and he narrowed his gaze in on her harshly.

But honestly, it wouldn't have mattered how intimidating his appearance was at this point. He could have said those words with a big old smile on his face, and her heart still would have dropped to the depths of her stomach. Her eyes still would have bulged out of her head, breath lodged in her suddenly dry throat.

What? So, I really did use my spiritual powers back then? And Eren saw it? Oh no. Oh no... Her mind raced, What's going to happen to me? Am I gonna go on trial like Eren? Will I have the luxury of being the Scout Regiment's pet, or will the Military Police have their way with me?

"I...I..." But she couldn't form a complete sentence, pulse racing.

"The hell are you hiding Higurashi?" The captain moved his hands so they rested on his hips as he leaned down to become face to face, "There's no point in trying to play dumb now. Eren saw you. And I saw you, too. Back in the relic room, I saw the same damn light when you touched that sacred bow. Didn't know what to think about it then, but now, you're not getting away with keeping your shitty secrets."

"Captain..." She swallowed harshly and moved her gaze to face his, her bones beginning to tremble, "Are you going to turn me in?"

This time, he raised his brow in confusion, "Turn you in? Jeez brat. The fuck are you going on about now?"

"For my spiritual power. Are you going to turn me in to the Military Police?" She clarified, eyes glossy, "So they can experiment on me, and gods know what else?"

Now, it was his turn to blink in astonishment. "You're such an idiot. Why don't you try thinking hard? Use that shitty brain of yours for once, and then try to tell me what in the hell I would gain by selling out my own squad." He raised his hand and flicked her right in the center of her forehead, watching as she flinched slightly, "Is that why you haven't said anything? Think the big bad captain is waiting for you to screw up so he could send you off to the filth that is the Military Police?"

When she didn't say anything, Levi sighed and straightened himself out once more, shutting his eyes in frustration, "I don't need to report anything to anyone. I deal with these problems myself. So, just tell me what the hell you are."

Kagome bit her lip pensively, feeling somewhat relieved, but not completely. She could tell that this was him interrogating her, that, in his eyes, he wasn't sure what to make of this so he had to treat it like a threat. That was how he handled anything unusual, an automatic response. She also knew that, him dealing with the problems himself meant that he would kill her if he saw fit. And the thought made her shudder, a sudden jolt of worry riding up her spine.

Still, as she looked at him, his eyes still narrowed and jaw clenched with slight anticipation, she also knew something else. If he wasn't telling anyone at all, not Hange or Erwin or Mike or anyone, that meant that he was also prepared to keep this between just them if he saw fit. Conceal her. Protect her. If not, he would have surely reported to someone in the Scout Regiment and this private conversation would surely be taking place in a much more secure location. Instead, he had allowed her space to recover, even enough to let her walk the grounds if she so pleased.

That's right. If Levi really did see me as a threat, why would he have left me alone for so long? She took a deep breath, If he was so concerned, he would have done this yesterday when I woke up. He wouldn't have cared that I was too distraught and needed to grieve, and he wouldn't have bothered to make me feel better about everyone's deaths. But he did. He comforted me. All of this big talk now is because he's frustrated and wants to get to bottom of this... Maybe, for once, I can be honest with someone.

"Okay. I trust that you'll keep your word." Kagome stood up, almost eye level to the captain as she mustered up all of her courage, "I'm a priestess. Or, I was a priestess. I'm not sure anymore."

"Go on." He kept his gaze stern.

"Well, everything happened when I was fifteen..." But, some of that courage quickly faded, "I suddenly showcased these spiritual powers when I was being attacked by... A wild animal. It didn't do anything but scare it off, though. Like the legends say, it probably only works against demons."

Why didn't I tell him the truth?

"My family and friends knew about it, but that's it. And even so, I've never been able to completely master it." She continued, "Honestly, it's been years since my powers have come through. I'm not sure why it's happening now."

He seemed to mull it over, nodding his head, "A priestess, huh? That's why you were so damn emotional about those relics?"

"Yeah..." Kagome chewed on the inside of her cheek, "But my powers never seemed to be of any importance. There never actually seemed to be any demons here. And it's never had any effect on people."

"What the fuck are these powers supposed to be?" He questioned, though he seemed to have dropped his threatening demeanor a bit.

"Like a pure energy. It's supposed to be the opposite of darkness, something good to fight off evil beings." She answered swiftly, "Or at least, that's what I've been told. Like I said, I've never gotten the chance to use it on anyone or anything." Something in me just won't let me be honest, won't let me tell the whole truth... She stared at him, watching the way any suspicion in his orbs slowly dissipated right before he closed them, pinching the bridge of his nose as he did his best to process the information she was giving him.

So stressed. She noticed that he always seemed like that, with so much on his mind.

"So, there really is so much about this world we still don't understand." He mumbled under this breath, almost as if he was talking to himself rather than the woman. An acceptance of a reality even harsher than the one he knew to exist; a creeping frustration that this world is even more complex and confusing, perhaps even impossible for one to navigate in one lifetime.

Then, he straightened himself out and met her stare once more.

"Eren said it looked as though the light enveloped you before you were hit." He huffed, "Like a veil of sorts."

Kagome tilted her head curiously to ponder such a thing. She only could recall the light coming out when she wanted to protect Petra. That's it. Why would it cover herself up, instead? And what did such a thing mean, anyways?

Oh wait.

Her eyes widened briefly, "Is that... Is that why I wasn't badly injured?" Did my power create a barrier around me? Then perhaps I was knocked out from the exhaustion of using so much of my energy. The possibility dawned on her, hitting her straight in the head like a giant fist.

The captain cocked his brow at her own confusion. "If you're expecting an answer from me, don't hold your damn breath, runt." He grunted, "Hell if I know what any of this means. Though, make no mistake, I plan on figuring it out. If this power of yours has the potential to be used against Titans, you can be damn certain it will be."

Slowly, the woman nodded her head, albeit a bit reluctantly as she gazed downward. In truth, her head was a mess of scattered thoughts centered around the uncertainty of where all of this will lead her. He said he wouldn't tell anyone, but could he keep her a secret, especially if her powers were to end up being useful against Titans? It was conflicting to have this fear while understanding that the ultimate defeat of Titans was more important that her feelings.

"Oi, wipe that dumbass look off your face." Levi took her chin between his index finger and thumb, jolting it up slightly to get her attention, "Still scared? Did you not hear me when I said I wouldn't turn you in? Tch. Pathetic, Kagome. I think it's time you start trusting your damn captain."

"Levi, it's not-" She wasn't given time to finish that thought before he jerked at her again, this time pulling her closer to his face.

"Do you trust me or not?" He questioned, and she was quickly reminded that he was not a man who liked beating around the bush.

And, with their noses almost touching, proximity making it near impossible to look anywhere but into his all-dominating stare, she was forced to reconcile with what she truly thought about him. It was odd, really, the way she felt her anxiety quiet down at his demand for such a final answer. She didn't expect for his brusque and domineering attitude to suddenly make her feel secure. Was her panic really just founded in some made up apprehension?

Did she trust him?

"Yes. I trust you, Levi." The words spilled out before she could even realize it.

Levi dropped his hand from her chin, taking a step back, "Good. I'm already trusting that you're not some shitty enemy. And I expect that to be reciprocated." He kept his tone steady and firm, "I've already ordered Eren not to speak a word of this to anyone or he'd have to deal with whatever damn punishment I can come up with. So, it'll just be you and me. Got that? Tsk, and don't you ever insult me by even fucking insinuating that I'd betray you to the swine of Military Police." He crossed his arms, almost seeming somewhat offended at the prospect.

Offended because he would never want to betray her; offended because he was sure he never gave her a reason to think he would in the first place.

Because he's already risking so much by not telling anyone, not even Erwin. Kagome realized, And it's all to keep me safe. Yeah, it's natural that he wants to know what my powers can do against Titans. But, at least for now, he's prioritizing my safety over everything else. And in doing so, he's showing me that I can rely on him. She felt the corners of her lips curving up at the thought, and for the first time since she's woken up, she grinned lightly.

"Is that an order, Captain?"

"Why yes it is, dipshit." It was a growled insult, but had no real venom as he clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. "I see that you haven't lost your damn near mastered skill of being annoying."

"I guess not." She murmured her response with a hint of amusement before sitting down on the bed, sighing heavily. She was still emotionally exhausted, but the captain had definitely taken a bit of her weight off with his reassurance. In truth, she had never expected that the cold and aloof man before would become such a source of easement. Even if it were only a moment that she could smile, she did, and that in itself was significant.

"So, listen up. For now, our priority has to be that damned Female Titan. Unfortunately, that means I won't get to study your weird ass powers until we settle that." He asserted firmly, his stare still boring into you, "The strategy meeting's in an hour, so I suggest you clean yourself up before then. You looking fucking terrible."

"Gee, thanks." Kagome murmured, though did so loud enough for him to hear.

"Expect only honesty from me, brat." At this point, he was already making his way to the door, leaving her in the same position she was when he entered.

She nodded, "I will."

"Good." His hand reached for the handle, turning it slightly before he spun his head around briefly once more. He had seen the smile that had appeared on her face, though noted how it disappeared so quickly. And he contemplated that she was just as stressed as he was, just as burdened, "I've recently brewed some black tea in the kitchen, and there's still some hot left in the kettle. You probably won't like it as much as your fancy shit, but feel free to help yourself." The door swung open, and Levi took one step out before grumbling, "I can already tell you'll fucking need it."

And he was gone.

"Always so full of surprises..." Kagome mused after a few moments of silence. In hindsight, this isn't the worst case scenario. Sure, she had never planned on being found out, but she guessed that having Levi take control of the situation was probably the best way this could have gone. Anyone else would have surely reported you, at least to Erwin. And while you had great respect for the man, you wondered how he would have handled you. If he would have turned you in to Premier Zackley, or if he would have treated you more like a potential threat. Taken you off of Levi's Squad and locked you up for a series of interrogations and experiments.

You would have never guessed that the most compassion you would receive would be by the stern Captain himself.

Still, I finally had an opening to tell someone about my life, and I couldn't do it. She sighed and shut her eyes as if she was trying to make sense of her own hesitation, Sure, he may have not believed the whole time-travelling part of my life, but it would have felt to freeing just to say it. I would have felt like my identity wasn't being locked up and tucked away. Like I could connect with something for the first time in years.

But maybe that was it. Maybe something within her just didn't want to bond on any level deeper than what she's been doing. Only telling him the basics of her spiritual power still keeps up part of her wall. Hiding her history is shielding her from real connections.

Because no one is permanent; it's inevitable that she will slowly lose this world, too. Either they die or time will snatch them away. But the truth remains that everyone will leave her and there is nothing she can do about it.

But stay distant.

This was really fun to write. It's a mess of Kagome's complex emotions and Levi's natural way of handling things through intimidation despite not actually wanting to intimidate her. Because they're both emotionally messed up. But that's okay character development will save them eventually :)
But writing meaner Levi was fun. I've always found him extremely empathetic, but he was still raised in the Underground. He's naturally more aggressive and crude, and he's prone to being more combative when handling new situations. I don't want to lose that part of him while writing. Even when he's assuring her, he can still be a bit rough.

Also, obviously this is written more from Kagome's point of view. That's because we got a good amount of Levi perspective last chapter for this scene. More importantly, the fact that Levi already developed a respect for Kagome as a person will explain why he's putting himself on the line for her. Just in case anyone found that OOC for him. I just felt that, since I added that in last chapter, that I'd focus more on Kagome's conflicting emotions.

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Also, I've revamped Ch. 1 recently. I realized I wrote when I initially planned on having this fic be quicker and more light-hearted. Basically, originally I had Kagome appear much more ready to accept this new world as her home. But since I've taken that turn and made this a much longer and slow-burn fic, I figured I would rewrite Kagome initial perspective.

No one really has to read it again. It's the same information. It's more for new readers so they can get the right idea of where this fic is going from the beginning.

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Let me know what you think! Any predictions of what will happen with Kagome's powers?

Every review is like being paid for my work. So, don't be scared to let me know that you think of this chapter :)

I really appreciate you all!