OK Number 32 - Baby Steps
"Steady, steady, mind your hips!"
Nunnally smiled, before reaching across and holding onto Lelouch's waist, steadying him as he leaned onto the front of his legs. He was unsteady, and required an abdominal brace, as well the aid of both of his siblings and a nurse to hold himself upright, however, with some difficulty, he was up and standing, using his left arm to balance. There was a moment of uncertainty, before a celebratory mood came over the room.
"You're doing it!" Rolo cheered, as the hands propping up Lelouch's torso gradually withdrew to see if he could balance himself. With some hesitation, he was able to sustain his own verticality, causing him to let out a celebratory laugh of joy.
It had been a week since he had woken up, and most of his bandaging had been removed, but for his most wounded extremities in the forehead, nose and stomach. He was not going to be released from general medical care for some time, however plans were in the works to transport him back to France for long term care. However, the Brazilian staff had done extremely well by Lelouch, and the proof was visible, at least to Nunnally; here he was, standing upright! On the night of the incident, that he would stand again, that he would speak again, was in doubt.
But here he was standing, laughing! Nunnally could only join in, and Rolo looked absolutely delighted, as Lelouch just about kept himself upright.
However, his moment of erect stature was short lived, as he fell back into a seated position within about a minute. Concerned, Nunnally and Rolo leaned in close, before Lelouch waved his hand about his face to signal his weariness, and they instinctively backed off, almost fretful.
"Ach, it's just my head starts spinning and I feel sick when I'm standing." Lelouch admitted. "I've got a migraine already, and it kicks into overdrive as soon as I stood."
"It's okay brother, don't push yourself too hard." Rolo encouraged, as Lelouch's head hung slightly, his skinny arms pressed onto his thighs, one active and one not. Nunnally patted him on the back as Lelouch took heavy breaths, trying to rectify his sense of place and stability.
"Damnit." Lelouch hissed, as he lay back onto the bed after a moment of pause. "Can't even stand for thirty seconds."
"Brother-" Nunnally whispered piteously, trying to disabuse him of such frustrations as his stomach brace was unwrapped. It hurt to see him be so constrained and needlessly frustrated at things beyond his control. Shaking her head, and deciding to begin her redress of Lelouch's years of helping her with her injuries, encouraged "You don't need to get frustrated that it's taking a while. You don't need to take care of us all on your own. We will be fine, you just need to recover at your own pace."
Though he was lying down at an acute angle to Nunnally, she could still he his eyes bulge as he baulked at her suggestion. Trying to calm him, she explained "Rolo is getting a lot of the sponsors you built relationships with, and I'm finished therapy and can begin university next year. You don't need to hold us all on your back. Now more than ever, you need to take it easy. You don't need to try and fight through it for our sake, we will be fine."
Lelouch groaned throatily, a combination of pain and frustration. Nunnally and Rolo cringed reflexively as his back arched, before he panted loudly. After a moment, he finally was able to speak again.
"You don't- it's my job. It's not your business… I can sort this all out. Don't you worry about me for a second. I will fix this. I always have, right?"
It was likely intended to be reassuring, to try and dissuade concerns and tell the two teens that things would be returning to normal soon enough, if he had anything to say about it. Just leave things to Lelouch, and all would be well.
However, instead of this, two different things were communicated. Firstly, Lelouch's insistence that Nunnally and Rolo ought not involve themselves read more as infantilising and dismissive than being borne of any confidence in his own capacity. He was, at least according to what he was communicating, more concerned with keeping them out of the loop for its own sake, fixated on the idea of preserving a dynamic that placed himself as the head of the household.
Of course, Nunnally did not believe he was malicious, more that, like a parent hearing about their child going on their first date, he was not quite ready to believe those in his care were as adult as they were.
The second unintentional communication was that he knew it. His insistence, moaned through gritted teeth and held breath was harsh in its tone and adamant in its exigence. It was a last gasp roar of desperation as he realised his position of being the one who would take care of the family was not long for this world. It was a frantic reaction borne of sudden panic at his arrival of the reality that he would now become what he would hate most; a burden to his siblings.
However, Nunnally had long grappled with this, by no means pleased or amused by her incapacitation over the recent past, and had resolved this concern. The three of them were a team, and if one of them were in trouble, the other two would move Heaven and Earth to make sure they were cared for. Just as Nunnally herself had been seen to, Lelouch would be.
Anything else simply would not do. Nunnally had a duty to Lelouch to make sure he was brought back to health, and she would not abdicate it any more than Lelouch would. While she was the furthest thing from confrontational, Nunnally had no intention of allowing her resolve or adult capacity to be placed into question.
As Lelouch lay back, spine held stiff in clear pain, Nunnally came across and tried to calm him. She wheeled close, Rolo standing above and behind him as Lelouch looked up at the pair of them.
"Please…" he groaned. "Don't worry, this is not your concern."
"When one of us is out of action, it becomes all of our concern." Nunnally replied. "We promised we'd look after each other when Dad threw us out, that it would be the three of us against the world. Not just you."
Lelouch's eyes began to tear as the nurse moved back, allowing the full, gangly body of the former racing driver. He bit his lip as his elbows and knees sat at naked angles, distracting from the bruised torso.
"You sprats… you weren't supposed to get mixed up in all this. You're teenagers for gods sakes. No teenager should be worried about hospital bills and managing family affairs."
"You were."
Lelouch lacked an immediate good response to this, however he was eventually able to spurt out "So you wouldn't have to!" in response.
Rolo, now short of patience, responded "How do you think we feel? Watching you like this? Imagine if Nunnally or I were hurt again, and we insisted that we would take care of it ourselves? How hurt would you be?"
Lelouch physically cringed, as Nunnally nodded to underline Rolo's good point. The eldest Lamperouge seemed to take some time to digest the point, like a rotten pill for indigestion or hubris. However, after the bitterness passed, he smiled.
"I guess you take after me more than I expected." he chuckled sourly, eyes screwed shut in a hollow combination of humour and disappointment. "Wanting to take charge and protect your loved ones to a fault. I guess I can't fault that can I?"
There was an uncertain silence, as Lelouch seemed to be lamenting their empathy. However, he dispelled this as he raised his good arm up to stroke Nunnally's hair, before giving a more genuine smile.
"I'm proud of you truth be told." he admitted. "It hurts that you had to grow up so fast as to have to go through this, but you're absolutely gone above and beyond. You're so amazing in stepping up, it's just that it hurts that you have to."
Nunnally nodded, understanding what he meant. That they had the wherewithal to take charge would represent in Lelouch's eyes a failure on his part to shield them from the harsh realities of the world that would provide them with the perspective to act in the fashion they did. But, as he now cried with a happy pride, he saw that in fact he had nurtured something quite beyond his intentions, different, but better.
"Well done." he nodded, before leaning his head back. "You're so strong. Thank you."
They sat in silence for quite some time, watching the sun trek through the sky out the window. None present felt like speaking, instead content to relax in one another's company, particularly as they basked in their newly refreshed common understanding, with nothing left unsaid.
Indeed, it was almost time for supper when there came a knock on their door, and a quiet call from the nurse.
"You've got a visitor, a Japanese colleague of yours."
Lelouch, still laid prone on the bed, called back "It's probably Suzaku, send them right in."
There was a pause, before the doorknob pulled away and the figure at the door stepped in, and Nunnally realised Lelouch was wrong in his presumptions.
Kallen Kōzuki stood at the head of the room, standing at her full height, though withdrawn in her body language.
The mood of the room immediately shifted. Rolo and Nunnally subtly repositioned themselves between the door and the bed, and Lelouch went very quiet. Kallen didn't speak initially, and Lelouch was uncharacteristically feart, as if intimidated by Kallen. It was Nunnally, who would not stand for Kallen causing her brother such angst, who broke the silence, barking "The hell are you doing here?" across the room.
"I just want to talk." Kallen replied, raising her hands slowly to her side. Out of the corner of her eyes, Nunnally saw Lelouch widen his, and so, turning back towards Kallen, she angrily shot back "You've done plenty of talking. Keep it short, and then buzz off. You've done enough damage."
"I'm here to apologise."
Rolo raised his eyebrow sceptically, before he cautiously warned "Say what you want to say, but keep your distance."
Kallen sighed, before nodding in appreciation of their concern. She stood a bit more upright, before speaking again.
"I am incredibly sorry for what happened. It was incredibly embarrassing, and I can't imagine what it has meant for you. I feel an immense shame for what happened, and it has been an awful time. I am so sorry for this whole affair, and I hope that you can forgive me for what I did."
Nunnally and Rolo exchanged glances, uncertain how to proceed, silent before Lelouch groaned from his position behind them. Turning back, Lelouch indicated he wanted to sit up, and Rolo immediately moved to prop him up, placing pillows behind his back as the French driver took a breath, gazing at Kallen's shoes with a nervous intent, at once evasive and focused.
"You aren't sorry for shit."
Rolo seemed shocked, but Nunnally knew what was coming next, as Kallen displayed a mix of surprise, fear, and a tinge of outrage. Lelouch, still failing to quite meet her eye, went on in a quiet, yet breathless fashion that demanded attention in its wheezy fury.
"Listen to your framing. You're only apologising because you are embarrassed. Because you feel shame for acting so improperly in public, like being rude over dinner. If only you had not so embarrassed yourself, then all would be well, surely! If only you had considered the consequences, that you would yourself suffer, then you wouldn't have done it! You aren't sorry for injuring me, for forcing me to retire, for humiliating me in front of my family and disabling me at all."
Lelouch, now shivering, cast his eyes up to meet Kallen's, if only for a brief moment, to conclude his hushed tirade.
"You aren't one bit sorry for what you did. You're sorry you were caught."
Kallen stood back for a moment, shaking her head with the horror of a woman feeling tragically misunderstood, as she raised her hands to try and explain herself in a fashion Lelouch would not be so disdainful towards.
"I'm sorry Lelouch… I was just aggravated. I was just so convinced that you'd hit me off the track intentionally, and that just was so-"
"Shut up."
Lelouch was no longer looking at Kallen, instead he was shuffling them down and to the left, head tilted away from the redhead exposing his neck and bruised scalp.
"Just stop, leave. You were convinced I'd tried to crash into you on purpose, so what? You bring that up as if it makes it okay, as if that makes that which you're apologising for go away. The only reason you'd bring that up is to shift the blame, which shows you're not sorry for a damn thing. You want to show you're sorry? Try showing it. Words are cheap, unless you can show your behaviour has changed, you can sod off."
"But-"
"Leave, if you know what's good for you."
The threatening murmur did not come from Lelouch, who was far too physically intimidated in light of personal experience to speak with such brutishly aggressive undertones. Instead, Rolo, masking his normally soft voice with a growl and glare, issued the warning, enforcing Lelouch's wishes that she leave.
Looking defeated, Kallen's head tilted to the side in a sad exasperation, before she let out a sigh and turned away, shutting the door behind her as she left with a ginger disappointment.
As soon as Kallen left, both Nunnally and Rolo turned back to Lelouch, who sat propped up for a few moments before falling onto his side in a sudden rush of breath. Rolo reached over to level his elder brother, laying him flat on the bed as he let all the stress of Kallens confrontation out in a series of breathless pants. He had been holding his breath for a time, his face red and eyes bulging.
"It's okay Lelouch, it's okay." Nunnally reassured. "It's going to be okay, just lie down now and relax She's gone."
Lelouch groaned, settling back as his siblings tended to his immediate needs. Clearly, in spite of his brave face, he had been heavily shaken by his beating, which was expected. Nunnally would not begrudge him it for a moment, but she knew Lelouch was still not used to being vulnerable, and so he tried to form a smile, and let out a hollow chuckle.
"Listen to that cheek, trying to blame everyone else. She's got cojones, I'll give her that."
Nunnally didn't respond, instead stepping back and surveying the scene. Her brother needed quite a bit of rest, she knew, and this misadventure had visibly drained him. With the cool examination she imagined he might have once performed, she noted that it may well be time to allow him to sleep, after both a few hours spent trying to get him to stand before confronting Kallen.
"Rolo, I think that we ought to let Lelouch get a nap." Nunnally instructed, taking charge of the scene. Her brother nodded respectfully, and immediately turned away towards the door after nodding respectfully. He waited at the arch for a moment, holding the door open for Nunnally, however, turning back, she shook her head, indicating she would follow in a moment after a brief goodbye. Understanding, he let the door fall closed behind him as Nunnally turned back around to face Lelouch, who presented a curious look with a lazy eyebrow and sceptical frown.
She sighed, as she wondered over whether to bring up her one concern. It would be more than a little insensitive, and perhaps ill timed, but in light of what Kallen had just said, there was no more perfect time.
"Was that true, what she said? Did you crash on purpose?"
Lelouch's raised eyes turned narrow, as he turned terse. Clearly, he did not want to be asked this question, particularly by his sister. That she might consider him to have done it intentionally was something of a rubicon, as he realised his image that he had built up was dead, just like his career.
However, Lelouch was nothing if not stubborn.
"This conversation is over."
Perhaps one of the least sympathetic things Lelouch has lost is his place as head of the household, what he considered his respect and rightful place. Indeed, a loss in respect is one of the most acute things Kallen has suffered, and one can contrast how much agency Lelouch and Kallen have both lost. However, there are not in my estimation any two more irrepressible characters that I have written, and I do not doubt that they will poke their heads back into the sport sooner rather than later. In any case, I'd like to thank Ryder77 for their fantastic review, which has given me tremendous energy, and would encourage you to also review the story as it is so far. I hope to see you again soon.
~Eth0