OK Number 35 - Confessions

With the meeting to take place the day after Ohgi called Kallen back with the excellent news, she had little time to prepare. Having not been able to contact Naoto or get back into her old flat, she had been spending her time in a small studio apartment on the outskirts of Osaka, with very little in the way of organisation, cleaning, or indeed formal clothing. To fly to Britain and select apparel that would not suggest 'last minute panic' was an exercise in timing and haste, eventually forcing her to leave Japan on the early flight and try to combat the inevitable jet lag by sleeping once she arrived. This gave her three hours to clean herself, get new clothes, and get a taxi out to the Camelot head offices in the North Circular of London, arriving through the cities traffic with moments to spare.

After being hushed up an elevator towards the corporate offices, Kallen had a brief moment to breathe after having been rushing about for twelve hours, only for her to realise she couldn't take it. Her whole career depended on the next twenty minutes, and try as she might to relax herself and catch her breath after so long on the go, her chest remained tight and constricted, and so as she walked into the lions den, she carried the stresses and tensions of the last few hours in the centre of her back. Still, she carried it with a stubborn resilience, and held her breath as she entered the meeting room.

Facing her examiners, she observed several immediately. The heads of the firm and racing division, as well as the chief engineer were all present, as well as, sat off to one side, Gino Weinberg in jeans and a frayed shirt, wearing a quiet, knowing smirk. Avoiding a nod in his direction, she instead stood at the door politely with a bad combination of anxiety and suspicious uncertainty.

"Please, sit down."

The instruction came down from the chief engineer, who spoke with a vertical authority that compelled her to sit. She did not dare disobey or deviate from the orders of that voice, as it remained her final lifeline. Sitting down into the plastic seat, placed in a sea of carpet. She felt horribly exposed as she was examined from all angles in an open room, sat at the lone seat in the centre. However, this would be what she had to deal with.

"I will be brief." the manager of the racing division stated bluntly. "One of our two lead drivers has taken it upon himself to leave us at the eleventh hour to sod off back to Australia with his sister Marika to fart about in stock cars, without the common decency of letting us know so we can pick a driver at our leisure. So, we're going through the offers, which includes you, as well as some stiff competition."

"Who else has applied?" Kallen asked, curious as to who the competition was.

"Li Xingke is the leading candidate."

Blinking, Kallen looked aside for a moment, fearing she was stating the obvious before commenting "I'm quicker than Xingke."

"Xingke has quite a bit less baggage." the racing manager explained, trying visibly to phrase the question kindly. He paused at the end to find the better phrasing, before the chief engineer interrupted and more plainly explained that "The sponsors find him a bit him more palatable."

Kallen paused, biting her tongue. Her initial response would have been to bite at that, sardonically pointing out that they were hiring a driver, and not a poster prop, however she was wary of this instinct, and suppressed it. Instead, she nodded, and with a downward gaze replied "I understand that. That is something I need to address, unquestionably, but I understand if that is the bigger factor. However, I feel that not only can I make up for that, but I can beat out Xingke on the track."

Her standoffishness was not put on, as she acknowledged their concerns. That she might face challenges in an interview over her conduct was not only predictable, but due. She had ruined Lelouch's life, and to face some awkward questioning was a small price to pay. As such, it would have been nothing short of callous to not at least recognise it in both form and affect; otherwise, she would not deserve the time of day.

She could not address what she had done if she did not acknowledge it, and she very much wanted to address it. For it to be a semi-permanent presence lingering about her brow, an elephant in the room, without her being able to begin the process of shaking it was the worst possibility.

All she needed to know was what to do.

This earnesty appeared to go over well, as the racing manager commented "Of course, if it were a done deal we would not have invited you. We remain interested in what you can bring to the team if you are able to clear our doubts."

She nodded, as she realised she was shivering. The room was certainly cold, but she also knew that there was a reckoning in the imminent future. If she was able to clear their doubts, that was the modal possibility. Her past would be addressed in full, the elephant would be shot. In one sense, there was a trepidation in the approach to such a task, a fear of the significance of what would have to be trekked through, however in another sense it was relieving that it would all be brought to a head in one setting. It appeared they disliked beating around the bush as much as she did.

In spite of this, it appeared they were content to leave a pin in that topic for a moment, as the chief engineer then asked "So, you say you've got more skill than Xingke on track. What can you bring us on track that he can't?"

"A championship."

Where earlier in her career she might have said that with a half-grin and a cocky tone, she was more severe in her confidence on this occasion. She spoke matter-of-factly, looking up through a Kubrick lens at her interviewers, deadly serious.

So serious in fact, that the racing manager, somewhat taken aback by her certainty, replied "Well that was certainly definitive. Would you care to elaborate?"

Kallen sighed and scratched her hair, before trying to explain her rationale, beginning "With regards to Xingke, or any other driver you want to hire there is a benchmark. You want to win the World Championship, and that means beating Suzaku Kururugi. If your driver cannot beat Kururugi, then this team will not return to titles."

"We don't know if his team is going to make it to the grid." replied one of the corporate heads dismissively, clearly sceptical as to the threat the reigning champion posed.

"If Suzaku has anything to do with it, he'll drag the car to the grid with his teeth." Kallen replied, shaking her head in frustration. "He's tenacious, almost a freak of nature, and even if Rosenberg is no more, he will be snapped up by another team, and he will challenge for wins. He brought a team on the brink of bankruptcy to a title. He'll be back, and if you want to beat him you will need someone who can take him on head to head. Li Xingke is a good driver, but he will never beat Kururugi, and hence you will never win a championship with him so long as Suzaku is within a whiff of a race seat. I can."

Kallen's thesis was firm and persuasive, as she developed an image of Suzaku's implacable nature, observing the interviewers take it in and mull over it. Her points appeared to hit home as they compared her description of Suzaku to what they had seen over the season, scoring podiums consistently and keeping his slower car in the lead of the championship when it mattered to be able to pull through. Indeed, she was so convincing that another corporate character, now appearing quite dismal, asked out of what could almost be described as fear, "Are you sure you can take him on over a season? You've already tried…"

Once again, Kallen drew a contrast between what she might have otherwise said and what she ought to say now. Indeed, her default response may have been to chuckle and reply with something like "I can beat him, trust me."

However, she had worn out what trust she was owed. She would have to earn it back, and so would not be presumptuous in how she addressed them.

"I believe I can. I believe I have the speed, and can match him over a season. He works incredibly hard, but I'd be willing to work every bit as hard to take back the title. Anything he does, I would be willing to do to match him. Whether it's setup work, fitness, or sponsor work, I will match his endeavour, and with a greater natural speed I can outpace him."

"Sounds like you've got it in for him." Gino chuckled, speaking for the first time. Kallen felt her chest fall as she feared Gino's joke might put the interviewers off, however they instead laughed at his joke, before the chief engineer wagged his finger at Gino and cautioned him humourously, however he then turned back and then observed "Certainly, your speed is not in doubt, and if you can follow through on those commitments your capacity to deliver on track then we may well be in a good position. However, we must return to the other element, unfortunate though it may be."

Kallen silently gulped as she anticipated what would follow. She steeled herself for the trial she would not get publicly, not ready but willing.

"Why did you do what you did?"

Even with all her anticipation, hearing the words said aloud still brought about a flinch, her head tilting slightly as she absorbed the question. How did one answer that? She had thought about it for days since meeting Lelouch and still hadn't come up with a satisfying answer. In one sense, that was obvious; there was never going to be a satisfying explanation. Indeed, perhaps it was better that way. That there might be a satisfying rationale for grievous bodily harm in this context was not something that sat well with Kallen. It was not going to ever be justifiable, or, by extension, explainable in a way that did not leave one with the inevitable conclusion that Kallen was an individual with a horrible temper and poor judgement.

Which, as far as Kallen could make out, was a good thing. Not for her, and not in this room as she was trying to convince these people to hire her, but in herself. There was a finality to that conclusion that invited no prospect of prolonged introspection.

However, introspection was not optional here, as she had to try and explain, for lack of a better phrase, what happened.

"I don't want to… frame this as if it was in any way justified. I was just so… livid, so outraged and furious, and so on, I just… I had to get him and show him that… no, he hadn't done anything that deserved it, of course, but I felt he had hit me on purpose, and was just so beside myself. I actually felt like I was going to explode."

She could conjure the scene readily, though its context had dramatically changed. She felt possessed by such a righteous fury, unstoppable and untouchable. Lelouch had, in her eyes, committed a cardinal sin in motorsports and had ruined her championship in one fell swoop, and she was going to show him… show him something. She would sort him out, set him right, show him there were consequences. However, as she imagined herself back in that spit of grass and gravel in the heart of Sao Paulo, it was not any passionate rage that possessed her.

It was horror, and fear. She stood above the bruised body of Lelouch, head more black and red than white, as he lay unconsciously in the off track, bleeding into the grass. As she recalled his form in full resolution, she could only feel a dread at whatever could cause this, only for her to recall it was her. That Kallen who had done it scared her, causing more than a little dissonance as she tried to reconcile that with how she viewed herself. She could, it proved, get so angry that she would do that, which was as far from a comforting thought as one could get.

She had no right to do it, and its impacts, for Lelouch, would continue to unfold until he died, and so in that sense it was not even fair to say it was ever going to be over and done, in the past, or any other similarly comforting phrase. It was as bad as she could conceive, and had no will to attempt to find any excuse for herself. Hopefully the others in the room would appreciate the honesty at the very least.

"There isn't anything I can say that would explain it adequately. I'm horrified even thinking about it, that I would have that in me, and I deserve whatever comes to me as a consequence. Obviously, I hope I can work with you, but I understand if it's too much. I want to get better, more than anything else. I want to improve, to get as far away from that Kallen as I can."

Nodding, the group moved to scribbling on unseen notepads, before the racing manager asked "Have you been to see him in hospital?"

She nodded, remembering the incident well. Swallowing, she described the event slowly, setting the scene with care.

"We were both still in Brazil, I had been in my hotel room for a while and… I don't want to say that what I had done dawned on me, because that minimises what I did but… it's more fair to say the impact did. Partly to Lelouch, but also, I must admit, to myself. I had been fired, my brother had thrown me out and I was quickly growing quite scared, for myself. I went to Lelouch in a foolish attempt to try and explain myself and try to reach some kind of rushed reconciliation. He turned me away, and was right to. I was concerned for myself at the time, hoping that somehow he would stop what was happening. It was probably too early, and all of what had happened had not properly sunk in. I haven't seen him since."

"What do you plan to do about it going forward?"

Kallen shook slightly, before trying to parse an answer together "Well, it's on two fronts. I need to change, and I need to try and… god, I'll never be able to make it up to him but… find some way to reconcile with Lelouch. For the first one, that will require me to do quite a bit more navel gazing, perhaps try to develop good habits to let out some of the heat, and long term try and build up a better attitude and approach, and hopefully cut whatever connections I have those instincts. For Lelouch… it'll never be okay, but I hope if I can see him again, I hope I can convince him I've changed."

"This won't undo what you did or make it okay."

"I wouldn't expect it to. It was horrid, and no amount of recourse will retroactively excuse it. Otherwise his injuries would be horribly cheapened. If it could… wouldn't that be a world to dream of. But I'd hope I can at least make sure it'll never happen again. I'm not owed his forgiveness, but I hope I can earn it."

She ran short of breath towards the end of this explanation a she arrived at the conclusion almost as she said it. It was pure stream of consciousness, and it was only by the grace of God that it was in any way coherent, and hopefully, in some way persuasive. Indeed, the men all busied to their pens with slight nods, which caused Kallen to hope even as her stomach steeled. After a moment, they all took a look at one another before the racing director said "Gino will escort you out while we discuss our thoughts."

She shakily nodded, as the blonde Briton stood up and walked towards the door behind Kallen, who followed him out into the carpeted hallway. Both were silent until they shut the door behind them and were finally alone, at which point Kallen unleashed a restrained breath and hurriedly whispered her many questions across the enclosed space.

"Why did you text me? Thank you so much, you may have saved my bacon. God, did I do okay? Did you have anything to do with this? What do you want?"

Gino began to chuckle, before catching it in its infancy. A serious house on serious earth this was, and given both the gravity of the situation for Kallen, and for the team in the abstract, he realised it might not be appropriate to make light of stress.

"Alright, alright." he explained. "Yes, I texted you. I knew you were looking for a seat, and as soon as I heard Kewell has returning to the Outback from whence he came, I figured that you would want to know about it. Get in early as it were. I didn't make him leave if that's what you're asking, he's just that desperate to get sunburn it seems."

Kallen shook her head, and replied "Yeah, I get that but... why? Why did you think I deserved that seat?"

It was Gino's turn to engage in the muddled head movements, tilting side to side before he settled into a slight nod, as if he was trying to find the words. Eventually, he succeeded, and said "I've seen the real you. I was certainly put off by Brazil, but I've also seen Canada, and Daytona. No one else has, and I know that that is who you really are. No one else was able to speak for those moments, so I thought it was only fair I try and balance it out a bit. I put in a good word for you, reassured them that you've got the potential to move past this mess."

"God I hope so. Cheers…"

Nodding, they were silent again as they waited for the verdict of the managers in the room, who took ten minutes to invite them back inside. Gino returned to the front, while Kallen sat back in the centre as the chief engineer, sat directly in front of Kallen, spoke with gravity.

"This seat is highly desirable. As well as competition from current drivers, it also was up for grabs to our young driver Anya Alstreim, who has been with the firm as a junior partner for three years."

Catching hint of the use of the past tense, Kallen's eyes widened and she leaned forward. Noticing this, the engineer looked down for a moment, before qualifying this statement.

"Of course, your application was not without resistance. You had to assuge our concerns as to your conduct and more importantly your thoughts and feelings as to the matter. Fortunately, providing for several inhibiting factors to be addressed, we feel you have met these and will prove a good fit for our firm. However, there are conditions. Firstly, you will have to meet regularly with our in house psychotherapist."

Nodding, Kallen listened attentively as she awaited the second condition, unsure as to what it could be.

"The second element must be completed by you before we will sign any contract. We will take you onboard for all the races you are permitted to do, and pay your legal fees, if and when they arise, for the incident at Interlagos if, and only if, you can convince Lelouch Lamperouge to forgive you publically. Once we see that, we will prepare a contract for you."

Kallen's heart fell into her stomach as she heard this. There was an impending sense of doom that washed over her as she considered what possible circumstances could lead to Lelouch ever forgiving her publicly, in an open press conference or forum? Inconceivable.

Not for the first time, Kallen had to find a way to make the impossible happen.

How will Kallen get out of this one? It would appear that nothing could get to Lelouch to do something so demeaning so soon after the incident, but Kallen is not the only party at work in this environment. There are other interests in the paddock that may be invested in Kallen and Lelouch, and ultimately the choice on how to proceed may not be theirs. Please leave a review, and I'll see you again soon.

~Eth0