Chapter 4: Earn It

My hands were shaking, so I grabbed onto my thighs, hoping Chibs wouldn't notice the nerves eating me up. He glanced over to me, throwing me a small smile as he turned the club's shitty old sedan into Teller-Morrow. I felt the bottom of my stomach tense up as I was assaulted by the old familiar setting. He hadn't said much about the club or how things had changed yet, so I was confused as to what we were doing here. I thought we were picking up Andy from the so-called child care center. Whatever the fuck that was.

"What are we doing here?" I asked, hoping this was not the surprise whatever-the-fuck they were planning for me. It was 10 o'clock in the morning. All I wanted was more coffee and cigarettes, a good book to read and a corner to curl up in. Maybe throw in a real breakfast, not that fake egg shit from prison, and of course- my son. He parked and turned the car off, lighting a cigarette.

"We've made some changes, taken precautions. We've had a bloody 5 years, Jessie. Shit had to change," he said. I could imagine. I had heard rumblings about all the deaths that had happened while I was gone, people I thought were going to outlive us all. "So after we rebuilt the club house, we turned it into a community center. So the kids and old ladies have a spot for them when we're on the road or doing jobs. Prospects run the shop, clubhouse is a few ways down the road. We don't shit where we eat," he said.

"You became president," I added. There goes the million questions again. Pesky little buggers, seems like they weren't going away. I reached over and took the lit cigarette from between his finger tips, putting in between my lips and drawing a long pull. "I never thought it would end this way. Me, pres. Tig, v.p. Never in a million years." And yet, here we are. Digging a hole, deeper and deeper.

"How has his life been? Gemma and Wendy… how has he been?" I managed to push those words out as I felt my throat tightening. I had pretended like he didn't exist without me for far too long. I looked in the side view mirror at the building behind us, silently freaking out about the now nine year old that was inside. My baby. Well, he was a baby when I left him- 3 years old. Now… he was different. "Good. We made sure of it. He was taken care of, didn't want for anything." I took another pull from the cigarette, my eyes burning from the smokey interior. "Tell me about him. What his days are like."

Chibs cleared his throat, laughing quietly. "School. Plays on the baseball team. Then he usually heads over here, does homework. Lyla makes sure to feed them all a decent dinner. Then he goes home. Shower and bed." I scoffed. "Home? That place isn't a home, Chibs. A kid deserves a real home," I said, feeling guilt. He didn't have a home because of me. "I didn't keep my promise, Jess."

I turned to look at him slowly. Which one? There were so many promises made, too many to count right now. "Chibs, what are you talking about?" He sighed, turning to face me, a sad smile on his face. "I told you I would take him out of Charming, keep him far away from the club." I scoffed, shaking my head. "Why the fuck would you do that?" Like I needed to ask. There it was- the tug of war between the club and his family. "When everything went down with Jax, we moved into his house. I needed to be close by if anything ever happened. So he spends most nights at home with me or at Happy and Vicky's." Shit really had changed. Happy and Vicky were still going at it? Wow. Never thought that man would settle down long enough.

"He's a happy kid. Good kid, does well in school. Has lots of friends. You would be proud of him," he said. But would he be proud of me? I flicked the finished cigarette out of the window and drew in a deep breath, leaning my head against the seat behind me. "How do I do this, Chibs? Just walk back in after 5 years and pretend like nothing's happened? Pretend that I'm not a stranger to this kid?" For the longest, it had been just me and him, and now it was him and this entire world I was no longer a part of.

"A kid never forgets his mother, that love and bond they have. We would never let that happen. Not to you; not after everything," he said. "Does he know I'm coming?" Chibs nodded, motioning behind him. "They all know. Lyla set up a breakfast for you guys. Take some time, feel him out. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen, love. We're gonna give you all the space and support you need." He opened the car door and I followed suit, trailing behind him as he walked into what used to be the clubhouse.

It was well lit and clean, with children sized versions of furniture strewn about. The room froze as I walked in, the several women turning towards me and throwing me small smiles. Prospects standing behind what once used to be the bar, nodding at Chibs. I threw back small smiles, not exactly sure what I should be doing in return. I followed Chibs back towards the kitchen, where the smells of a proper breakfast were wafting about.

Lyla stood at the doorway, turning around throwing me a smile. Damn, that woman hadn't aged a day. "Welcome home," she said, wrapping her arms around me. "Thanks," I said back, my eyes fixated on the table in the kitchen. There he was. My boy. Chibs sat down next to him, running a hand through his hair. "Hey, kiddo," he said, "someone is here to see you."

I don't know how I made it, my legs felt like they were going to give out at any second, my heart was jumping in my chest. But somehow, I was able to cross that great divide between us and hold him in my arms. I wish that hug would have lasted the 5 years I did in prison, but after a few minutes he was pulling away. Probably the lack of air.

And so, I sat at that table, and had a semi-decent breakfast with my boys. In that moment, nothing else mattered. In that moment, there was no fear, no questions, there was nothing and everything at that same moment. I drank in all his mannerisms, how he spoke, how he smiled. I wished I could bottle it up and keep it with me, try to erase the time that had passed between us.

I leaned against the doorway and watched as he ran out of the room, running outside to the playground and playing with the other kids. "Is he safe?" I asked Chibs, my eyes never leaving him. "Aye," he responded, appearing behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. "I wouldn't have it any other way, love."

"What happens next?" I asked, turning to face him, pulling his arms away from me. What did happen next? Did I suddenly become suzy homemaker? Or maybe just the new Gemma? What was expected of me? Fuck, here goes the million questions. "One day at a time, sweetheart." He said, his phone vibrating in his pocket. Chibs reaching down and glanced at the screen, scowling and shoving it back in. "I gotta go," he said, giving me a quick peck on the cheek.

And with that he was gone. Club business. I knew better than to ask, just stepping aside and letting him walk around me. I leaned against the doorway, watching everyone around me. I watched as fully patched members walked in and out, dropping off kids and their old ladies. The faces were new, but the cuts were the same. And in the middle of it all, Lyla was calling the shots.

I watched as they all took their cue from her, waiting on her direction on what needed to be done. She was the new Gemma. Ha, well I'll be damned. Who would've thought the card would fall like that? The porn queen was now the new club queen. I chuckled to myself, as I walked over and sat on a bar stool, a prospect appearing by my side and filling up a cup with coffee.

"How ya doing?" She asked, dropping onto the stool next to me. I lit a cigarette and contemplated the various responses I had for that question. Eh, I'm okay. I'm losing my shit silently. I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing. I woke up this morning and hid in the bathroom, pacing until I tired myself out. I'm fucking great, like Tony the motherfucking tiger. "I'm good. Settling back in." Yep, that one would probably go over best.

Lyla nodded, giving me a small smile. "Well, we're here to help. Whatever you need. We're here for you," she said. Oh, such a sweet girl. Blah. "So this is your gig now, huh?" I asked, seeing as she was fully clothed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that the club diversified. I run this center, Venus manages Caracara now. The prospects handle the garage and the other old ladies take turns running the other businesses- some mom and pop stores, some apartment complexes." My, oh, my. Chibs had been busy. On paper, this club was actually starting to look legit.

"Shit really has changed," I muttered, stubbing my cigarette out. Andy appeared beside me, wrapping his arms around me. God, I could not get over that feeling. "So I told the kids I would take them to an early movie, if you don't mind," Lyla said, hopping off the bar stool. I nodded, looking down at Andy and running a hand through his hair. "Sure, that would be nice," I replied, 3 other children appearing behind him. Piper, Kellie and Kenny. I sighed, genuinely happy to see him surrounded by kids his age- kids who were also growing up in this life. "I can drop you off wherever, on the way to the theater."

I shook my head, holding up a hand. "Na, I'm good. I'll just have one of the prospects drop me off. Give me some time to settle in." I hugged Andy goodbye and watched him walk out with them, a prospect trailing behind them. A short drive later, I found myself in Jax's old house, feeling awkward as fuck. Something about living in a dead man's house that didn't sit right. The fact that Chibs was now his replacement, literally and figuratively.

The house was well maintained. I give Chibs props for that. It was clean and organized, and it actually looked like a home. Pictures lined the walls, toys were in all the corners, and clothes were littering about. It smelled like Chinese food leftovers and Lysol. It smelled like a home. I wandered about, drinking in their life without me. Chibs had managed to pull it all together. Give him a decent life, without me. What would it look like now that I was back?

I stepped inside what I could only assume was Chibs' room- SOA shirts and sweaters laying on the floor. Smelled like him- cigarettes and car grease, a smell I could never get enough of. That smelled like home. I crawled under the covers, drawing them up to my nose, and I inhaled. I don't know how long I laid there for, but I fell asleep, waking to footsteps inside the house. I opened my eyes, not moving, fear causing me to hold my breath. I heard talking and laughter, kids playing. I released my breath, pulling the covers off.

It was time to get this over with. My welcome home celebration. I glanced quickly in the mirror, finger brushing my hair into place and rearranging my clothes. I put on my best fake smile, opening the door and bracing myself. The house was packed with members, their old ladies and their kids. I made my way through the room, saying my hellos and accepting their hugs. As I made my way around, I realized there were a lot of new faces. New prospects, new nomads, and new fully patched members. Seems like things didn't miss a beat in Charming.

I ended up on the couch, drinking a lukewarm beer, while everyone milled around me. I watched as the old ladies threw me small smiles, the look of pity written all over their faces. I grinned and took it, knowing that this was just a phase. I watched as Vicky and Happy sat cuddled up on the opposite couch, laughing to themselves. A pang of jealousy rose in me. When would I be the normal one? Even with the patch on his back and the dirty deeds on his conscious, he still managed a semi-normal relationship- or at least what appeared to be one. Even though I was slightly jealous, I was proud of him and her. Him, for managing to commit to someone. Her, for managing to survive the club. Maybe I could do this after all?

I found myself outside, sitting on an old picnic bench- a cigarette between my fingers and a fifth of whiskey at my feet. "Hello, darling," a southern voice sang behind me. I smiled to myself. Finally, a true friend. I turned, standing up, arms open. "Hello, babygirl," I replied. Venus stood there, a shit-eating grin on her face, as beautiful as ever. We closed the gap between us and embraced. She kissed my cheek softly, brushing back the hair from my face. "Welcome home!"

We sat down on the picnic table, side by side, sharing the cigarette. "It's good to see you," I said, leaning against her and putting my head on her shoulder. "It's finally good to see another fucking real woman around here," she replied. I sighed as we caught up on what had transpired in my absence. How she and Tig made it official. She was living in Charming now, at his apartment, and running Caracara.

"So tell me, what are the rumor mills spinning nowadays? These old ladies keep giving me the glances and I can see them standing in corners talking about me. They all keep clear of me," I said, passing her the whiskey. I watched her glance down at the bottle, drawing in a deep breath before taking a swig. "You know what it means to be the pres' old lady. In general, any old lady. It's a fucking blessing and curse, just like taking a dick in the ass," she responded.

"You've adjusted? Charming isn't so bad, once you get over all the bullshit you seem to always be knee-deep in," I said, lighting another cigarette. She shrugged, staring off into the distance. "It's okay now, I guess. In the beginning they wouldn't even talk to me, still don't I guess. Poor Tiggy, he tries to make it work. Tried to get them to welcome me as one of their own, but they can't see past the giant cock between my legs."

I reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Charming has a habit of chewing people up and spitting them out. Don't take it personal," I said, knowing how hard it is to be the outsider in a town as small as this. She sighed, biting her bottom lip. "I know, I'm an outsider. The club has their brothers, forged from battle and all that other shit they are always up to. The old ladies, they have their code, but I can't be like all those fake bitches in there, hun. I gotta tell you something because if it's one thing I've learned so far from living in Charming, is that secrets always have a way from coming out at the wrong moment." I raised an eyebrow, listening to the sad way she spoke.

"I tell you this, not because you need to react or do anything with this information. But because I'm going to offer you the personal decency the idiots of this town didn't to me," she said. I turned to face her, worried about whatever truth she had in her head. "Venus, what's going on? You're starting to scare me." She sighed, throwing me a soft smile. "The reason they walk around on eggshells around you is because while you were gone Chibs was bedding that Lyla chick. You know- the skinny, perky one. They were playing house all along.."

My heart skipped a beat as I processed what she said. "Apparently, the night you came home, she made a big stink over at the clubhouse. You know- questioning his priorities and shit." My body froze, feeling like the world was spinning around me a 100 miles per hour. So that's why he disappeared all them hours. I reminded myself to breathe, drawing in and out slow breaths. "I know," I whispered back, my voice unsteady. Venus raised an eyebrow, as I blinked back tears. "Prison clause," I said quietly, brushing back tears that had managed to escape.

"What?" I knew that time would go on without me. That men were men, and 5 years was a pretty long time. "The old wives and the club, they have these stupid archaic rules they follow. The prison clause- you're in prison, you can fuck whoever you want to," I answered. Venus scoffed, shaking her head. "I didn't know. They don't fucking talk to me," she said. I laughed, running a hand over my face. "I also guess they didn't tell you that the men think it's okay to fuck anything with a pulse while they are on the road. Just keep that shit out of sight."

She turned to me, her eyebrows scrunched together and scowled. "The fuck they did," she said. I sighed, grabbing the whiskey from her and taking a swig. "I felt bad, you know. I heard about you coming home and he wasn't even there for you. Too busy dealing with that tramp instead of making you feel welcome." I leaned back and laughed, a whole heartedly laugh. Venus watched me, as the laughs became sobs.

She wrapped her strong arms around me and held me, as I clung to her for life. Venus rubbed my back, as I cried softly into her chest. It wasn't the fact that Lyla and Chibs had something going on while I was gone. It was the irony of it all. While I was getting raped by guards and inmates, Chibs was in the loving, tender arms of Lyla. Venus shushed me, whispering positive things into my ear.

When I calmed down, she pulled away from me, brushing back the hair stuck to my forehead. "Come on, sweet darling. Don't let these bitches see you cry. They didn't earn those tears, so don't spill them or people who don't even matter," she said. I smiled, nodding. "You go back in there, you slap a big smile on your face, and let them know that this life ain't finished with you yet."

God, I needed to hear that from someone outside of all of this shit. Someone who wasn't blinded by the lure of the club, the lure of belonging to the cult that Charming was. "Thank you," I said, drawing in a deep breath. We went back into the house, her hand on my shoulder, as someone passed me a beer and I chugged it down. I plastered a smile on my face and pretended like the last 5 years hadn't happened.

I had already earned my stripes. It was now their turn.