Chapter 5: Long Gone

I wasn't expecting her visit, but I couldn't deny that I was happy to see her. Wendy showed up that night, a ball cap drawn over her face as she embraced me. "Hi, hun," she said, her arms wrapped around me. "Sorry it took me so long, but I had to wait for the right time." I nodded, stepping aside and letting her enter the house. "Is Chibs here?" She asked quietly, as we sat down on the couch.

"No, he's out on a run," I answered, glancing over at the clock quickly, "he should be back in a couple of hours." The sun hadn't risen yet, so she was safe for now. "I can only stay for a bit, but I had to come see you. Make sure you were okay," Wendy said, shedding the hat and black sweater she was wearing. "How are you?" I asked, eager to hear everything about her new life. She nodded, smiling softly at me.

"Me? I'm good. Getting away from Charming has been… different, but good. The boys love it, playing outside, no more running away or living in fear," she answered. "How are you?" How was I? I was… trying to find my way. Trying to make sense of everything, without hitting the self-destruct button. "I'm okay, trying to adjust to it all. One day at a time, I guess," I replied. She reached over and placed my hands in hers. "I know, it's tough. Trying to get your old life back," she replied.

"Why are you here, Wendy? You're risking everything by being here," I asked. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated her making the trip, but there was a bigger picture at play here. She was charged with raising Thomas and Abel, keeping them away from their father's legacy- the family business. "I couldn't not come see you. At one point in my life, I considered you my best friend. I had to come make sure you were okay, that you survived the club."

I sighed, nodding slowly. "I'm still fighting to stay alive, Wendy. Andy is the only thing keeping me from losing my shit every day, but I owe him 5 years. I owe him the rest of my life, but the urge is still there, you know? Every day, I think about picking up that bottle- whiskey or the pills. Every day, I think about how simple it would be to just walk away from it all." It was true, every time I had a drink, I mentally told myself just one. Even though every time I did, I wanted more.

Wendy reached over and hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek. "You are stronger than you know. You have faced every challenge head on. You may have run every once in a while, but you always came back and handled it. This is not any different," she whispered. I had to admit it, she was right. Even after my encounter with Chibs, I still had doubts lingering in the back of my head. Was it about Lyla? The club? I still thought about where I would go, what I would do. How fast I could get out if I needed to.

"I have to go," she said, standing up and putting her hat back on. I nodded, standing up and walking her to the door. She turned and handed me a piece of paper. "In case things ever get so bad that you decide to run," she said, hugging me again. And with that she was gone. I stood on the steps, long after she had gone, walking up the dark street.

So there was life after Charming, huh?

I sat at the kitchen table, after dropping Andy off at school, a lit cigarette between my lips as I read the newspaper's job ads. I circled a few, some that were below my experience but would probably be okay with hiring a felon. Chibs walked into the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee. He sat across from me, grabbing the newspaper out of my hand and glancing at it.

He raised an eyebrow at me, before digging into his shirt pocket and pulling out his glasses. Chibs slid them on, reading the ads I had circled. "Receptionist? Dental office?" He asked, dropping the newspaper onto the table. "This is beneath you," he said, his glasses disappearing back into his pocket.

I scoffed, pointing at myself. "Did you think Stockton would offer me my old job back?" He shook his head, taking a sip of his coffee. "No, but I'll find something for you. At the garage or the day care, not some place where you're gonna make minimum wage putting up with people's shit," he replied. I shook my head, sliding the newspaper back towards me. "I want the minimum wage job. The one where no one knows who the fuck I am or cares what I spent the last couple of years doing," I said, standing up and pouring myself more coffee.

"Jessie Mae, you need to be in Charming, where I can protect you. Where Andy is," he said. I froze, turning my back to him, and staring out the kitchen window. I fought the urge to tell him to go fuck himself, stretching my neck out and drawing in a deep breath. "I need to do this, Chibs. I need to get out of this house. It reeks… of dirty prospects and unfulfilled dreams."

He stood up and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around me. He placed a soft kiss on my head and sighed. "This is going to be one of those times you won't agree with me, Jess," he whispered, pulling away from me. When I turned, he was sliding into his cut, his lips set in a straight line. "How did you think this was going to play out, me coming home? What are you expecting me to do for the rest of my life?" I asked, genuinely curious to know what it was that he wanted from me.

I sure as hell wasn't expecting to come home to the club and his love affair, but I also didn't know what to expect on the other side. "I don't know," he sighed, sighing, "I guess… just a wife, at home. Have some more kids, something to come home to every night. I'm tired of the loneliness, the quiet. The routine of coming home to nothing. I want you safe, within arm's length."

And there it was… the other shoe. I didn't even get a chance to respond, Chibs walking out of the room, putting an end to our conversation. I heard him rummage through the house, gathering his things, but I didn't follow. I didn't have a response that wouldn't lead to an all out war. I waited until I heard him ride down the street to turn back towards the counter, where I let out a loud scream.

I spent the next couple of days playing the doting wife as I waited for prospective employers to contact me about the recent job applications I had filled out, filling my time with Chibs and Andy. And how I hated it. I was the lovely housewife that Chibs expected me to be, but it was killing me on the inside. Dare I say it? I missed the action of filing and copying, sending meaningless faxes to even more meaningless people. I had exchanged the concrete walls of prison for the ceramic tiles in the kitchen. Fuck my life.

And that's how I ended up on the back porch, chain smoking cigarettes, sneaking sips from the whiskey bottle I had hidden in the dead rosebush. I turned back towards the house as the back door opened, the loud noises inside invading my solitude. Happy stepped towards me, nodding towards the cigarette. "Fifth one tonight. You okay?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

I smirked, turning back towards the darkness, stretching out my neck. How kind of him to notice. "I know it's not my place, but you need to talk to him," he said, quietly standing shoulder to shoulder with me. I nodded, he was right. Even though I had spent the last week pretending everything was okay, the distance between Chibs and me was getting bigger by the hour. I was going through the motions, a fake smile constantly plastered on my face. I wasn't fooling anyone. I was miserable, drowning.

I turned back towards the house, looking inside through the kitchen window. Andy, Chibs and Vicky sat at the table, making faces at their newborn baby, Noelle. "How do you do it? Keep it all together when you're dead inside," I asked, my eyes never leaving them. A quiet moment passed between us before he spoke. "I don't. She does all the heavy lifting. She keeps me coming back, keeps my head afloat when I can't do it anymore," he replied.

And there it was- I couldn't be her. I couldn't give Chibs what he wanted. An obedient wife, a family to come home to. I couldn't be any of that, I was dead inside. "Jess," he said, stepping behind me, his deep voice vibrating within me. "When you left, you were so sure that you wanted this, him. What changed?" My body shook as I let out a sob. "That day you ran into me at the hospital, I was there getting a work up. After everything that happened in there, the prison counselor said it would be best to get checked out," I whispered, my voice breaking.

His fingers laced through mine, offering me some type of comfort as he squeezed gently. I wiped away tears from my face and cleared my throat. "Long story short… I can't have any more kids. Antibiotics for a while, but the damage is done," I said. I drew in a deep breath, turning to face him. "I let it get to me, Happy. All those years, I let them eat away at me, and now I got nothing left to give."

Happy reached out, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly. "You just lost your way, baby girl. You've found your way home before and you will again," he whispered, rubbing my back. We stood there for a few moments, the silent night interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. We parted and turned to find Chibs and Vicky standing in the doorway. Neither looked too happy. "We should head home. The baby is getting fussy," she said, her voice flat.

Happy turned towards me, giving me a small smile, before following Vicky inside the house. Chibs stood there, watching me. At that moment, I felt naked under his stare. I turned away from him, staring up into the night sky, trying to gather what little strength I had left to face him. When I turned to face him, he was gone. Andy tucked into his bed, fast asleep and Chibs was long gone.