Chapter 8: Take Care

I felt the bed shift underneath me and turned to find him sitting on the edge, his head in his hands. I reached out, gently placing my hand on his shoulder. "Chibs," I whispered, tension rolling off of him in waves. He drew in a deep breath, sitting up straight and staring ahead of him.

"You left because I never paid attention, because I was never home. And now, I'm trying to pay attention. Making an effort to come home every night, and you… you still run to him. You don't want this life, you don't want me. So go, get your shit and go. We survived 5 years without you and we'll survivor another 5 more if necessary. But if you stay, this is it. Charming, the club, Andy, me. It's all a package deal. That's the way this is gonna go. You put that ring on your finger and you tell yourself whatever lie you need to hear to get your act together."

I sat up in bed, staring at the empty doorway, his footsteps disappearing into the house. Chibs had thrown down a gauntlet. He had made his position clear. I either got in line or I got gone. I pulled back the sheets and left the warmth of the bed, following him into the kitchen. The bottle I had hidden outside sat on the table, Chibs sitting across from it. I stood in front of him, drawing in slow breaths. "You're drinking. Having quiet conversations in dark corners with him. You doing drugs again? I found empty pill bottles in the garbage can. Back to your old tricks?"

I laughed, picking up the bottle and uncapping it. I took a slow gulp and sighed. "Is this about Happy? Or is this about me?" I said, sarcasm dripping out of my mouth. His bottom lip twitched as he slammed his hand down on the table. "I wish that for once, you would put yourself in my shoes. See the big picture from my point of view. See… how this shit is affecting me," he spat out. I scoffed. "See how it's affecting you? How? When exactly did you show me anything? You just expect me to be this perfect person that I'm not."

"I'm not expecting anything from you other than to be my wife. To be the woman that stood at that alter and made those vows to me," Chibs said. I laughed in response, this time harder, slamming the bottle back onto the table. "Is that what you want? The old me back?"

"Better than whatever the fuck crawled out of that prison," Chibs said, and I believed him. Silence lingered between us and I was having serious bouts of deja vu. I sat across from him, and we locked eyes. "You're not there. You're… pretending to be here, just going along with whatever is set in front of you," he said. I scoffed, laughing slightly.

"You basically told me to either get in line or fuck off. What is it that you want from me exactly?" I said, reaching over and brushing back his collar, revealing the small hickeys linings his neck. "What is it that you want from her?" I added, sitting back in my seat.

I wasn't stupid and the prospects were pretty dumb this time around. I had snuck out a few times and sat parked across from her house whenever he didn't come home. "You seem at home with them. Her kids, her house, her family. Dinner's on the table as soon as you walk through the door. A glass of whiskey and a cigarette waiting for you. And then a good night fuck before you slither your way back home to me."

His eyes dropped, lowering to the table. "If you must know, I'm not doing drugs and I'm not fucking Happy. He's concerned, just like you are. And the drinking, it's under control. A few sips here and there to keep myself busy," I said, before standing up and walking towards the door. I changed my mind before crossing the threshold, turning to face him again.

"I can't be…. her anymore. She's like a ghost haunting me. Every day, I wake up and I have to talk myself into giving a damn. I know I am better than this, Chibs. I know that in this world people come and go, in and out prison, every damn hour, and they somehow manage to get past it. This is the life that I chose when I walked back into Charming. But I can't shake it. I'm depressed. I'm lost. I'm angry. I take the fucking pills and nothing ever happens, nothing ever changes. So I drink here and there. I pretend that I give a damn about everything. I am trying to keep it together long enough to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with myself. With my old life. With you."

I sighed, secretly happy to have said those words. "The pills?" Chibs asked, his eyes finding mine. He wanted the truth, and I was ready to give it to him. "I got prescribed anti-depressants about a year ago, after my suicide attempt. I figured it was easier to just end it all instead of having to sit there and take it, over and over again. So the doc wrote me a nice little prescription that I never took. I figured I deserved every last bit of it. When I got out…. I made the choice to start taking them, for the sake of everyone involved."

Chibs stood up and crossed the distance between us. "Jessie Mae," he whispered, "you should've said something to me. I could've…" I nodded, throwing him a small smile. "There's nothing you could've done that Xanax and shitload of therapy couldn't do." He sighed, wrapping his arms around me. I let him, hiding my face in his chest and drawing in a deep breath.

"I can't be the Lyla or the Gemma in this scenario, Chibs. I'm too damaged. I see you with her, and I see you with Noelle and Andy. I can't give you that," I said against him, my voice cracking as I choked back tears. I grabbed onto his shirt, burrowing myself deeper into him. He held me tighter, running a hand over the back of my head. "There's something I need to tell you," I said, pulling away from him.

I drew in a deep breath, wiping away the tears on my face, before whatever little courage I had left me. "After everything that happened in there…" I cleared my throat, swallowing the wave of anxiety that was starting to rise up inside of me. "I can't have anymore kids. So there, that's everything, Chibs." I dared myself to look up from the floor and face him. There, that was everything. I was insane and barren. I was damned either way.

I could see the sadness in his red rimmed eyes, which was quickly replaced with anger. "So.. if you want to leave, start over somewhere else, with someone less damaged- I understand." There it was. The doubt that was constantly lingering in the back of my head. I should leave before he does. Before he realizes the pile of damaged goods he was married to. A mediocre mother, a felon, an addict that couldn't even manage to fake it long enough to get her shit together. This is what the rest of his like was going to look like.

"Leave?" He said, taking a step back and staring at me angrily. "Leave? Do you think that's a fucking choice?" Chibs scoffed, running a hand through his hair. "Do you think you were the only one that had it tough the last couple of years? Huh?" He exclaimed, walking over to the table and picking up the bottle. He stared at it for a beat, before twisting off the top and taking a long drink.

"Do you know how many friends, brothers, I had to bury. How much blood was spilled at my hands? There were days that I didn't think I would ever come home. All I could think about was what was going to happen to Andy. Days, sleep wouldn't come because I was haunted by everything around me. Nights, I sat up in bed and my hands wouldn't stop shaking, my mind wouldn't stop racing. And all I wanted was my wife, in bed with me. Someone, anyone, to just make it all go away. Yeah, you were in your own personal hell, but so was I," he ranted and raved, waving his arms around wildly.

He slammed the bottle back down on the table and stepped towards me. "So, no, I won't fucking leave," he yelled at me, "Will you?" I shrugged, biting my bottom lip. "I don't want to. This time around, Chibs- it's all on you. Your life, your choice. You know where I stand with everything, I have nothing left to hide, I barely have anything left to give. I'm sorry, for everything- for the last 5 years. Your pain, my pain- it was all because of a decision I made," I said, facing him.

He sighed, running a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, for making you feel like this house is just another prison. For Lyla. She was there for me, for Andy, when we had no one else to turn to. She was…" I laughed, all of it becoming clear to me. "Happy. She was your version of Happy," I said, finishing what he was struggling to say. This was a situation I completely understood.

Chibs nodded, shaking his head softly. "You still haven't answered my question," he said, quietly. I sighed, shaking my head softly. "I don't want to, but I also know from past experiences, that it won't work if it's forced, Chibs. This thing with you and Lyla, me and Charming- it just needs to play itself out, just how me and Happy did, me and you did. Time, we need time."

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then he closed it again, nodding slowly. I took a step towards him, wrapping my arms around him. I nestled my head on his shoulder as he wrapped himself himself around me. For the first time in a long time, I felt at home with him, a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I shut the door quickly behind her and grabbed her by the hair, driving her head first into the top of the desk. Lyla groaned, as she rolled off the desk and fell to the floor, grabbing onto her bloody face. I glanced down to my hands, shaking lightly, as I drew in fast breaths. I closed my eyes, trying to keep the panic attack at bay. When I opened them, I found her staring up at me, her body cowering in fear.

"What was I supposed to do, turn him away?" She cried, quietly. I sighed, dropping down into the desk chair next to her. "Yes. You were supposed to say no. Those are the rules," I said, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a cigarette. Lyla scoffed, coughing and spitting out blood. "I know. Charming is your territory, but I couldn't say no. I couldn't turn him away. I know the rules and I know the consequences for breaking them," she replied.

"You're in love with him," I whispered, taking a pull on the cigarette. Lyla nodded, admitting the truth I already knew. She stood up from the floor, wiping the blood off of her face. I don't even really know why I came here today, I just knew it was something I was supposed to do. Even though I was at odds with

Chibs, I wasn't ready to give up on him yet.

I reached over and offered her the cigarette. She stared at my hand, hesitating before taking it from between my fingers. "Thank you, for taking care of them," I said, owing her at least that. Lyla scoffed, taking a pull from the cigarette. "You have a funny way of showing it," she muttered, sitting down in the chair across from me.

"What would you have done in my place?" I asked, thinking about her marriage to Opie, her history with the club. She shrugged, leaning back in her seat. "The same, or worse," she replied. I nodded before clearing my throat and standing up to head to the door. I stopped and turned back to face her. "Take care of him," I said, before leaving the room. I stood on the other side of the door, drawing in a deep breath.

Take care of him, just how they had all taken care of me.