Chapter 12: Whatever It Takes

I heard the front door open behind me and I pulled the robe around me tighter, a lit cigarette dangling from my lips, as I sat at the kitchen table. Chibs appeared next to me, sighing, and taking a seat across from me. He hung his cut on the chair, and clasped his hands in front of me. I don't know if it was my wet hair or the cold night air coming off of him, but a chill ran through me as I found his eyes.

Chibs glanced down at the hall full glass of whiskey in front of me and raised an eyebrow, nodding slowly. "Seems like I keep missing you," he said, reaching over and taking my cigarette into his fingers. I sighed, leaning back into my chair and crossing my arms across my chest. "You've been busy, in and out of the house, all hours. Andy's been spending a lot time down at the compound."

I sighed, rolling my eyes at him. "Then it seems like you can use all the extra time you seem to have to be following me around, to be with your son," I retorted. I slightly jumped, as Chibs slammed his hand down on the table. I closed my eyes tight, as I drew in a slow breath. "Spare me, Chibs- I really cannot have this discussion right now," I said, shaking my head slowly.

I could feel him starting to wind up as he stood up and glared at me. "I am really trying here, Jessie Mae, to make whatever this is, work. Some how, some way- this shit needs to end. You tell me you can't be the Gemma or the Lyla, but who the fuck can you be? Do you even know who you are?"

No, I fucking don't. "This is the shit Jax struggled with, huh? The wife who one day wanted to be okay with it all, then the next day she was fucking shitting bricks," he exclaimed wildly, running a hand over his face. I just sat there in silence and watched him self-destruct. "I am trying to find the balance, Jessie, between being a decent husband and being an outlaw. And you are just this angry mess every time I see you. And the worst part is that Andy doesn't even know the difference between you being home and you being back in prison."

But in reality, he was the one that was watching me self-destruct. My heart skipped, and my breath hitched in my throat, as I processed that last sentence. I felt my face begin to get hot as I blinked back tears, and drew in short breaths. My hands shook as I pulled the bathrobe as tight as it would go, trying as hard as I could to disappear in front of him. I nodded, struggling to stop the inevitable. I knew the wall was going to crack any minute now, especially after the last few weeks of lies and deceit.

Chibs sat back down at the table, absolutely enraged. "You have nothing to say?" He spat out. Oh, I was trying. I kept opening and closing my mouth over and over again, but no words were coming out. Only images of spending the last few weeks in my pretend relationship with Danny. And the images of working overtime to keep Happy… well happy- the constant reassuring, the small glances here and there. And the images of lying to Chibs and hiding from the club during my secret rendezvous. Oh and let's not forget the guilt- Andy.

"I just need some time," I half-whispered, "to figure shit out." Chibs scoffed, and shook his head slowly. "I don't understand what it is that you need to figure out." I locked eyes with him and at that moment the truth was starting to crawl out from within me, but all that came out was a sob. He sat there, and took every sob that came out. I'm pretty sure he was seconds away from having me committed.

After a few moments, once I had managed to calm down long enough to catch my breath, he spoke again. "There is clearly something I don't know, something I am missing." I looked away, not trusting myself to speak again. "Are you safe? Are you okay?" I nodded, raising my eyes to his. "Do I need to worry?" My eyes went right. "Do you want to talk?" Now they went left, as I shook my head slightly. I do, but telling you what's been going on these last couple of weeks would only make things worse.

Chibs sighed, standing up and slipping back into his cut. He knelt in front of me, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. "I love you. I loved you when you ran away oh so many years ago. I loved you when you came back. I loved you when you got locked up. And I still love you, Jessie Mae, after all of that. You know no matter what, I'll always come if you call."

I watched as he left the room and shut the back door behind him quietly, sealing me in with my deafening thoughts. I reached over and took a sip of the whiskey, my hand still shaky. I cleared my throat, wiping my face. "I forgive you for Jarry," I whispered, finally understanding everything.

Andy stood up from the backyard picnic table and ran over to the swings. He promptly climbed onto one and began to swing himself, singing some generic tv commercial we had seen earlier this morning. I sighed as I watched him, thinking about what was next. "What's wrong?" Happy asked, as he sat down next to me. I leaned my head on his shoulder, my eyes never leaving Andy.

"Nothing and everything," I whispered back. He scoffed and I could only imagine him rolling his eyes at my response. "When do you see him next?" I shrugged, silence becoming my new best friend. What did he care for? He was only making the situation tenser. "Not sure. I've been swamped at work. Been having to stay late most nights." Happy chuckled, shaking his head slowly. "You think I don't know that you've been with him every night. NOT at work."

I peeled my eyes off of Andy and turned to look at him. I found his eyes boring a hole into me. "You may have lost the prospects, but I always know where to look," he said, slowly. I ran a hand nervously over the back of my head and sighed. "All these years, I blamed him. Chibs, for bringing that woman into our lives. For not standing up to the club and saying no. But I never put myself in his shoes, saw how much he was suffering. The guilt of lying to everyone around you, of ruining someone's life. I just hated him, put him through hell over it. And my karma is that now I am him. I am Chibs and Danny is Jarry," I said, my eyes wandering back over to Andy again.

Happy sighed and shifted in his seat. He tapped lightly on the table, drawing my eyes back to him. "This is the same shit we all go through, the pull between the club and our personal lives. This is the messiness that comes with being human- emotions. You need to decide what this is worth to you. Will carrying through with this bring you any peace of mind? Will it help you sleep better at night? If not, drop it."

I scoffed. If it were only so easy to do so. I had thought about it, time and time again. I wanted to walk away, just to avoid the "messiness" of it, but I also needed closure. Deep down, that's what I felt that I needed to move on with my life. "One more time, Happy. I've already laid the foundation, I just need more time," I replied, determined to find Jarry.

"Has he found anything?" Happy asked. I nodded and then shrugged. "Some stuff. I've been stringing him along, dropping hints here and there, and he finally got it. He's curious as to what happened to her, how she could just disappear of the face of the planet, without a trace. He's been making calls to old friends from the academy. Getting bits and pieces about her, finally landed on a cousin outside of town."

Happy nodded, running a hand over his scruff. "And what happens when we find her? What happens to him? To her?" He asked. I sighed, turning back to Andy. "I do whatever it takes." And in that moment- I meant it. I would do whatever it took to get to her. Damned were the ones that stood in my way.