Chapter 13: Sorry

I logged out of my computer, the last email of the day hastily on it's way to some flooring company in town. I sighed, picking up my phone and flipping through the countless notifications I had ignored throughout the day. "Fuck," I whispered, seeing all the text messages I had missed from Chibs. I was late to make dinner for Andy tonight.

In a sad attempt to keep the peace between us, we were alternating nights at home with Andy, and tonight was my night. I sighed, replying back to Chibs that I was sorry and that I was on my way. I was running out of the office and hustling to my car when I heard my phone ping in my back pocket. I grabbed it and scanned the screen, anticipating a barrage of insults from Chibs.

I'M OUT OF TOWN THIS WEEK, BUT I HAVE SOME INFO YOU MIGHT FIND INTERESTING. LET'S MEET UP NEXT WEEK. I FOUND HER.

I stopped in my tracks, my heart pounding in my chest. I gasped, reading Danny's text message over and over again. I drew in a deep breath and I tried to steady my shaking hands as I replied back to him. BE SAFE BABE. SEE YOU SOON.

He fucking found her.

The last time he showed up like this, it flowed right out of me. As he walked into the bedroom, the thuds from his heavy boots echoing off of the walls, I wondered if I was capable of doing it once again. If I could bring even a splash of peace for the coming storm.

It felt all too comfortable, almost automatic to me. Chibs sat down on the edge of the bed, his back to me. He dropped his head into his hands, and I could tell by the way his shoulders shook lightly, that he was crying. I sat up on the bed, making my way towards him, a hand on his shoulder. I waited until it passed and he could finally catch his breath again, his hands wiping away the tears that had escaped.

"I'm sorry… I couldn't go to her like this," he whispered, his voice broken and heavy. I nodded, sitting down next to him, our dimly lit shadows dancing on the walls around us. I watched as he blinked back more tears, struggling to maintain his composure. "It's okay," I whispered, my hand finding his as I intertwined our fingers together. And that's when I saw it- the blood drops.

"Chibs….," I whispered, my eyes following the drops. I reached over and opened his cut, finding more blood on his shirt. His eyes found mine as he blinked. "It couldn't be helped...I'm a fucking monster," he sobbed. I knew deep down how much he suffered every time a life was lost at the expense of the club. "What can I do?" I asked. He reached inside his cut and pulled out a half drunk whiskey bottle.

He pulled his hand away and uncapped the bottle before bringing it to his lips and downing a big gulp. He turned towards me, his hair falling into his eyes. I reached up to push it back and he placed the side of his face into my palm. "Just be… here," he whispered, closing his eyes.

I nodded, rubbing my fingers against his skin gently. "I'm here," I whispered back, and I meant it. Instinct took over, as I kneeled down to remove his boots. He stood up, letting me take his clothes off. Chibs followed me into the bathroom, sliding into the hot bath I had drawn for him.

He lit a cigarette and clutched the bottle to his chest, his eyes closed as he leaned his head back. I stood in the doorway, watching silently, scared for him. What would happen next? Was this the death that broke him? Were the cops waiting for him on the other side of the door? Was I just supposed to pick up where we left all those years ago? Play the dutiful wife?

I broke out of my trance and grabbed his clothes off the bedroom floor. I stood in front of the washing machine a minute later and studied the blood drops on his shirt. I sighed, leaning against the machine and contemplating all of the different scenarios that could've possibly lead to the broken man that was currently in the tub.

A knock on the front door snapped me out of my thoughts. I shoved the clothes into the washing machine and flicked it on before trudging to the front of the house. I reluctantly opened the door and found Tig standing on the doormat. "Hey," he said, his voice quiet. I stepped aside and let him inside, figuring this late night visit was for Chibs.

"How is he?" Tig asked quietly, glancing around the room. He motioned to the kitchen, and walked towards it. I stared at his retreating back, before following him. This visit was for me. "He's…. okay," I said, leaning against the counter and crossing my arms over my chest, not really knowing how much information to divulge.

"He's not and it's okay to tell me the truth," Tig said, sitting on the edge of the kitchen table. I sighed, shaking my head slightly. I knew better than to tell anyone about Chib's current state. Tyler, Chibs, my dad- you never share a club member's pillow talk. "Tig… don't put me in that position. After everything I've done for the club, and vice versa, you know where my loyalties lie," I said. Even though Chibs and I were on the outs, I would protect him no matter what. I took an oath. I was his old lady. I knew the repercussions of opening my mouth.

Tig scoffed, nodding. "Glad to hear that, sister. He needs you right now, you know. He's different since you came home. Not bad, but just different. It's like he knows you will make everything okay, no matter what. Tonight, he acted first and then thought about the consequences later," he said. I clamped my eyes shut and sighed.

"Plausible deniability, Tig," I responded. The less I knew, the better. Tig sighed, stepping away from the table and towards me. "Fix him up. Get him back on the road. He needs this," he said, before leaning in and kissing me on the forehead. I kept my stand and waited until the front door closed behind him before making my way back to Chibs.

He was standing in front of the tub, drying off, when I walked into the room. I walked up to him, grabbing a hand towel from the rack, and standing behind him. I reached up and began drying his hair, knowing that it would relax him. I stepped around him, facing him, and he dropped his head on my shoulder, closing the distance between us.

I felt his arms wrap around me, and he pulled me against his moist body. I combed his hair with my fingers, inhaling the smell of his body wash. It had been a while since I had come into contact with his smell. Every so often, I would stare at the bottle sitting on the bathtub ledge, and wondered if he would ever come back home to use it. And here he was now.

Dripping in despair and drowning in his sadness. And I was loving it- that he chose me. "What did Tig want?" He asked, his head still hidden in the crook of my neck and shoulder. "He wanted to make sure you made it home okay," I replied. He pulled away from me, his eyes finding mine. "And did I?" He asked. I nodded, throwing him a small smile and reaching up to rearrange the hair that had fallen into his eyes. "You always do."

He sighed, throwing me a small smile. "Always, love, I'll always come home to you," he said. But would he? What if tonight had gone differently? Would he be at Lyla's house, in her bed instead? Or did he come because he knew I would hide any evidence of his whereabouts tonight? Did he need a solid alibi- at home with his wife and kid?

He reached out and pulled me towards him, bending down and placing a tender kiss on my lips. I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of him on me. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around him, trying to meld our bodies together.

Maybe it was the stress of living my double life. Maybe it was the fact that this broken man chose me in his time of need. Maybe it was the prescription pills. Maybe it was knowing that I had finally had a chance at getting my hands around Jarry's neck. But at that moment, I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything. I just was.

As we kissed and danced towards the bed, I thought about my entire past with him. My life. That's what Chibs had offered me. I was lost without Tyler. He fixed my broken heart and somewhere along the line I had lost my way. I let the outside world make me forget what I had by my side the entire time. Was Happy a mistake? No. He was…. to this day I can't explain it. The pull that man has on me.

But that didn't matter, not right now at least. I let Chibs pick me up and drop me on the bed, his eyes glazing over my body. "You're still as beautiful as the day I met you behind the bar," he whispered, his hands sliding up and down my thighs. A shiver ran through me, as I arched my back towards him. "I was spinning out so bad at that party. Felt so awkward and nervous to be there, but I needed to see you. I needed your eyes on me," I replied.

Chibs smirked, sighing. He laid between my legs, skimming my stomach with his fingertips. "And now?" He asked, his eyes focused on my face. Yeah, what about now! Right now, I felt at peace. Right now, I wanted to melt into him. Right now, I wanted my forever to be him. "I'm still that girl behind the bar," I whispered, placing my finger under his chin and moving him up my body.

I kissed him deeply, as his hands frantically pushed my underwear down my legs. He slid inside me, filling me. I could feel him pulsate as he thrusted in and out of me, my legs wrapped around his waist. I moaned loudly, my mouth lost in his neck. "I fucking love you, Jessie Mae," he moaned, sliding in and out. He rolled away from me once he had climaxed, and reached over and grabbed my hand in his.

I don't know how long we laid like that, but when I woke up I was nestled into his side, and it felt like the last 5 years hadn't happened. It was like we were in an alternate reality. I slid out from under him, deciding to let him sleep. I quietly made pancakes for breakfast and sat with Andy on the couch, watching the Saturday morning cartoons with him like we were a normal family. A few hours later, I was in the kitchenI cleaning up the dishes when he appeared behind me, his cut back on his shoulders.

"Tig had some interesting things to say," he said, leaning against the counter beside me. I sighed, scrubbing a plate. "He had some interesting questions," I said, rinsing it off. He crossed his arms across his chest and nodded. "I know. He was testing you," he replied. I froze, dropping the pot that was in my hand. "Excuse me?" I exclaimed, turning to face him.

Chibs sucked his teeth and nodded. "After everything, Chibs- everything!" I said to him. He slid two fingers into his pocket, and slid them out slowly. Fuck, I muttered to myself, shaking my head. I grabbed a kitchen towel and began to dry my hands slowly. "After I found this, we had a lot of questions," he said.

I sighed, throwing the towel on the counter and mimicked his current stance. "So you should've just asked," I replied. Chibs nodded, and shrugged his shoulders. "We haven't been able to do much talking since you got out. We yell, we fight, we scream. But we never talk," he said. "We'll we're talking now."

He sighed, staring pensively into the wall across from him. "Patterson? You working with her?" He asked. I chuckled, shaking my head. "I know I should be upset about the fact that you don't trust me enough not to question my loyalty. After everything I've done for this club- lie, steal, murder, I would think you knew were my loyalties lied. With the club. With you. You! Everything I have done and do leads me back to you. I would never do anything to jeopardize you or the club," I said.

"Yeah, just how you took that deal behind my back. You were working with her then," he said, scoffing. I stepped away from the counter, standing directly in front of him. "I did that to protect you and the club, from something I did. It was the least I could do," I said, slowly as if to drive the point home. "So why is she back in Charming after all these years? What does she want?"

I shrugged and chuckled. "What the hell do I know? She kept checking in on me in prison. I figured she just felt bad for me, after everything," I said. Chibs scoffed and threw his hands in the air. "Out of the goodness of her heart!" He exclaimed. I motioned around me, at my half-assed attempt at keeping a clean home. "Hey! I came home. I did my time. And I'm still here. She did nothing for me while I was locked up. She would just show up and she would ask if I was okay."

"That was it? She never asked you for any information about the club?" He asked, stepping closer to me. "She asked and I never answered. I stuck to the script the entire time," I spat out. Why didn't he trust me? After everything, this was what I had earned? I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath, trying to keep my anger in check. We were talking, I kept repeating to myself, knowing fully well that if I didn't try my hardest to not spin out, we would be yelling soon enough.

Chibs nodded, taking a step back to lean against the counter again. "She never left town after Jax. Kept popping up time and time again, making it difficult for us to see Jax's plan through," he muttered, running his hands over his face. "What plan?" I asked, genuinely curious about what had transpired while I was gone.

"To get out of guns. Move the club into legitimate businesses. Stop the blood shed," he said, "It took a lot to sever ties, to get to where we are now." He crossed his arms again and stared at me intently. "I didn't say anything, Chibs. I did my time and I came home. I didn't even entertain her when she came to see me. I think deep down inside she feels guilty about Tara. She's just projecting her shit onto me."

He bit his bottom lip and sighed. "I stopped visiting, because I was scared shitless. Seeing you like that when I went to visit- it broke me. I couldn't close my eyes, all I would see was you lying there bloody. Just like Tara. I was walking around a free man, with my son, my brothers. I had Lyla, Andy, Tig, even Happy. And you- no one."

And there it was, the answer to the question I kept asking myself over and over again. "And now?" I asked, my voice small. Chibs sighed, stepping towards me. He reached over and caressed my face with his hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered, before bending down and placing a soft kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly. By the time I exhaled, he was headed out the door.