OK Number 61 - Crime Of Passion
Kyoto was on the far side of the inward cut of Honshu's south facing shoreline, however the city rail took them straight to the central hub, where they changed from the city rail to the national train line. The three of them were very grave, with very few words being shared over the three hundred and fifty kilometre trip.
At Kyoto, the change over to the urban line saw them traverse the last few kilometres to the hospital, which they shuffled into quietly, with sensitive memories from all parties. Kallen remembered going to Mie University Hospital to see Naoto, Suzaku remembered going to the hospital in Brazil for Lelouch, and now, with Tohdoh having been instrumental to developing Naoto's confidence, they had completed the set.
No one dared to make light of this.
They were expected, and escorted up to the burn ward. Up the elevator, into the corridor on the left hand side towards the south end, back towards the rooms hosting individual patients. There was a sense of foreboding, like they were travelling in slow motion towards a car crash, with the wreck surely resting just beyond view, just past the nurses desk, hidden within the intensive care unit. It was like they were called into a rescue mission in haze and fog; they all knew that somewhere, at some point along their path there would be tragedy, but no matter how deep or how far they plunged, their distance only seemed to increase, drawing out the anticipation, the torture, until the fog began to clear; now all that remained, the last barrier obscuring their sight of the crashed wreck was the curtains surrounding Tohdoh's bed.
They stood at the edge of the curtain, as the nurse, dressed in full medical gear from mouth mask and disposable gloves to the cloth torso covering, with no skin exposed to avoid risk of infection, briefly poked her head in, quietly talking with the man inside, before she drew back out and turned to face the three drivers.
"You can talk, but please do not go in. We do not need further infection."
The three of them nodded, before waiting for Tohdoh to begin the conversation. They could not see him, which according to reports was a very good thing, what with most of his face being charred white, with the entire surface looking as if it were a peeled garlic, visibly pustulous.
Or at least, so they had been told, and neither Kallen or her stomach had any intention of finding out. Fortunately, her mind was taken away from contemplating his wounds as he began to speak, weakly but with authority.
"How are you all? Not hurt too badly I hope."
Kallen looked down very briefly at her hands, before Naoto stepped forward, eagerly trying to reassure his teammate.
"No, not at all."
"Don't lie, it's an ugly habit to get into." Tohdoh replied, not quite loud or harsh enough for a snap, but it was still insistent. "You were in the fire too. You wouldn't be human if you weren't hurt at all."
"Tohdoh, you've been hurt far worse than any of us."
Naoto surely meant well, however his pleading tones earned a groan from beyond the curtain.
"Ach… are you sure? The searing white rot down the length of my chest didn't tip me off. My nerves have been burned to a crisp, my blood vessels cannot even circulate painkillers for gods sake, the veins have been melted. I can't even move."
The reply was venomous. He would have roared if he had the strength, but his frustration had to instead be channelled from volume into a harsh, scathing tone. "But I… I will not… be humiliated. I will not compromise my dignity. That my injuries are more severe is not… do not treat me like a child to be coddled Naoto. Have more respect… please."
There was a pause to catch his breath, before he spoke again, even more softly after he had spoken inaudibly with the nurse.
"Please. I am feeling helpless enough without the three of you fellating me." he continued, calmer now, even if his volume remained level. "Besides, I am not in the cars. The three of you are. Your wellness will be far more relevant than mine."
They all nodded, with Naoto apologetically adding "Of course."
This seemed to placate the double world champion, before his voice turned stern again, simply ordering attention with a confident summoning; "Kallen."
She stood to attention at his authoritative tones, as he continued "Pass your hands through the curtain."
Kallen hesitated, if only for a moment. She had tried to hide her hands as much as possible over the last two races, mostly as a function of preventing the medical officials for noticing their fragile condition and restricting her from driving. However, even beyond this they were ugly things, the memory of not just Hungary, but Brazil. Her hands would always bathe in blood.
However, with Tohdoh as poorly as he was, she could hardly see fit to deny his request, and so removed her thin, lycra gloves, exposing her skin, the colour and texture of bacon, before passing them through, keeping one eye on Suzaku, for whom this was the first time he had seen them in detail. His eyebrows raised, but he was otherwise restrained in his surprise.
Now having a view of Kallen's burns, he sighed, before gathering his words, uncharacteristically sensitive.
"I do not think I am making an overstatement when I say that you are the reason I am alive. It is an Ainu saying, kanto orowa yaku saku no arankep shinep ka isam. Everything that comes from Heaven has a purpose. Kallen…"
If his neck's frontal joints had not been melted and charred, she could imagine him shaking his head, before he continued "Do not hide them. A blacksmiths hands grow rough with use, by putting them on the grindstone and forge. A carpenters skin grows harsh with continued labour. Take pride with your hands, flaunt them. You have used them to save my life, and very likely hold many of countrymen from great mourning. It is perhaps the most noble of wear."
Sensing her moment was over, she nodded, before realising he couldn't see her and then adding a "Thank you", backing away to allow the two others to be spoken to.
"Naoto." Tohdoh began, restoring his authoritative voice. "Doubtless this has been a very emotional time for you."
Naoto nodded, before confirming "It has, but if the team sees me like that, they will all be dispirited. I need… to keep it within, to keep them from compromising their own labour. They have done so much, so much work that any team worth its salt ought to be proud of. I cannot allow my needs to demotivate them, to halt their momentum. I can't be selfish."
Tohdoh let out a hum, while contemplating, however his response did come, as he whispered "Very noble. You are continuing to prove me right to have put you ahead in the team order. Just be sure that you deal with these, even if not necessarily with the team. A therapist, or so on. It is important that your mind is focused entirely."
Naoto nodded, before Tohdoh moved on to the final driver.
"Now. Suzaku. There is a reason I invited you."
All three abled drivers suddenly snapped up at the first mention of Suzaku, and moreover that it was for a reason beyond the sentimental.
"Kallens stint in 2017 was the first indicator to me of this, and Naoto cemented it. My belief that the team needed to back one driver from the outset was flawed. To maximise points, the team needs the two best drivers, rather than the best, and one who is willing to supplement them. Now, Suzaku, I believe you're experiencing a similar situation."
He frowned, as Naoto and Kallen shared a glance.
"After the Japanese Grand Prix, I will be announcing my retirement. I am a relic, in a sport that thrives on the new. That includes new modes of thinking, new energy, a youthful verve. As Naoto has said, the drivers have an outsized impact on a teams culture, particularly prominent ones."
After a pause, where Kallen began to realise what Tohdoh was saying "The culture in Rebellion needs to change. I'm to blame for it being how it had become by the time I left in 2017, and the debacle of 2018 hardly made things more straightforward. What they need right now are two world class drivers who can work together to bring the team forward, put their labours in and get more out together than they would do apart, a non-zero sum game."
Kallen understood, though did not quite agree with Tohdoh's turn. Tohdoh, for as long as he had turned a wheel, been focused like a laser on the World Drivers Championship, however he appeared to have transitioned towards an emphasis on the World Constructors Championship.
The approach to each of these would differ. For the Constructors, where the points garnered up by the two drivers of a team would be added together, you did need two good drivers to each extract the maximum from the car, and the order they finished in didn't matter. However, Tohdoh and indeed Rebellion had historically focused on the Drivers Title, which rewarded the driver with the single most points. To avoid cannibalising points, it was always preferable to arrange so one driver always finished in front of the other in the same order. If one team won ten races, with each driver winning five, and another team won perhaps six, but with only the lead driver winning, and the second driver surrendering position, then the second team would win the Drivers Championship, as it would be six wins to the leading driver for the second team against only five wins to each of the drivers in the first, and if they instead had some structure in place to ensure that one of their drivers took all, or at least most, of the wins, the Drivers Championship would be almost a given.
It was this thinking that had led to Naoto being designated to the second driver role, and indeed Kallen had been designated to it for a time as well. However, now that Tohdoh was out of the team, his tune was changed. Kallen's cynical side would describe this timing as 'convenient'.
"Suzaku, you're the world champion. I can't think of anywhere you belong more than at a team like Rebellion, working with Naoto so you can both score as many points as you can."
Suzaku, looking absolutely flabbergasted having been thoroughly caught off guard, fumbled, stuttering "When… would I start?"
"As I say, I am retiring, and Marrybel was only signed as a temporary replacement." Tohdoh replied. "I assume your contract has a buyout or break clause, you can start tomorrow if you work quickly on the paperwork."
Suzaku's eyes widened as he cottoned on to what Tohdoh was talking about, becoming the last person in the room to realise. He immediately took a few steps back, still moving past the previous night's revelations.
"I can't replace you… I can't… you're a hero to the whole team, I can't live up to that. I haven't earned it, I just… I mean, I had it easy all the way through. Naoto has had to claw and fight his way up by comparison, and he has still made it in spite of that. He… he has so much more natural talent than I do. He was just unlucky to have Rebellion backing you before he broke his legs. If he's even faster than you, a two time world champion, I don't have a chance. Rebellion deserves a faster driver than me."
Kallen was of multiple minds about this whole affair, conflicted with regards to the various moving parts. There was Suzaku's fresh revelations regarding much of what he had assumed about his own ability, both in what had been valuable and what had not been, which no doubt he was still toiling over. This was met by Kallen's respect and belief in his abilities as an influencing factor, and then on top of that was the fact that she wanted Suzaku nowhere near a competitive seat.
It was perhaps a bit cruel, but from a position of pure self-interest, Kallen's greatest threat, the one person she knew could beat her, had for eleven races languished in a team where the danger he presented to her campaign was nixed. She hated that some part of her lizard brain made these calculations, that some part of her was thinking about how to keep the bear asleep, how to keep Suzaku from reaching a seat where he could throw the championship wide open.
She invisibly shook her head. She was wishing misfortune on Suzaku, who she was good friends with, simply because he was a threat to her championship. Some part of her wanted his languishing to continue, some element wanted his misfortunate streak to be long and plentiful, wanted to see his skills kept well out of reach of a car that could get podiums or wins.
It was another vile spot she wanted to just smash, she felt her imagined claws scraping at her brain, that there was some area that was calculating, thinking purely in terms of maximising outcomes for herself, no matter who was hurt. She greatly admired Suzaku, felt she was his friend, and the fact that there was even a neuron, a flake of skin, some cruel remnant of blood in her hands, that seek to get in the way of that, to compromise it for personal gain, made Kallen feel like the most horrible person on the face of the Earth.
She reminded herself of someone. The comparison was not comfortable. However, Kallen's inner monologue was unheard by anyone else, and Naoto, who unlike Kallen was not a vile monster, stepped forward and put a hand on Suzaku's shoulder.
"Suzaku… we went through this yesterday. You are plenty fast." he reassured. "That you had a higher chance of your skills getting a platform doesn't diminish or erase those skills. You didn't accidentally slip and fall on the trophy."
Suzaku look conflicted for a few moments, still having remnants of loyalty to Lelouch, before he shook his head, and excitedly grinned, looking excited.
"Okay…" he nodded. "Okay, let's do this. Hang on, I just need to…"
Suzaku, quite emotional, moved back out to the hallway to clear his head, at which point Kallen, with a jerk of the neck, beckoned her brother into a quiet corner, before speaking insistently.
"Naoto, are you sure about this?" she asked, not quite pleading, but getting there. "Suzaku… I've said it… for so long, he's the one person I know can beat even me, even in my job interview he was the one I was focused on. Regardless of what he says about himself, he is a weapon when you put him behind the wheel of a car. You're at the head of a team for the first time in a career, this is your first chance to make a run at the title, and you're inviting the single most talented driver on the grid in to spoil what should be your party, your reward for having waited so long, for the opportunity to chase a championship. This is your moment you have waited years for, you might never get this chance again. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"It's what's best for the team." he simply affirmed, with a decisive huff. "That's all there is to the matter."
As he resolutely turned away, Kallen let out a silent sigh. Arthur Miller had said that an era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted, and the myth, the final myth, had been broken.
Kallen had always followed in the wake of Naoto, and for her he had always been, at least of the drivers in her era, the one she admired most. Suzaku she knew was the fastest, but Naoto had been the one she looked up to, had always ran from her karting practice to watch, and idolise. She had always held him up, and she would continue to; he had given her anything, and anyone that noble, that selfless, was someone to emulate while out of the car.
But she realised now he would never win a championship.
Putting the team first, trying to help out a friend by getting him a seat, these were not marks of someone who would win a title. They were the hallmarks of a second driver, someone who would not have a single fang exposed on the track. Certainly, while out of the car, selfless kindliness were virtues, but while in a race, while in a fight for a championship, loyalty, camaraderie, niceties, kindness, these were vices.
You had to push for the position ahead. The sorts of psychopaths and adrenalin junkies who thrived in this sport did not have success find them by accident; selfishness, ruthlessness, cunning, an egotistical obsession with success was the only way it could be found in this sport. If you were the Christian motorist, not going for the gap, giving way to a driver who was theoretically faster, or for the good of the team, this sport would not reward such kindliness, seeing it as an exploitable weakness. To succeed, you had to be a bit mad.
And as the saying went, greatness and madness were neighbours.
Kallen quietly acknowledged that her hero, the person who had made all of this possible for her, might be too nice for his own good. Nothing would make her happier than to see him in Brazil, raising the trophy with tears in his eyes, having sealed the title. He had put in the work to deserve it, but to seal the drivers title, the ultimate symbol of a single drivers achievement, not that of a pair of drivers, or a team, but a single driver, you had to put yourself first, mercilessly play things to your own advantage, and inviting in the reigning world champion to your team, ruining what should be your greatest opportunity, Kallen could only wonder what Naoto's thinking was.
But, of course, she knew. He was to Rebellion what Gino was to Camelot; loyal, to such a fault that he would never fight for himself, only ever for the team. He would finish second, not push for the win. He would allow himself to be marginalised, he would wait his turn, and had paid for it; he had finished second in the championship in 2014, religiously sitting on Tohdoh's diffuser and not pushing to try and get ahead, just as Gino had for Cornelia. They never tried to push forward to get ahead, pushed to assert themselves in the team. They were obedient, patiently waiting their turn, passive, not chasing after success in the championship. You had to actively fight, and claw, and scrape for the ultimate prize, to get it at any and all costs.
You had to be clinically insane. Kallen was clinically insane. Suzaku had accomplished incredible feats of dedication and focus, single-minded in his psychotic pursuit of his dream. Tohdoh had made it his mission to shape Rebellion to what would deliver him what he wanted by the sheer force of his personality.
Naoto did not have this edge, this ability to put all else aside and simply race for yourself, greedily getting ahead. Naoto was not cut-throat. In racing, nice guys mightn't finish last, but they did finish second. You had to have a mean streak, a sense of looking after your own, to cement the prize, and Naoto was not that selfish or cruel, something that, in light of all the difficulties Kallen's cruelty had brought, she envied.
Kallen had ruined Lelouch's life, she had gone up and spat in Tohdoh's and Rebellion's face in her first season, and was five feet and seven inches of condensed spite and determination. Kallen did not like it, but she could not deny that she had a vicious mean streak, not just in her violence but in how her mind immediately leapt to considering how Suzaku finally getting some good news in his life could spell disaster for her. Loyalty, empathy, manners, waiting your turn, obedience… these emotions and impulses had to be killed if one was to win. After years of winning championships in karting, F4, F3, and F2, fighting her way up in the cut-throat junior categories, she knew she had killed any semblance of them within herself.
And god, did she miss them, as she reflected on the soulless creature she had become.
I'm sure none of this, reading back perhaps three months after writing this, is in any way a reflection of my mental health at the time. It's quite interesting reading back on it three months later and chuckling at how it reflected the way I thought about myself at the time. Thankfully, the whole 'working through stuff' element does go somewhere, this is a theme that is developed and one that Kallen will discuss with Euphemia, who makes the process of reflection on Kallen's part much easier to write, as I now have a character for Kallen to bounce things off of, rather than the entire development being contained within Kallen's own headspace.
Of course, the in universe manifestation, the earning of that redemption in the real world, moving from "I've learned it was bad to do what I did" to "I've atoned", is a different thing. She put her life on the line at Hungary, and as Naoto pointed out, it wasn't a conscious thing, it was instinctive, it was reflective of Kallen's 'nature', if we might consider such a thing. By contrast, Kallen presently faces a sense of alienation, propensity to suppress emotion to process a lot of what has happened and come to some sort of terms with it. Watch this space.
That's it for now. Please be sure to leave a review if you can, they're really invigorating to read through. By the time I put out the next chapter, I'll have started on E, so I'll take this occasion to say I hope ye are doing really well in your lives, ye are having a great decade so far, and wish ye well going forward.
~G1ll3s