Tori and Tris - Chapter Eighteen - The enemy within
The information about Initiate testing wrenched itself from somewhere deep inside me. And there was the terrible truth of my betrayal of her. I closed my eyes, touched my forehead to hers and I said it straight out, speaking rather quickly, desperate to get the poisonous truth out of mind and my body. "It's not safe to leave the studio. They want you to take the Phase Three Initiate Exam. And I told Four that you are Divergent." I screw my eyes up tight and wait for it. Certain that whatever it is it could not possibly make me feel any worse than I already do. I am so worried about causing Tris more pain, increasing the target on her back.
As it turns out, of course, my information was nothing that Tris had not been long considering; her physical development, the red line, divergence, testing, Dauntless culture, survival. It breaks my heart, as much for her as for Dauntless. How had my beloved family become such a menace, my home such a death trap. Tris was already fully cognisant of the opportunity the attack upon her provided the alliance. She laid it out in her usual style; don't take the test - become Factionless; take the test and fail - Factionless. Divergence is detected - they will kill her; if she passes - they will kill her.
As if that isn't dire enough. I couldn't let it go until I was sure that she understood that I had betrayed her. I couldn't go on with that unspoken secret between us. "I heard you," she replied. "You're not not furious?" I asked amazed. "Rocks and hard places," she shrugs, "I need the Alliance, the Alliance needs me. If my divergence is discovered - the Alliance is dead in the water." "Could you hear me and Four?" I asked dumbfounded, but I knew we had barely spoken at all. "No, but it's not news, is it? Now if we are done here..." she pulls me to her for a series of wonderful kisses.
I thought she had been asleep, it was the early hours of the morning when I heard her speaking very softly, almost regretfully she asked, "Have you ever thought of leaving?" I knew then that Tris was considering fleeing Dauntless. Have I? I sigh and roll onto my side to face her, I take her hand and kiss and caress her fingers. She is impossibly young. She is beautiful, and strong despite her injuries - and will be stronger yet, because of them. If this is all I ever share with Tris it will be more than enough. My love for her overfills my heart.
"The problem isn't geographical. My enemy is tyranny. My only weapon is resistance. And, when the tyranny within Dauntless is resolved, I will then turn my attention to the tyranny of Chicago." She watches me, weighing my words. "But that is not all on you, Tori, what about you? What do you want?" "What do you mean," I ask, not comprehending. "If I had stayed in Abnegation," she doesn't say "as you advised" but I hear it reverberating around my psyche, regardless. "I would have been married by now, more or less. I would have been considered to have exercised my life's purpose. No one would have ever asked me 'what about you?' People would assume that I was happy, never wishing to be anywhere else. Anyone else. But you, Tori, you are free, as free as any of us will ever be. Don't you want something, between the resisting - something just for you?"
"No, Tris." I shake my head. "I am only ever as free as the most oppressed of us. It is the character of tyranny to be increasingly rapacious. Wherever I am, whatever the conditions of my life - while soever I live - tyranny is always at my heels. Directly or indirectly. I understand if you want to leave, Tris, I cannot pretend that the danger you face is not very real, urgent even. Neither can I be sure that I have more time than you, Tris, but I feel compelled, everyday, to resist. To participate in activities that make it possible for others to resist. If my time is over already, I hope I have left something - a little light in this darkness for those who come after."
"Oh, Tori," Tris cries out her eyes wet with tears, takes my face and says "I love you so very much, Tori." In a moment she is kissing me, passionately, her hands desperately searching for me. I return her embrace, following her lead as she begins to rid us of our clothes, we kick off the covers both keen to remove everything that prevented us from achieving the kind of closeness we desire, that we need. I am confident that Tris doesn't anticipate feeling the cold. She slides her leg over mine and drags my body ever closer, our breasts are pressed against each other, our tongues are ardently teasing each other and I don't even notice when our bodies start moving together in that age old rhythm of pleasure and passion.
I untangle my fingers from her hair and slide them down her arm to her waist and back up her stomach to her breast. I cup it, firmly and seek out her nipple, thoroughly enjoying the sounds escaping her throat. She follows my lead and begins touching me as well, she becomes fascinated by the cause and effect relationship between her movements and my responses. I lower my hands to her buttocks and pull her to me so that our secret places are in direct contact, my desire is unmistakable but I know this is Tris' first time and I am compelled to seek consent. "Tris? There is no rush -" She stops kissing me only long enough to confirm, "oh, yes there is."
I roll the pair of us over carefully trying to protect her ribs, and lay Tris on her back, I part her thighs with my knee and slide my wetness onto hers, and I hear her obvious pleasure. I take it very slowly, and try to make Tris take it slowly too, I distract her by kissing her ear, down her neck, across her throat. I tease her nipples, one between my lips and the other between my fingers and Tris is no longer able to bide her time, no longer willing to postpone her climax. She grabs my jaw, none too gently either, she eyeballs me "Tori, stop fucking around" she rasps and I give her what she wants. I kiss her deeply and ride her clit thoroughly and as I feel her explode, I let go too - I am barely conscious but I manage to fall beside her rather than on top of her.
Neither of us can move, I can only just manage to shift my hand several inches to touch hers. We laid there beside each other; holding hands, naked, spent, panting, glowing. Rendering Tris unable to think or speak is a very great compliment. After several minutes I notice she has goosebumps so I kiss her shoulder, haul myself up and cover her with the sheet, and all the blankets she was accustomed to sleeping with. "Come in?" she pleaded, but I knew I couldn't last 30 seconds in that broiling nest, so I tucked all the blankets in around her tightly and snuggle up to her form, and laid my arm over the top.
When I think she has nodded off, I roll on to my back, Tris rolls immediately into my side, head on my shoulder and her arm around my waist. I hold her, combing back her hair, I kiss her forehead, and whisper "and I love you, so very much, Tris Prior." I was drifting off to sleep feeling tingly in all the right places and relishing sleeping with no clothes on when I recalled the words Tris had used during our tryst. She had said "Tori, stop fucking around," I grinned broadly. I had never heard her use strong language before - I am equal parts amused and aroused, squeezing my thighs I allow myself to drift off to sleep.
I woke feeling supremely joyful and energised with a renewed sense of purpose; I attribute the first with making love with Tris and the second to my rousing speech about resistance. I showered thoroughly, even scrubbing the bottom of my feet! I set the kettle to boil, opened the windows and pulled on knickers and a bra - happy that the long days of constantly being overdressed are a thing of the past.
I began picking up and putting away not only all the things I had dragged out and flung around yesterday, but the bits and pieces that had accumulated as a result of two people cohabiting in a small space, Luka's delivery and to be fair - all the shit I have clearly collected and failed to give an appropriate home. I brew the coffee, leaving one by Tris with a kiss on the lips, she was apparently reluctant to admit that last night had been replaced by this morning. I sincerely hope that that is, at least, in small part due to me.