Chapter Twenty two - In the balance
I woke early to find that Tris and I had turned over in the night, as though we were one unit. Where I had been at her back with an arm over her, she was now at mine with and hand holding my breast. I was aware of the enormous mound of blankets on top of her, Tris was like a turtle with a soft shell. Conversely, I could sleep naked all year round with nothing but a sheet - except for only the very coldest nights, where I covered my nakedness with only one extra blanket, even then I would often have to stick out a foot.
"You're awake?" I was surprised to hear her voice, revealing that Tris is also awake, I raised her fingers to my lips and replaced them to my breast. "What are you thinking?" she asks me. I had woken up somehow still halfway through the thought I hadn't finished the night before, it was unclear, the harder I tried to recall it, the more elusive it became. I was vaguely aware of its essence and I knew it was somehow connected to something to do with Eric.
I rolled over, pressing myself right into Tris' body, I tucked my face into the crook of her neck, I pulled her arms around me and tucked my legs right up so that I became a small round figure. I wasn't upset or sad, I just wanted to feel completely wrapped up, taken care of, comforted. Tris drags a sheet over me, gathering my hair away from my face, stroking my back and arms with soft hands and long caresses, she kisses my forehead and it feels so delicious. If my mind was less busy I can imagine myself drifting back off to sleep.
After several long moments, It clicked. It seemed to me that the Alliance had been employing covert tactics which had somehow contributed to the conditions that allowed our enemies to survive and thrive, employing the use of increasingly overt tactics against us. That an attempted murder had occurred in a public place and instead of loudly demanding justice - I had disappeared. Withdrawn my light and allowed their expanded darkness to flourish. No, I was not upset, I was not even angry. I was coming to a strategy, but I would need help.
Pulling back, I said "Here it is," Tris smiled at my opening, like me, she was also gratified to find that our relationship was evolving under the principles of respect, equality and genuine partnership. She sat up cross legged, pulling the blankets around her shoulders and adopted a sort of conspiratorial attitude, but I knew she wasn't making fun of me. My thoughts spilled out of me, I told her about the power of legions, and the covert tactics which inadvertently enabled such tyranny. I was hardly distracted by Tris when she leaned over to ferret out the tobacco pouch, she opened it to find a number of already rolled ciggies, she lit one, grimaced and handed it over.
I also tried to communicate my thoughts about Eric, I told her about his menacing threat, of which Tris had already been made aware. This line of my thinking had yet to be completely formulated but something was nagging away at me. I repeated my response so that Tris could understand exactly; "I can, of course, be replaced, just another happy little cog in the Dauntless machine. However, don't get too close," cough cough, "it's entirely possible I could still make you, unwell."
Eric is a dangerous psychopath, no doubt, but also a replaceable cog, not to say that I feel sorry for him but perhaps that my resistance needs to be refocused on the machinery of tyranny rather than its replaceable administrators. Yes, I hate him, I want to silence him. But, I draw the line at violence except in self defence - and that thought brings its own complications, for example; he publicly threatened to replace me - permanently. I understand that as a threat to life, do I defend myself now or wait until the knife is at my back?
Tris allowed me to get to the end of my series of thoughts but refused to let me go further. "Darling," she called me softly, tucking my hair behind my ear, "This can't all be resolved this morning. And Tori, this can't all be resolved by you, nor should it be." "What do you mean?" I asked. "In the same way that Eric can not be the problem - you can not be the solution." I didn't fully understand but I thought I might in time. "You called me darling." I said, "Darling," she said again kissing my cheek.
"Like you, I haven't completed my thought process, but intuitively, I think the solution is something to do with balance. Tyranny isn't an independent entity that arrived to live among us, that can be rooted out. It's an expression of the human condition, and so the solution might need to address that rather than individuals and structures. I don't know... that requires more thinking." Tris was so clever, so logical and articulate, even I can almost follow her.
She continued, "But I've been giving this thought more time; the point of resisting tyranny seems to be lifting oppression and encouraging personal freedom. For what? So that people can, I don't know, get married, have babies, take jobs they enjoy, paint a picture, plant some flowers? If we are 'preserving the tradition for the coming generations', as you say, then maybe we should get married and plant some flowers too."