Chapter Twenty Six - Can't Deal, Won't Deal
I wish I were dead. I want to run until I stop existing, just evaporate, taking all this unpleasantness with it. It's pure fantasy of course, not a bad place to go when reality sucks. I lay face down on the bed and I've been lying here for a good long while. The only thing I can manage to do right now to keep breathing and keep that large, hot and very ugly something from getting out from behind my sternum. I think it is sadness but it may be rage. I am certain that I do not want to think right now, I don't really want to breathe either but until I am certain, I must continue. Even though Four is dead. Four is dead. Dead, dead… The thought echoes around the empty chamber of my mind and I just lay here, breathing.
At some point I hear the front door open and close, Tris is home. The beast in my chest reacts very queerly and I am starting to panic. Just keep breathing baby, I soothe myself, just keep breathing. She is putting down her bag by the door, taking off her coat. She fills the kettle and puts it on to boil. I feel her approaching and it's trying to get out, it's ok, little one, hold on. I drag my hand to my head, it's as heavy as lead, all I can manage is to rub my scalp with my thumb, repeatedly stroking my head, it's ok, baby, keep breathing. It's something I haven't had the need to do for a very long time. Just hold on, keep breathing.
Sitting on the edge of the bed Tris takes off her boots, then she takes off mine and carefully climbs on top of me, covering my whole body with hers in a huge body hug. Keep breathing, there's a good girl, it's going to be ok. I would pay good money now to have her beat me to within an inch of my life, I suspect she knows this too, a sound beating would give me a different sort of pain, a more acceptable pain and anything would be better than this. Her tenderness serves to underscore this terrible, horrible feeling inside of me. All I can do is keep moving my thumb and telling myself to hold on.
She is strong now, Tris. Her body is heavy with muscle, no longer the gangly, skinny, knobbly kneed girl she was, she could have blown away in a strong gust of wind back then. She gives me all of her weight, slowly, deliberately. She is showing me she understands me, she is providing me with her strength, demonstrating that she can take care of me, that she is taking care of me. She knows one kind word, one sweet gesture and I will lose my shit. I don't think either of us really knows what that would entail but neither of us care to find out.
I can't respond, but I am grateful. I just lay there, breathing, waiting for the next thing, whatever that is, it's all I can manage. The beast is calmer after a while I notice, also I have stopped rubbing my head. Maybe that's the next thing? Well it's something. After a while Tris raises her body from mine, replaces her weight and warmth with a blanket and prepares the tea. Not knowing what I want, she places a tray with some fruit, wine, tea and tobacco on her side of the bed where I can see and reach it. Id really like to ingest some fucking strong drugs, pass out and wake up yesterday when my friend was still alive.
That was a mistake, to think of Four, to see his beautiful face. The beast is stirring but not in the same terrified and terrifying way as earlier, now it's like he is too big for his cage and wants out. I roll over ignoring the tray, I take off all my clothes while I am still lying down, I don't even push them onto the floor. I pull the sheet up over my head and lay there, unmoving, forever. After a while Tris takes the tray to the recliner and consumes the contents herself, yes even a smoke, she does that from time to time, she started out lighting mine and I guess she came to like it. I can see her in my mind, with her long legs hanging over the arm of the seat, watching the trees beyond the window, occasionally glancing over at me.
When she comes to bed she doesn't try to hold me as is our habit, she places her back against mine and tries to keep her blankets on her side. She is letting me know she is here for me, that she doesn't require anything from me, not even acknowledgement. Neither of us sleep well, she is grieving for Four as well. She knows more than I do about the circumstances and that is very likely playing on her mind too, but I just cannot go there. At some point I say "I would like his coat." I feel her hand reach around behind her and come to rest on my thigh.
I feel Tris raise herself, turn to look at me, place a kiss on my shoulder and rise from the bed. It must be morning, I don't move and the sheet is still over my head. This will be the first full day of my life without Four and I do not want it. The beast seems to roll over and press his powerful limbs against the bars of his cage, as though they might just pop out. What would he even do if he was free?
Tris takes a shower, makes me coffee and rather than heading over to the compound she begins working out on the training mats that run along the windows. She warms up, stretching her muscles in a combination of gymnastic, yoga, tai chi and whatever else mongrel moves we have introduced to our routine over time, and probably mangled. Even I notice the uncharacteristic cynical flavour of that little speech. I have to pee but I don't want to move, I want to change the sheets even less, so I go.
I have never not said good morning to Tris, never not smiled or kissed her or touched her. I do not want to start now but somehow I just can't. I am sitting there, finished, knowing that if I leave this room and walk past her without acknowledging her, it will be the first time. Wow, this really is a day of painful fucking firsts. The best I can do is stand in front of her with my eyes closed and she does the rest, thank god. She reaches up and with both hands pushes all my considerable hair back from my face, brushes her thumbs along my face and hugs me, not too tight, I can't bear to feel constrained. Then she lets me go before I feel the need to break free. Thank you, god, if there is one. I drink the coffee down in two or three gulps and climb back into bed pulling the sheet over my face.
I must have been asleep because I wake to the sound of the door clicking shut. Tris is putting down her bag and taking off her coat and I can feel her approaching to check on me. She is laying something over me, she knows I hate blankets, I don't move, the beast and I are curious but not disturbed. When I am sure she is busy, I peel the sheet down a little and see that Tris has laid Four's coat over me. I am so devastated that I can't even respond, not a cry, not a tear, not a tight little smile. A huge desolate wasteland of grief opens up inside and I wonder how I will ever contain it all. I pull it under the sheet with me and after holding it to me for a long while, I put it on, covering all three of us with the sheet; me, the coat and the beast. I wish it was an invisibility sheet, one that could hide me from the world and hide this terrible pain from me.
In the evening I slip out of bed and onto Tris' lap as she is reading in the recliner. I can't look at her and I can't speak, I curl up on her lap, bury my face in her neck and I put her hand on my head, still wearing Four's coat. Four's coat. It is all I will ever have of him, forever. I will never see him again. And it begins, the painful, lonely swell of grief. Like a tidal wave it just swells up inside of me, collecting everything in its path, swirling it all together in a huge momentous tide of emotion that can no longer be contained. It spills over my borders, washes away my boundaries, uproots everything I thought was solid and fundamental.
One moment I thought I could never cry again and then next I wondered how I would ever stop. Tris holds me loosely, her fingernails scratching my scalp, it's really lovely but it's not quite enough to comfort me, I have to snake one hand up the sleeve of Four's coat and pat my arm with my thumb, its ok, keep breathing baby, you are doing really well, this will pass, keep breathing. I more or less cry myself to sleep and Tris puts me to bed, coat and all and covers us with the sheet.
I feel a little better in the morning and that makes me feel worse. Yesterday I had been sucker punched and couldn't get up off the mats, today I feel like I might just swing back. The beast has been tamed, no longer in charge, no longer a threat by virtue of my presence. I am back, certainly not whole, but not as broken as I was. This morning I kissed the back of Tris' neck, I stood and took off Four's coat, on the side wall by the bed hung a picture, I removed it and on its nail, I hung Four's coat. I had a long hot shower and when I finished Tris had made coffee and was waiting for me in the recliner.