Tori and Tris: Chapter Twenty Seven - A piece of me - Part One
I can't leave it alone, I won't. I keep thinking about how close we came to losing some, one, any of our Initiates last year. I had thought after the assault on Tris that the culture at Dauntless had changed, was changing, but with the murder of Four, I can't believe that it's enough. It's the thought of approaching another Peak Period, of having no safeguard against any of the above reoccuring that is really eating away at me. The injustice, the brutal persecution and oppression, but most of all that I have to do something. But what? I had been grappling with how to end the Tyranny of Dauntless, how to get back to our traditional values and what my role was in all of that. What was my responsibility and what was right to do?
And then I fell in love with Tris Prior and I wanted to believe that I could have both; an authentic Dauntless and Tris. I thought I did have it, but since the death of Four I no longer think it is possible. I am consumed with making things right, personally. And if I can't make them right through legitimate democratic means I think I am just going to kill them. All. Max, Eric, hell even fucking Jeanine Matthews, if I have to. She is banging on about Divergents like its a state crisis while ignoring the very real crisis we have right here in Dauntless. Tris, being Divergent, is no threat to anyone, let alone the state; I will protect and defend her as I would any other citizen and because she is mine.
This is changing me, I know it is. Everyday I persist is another day Tris loses the Tori she fell in love with. I bear the thought of losing her more easily than I do hurting her, but both are killing me. What choice do I have? Ok yes, I can choose not to assassinate people, that's a given. But surely I have a right to defend myself and a responsibility to defend others? Or is that the same argument used by every murdering son of a bitch, psychopathic lunatic despot? It starts with pretending I am the victim and ends with me taking over the world leaving millions of corpses, wondering why people can't see I had no choice?
I would have liked to have seen Four running the whole training program, overseeing Phases 1, 2 and 3, and final testing. He would have hand picked his trainers and assessors, those who would have ensured that training was maintained at the highest standards and that our initiates were supported. No guesses why he was taken out. I had secretly hoped, too, that we could find a way to obscure divergent results to protect Divergent members from the notice of gen pop and the admin of Chicago. Key people would look the other way because any discussion of Divergents would bring down serious Chicago flavoured heat. Then we would be fighting both the state and those who would wish to return Dauntless to its recent tyranny.
Which brings me to Eric. Always just around the corner, when he isn't watching and waiting for an opportunity, he is creating them, like Four. He wants to be top dog at Dauntless with all of us running scared every time he takes an in breath. Directly or indirectly he and his are responsible for Four, same goes for the assault on Tris and all the initiates he has and will continue to abuse and make factionless. He is obsessive in his hatred of Tris because she got out from under his thumb, avoided his plan to make her factionless and survived when he wanted her dead. He has taken it personally and I can't blame him, because I have taken his moves very fucking personally too.
Perhaps he suspects that Tris is Divergent, it's hard to know, but he cannot prove it. Any alliance between Eric and Chicago is particularly dangerous as far as Tris is concerned and that's what makes me think he hasn't yet put two and two together. But the penny could drop at any moment. These thoughts always bring me back around to that conversation I had with Tris when she asked me if I had ever considered leaving Dauntless. Back then my answer was an easy no, now things seem more complicated.
Back then I thought I understood my enemy and trusted the weapon at my disposal. This time around there are more enemies, moving battle fronts and looming alliances. There is that, but there is also this; how do I honour my pledge to defend this city and its inhabitants without defending her. Is it still an ordinary act of bravery to defend her even though it has become my heart's desire? I am still a warrior - just tell me where the fight is and I will go!
Tris can tell there is something bubbling away under the surface, she is more observant of me than usual and accepts that I am either a little more sensitive or a little less, as the case may be. I always become a little unbalanced when I'm chewing on something big. Or perhaps I am just unbalanced, a little too black and white, all or nothing. First, how do I fix Dauntless? Second, how do I defend the citizens of Chicago? Third, can I save my relationship with Tris?
Never able to hold things in too long, I finally spill my guts, as ever, Tris is unsurprised. If I am proud of one thing, it is that I have managed to hand the original Dauntless tradition to at least one initiate - Tris shares my passion for Dauntless as deeply and as fiercely as I do. She values physical and mental strength, personal integrity, bravery and defending others. I know she will tell me to do what I must and then she will let me do it.
In typical Tris style she whips off her ring and offers it back to me, when I refuse to take it she tells me to stop trying to end it before she does. Then without pausing she asks me this; If Jeanine Matthews put out a bounty on all Divergents and named Tris Prior specifically, would I leave with her if she asked me to? My answer is not immediate, and that's because it's not a question about love, we both know that I love Tris. As I sort through the answer I realise this is a question of duty - as a Dauntless cop, am I loyal to the state or it's citizens?
Too easy. Oh, she is perfect for me. I have been battling these questions for so long, and here she comes with her strategic, logical, astute mind, able to identify the core issue immediately. I see clearly now what I must do. I look up, my puzzled look fading and I see her watching me, waiting patiently for me to think my way through, confident I will come to the right conclusion. I don't even need to articulate my answer, a cop protects and serves the people first and foremost, no question. And nobody needs to tell Tris.
"Thank you, Tris," I say, feeling immensely relieved. "You can make it up to me," She says, she isn't even smiling, "All this brooding about when you could have just talked to me ages ago, withdrawing from me, this breaking up bullshit. You better believe it, Tori, you're doing some serious penance. I have really fucking missed you." I lean my forehead against hers, "I'm sorry, baby," I whisper, and I am.
I don't know who starts kissing who all I know is that we are clearly so happy to have found each other again. The only thing that matters right now is the removal of every physical barrier that prevents our physical state from reflecting our emotional connection. Complete. When we are naked and stretched out in each others embrace, touching from toes all the way through to our fingers and faces, having hardly drawn a breath, we pause and look into each others eyes. The penny drops. "Jeanine Matthews put out a bounty on all Divergents and named you specifically."
"Stay with me, Tori, you and me, right now, just stay here, with me, please, Tori," she pleads. I haven't moved, I haven't even breathed but my head is a mess. I keep pushing the thoughts back, fighting to stay present, to stay connected, to feel her kisses even though I feel a million miles away. She keeps saying my name, trying to maintain our connection and I keep batting away thoughts, fighting my way to the sound of her voice. I have to kiss her back with my eyes open and finally I manage to clear my mind, I can hear her, I can see her. Where I can feel the pads of her fingers kneading my skin, I turn her fingers so that her nails are making contact, I need to really feel her.