It was quiet in the cave, and that was something new. There was almost always something going on. Music or the boys messing around. Something. But it was quiet.
It was getting to the end of the night, so the boys were becoming more sluggish as the sun began to make its accession. David was practically asleep in his chair, his headphones on and eye half-closed as he stared at one of the walls. David was reading a book on one of the couches, but he hadn't turned the page for a while now. He was just blankly staring at it. Marko was beside Dwayne, his head against his shoulder and his sketchbooks abandoned beside him. Lastly, Paul was sitting in front of the couch I was laying on, and I ran my fingers through his hair. He needed to clean it.
The silence was comfortable, but it was becoming deafening. There still hadn't been any news on the people of the forest, and it was practically eating me alive. I tugged on Paul's hair a bit harder than I meant, and he leaned into my hand. He turned his head a bit, maneuvering so I was holding his cheek.
"Are you okay," he questioned, his voice slow and lower than normal. I nodded, but he didn't seem convinced, so he gingerly climbed onto the couch in front of me. There was barely enough room for us, but he made us fit somehow. "What's wrong?"
I shrugged my shoulders, and he gripped me a bit tighter, burying his head in my neck. "I don't want to go to sleep," I mumbled against him. "I feel like every day we don't figure something out, they're planning something. Maybe if when we go to sleep, they'll plan some more, and then by the next time we leave, they'll be there. Ready. Paul, I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared, and I'm tired of being scared. I keep hearing everything they've told me when I close my eyes. It's all I can think about, and I hate it." My thoughts were spilling out as well as my tears, and I was tired. I was so tired. Too much had happened in the past few weeks. Too much to be okay. Too much to not want everything to end. I couldn't remember the last time I had slept properly. My head was getting to me. My thoughts were an ever-present echo, and it hurt. It hurt more than I could express. "I'm so tired, Paul, but I don't want to sleep."
I cried harder than I had in a while. I cried harder than when I had found my family or when I was bleeding to death. I cried harder than when my mother disowned me, but that felt like so far away. Everything was too fast, too quick. Everything I had known had been taken from me, and I was left feeling empty and tired and sad.
"And I don't want to worry you guys," I began again, "so I try to be tough, and I try to get over it, but sometimes I wish I was back home. Back to my normal, shitty life in fucking Alabama. I wish I was happy again, and as much as I love you guys, I wish I had never met you because my life has gone fucking insane since I moved to Santa Carla. Now, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to repress the feelings I have, but I miss it. I miss it so much that it hurts, and nothing is helping me. And I can't even deny that I haven't thought of just jumping off of that fucking cliff because if I did, I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with them or my family being gone or the constant fear that you all are with me because I'm so weak you think I might break. I scared, and I'm tired, and I feel like I can't breathe, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I walked into your lives and messed it up so bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I could feel Paul crying as well, his tears falling down my shoulder as sobs racked his body as hard as they racked mine. Over two months of pent up anguish fell from me, and I knew he felt it. He had always been so empathetic. I knew he could feel what I felt, and as much as I didn't want him to feel it, it was nice to know that I wasn't alone. I pressed a kiss to his shoulder, and I said an apology again, and again, and again.
The sun was rising even higher, and I could feel the vampire part of me begin to set in. The sunrise was showing through the cave entrance, and I could feel Paul's body slump against mine even more.
"Come on," I whispered to him, my voice hoarse, "let's all go to bed. I want to all be together for the night."
Paul nodded against me and sniffled before standing up on shaky legs and helping me up. The other three were moving as well, and we all silently moved farther back in the cave. David slung his arm around Paul and helped him walk straight, something that was surprising to me as David normally wasn't the one to help anyone when they were crying. Dwayne helped me along, and Marko walked in front of us, leading the way.
We ended up in one of the cave rooms I had been sleeping in. It was one of the only rooms with a good, clean bed, and we all shed most of our clothing before falling on the extremely large bed, limbs tangled in each other. I could feel each of the boys, and I knew they were tangled in each other as well, and I felt at peace. My eyes closed easily from the much-needed cry, and my body relaxed as the others adjusted. I was safe, even if just for a moment, and I was loved.
I was loved.