My head was lonely, when its only inhabitant was me.
It's weird, how I got accustomed to having a piece of a soul inside of my head. It only got weirder when that piece of a soul belonged to Voldemort, feared Dark Lord in the Wizarding World.
I didn't know at first.
The war was over. We lost so many… but even at their funerals, the nagging feeling of something being wrong, something lacking, was ever-present in my mind.
I didn't realise what it was.
I was restless. Always looking around, unconsciously searching for something I never found.
Ron and Hermione told me that Voldemort and his Death Eaters were gone, and that I should try to stop being so paranoid now.
Was I too late in realising it?
I didn't tell anyone about the feeling of wrongness, assuming it was maybe something which was normal after a war. But then the months went and most of us returned to our 8th year. They all seemed ok. No one else than me looked so thoroughly uncomfortable with the utter normality. They shouldn't act so normal. Was I the only one who felt something was off?
Maybe if I had gotten help sooner?
I still felt it. Something wasn't as it should be… I searched and searched. What was wrong with me?
It almost felt like… that I wasn't whole.
That time, it hit me like an epiphany.
I grew up with a horcrux in my mind. My childhood filled with the constant presence of Voldemort's soul. I was never only Harry, but Harry and a little bit of Tom Riddle. And now I had become used to it. Without it, I was only Harry.
Without the little bit of Tom Riddle, I felt lonely.
Suffocating. So suffocating.
Hogwarts was haunted by memories of the Final Battle.
The wall which blew Fred's life away was reconstructed. No debris on the ground. No blood splatters. It looked like any other wall at Hogwarts, and students walked past it like any other wall.
I ended up doing that too on my way.
Ghosts of the past were forgotten and ignored. The first years didn't understand. They hadn't seen it. The carnage, the death… so they acted like normal. And eventually, so did everyone else.
Months went by. I tried to act like everyone else. Act like I too, had returned to normal.
How did they do it? I didn't know, but they hadn't had the soul of a Dark Lord in their head either.
"Harry?" A voice interrupted my thoughts and flickering eyes. I continued walking, and our steps echoed through Hogwarts' walls. "Harry?"
"Hmm?" I replied, turning my head slightly in Hermione's direction. She looked concerned, which wasn't new considering my behaviour the last months.
"Harry." Her voice was firm. I sensed a longer lecture coming. "You don't need to deny it. I know you're not ok. I can see it. So please, Harry…" She stopped and grabbed my arm. I let her stop me. "I know Ron tells you that it'll go over. I know he thinks it will go over with time. But you've been going like this for months! Always looking around you, never fully participating… it's like you're not even here with us!"
Because I'm not. I'm not fully here, because a part of me is dead.
"How will we know it will get better at all with just going on like this? Please Harry. I just want to help you!" She threw me this pleading gaze, full of desperation. It made me want to spill out everything to her, just to get it away. She deserved so much better than a friend like me.
But I couldn't tell her.
I couldn't. Because I knew that if I told her, she would try to make me forgot about it. About him. About me. My missing piece.
Because that probably was the most healthy thing to do, and the most obvious choice to the average person. I knew, however, that I couldn't. It would be like forgetting myself. Forgetting a vital part of my own life. I didn't want to forget… no, I only wanted this glaring feeling of wrongness to go away. And for that to happen, I needed the piece of soul back.
But Voldemort was dead. And with him, his horcrux.
My horcrux.
"I'm fine Hermione," I shot her a smile, which I hoped was convincing enough for her to drop it, "just a bit tired."
She frowned back at me, not looking satisfied with my answer.
I begun walking again. She followed in silence.
Where are you? Where am I?
A storm was raging on. The ceiling in the Great Hall showed the raging wind and dark clouds outside, but even magic couldn't replicate the true nature of a storm.
This was why I found myself sitting on top of the Astronomy tower that Saturday evening. The stone floor was wet with rain. I didn't care. So I sat on the floor, gazing on how the raging storm swayed the trees and created small waves on the Black lake. Everything was in motion, and I was not. As if in the eye of a hurricane.
Ron and Hermione were off somewhere doing… was it some Charms project? I didn't remember. My mind wandered so much these days. I couldn't focus. Sometimes I wondered if the Professors gave me passing grades just because I defeated Voldemort. Because I certainly did not know what we were doing in any of the classes.
Wind blew my hair away. It had become longer, due to me forgetting to cut it. To be honest, I didn't mind it. It hid my face better, from everyone who wanted to stare.
Lightning illuminated the dark clouds in the distance. The following thunder rolled over Hogwarts like a thousand horses galloping over the sky. I closed my eyes, laying my head on the wet rock wall behind me. Breathing in, breathing out: tasting the cold air.
I could almost drown in this feeling. Almost get away from the impression of something lacking. Almost.
Almost almost almost almost… Always just almost...
My fist hit the wall behind me. I screamed out. A hoarse, wretched cry of despair. I didn't notice the throbbing pain in my hand, or how another bolt of lightning illuminated the red blood dripping down from it. My scream disappeared in the sound of the rolling thunder.
"I can't take this…" salty teardrops rolled down my face. "I can't… can't… why did you have to leave?" My fingers left red scratches as I clawed at my face. Looking. Looking for something I never found. Looking for something which wasn't anymore.
I wasn't there. Not me, not me... Where are you? Where am I? What am I supposed to do… who am I who am I who am I without you? Where are you?
Please help me.
The New year rolled by like a creaking Thestral carriage: it was noticed, but most people tuned it out.
I didn't even notice I sat in a carriage.
Hermione got increasingly concerned. She tried to talk to me, include me in conversations. Sometimes, I didn't even reply. I felt guilty, but the feeling drowned in the encompassing loneliness. Everyone else were so far away… monotone colours faded into each other and I didn't manage to see the details without focusing. I didn't felt excited or particularly happy anymore.
A wisp of blonde hair entered my field of vision.
"Hi Harry!" Luna smiled up at me in her usual serene way.
"Luna," I greeted back. My eyes were already flickering away, looking for what which wasn't anymore. Luna's voice brought my attention back.
"Well...you're not really Harry anymore, are you?" She asked. Her smile stayed in place, but a sorrowful edge appeared. Almost pitying. "Harry's gone, at least a part of him. And now you're left here without him. Part of the soul moved on, another part remaining."
"I…" I looked at her, feeling that my surprise at her words were unjustified. If someone would've known my predicament, it would be Luna, after all. "Uh. Yes." I managed to say. What were you supposed to say to something like that anyways?
Luna didn't seem to take any offence to my lacking reply, still smiling. "I'm afraid the nargles didn't tell me what you could do, Part-Harry. But remember that things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect."
Sometimes I wondered if she knew how right she was?
February came, and Hogwarts was suddenly decorated with small pink hearts. Not as bad as my second year with Lockhart, but more than usual. Maybe because they wanted to make up for the harsh regime of the Carrows.
Just after our first class–was it transfiguration we had? Or was it charms? Or was that yesterday? I didn't remember–I received a small red heart-shaped card. I considered just burning it up, but my new reputation of being an apathetic asshold would only grow. I opened it with clumsy fingers. With a flowery script, someone talked about my heroic actions or something, but on the other side was a drawing.
With smooth lines was the final defeat of Voldemort illustrated. His disintegrating form as my spell hit was drawn screaming towards the sky. A peculiar feeling in my chest appeared. It was like a stab to my heart. A painful contraction of my chest. What was this?
After all the months of nothing but loneliness, I almost didn't recognize the emotion. But I did. I wished I hadn't.
Grief.
Grief grief griefgriefgrief so much grief.
When did I mourn the death of Voldemort?
I felt so incomplete, so lonely.
I wonder if I realized that I was far too gone at this point.
Another storm hit Hogwarts in late March. I found myself skipping class just to sit and watch it. Watching dark grey clouds throw out the massive amounts of water.
My mind wandered back to Luna's words.
"Part of my soul has moved on… and another one stayed." I whispered, my voice barely audible over the raging wind and rain. Freezing drops of water hit my face. I didn't mind. Cold was something I still felt. I didn't feel much nowadays.
I felt the burning pain of the knife running down my arms. Again and again...
A tree in the distance succumbed to the wind. I didn't hear it when it hit the ground, the storm drowning the sound.
If a tree falls but no one is around to hear it, does it really make a sound?
Maybe I'm no one. Maybe I'm not there enough, to be considered a person anymore.
On shaky legs, I stood up, supporting myself with the wall. My own breath felt too loud to my own ears. Was I hyperventilating? The world blurred out.
Taking a few steps towards the edge of the tower, I stared down on the ground.
If a tree falls in the forest…
I gripped the stones under my fingers. My finger turned white under the strain.
Will I make a sound when I fall?
Am I whole enough to considered someone?
Will I be reunited… will I feel whole again?
Will this crippling loneliness go away?
A mad grin spread out on my face as I stepped upon the stone edge. With my decision in mind, I felt so free. My mind was clear and the loneliness all but gone.
Free free free
finally free...
The wind blew harshly against my small form. Rain made my clothes stick to my body and hair clinged to my forehead like a desperate man clinging to his unfaithful lover.
The storm sang to me.
Jump, jump with us. Feel the freedom. Fly away from everything with us.
Maybe I was just mad with grief and hallucinating at that point, but I swore I could hear another voice calling out to me too.
Come, come Harry. Us… together once more. You will never be alone again. Come to me… Reunited. Whole. Together.
I took another step.