Caleb is already seated at the table when I enter the dining room. There's nothing but a piece of dry toast on his plate. I can barely look at him; I feel so guilty about what happened last night. In every faction, every family, big brothers are supposed to watch and care for the little ones. All my life I've kept Caleb from crossing the street without looking, shared the chocolate Katherine sometimes brings me from Erudite, made him laugh, and let him beat me at checkers and Parcheesi. Now, it feels like I've lost anything good I built through those smaller acts. If there were ever a time Caleb needed me, it was last night. The last memories he has of me at home will be of my standing there watching as Marcus beat him.
I'm too upset about last night to eat, but I sit in my usual spot across from Caleb. I can't bring myself to say anything for a few minutes. Finally, shame pushes the words "I'm so sorry" out of my mouth.
He shakes his head and doesn't look me in the eye. "Don't apologize. There's nothing you can do about it now."
I press my lips together and look down at the table. If those are the last words Caleb ever says to me, I deserve them.
Marcus comes downstairs at seven-thirty and, like me, doesn't eat breakfast. He doesn't need to ask us if we're ready to leave and he doesn't pretend to care.
All three of us are completely silent as we catch the bus. Caleb exits at the stop for school while Marcus and I ride on toward the Hub. I stare at the backs of the other passengers, letting their chatter fill my ears.
I have to leave for Erudite. I have to. If I am even half as selfish as Marcus always says I am, it's the right choice. Then my thoughts come back to Caleb. I know I could be right to assume that Marcus will continue to treat Caleb better than he treats me. That he is more violent toward me because he can see how I struggle with Abnegation's rigidity and how I think about myself in times I shouldn't. If I'm wrong, however, it might mean Caleb's death instead of mine at Marcus's hands. I could never live with myself if that happened. Marcus thought nothing of beating Caleb to punish me, but would he still feel that anger if I were gone? I think of one of the multiple-choice answers I see on math tests, the ones I'm sure my teachers put there to trip us up: There is insufficient data to formulate an answer.
Maybe the fact that I thought of that sentence is proof enough I should choose Erudite.
I hardly feel the tightness in my legs as I climb the stairs in the Hub with the other Abnegation. Once we're in the auditorium where the Choosing Ceremony is always held, Marcus turns to me. It's too much to hope that he'll say something encouraging, that he'll offer me the nervous smile or the pats on the arm I see the other parents giving their children, but I do for a second anyway.
"Caleb and I will see you at home," he says without a smidgen of doubt, and then he leaves to talk to some of the other council members. His mention of Caleb sends me back to the point of indecision. I watch his back, thinking this is the cruelest he has ever been.
If I am as much like him as I think, I know how to return that cruelty.
Too soon, a Dauntless man steps forward to applause and hollers and begins the ceremony. His words aren't much more than a rush in my ears. Something about making our own decisions, starting lives as adults. Maybe that's true for everyone else. My life, however, has never completely been my own. Decisions have never been mine to make. Not until now. In minutes, Marcus will have no choice but to stand where he is with the other Abnegation and watch me choose Erudite.
Blue and red and black and gray clothing blurs as my classmates choose their factions. I try to count the transfers but lose track somewhere around the Ns. I think someone from Abnegation transfers to Candor, but it might have been Amity. A few take more than the usual three seconds to give their blood and I wonder if they are like me, if their aptitude test didn't give the simple answer they thought it would. Or if they have someone in their lives who holds them back from truly being free to make their decision.
"Eaton, Tobias."
Having skipped breakfast, I feel weightless as I walk toward the bowls. The Dauntless man hands me my knife when my turn comes. It's bright silver under the lights, not unlike the one I was offered in my test. I wish it were Abnegation's turn to lead the Choosing Ceremony this year, because it would put me close enough to Marcus with this knife for me to drive it into his heart. I look at the Erudite bowl, envisioning my blood spiraling through the water as it dissipated. That would put a metaphorical if not a physical knife into Marcus.
But I cannot make that choice.
I love Caleb more than I hate Marcus, and I cannot choose anger and retaliation over love.
Caleb was wrong when he told me at breakfast that there was nothing I could do now. There is one thing. I must go home to him today, tend to his wounds, keep him safe. I will never allow myself to be paralyzed with fear again like I was last night.
I slice the palm of my left hand and hold it over the Abnegation stones. From this point on, I will look ever outward. I will forget myself. I will dedicate myself to a simple life, a life of service, and I will protect Caleb. I will be home every night. Whenever the moment calls for it, I will put myself between him and Marcus. If every day of the rest of my life is selfish, let me have the knowledge that in this moment, I did the only unselfish thing I could think of to save my brother. If Marcus ends my life, so be it, as long as Caleb can have the rest of his in peace.
Blood before faction.
Blood before everything.