Slaughtered and butchered from The Books by Colin Dann
Adapted By Spike Milligan. Jr.
Narrator: Lord Arksefordley who owned the entire state and some parts of Farthing Wood.
"Sped-up Machine Gund sound recording"
Fox: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET BY HIM, WE CAN'T EVEN DISTRACT HIM!
Mr. Pheasant: I don't think there is no other option but to surrender...
Weasel: I've got an idea!
Fox: What is she doing!?
Weasel: *vibratoed* *off-key* Early one morning, just as the sun was rising. I heard a maiden singing from valleys below! Oh, don't deceive me! HOW COULD YOU LOSE A POOR MAIDEN SO!?...
"long silence interrupted by extremely-fast machine gun fire"
Weasel: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...
"creaking followed by loud thud"
Fox: *irritated* Great!... NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE CAN HELP US GET TO THE WHITE DEER PARK FASTER!
Narrator: Later That night The animals decided to find sanctuary in a Church nearby!
"Church bell striking-speeded up and slowed Down"
Narrator: While the animals were resting for the night a the Church, weasel was being nursed for her wounds and brought back to life!
Weasel: *horrified* AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...…
Everyone: SHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Weasel: *frightened* I just had a nightmare!...
Fox: There is nothing to be scared of!...
Narrator: Then it was morning!...
Fox: *yawns* So early?...
Weasel: *snoring* ….No ...No ….NO AHHHHHHH! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!...… GET OFF ME YOU PERVERT!
Fox: Weasel... Weasel!... ….WEASEL!
Weasel: *fully awake* AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Fox: WEASEL IT WAS A JUST A BLOODY DREAM!
Weasel: *horrified* BUT IT FELT SO REAL!
Fox: *Irritated* For goodness's sake, Weasel!
Gran Squirrel: *half-awake* What's all that noise?
Fox: Weasel just had a nightmare, again!...
Narrator: Then…
"choir singing-sped up and slowed down, followed by crying and wailing also sped up and slowed down".
Fox: Oh no, what now!?….
Gran Squirrel: What's all that racket!?
Mrs. Pheasant: Looks like a funeral procession!...
Mr. Pheasant: Looks like we better hide before it's too late!
"Sped up machine gun recording".
Fox: QUICK! IT'S LORD ARSEFORDLY! MAKE A BRACE FOR IT!
Weasel: AAAHHHHHHHHHH!
The Animals: *screaming and panicking"
Badger:*Over record* BRACE FOR IT!
"Battlefield sound record, planes diving, etc.".
Narrator: Later they made it to a motorway!
"Motorway traffic sound record"
Mr. Pheasant: How are we supposed to cross the road?
Gran Squirrel: Aren't you supposed to see if it's safe?
Mrs. Pheasant: No! I am!
"Engineer's YEEEEEEEEEE..., Gradually sped up and slowed down, then fading away"
Gran Squirrel: But ladies aren't supposed to cross the road until the men have made it over!
Mrs. Pheasant: Well, I do!
Gran Squirrel: You don't!...
Mrs. Pheasant: I do!..
Gran Squirrel: You Don't!
Mrs. Pheasant: I do!...
Gran Squirrel: …You don't!
Mrs. Pheasant: ...I do!...
Gran Squirrel: …You don't!
Mrs. Pheasant: I do!...
Gran Squirrel: ...You don't!...
Mrs. Pheasant: I do!...
Gran Squirrel: You don't!
Mrs. Pheasant: I DO!...
Gran Squirrel: You Don't! You don't how to cross the road!
Mrs. Pheasant: …. I do!
Gran Squirrel: ...You don't!
"awkward silence
Gran Squirrel: You don't!..
Mrs Pheasant: IDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDO! IDOKNOWHOWTOCROSSTHEROAD! IDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDO!
Mrs. Pheasant: I'll just cross it anyway!...
"Lorry passing by abruptly"
Mr Pheasant: What happened!?….
Gran Squirrel: No idea?...
Vixen: Oh no!...
Gran Squirrel: Who are you?
Fox: That's a vixen, my new mate!
Gran Squirrel: My last mate died after being struck by a garbage can falling from the air!
Narrator: Later, all the animals made it across the road with the exceptions of an elderly hedgehog couple who spent their last honeymoon here!
Seagoon: Is this the end? Is it over?...
Fox: Wait this isn't the end yet! We haven't got halfway through!
"spade hit"
Fox: OOOOOH!...
Seagoon: As the White Deer Park came into sight they cheered with joy!
*1923 Markles Orchestra record, cut off by explosion*
Weasel: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...
*explosion followed by crash*.
Weasel: *over grams* OWWWWWW!...
*respberry blow*
Vixen: *getting annoyed* *sigh* On second thought let's go somewhere else!...
*whine followed by loud thoud*
Seagoon: That was Vixen getting hit by large carp fallng from the sky!
*The Monkees's "Then i saw her face", cut off by rapsberry blow*
Mr Pheasant: I still can't feel my privates!
Major Bloodnok: TAKE THAT YOU EVIL FIEND!
*whoosh*
Weasel: *over grams* AAAAAAH!...
*crash followed by crashing, glass breaking, items falling and metal clanking*.
Seagoon: That' up for the listener to decide! But those of you who can't see, that was Major Dennis Bloodnok testing his sword against a living wall!
Vixen: Let's just hope that...
"Wallace Greenslade: The BBC presents "Vintage Goons" another ser..."
*explsion*.
Vixen: I don't even know why we even got here?...
Seagoon: QUICK! Put on an Elvis Presley-imitation before Vixen complains about her American De-constipation unit!
*Stan Freberg's "Heartbreak Hotel", then explosion and crahses*
*silence*
*rapsberry blow*
Seagoon: Curses!
*Drunk singing and fighting, yodeling, off-key violin and other weird noises*
Seagoon: Now lets countinue with our story! As the animals of Farthing Wood arrived in White Deer Park it was already occupied!
Blackberry: Oi! I'm trying to poo!
Fox: Finally made it! no More humans, No more danger noe more...
*whine followed by explsion*
Fox: I spoke too soon didn't i?...
Warden Seagoon: *distance* MAKE WAY, MAKE WAY, MAKE WAY!
*parade music sped up and slowed down*
Weasel: *over grams* *off-key* AND I LOVE SINGING TO THE PARADE THAT COMES FROM NOWHERE...
*whine followed by explosion*
Seagoon: Thank you!
Bluebottle: *Weasel sinks slowly into underpants, but has none.*
Seagoon: And now we have Mr Scarface and General Woundwort speaking about certain affairs!
*dogs barking, crashing sounds, fists fighting and battlefied nioses*
Seagoon: Let's listen to other side!
*Thomas the tank engine-theme, sped up and slowed down*
Seagoon: Good night, folks!
*Norwegian folk music, gradually speeding-up*
"Musical End Theme-Max Geldray with Crazy Rythm".