THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
Case Three: The Mystery Meat Mystery
Action Boy arrives, brandishing several bags of food, "I brought lunch! McDumbbell's Foodburgers, still hot off the grill, courtesy of the speed of Mercury!"
Speedboy tears into his bag. "McDumbbell's, eh? That's the new place at the corner of Kenney and Colon?"
BEM nods, "That's them. I always like to try new places."
Fighting American smiles as he lays the food out before him. "That's a fine attitude, young man. And thank you for picking up supplies, Carl."
Goody Rickels wrinkles his nose as he takes a bite. "Urk, and you said this was fresh?" He pushes the food away from him. "Ow!" He rubs his shoulder where Flex Mentallo had poked him.
"Do you know what your problem is, Goody?" Flex Mentallo flexes. "You need a more positive mental attitude." He takes a bite. "Er, on the other hand, in this case you might be right."
Tarantula looks up at the others as he gobbles down his burger. "Is zere some probleem?"
Goody Rickels deposits his lunch back in its carryout bag. "Let me take this back to the lab, and I'll take a closer look."
In the laboratory, Goody Rickels hmmms as he slides a foodburger sample under the microscope. "Well, that's not something I see everyday; not from an American restaurant anyway."
BEM peers over his shoulder. "What do you see?"
Goody Rickels purses his lips. He walks out to the main hall and brings back a copy of the day's newspaper, flipping through until he finds the page he sought. Holding up the headline, 'DOGNAPPERS SOUGHT', he says, "I think we've found the solution to the little mystery of what's been happening to all the pets in town recently."
Action Boy hrms, "Next time, I'm ordering from Pigboy."
Speedboy blinks. "That's ... that's disgusting!"
Fighting American nods, "It certainly is. I think we ought to go and check out their central distributor."
Goody Rickels sighs. "And I'm sure there will be a team of super-villains behind this, just waiting for us. Ow!" He rubs his shoulder where Flex Mentallo had poked him.
"Positive mental attitude!" flexes Flex Mentallo.
That night, the league approaches the rear of the McDumbbell's central building, past the golden arches and the statue of their spokesman, Mr. Clown. Fighting American shines his flashlight towards the door. "We'll have to break in."
Flex Mentallo waves him away. "Not necessary," he flexes. Leaning towards the door, he manipulates his hand muscles with all the power of Muscle Mystery, and the door self-unlocks and falls open. "Voila!"
Action Boy grins, "Impressive!"
As they skulk through the warehouse, they reflexively cover their noses from the stench. "What ... what is that," asks Speedboy.
Fighting American shines his flashlight towards the side of one of the food preparation vats, "I think that answers your question," he exclaims, as the team reads the ingredient list: ARTIFICIAL MUCUS, OLD LETTUCE, SNIPS, SNAILS, PUPPY DOG TAILS.
BEM scowls, "So it's true ... they must be trying to save money by using stolen pets instead of buying it from farmers."
Tarantula folds his arms, and folds his arms, and folds his arms. "Zees is surely ze work of an evil mastermind ... zey shall receive no mercy from ze Tarantula!"
Fighting American notes, "There are still other rooms to this warehouse ... we should check further."
As they investigate the office complex, they come across none other than Mr. Clown himself, dividing up stacks full of cash amongst a group of compatriots. His allies all wear 'Welcome to McDumbbell's, My Name is ... ' badges on their uniforms, identifying them.
"I told you," points Goody Rickels, "It would be our luck: super-villains!"
Mr. Clown is a man in white clownface, with a black evil-looking domino mask, red painted lips and bulbous nose, and red frightwig. He is dressed in a baggy yellow jumpsuit with three big red buttons down the center and frilly green collar and cuffs. On his head is a yellow chef's hat with a big red button in the center.
The Checkered Trashman is a short, squat man with a broad face, slightly pointed ears, shaggy black hair, beard and mustache. He is wearing checkered trousers and heavy black boots. Slung along his chest is a heavy machine gun; in his left hand he carries a large metal trash can.
The Lizard Empress is a woman wearing a long black robe, with a hood which conceals her face. Around her waist is a gold chain belt, and a long gold chain hangs from her shoulders. When she moves around her arms you see plain gold armbands, and coiled around her wrists a long bracelet which has the form of a green snake.
Major Maker is a man with frizzy black hair and mustache, wearing a blue military jacket and cap with major's stripes. On his legs he wears white tights and black shorts and boots.
Mr. Normal is a small bald man with a long slender nose, and beard stubble. He is dressed in a long white robe.
Starchild is a blond toddler in diapers, with something bizarrely sinister and leering in the expression of his eyes and mouth.
Terminato is an unshaven man with black hair, dressed in black breeches, trousers, and shirt, with a black flat-top cowboy hat. He is wearing a brown vest and around his neck is a yellow kerchief.
"Now, now," says Mr. Clown, as the others rise up from their chairs, facing the intruders. "We're just simple entrepreneurs ... "
Action Boy speeds towards them, "We've uncovered your evil ploy, it's time to pay the penalty!" The Checkered Trashman scoops his trash can forward. "Let's be startin' something," he says, as he trips Action Boy into it, up-ending the lad and slamming the lid down.
BEM approaches Starchild. "Come on little one, let me take you home to your parents. Starchild pulls a throwing star from his diaper. "Star time!" he says, hurling it straight for BEM's forehead.
Major Maker says, "I'll use the amazing power of technology to perform a miracle of miniaturization!" He unleashes an oddly shaped hand weapon which he aims at Flex Mentallo, shrinking his opponent down to six inches in height.
Mr. Clown grabs Goody Rickels by the nose. He says, "As for you, I'm going to run your pud through the pickle slicer! Super-villains in-deed!"
Fighting American approaches the Lizard Empress. "It's against my rules to hit a woman," he says, "so I hope you decide to come peaceably." She sighs, and rests her hands on Fighting American's shoulders. A bifurcated tongue flickers out from inside her hood as her bracelet comes alive and slithers around his throat.
Terminato shouts what sounds like a Spanish obscenity, draws his sidearm and fires it at Speedboy, who shouts and ducks out of the way.
Tarantula strides forward, "All you bad guys will find zat nothing weel stand in the way of ze fearless Tarantula! Doer of good! Fighter against no-good! Crusher of evil! Masher of menaces! A nice chap! Ooooh! Let ze criminal hordes dare to show zemselves, I am ready for zem! Zey going to get such a scare ... " Mr. Normal zaps his opponent, "This oughtta keep him quiet!"
Action Boy sets up a system of vibration which shakes him loose from the trash can. The Checkered Trashman begins firing his machine gun at the lad, which his opponent barely dodges.
BEM acks, diving backwards as he sees the weapon departing his opponent's hand. With his triple-human speed he barely manages to escape a fatal blow, though the shuriken lodges itself shallowly, drawing blood. He draws it out and scowls at the toddler, "Someone needs a spanking."
Flex Mentallo runs around, trying to evade Major Maker's stomping boots. He curses his opponent in a little, piping, mickeymouse voice, while the other only laughs. "Ow," says Goody Rickels, "ow ow ow." He gets frantic as Mr. Clown brandishes the pickle slicer, and in a nasal voice he continues, "Well, the burgers weren't that bad ... I tasted worse when I visited Calcutta ... "
Fighting American struggles as the snake increases in size, becoming more like a giant boa constrictor as it wraps around him with its powerful muscles.
Speedboy manages to grab the Checkered Trashman's trash can lid, discarded when Action Boy escaped. He tries to shield himself from Terminato's bullets. "I don't know what you're saying in Spanish," he shouts out, "but it sounds nasty."
Tarantula sits on the floor, holding his head. "Ooooh," he says, then looking around. "Where am I?" he asks, Mr. Normal's zap having ended the hypnotic spell which transformed ordinary Joseph Levitch into the daringly Gallic Tarantula. He suddenly notices the chaos about him. "Ooooh, enough with the violence and the hurting!" he cries out, fleeing the scene. Mr. Normal's hand sparks like lightning, "Now who else needs some illumination?"
Action Boy takes his cue from his ally, grabbing up the Checkered Trashman's metal trash can, and catching the bullets inside it. He advances slowly as his opponent continues firing, maneuvering back and forth to keep the repeated firing in check.
Starchild emits an ear piercing scream of frustration, and draws out another throwing star. BEM leaps at the toddler, catching his wrist. Starchild leans over and begins sucking on BEM's thumb with superhuman force, raising a shout of pain from the teenager.
Flex Mentallo manages to run underneath a table, temporarily safe from Major Maker's attack. He squeaks, "Face the power of Muscle Mystery!" As his opponent scoffs, Flex Mentallo braces himself into a classic pose. "Pump it UP ... unh!" he shouts, bunching his muscles. Major Maker stands agape as Flex begins to increase in size. "Pump it UP ...ung! Pump it UP ... urgh!" Finally, Flex Mentallo stands erect, overturning the table and scattering the villains' ill-gotten gains. Above him shines the classic 'hero halo': HERO OF THE BEACH! "Now, let's try this again, shall we?" he flexes.
"Owww," whines Goody Rickels. He struggles harder as Mr. Clown manages to make a prick in his nose with the pickle slicer. Suddenly, a fleeing Joseph Levitch accidentally manages to thwap Mr. Clown in the face with two of the Tarantula's auxiliary arms, as he makes his way to the door. Surprised, Mr. Clown falls down onto his rear end. Goody Rickels takes advantage of his opponent's weakened condition by performing a body slam. "Gotcha!" Fighting American manages to work himself free of the giant snake, and tosses the creature onto Mr. Normal. "Illuminate this, he shouts. Mr. Normal screams and zaps the boa constrictor, but the creature's brain is too small to affect. The Lizard Empress gives an anguished cry and rushes to defend her creature, hitting Mr. Normal about the head.
Speedboy waits for Terminato to reload, filling the air with Spanish profanity as he does so, and throws the trash can lid unerringly at his opponent, striking him with the force of a freight train.
Action Boy gets closer and closer to the Checkered Trashman, and finally upends his own trash can atop him, only to find it clatter the the ground emptily. He leans down to peer underneath the metal shell, only to be struck on the back of the head by his teleporting opponent's machine gun barrel.
BEM tries to pry Starchild off his thumb, but to no avail. "This will .. hurt you ... more than it does me ... " he says as he tries to whack the toddler against the wall.
Major Maker quickly attempts to recalibrate his weapon, but Flex Mentallo grabs it out of his hand. Placing it beneath one massive pectoral muscle, he flexes mightily, crushing the object. With one massive fingertip he reaches forward, flicking the skinny super-villain in the chin and knocking him out. Looking around, he strides behind the Checkered Trashman who is standing over the stunned Action Boy. "Try that trick with me," he flexes, his rippling abdominal muscles creating a null-teleportational field as he topples his opponent.
Fighting American strides over to BEM and places each of his hands on Starchild's jaw. The toddler whines as his jaws are slowly prised apart, then cries as Fighting American places him over his knee and proceeds to spank him.
Action Boy, shaking his head to clear it, races over to the engaged Lizard Empress and Mr. Normal. He grabs each end of the snake and whirls it around with the speed of Mercury, finally tying it into a knot thus encasing the pair of villains.
Goody Rickels looks around at the subdued villains. "Well, that was unpleasant, as well as unappetising," he says. "I guess I oughta go try to find out what happened to the Tarantula?"
Action Boy nods, "Good plan. I'll race through the rest of the warehouse, see if I can find any more poor pets that haven't been .. er .. processed yet."
Fighting American hands Starchild to Flex Mentallo, who wraps one arm about the bawling toddler. "BEM, contact the police, and, I suppose, the Department of Health. Let's get this place closed down."
"In the meantime," says Fighting American with a grin, "I think these villains should make up for all the trouble they caused, by eating every one of their own products!"
The DC Universe of characters, which includes 90% of all the ones written about on this site, their images and logos are all legally copyrighted to DC Comics and its parent company of Time/Warner. The Checkered Trashman, The Lizard Empress, Major Maker, Mr. Clown, Mr. Normal, Pigboy, Starchild, Terminato, and McDumbbell's Foodburgers are all legally copyrighted to National Lampoon, Inc.