True to his word, Caleb holds my bag and coaches me when we have to jump off the train. There's a moment of terror when I take a running start and fly across the gap between the train tracks and the roof of the building, but a second after I land, I start laughing. Maybe I have a little Dauntless in me after all. Tris helps me to my feet and I brush gravel from my clothes.

"You're not afraid of heights, are you?" she asks.

She might be Caleb's trusted friend, but I'm not just going to admit that I am. "Would it matter if I were?"

Smiling, she nods and says, "Good response." Caleb joins us and coaches me through the next jump. Bouncing in the net at the bottom is kind of fun, though it's not like I can ask him if I can do it again.

"I'll take you to my apartment," he says once I'm back on my feet. "Do you want anything to eat? I can get us some dinner."

I hadn't thought about food until he said that, and I realize I'm starving. "Yes."

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Tris asks. "I was going to meet Christina, but she'll understand if I can't," she tells Caleb.

"Thanks, but I've got it," he replies. I can tell there's more he wants to say to her, something more intimate than "thanks," and I feel awkward. I step back, giving them a little privacy.

"Okay." They smile at each other for a minute, and I see her take his hand. Just before she leaves, she tells me, "Welcome to Dauntless."

Caleb's one-room apartment is sparsely furnished but clean. He tells me he's going to the dining hall, then returns with two covered plates of food. After we eat, he tells me to relax on the couch while he washes the dishes. I realize this is the first idle night I've had in months, and I'm not sure what to do with my hands. I don't feel comfortable browsing through his books. He comes away from the kitchen area with two glasses of water.

"Here," he says, handing me a glass. "Thought you might want this."

The water is cold, and I feel more awake after I drink it. The condensation on the outside of the glass makes my hands slippery. We sit in silence for a minute, then Caleb takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, and starts talking.

"Do you know anything about Dauntless initiation?"

I shake my head. "I figured you probably learn to fight and shoot, but that's about it. I never really gave it much thought."

Caleb nods and looks down at his glass, drumming his fingers on the side of it. "There's that, yeah. That's phase one. The physical stage. But there's a second stage, where you learn mental strength."

I turn this information over in my head. I've always thought of mental strength as something you're born with. "How?"

"By facing your fears. We use sims, kind of like the aptitude test. Most people have maybe twelve or so fears. You enter the sim, face one, and when you're able to get past it or calm yourself down you go on to the next one."

I guess that makes sense. If we get better at things like cooking by doing them repeatedly, why wouldn't the Dauntless learn to work past their fears by repeatedly facing them? "All right."

"And in my sim, I… I saw Marcus." He breaks eye contact and says it like he's ashamed. He doesn't need to do either. I'd be more surprised if he weren't afraid of Marcus, given what we went through.

"It's okay," I reassure him. "If I did the sim, I'd probably see him too."

He shakes his head. "No," he says emphatically. "It was worse than that. It wasn't just Marcus. I…" He lowers his voice, like there's someone else here and he doesn't want them to know what he's about to say. "In my sim, I saw Marcus kill you. He beat you to death with his bare hands. And the whole time, I stood there and couldn't do anything. Like I was stuck to the ground. After you were dead, he disappeared, and then I was finally able to move again."

It feels like his words have pushed all the air out of my lungs. "Caleb, I…that's… I'm so sorry." I'm not sure if I'm sorry because he had to witness that, even if it were only a sim, or because he had to face what I went through. To be frozen by that same terror and feeling of helplessness. Maybe I'm sorry for both.

"Shhh, wait," he says, holding up his hand. "I'm not done. Tobias, going through that sim changed everything for me. I didn't just see what it was like for you when Marcus hit me. I felt it. And not just the physical stuff. The despair. I was…I've never been so scared of anything. I thought about that sim all night after I did it. It was a sim for me, but it was your life every day. That was when I realized I'd been completely wrong about you. I really did think when I transferred here that you stayed because you thought I couldn't defend myself. But now I know that's not true. You stayed because you're selfless. And brave." He looks up at me and sighs. "I wrote that first letter the next morning. I knew if I was going to be worthy of Dauntless, I had to get you out of there. Before…before it became more than just something I saw in a sim." He flexes his fingers around his water glass. "You don't have to be sorry for anything."

"But I let that exact thing happen to you." That same guilt I felt looking at him the morning of my Choosing Ceremony is back, like a stone weighing on my heart. "I've never forgiven myself for it, either."

"You have to. I'm not mad at you for it. I mean, I was, but I'm not anymore. I let Marcus influence my thoughts about you because I was scared of him. I said all that stuff to you at Visiting Day because at that point, I was still in this… this fog. All I could see was my own anger. Every day, I did anything and everything I could to avoid being remembered as the Stiff. Seeing you on Visiting Day brought that up, and it was the last thing I wanted at the time. But I see now that's part of who I am. I was so angry and confused and I took it out on you. It took me a while to see the real extent of what Marcus did." His cheeks turn red. "The sim made me see everything so differently. I was selfish. I'm sorry."

I can't speak. I fear I might choke if I try to talk. I sort through everything Caleb told me. One thought crystallizes: neither Caleb nor I will ever be able to live with ourselves if we let Marcus's monstrosity break us apart. I hold a breath until I know I can talk. Now it's my turn to be emphatic. "No." I set my glass down and take him by the shoulders. "Let's make a pact. From now on, we're not going to apologize to each other for the things Marcus did to us. We both… You have nothing to be sorry for. He did this to us. We didn't do it to each other. I forgive you for thinking all of that. For leaving. Wanting to survive and find your own way doesn't make you selfish. If our places were reversed I might have done the same thing."

"But I left you." Pure Abnegation guilt muffles his voice.

"I know. And…" I let go of him. I want this to be the last time he feels shame about leaving. We have too much ahead of us, too many decisions to make together. Whatever our future brings, we have to be united. "You made the right choice. Not because you left home, but because you really belong here. Dauntless is supposed to protect people, and that's exactly what you've done for me." I tap the tattoo on his wrist. "And I don't think I'd ever get up the nerve to get one of these." He grins, and I continue. "What Marcus did to us was unforgivable. I don't care what happens to him. But I care about what happens to you. It looks like you're doing well here. Right?"

He nods. "Yeah. At first I wasn't sure what I got myself into. But I've made friends. Tris and I… I really like her." His eyes go a little soft when he says that. "She's smart and brave and she really cares about this faction. About people. She helped me with my plan to get you out of Abnegation. I want to see where things go."

"If you're happy, then I'm happy for you," I say. Then I yawn. "Sorry," I tell Caleb. "It's been a long day."

"Yeah," he agrees with a small smile. We both know we'll have even more to talk about tomorrow, but right now, I'm too exhausted to think much more. "Hang on a second." He digs through a chest of drawers in the corner near his bed and comes up with a black t-shirt and a pair of shorts. "You can sleep in these," he tells me. "Anything else you need, you let me know."

Fifteen minutes later, Caleb and I are both settled in his bed. It's bigger than my bed in Abnegation, and there's room for both of us to sleep comfortably.

"I can't stay here in Dauntless," I tell him.

"For tonight, you can."

"Right, but I'll have to come up with a solution for tomorrow."

Caleb shrugs. "We'll figure something out. You can stay here for at least a couple of days. I'll deal with the other Dauntless."

"You mean like Eric?"

He sits up and turns toward me so fast that he pulls off half the blanket. "You know Eric?" he asks, alarmed.

I chuckle. "Yes. And Shauna. I know all your friends."

Skepticism crosses his face. "Eric is no one's friend. He is just a straight up asshole."

It's still strange to hear that language out of Caleb, but I figure I'll get used to it. "That doesn't surprise me at all, given what happened."

"What'd he do to you?" He's curious. Yet another sign I missed that he didn't really belong in Abnegation.

"Nothing worse than anything Marcus did. It was on Visiting Day. Shauna pulled him off me."

He shakes his head. "Sorry about that. Shauna's got a good heart, though. She'll give you a hard time at first, but she'll… help anyone who needs it," he finishes, yawning. He lies down again and reaches to turn off the lamp on the bedside table.

I pull the blankets up to my shoulders and I'm maybe a minute from sleep when Caleb says, "Tobias?"

"Yes?"

"You don't have to let me win at checkers anymore."

I laugh, and for the first time in as long as I can remember it's out of pure happiness. "Then enjoy losing for the rest of your life."

End part 1

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. Please know that every one of your reviews is truly appreciated. The reason I don't reply to them individually is that when I post, the fic is already done, and I don't want to accidentally spoil anyone for the next part. I've run into some issues plotting the next part of this fic (too much talking and not enough action!), so there will be a delay in posting, but I promise it's coming.