John Dandy scowls. "You know I don't approve of fraternisation in the ranks."
Caroline Dean looks up at him from the deskchair in her suite. "So you've said. I personally think you're letting this 'secret agent extraordinary' title go to your head. We're not your 'ranks.'"
He says, "We all agreed that I was to be operational leader."
She says, "Yes, we needed a field commander and you have the most command and tactical experience of anyone here. But that's as far as we go. I'm a NASA Special Agent, and Johnny Flagg's with Project Fighting American ... you know perfectly well the UOD has no jurisdiction over either of us ... and the rest of the team are free agents."
He says, "The Unusual Operatives Division claims authority over all government-enlisted costumed agents. The Dust Devils, the ... "
She cuts him off with a wave of her hand. "The Pentagon can claim authority over whomever it wants, that doesn't make it so. Talk it over with the President is you like. I answer to him." She sighs. "Look John ... Dan and and I have something special, ok? I feel like ... he's from the same universe as I am ... we connect in ways I never have with anyone else. Don't make this difficult, please."
He sighs. "You two can spend your free time dancing the charleston for all I care, but I'm ... " John Dandy is cut off by an emergency siren from the central room. But I'm never going to be able to finish any of my sentences, he thinks to himself, as he and Caroline Dean don the masks of Yankee Doodle and Liberty Belle.
Yankee Doodle secures the emergency phone line as the rest of the extant team assembles. "I received an urgent message from the police department - an entire tenement building in Vanity City is warping into superspace."
BEM scans the computer monitor before him. He says "Every unfilled closet, every unused drawer, every empty space, has escaped, rebelled, and combined to form a new super-dimensional configuration of hyper-geometrical spaces."
FIex Mentallo flexes, "You want to try that again in English, kid? Some of us here aren't equipped with tri-human intellects."
BEM says "The building is shaping itself into a vast gateway, opening onto dimensions we dare only dream about. Who know what might emerge from such a portal?"
Liberty Belle says "So what are we waiting for? There are people in there who need our help!"
THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
Case Six: "And Men Shall Call Them - Evil!"
(with apologies to Grant Morrison)
Stargrave Street, Vanity City: a building suspended in mid-air, in fact ones eye seems to have difficulty focussing on it. Does it really have a fire escape that seems to turn in on itself and then spin off into nothingness? Do its walls really splay out from the center at such an angle, smooth points and floating brick bubbles?
As the fantastic foursome arrive, they espy a colorfully garbed duo engaged in assisting hapless citizens out of the reconfigured building. The gentleman is wearing a dress suit of the 1700's style colored in red, white and blue with a black domino mask. The lady is wearing a spiky circlet around her blonde hair and a golden sleeveless toga; she has metallic bracelets around each forearm, and a gold star on each cheek.
Liberty Belle approaches the patriotic pair. "I take it you're the local talent? We're here to help."
The gentleman swoops down from the air, depositing a child into its mother's arms. "Anything would be helpful ... we go by Mister America and Liberty Lass. We do have our own local squadron, but the other three members are on another mission." He indicates the reality-fluctuating building with a nod. "There're still people trapped in there, but it's almost impossible to navigate."
Liberty Lass nods, "And we can't tell if the distortion field is going to start affecting the inhabitents, too ... so far it hasn't, but ... "
Flex Mentallo flexes, "I think I can help with that." He approaches the building and his rippling pectoral muscles generate a field of normality, flipping the building back into normal form. "I ... can't ... hold it for long ... " he says through gritted teeth.
Liberty Lass boggles. "Fantastic."
Mister America gives Flex Mentallo a thumb's up as he flies into the building, and BEM runs in at tri-human speed, followed by the rest of the colorful assemblage. Just as the final evacuee is barely out of the way, a blast of crimson energy strikes Flex Mentallo, knocking him to the ground as the building snaps back to its mutated form. At the apex of the structure, several colorful figures appear. Evil Star is a man whose eyes seem to gleam with sheer malice through his crimson, star-shaped mask. He is clad in a tight purple waistcoat, tights, gloves, and hood, with bue boots, trunks, and high-necked cape. On his right wrist is his crimson star-band, which crackles with energy. He says, "Behold! We are the Brotherhood of Evil Star ... and the whole world will kneel before our glory!"
Mister America scratches his head. "Brotherhood of Evil Star? You fought the Doom Patrol, right? But I thought your name was just the Brotherhood of Evil?"
Big, bronze, and clunky, Automaton looks like the classic image of a robot. He is, despite his appearance, capable of smooth action. He has a steam shovel-like jaw and engraved on his chest in gold is an inverted triangle. He says, "Curse you, Evil Star, I told you people would say that, but no, you insisted on having your name in the title."
Evil Star goes Hmmm. "Very well then ... Behold! We are ... the ... Legion of the Evil Strange!"
Nash the Slash is a mysterious figure clad all in white. He is wearing a white tuxedo with tails and a white top hat. He carries with him a very expensive violin and bow. His face and hands are completely concealed behind white bandages and black-tinted sunglasses. He harrumphs, "That's what I wanted to name the team in the first place."
Giganta is a powerful looking woman, around 6 feet tall. She has strong features and arching eyebrows. Her hair is in a wild mane about her shoulders. She is wearing a one-piece leopard-skin garment with one strap over her left shoulder. The garment falls to about mid-thigh, showing her thick, powerfully muscled legs. She says, "No more talk! Talk! Talk! Talk! Giganta has had it up to here with talk!"
Menta is a woman in her late twenties, with shoulder-length, red hair. She is wearing a dark blue top with black arms and shoulders, with dark blue stripe leading down the outside of the arms from the military-style collar. A large gold lightning bolt badge is pinned to her chest. She has red mid-calf high boots, legs in dark blue tights under a just-past-the-knee length dark blue skirt with a red belt. Red wristbands from mid-forearm complete the outfit. She just rolls her eyes at all the foolishness.
Chimera is a boy in his mid- to late teens, with wavey, auburn hair. He is wearing a red bodysuit with green braids around the tops of his arms, with a white stripe leading down the outside each shoulder. He has white mid-calf high boots with a green stripe on top, green cuffs with a white stripe, and white trunks. He remains strangely silent during the interchange, though perhaps he simply lacks an opinion on the matter.
Yankee Doodle glares at the sextet. "Am I to understand that you are behind this ... this hyper-dimensional attack? What exactly are you hoping to gain by endangering innocent people to such an end?"
Evil Star gleams maliciously. "At one time I attempted to ransom the actual physical structure of my home planet of Aora to suit my needs and incapacitate my opponents, although I was discovered before my plan could reach fruition. Consider this an experiment. My success with this one small building will prove my technology is feasible, and soon I will extend the effect to include the entire planet!"
Mister America rises up into the air. "You're insane." He shoots forward at 150 mph, buffeting Evil Star with superfast fists even as his opponent creates a hard light construct.
Liberty Lass skates through the air, landing before Automaton. "I recognise you ... you're Robotman from the Doom Patrol, aren't you? What could have caused you to turn against the law like this?" Automaton says, "I am not Cliff Steele, but Norman Caesar, a neglected scientist who has lived too long in the initials of Niles Caulder, the Chief!" He raises a metallic fist as he barrels towards her, "Here's heavy metal for ya!"
Chimera starts to shift and change form, transforming into a terrifying creature with a head resembling a lion, a body resembling a goat with a goat's head sprouted from its back, and a serpent's head extended like a tail. BEM yows as the creature belches flames at him, "You're gonna make some rodeo ride," he says with a grin, as he evades the flames with tri-human speed, trying to maneuver close enough to attack it directly.
Giganta spies Liberty Belle, and seems irrationally infuriated by the other woman's patriotic garb. "Giganta smash flag-woman!" Liberty Belle barces herself for her opponent's advance, readying a judo throw, and looks discomfitted as Giganta begins to increase in size.
Yankee Doodle unsheathes his gun, "Nice suit," he comments to Nash the Slash. "Want to put away the violin and come peacefully?" The bandaged man raises his bow, and strikes a chord which releases a sonic blast, crumbling the pavement beneath Yankee Doodle's feet, causing him to lose his balance. The man's grin is barely visible beneath the swaths of white, "Oh we're the children of the night, hear us howl in the evening, and when you're dead then we'll be leaving ... "
Flex Mentallo rises to his feet as he recovers from the starblast, surveying the battle surrounding him. Menta approaches the man, "That was a nice trick you did with that rippling chest. Maybe I should add you to my collection of boy slaves." Flex Mentallo flexes, "I don't think so. It's not my policy to hit a woman, so why don't you just surrender now and save us both the trouble?" Menta grins at him, "I don't think my surrendering is in your future, pretty boy," and she furrows her brow directing waves of psychic energy at her opponent.
Mister America is repelled by Evil Star, "You're quick, but I've faced down the Green Lantern Corps in my time," he sneers. "I will leave my starlings to deal with you." As he speaks, miniature versions of Evil Star suddenly swarm over his starts to lose aerial height.
Liberty Lass activates the metallic bracelet around her left forearm, and a force shield in the shape of a heavy tome appears which blocks Automaton's blow. "The book of justice is all I need to defend me," she says. Activating the opposite bracelet, a radiant construct in the shape of a torch appears. "Now face the torch of freedom," she says as a flame burns from the top of the construct, catching her opponent in the face.
Chimera's heads focus their flame on BEM, who ducks and weaves. He maneuvers his way to a nearby building, and leaps to the bottom level of a fire escape, hanging from the grate and only twisting to avoid the firey breath. Chimera charges at him, and as it reaches his location he easily swings himself over into the fire escape, and waves down at the beast. He bolts upwards, chased by the flame as it begins to melt the fire escape, showering his opponent with molton metal. It howls and backs off, glaring at BEM. Chimera shifts again, becoming a stag with gold antlers and brass hooves. It runs to a neighbor building and leaps up the fire escape level by level at blinding speed, making its way to the roof where it glares at BEM, snorting and pointing its gleaming antlers at him.
Liberty Belle looks up at the towering Giganta, and swears to herself, running to an alleyway for cover. "Come out come out wherever you are," says the giant woman. Her powerful legs start to kick away the corners of the buildings leading into the alley, scattering bricks and dust. Liberty Belle draws an oddly bell-shaped gun from a hip holster. "This had better work as well as Goody Rickels said it would," she mutters to herself, as she points it at her opponent and fires, repelling the giantess with a concussive blast of sonic force.
Yankee Doodle grunts, "Don't stay an account of me," as he struggles back to his feet. He reaches inside his jacket, drawing his second gun from its shoulder holster and begins two-handed firing at Nash the Slash, aiming for his violin as well as attempting to harrass him by firing randomly about his person.
Flex Mentallo flexes his epicranial musculature, attempting to block the powerful telepathic attack. He and Menta face each other down, each trying for psychic supremacy. Attempting to conceal his conscious goals, he slowly raises his arms. "I can still cloud men's minds with my biceps," he reassures himself as he bunches his powerful arm muscles.
Mister America whirls around in mid-air, scattering the starlings like a miniature tornado. They explode as they strike the ground like small bullets, Evil Star wincing in pain with each blow, before he uses his starband to extend his reach, securing Mister America painfully inside a giant fist.
Automaton falls back, hand raised instinctively to protect his eyes. He grumbles, his voice like old telephone wire, "I made this body better than that." He steps into the flame, grabbing Liberty Lass by the wrist. She attempts to skate into the air again, but he backhands her and, stunned, she falls to the ground.
"Uh oh," thinks BEM to himself as the stag charges, antlers pointed at his torso. "I don't think I want to be carved back into three pieces." The stag's speed is almost blinding, but at the last minute BEM manages to vault to the side, clutching the stag's neck and sliding up onto its back. He clutches tightly as the stag leaps from rooftop to rooftop attempting to dislodge him. Finally the beast slows, and BEM feels its body contract beneath him. He howls in pain as his torso is clamped down on by a series of needle-like grips, and looks down to see himself astride a great three-headed hound, with a snake's tail and a row of serpent heads sprouting from its back.
Giganta staggers backwards. "Better ... than ... that damn ... magic lasso," she growls. Howling fiercely like a great ape, she increases her size even further. Her immense hand reaches in through the alley, advancing on Liberty Belle.
Nash the Slash backs away, losing ground as Yankee Doodle advances on him, but he soon recovers his composure and strikes a chord on his violin, creating a forcefield which blocks the bullets. With another complex series of chords, the sonic forcefield advances on Yankee Doodle, who backs away slowly.
Menta blinks as she loses concentration, her psychic attack muddled as she loses her focus on Flex Mentallo. He takes her by the shoulder, "That's enough of that, little lady." She backs away, hissing, "You would ... dare ... touch me ... you ... primitive brute!" The air between them sizzles with psychic energy, "Return to the fiction from which you came!" "What the- " cliches Flex Mentallo, as he feels himself becoming oddly two-dimensional, the lines of his rippling muscles resembling nothing more than traced green ink. "I've got the strangest feeling I'm being turned into a drawing!"
Mister America sets up an unsympathetic vibration which disrupts Evil Star's giant fist. Glancing downwards as he hears BEM's cry of pain, he soars to assist the lad. He grabs the hound by the scruff of two of its necks, and vibrates it into intangability, allowing BEM to free himself. The best in Mister America's grip twists and howls, leaping at him as the two of them plummet to the ground. Mid-route the beast inverts itself, becoming a hundred-headed water-serpent with a hound's body which arc to surround the troublesome speedster.
Liberty Lass looks up at Automaton as the other raises his hand again. "Not bad cybernetic design," she says, "but there's more to the sciences than that. She reactivates the book of justice, its close proximity to her attacker causing the robotic arm to be sheared off. She presses her advantage, retracting the shield and then reactivating it in the center of Automaton's torso, sending sparks flying as she disrupts his nerve system.
BEM notes the bedeviled Liberty Belle. "Hey!" he shouts at Giganta. "Hey! Thunder-thighs!" The giantess looks up, "Hrnm?" She stands, "Take that back, you little ... " her words are interrupted as BEM takes a running leap off the roof, landing feet to jaw, his momentum toppling her to the ground with a crash.
Liberty Belle, the path from the alleway freed, catches Nash the Slash unawares with a sonic blast. "Fighting fire with fire," she thinks ironically, as Yankee Doodle finishes up the job, cold-cocking his opponent with a right to the jaw.
Mister America, quick as a wink, ties the changeling's myriad heads into a knot, cutting off its air supply. The beast thrashes about, its long, wriggly tentacles waving wildly, before it returns to its human form and only stands, looking glazed.
Menta finds her eye view of Flex Mentallo blocked by the unconscious Giganta, and her opponent's reality re-asserting itself. She curses in a foreign language. "I should have listened to the others when they told me coming here was a mistake; Evil Star, you are a bungler." She removes the lightning bolt badge from her chest, revealing a small gold Saturn symbol. She presses a button on the back of the badge, and a large translucent sphere appears. She ascends into the sphere, beckoning to Chimera, and says, "Come my little Beast Boy, I am not finished with you yet." He follows her into the sphere obediently. The sphere vanishes into thin air with a strange roaring sound.
The six still standing combatants advance on Evil Star, who stands hovering, scowling. Yankee Doodle smiles upwards at the alien, not that one could tell beneath his mask. "Would you care to come down here so I can advise you of your rights?"
Evil Star bahs. "I need no rights from you. My right is to rule!" He leaps into the distorted building, which seems to twist around behind him before snapping back into mundanity.
Mister America makes the motion of brushing dust off his hands. "All neat and almost tidy," he says, indicating the unconscious Automaton, Giganta, and Nash the Slash. "Thanks for the help."
Liberty Belle grins, "Always happy to be of service to patriotic Americans."