Aquarius escorted me back to my chambers. All I heard was the sound of our careful footsteps and the silent mumbling from the castle over the screaming thoughts in my head. I wanted Natsu. I wanted this. But not this way. Not when it will get him killed.
My soon to be husband's arrival in eminent. If i was smart enough I might stop things from progressing in the comfort of my own bedroom. A healer might even be able to help me. Then I could bring a child into the world when the timing was better. When either I am free to love Natsu as I please through whatever small miracle, or when I lawfully produce an heir for my soon-to-be husbands line to be secure. The second thought makes me feel sick.
The thought of a sweaty, middle age man thrusting above me between my forced open legs, breath thick on my neck, while I patiently wait for it all to end. When my period stops and I can tell him, he has succeeded and I have my respite until it's time again for another, or he can't control his urges and I have to let him have his way. It's so at odds with my life now. With how this child was created. Feet twisting in silken sheets. Soft kisses down my body. Pleasure roaring through us both as we battle to crawl inside each others skin. Why should something made out of something so good and healthy bring destruction to my life. Why should I have to stop this thing inside of me from turning into my baby just because it wouldn't make my father happy. Just because it's father isn't royal blooded, and cold hearted like mine. Why is it my duty to suffer while everyone else can love whom they want. A monarchy built on the suffering of either the Queen or King could never bring true prosperity and happiness to the people they want to protect. So why are we building our countries on this.
Aquarius leaves me at my door with a kiss on my head and tears trying to break from her eyes. She'll keep my secret. For the love she had for my mother, she will keep my secret, until death.
I find myself stripping down to my underdress and flopping on my bed. I stare up at my ceiling, one hand on my small belly. This castle has never seemed so quiet before. I used to enjoy my quiet moments alone, but now they only lead to thoughts of sadness. Thoughts of a future I have little control over and a life growing inside me that will bring even more reckoning into my life.
I want my baby, but if I keep my baby, the love of my life will die and my will to live with it. Locked up as a prize breeding mare, pumping out the next royal snotty nosed brat.
But having this child wouldn't feel like that. This child I could love with my whole heart and see grow into a kind, strong ruler. This child would prove that good can come from choice and that love is what a country should be built on, not money or status. Why does anyone have to die.
Having enough of my tumbling thoughts, I leap up from my bed and head to my writing desk, I gather what supplies I need and head back towards my bed. Propping myself up on a few pillows, I sit back and start writing.
I pour my heart out onto the pages. Words have never flowed so well from my pen. I write a letter to my future child. All my thoughts and feelings. How I met their father and how we came to love each other. How I found out I was going to have them, and the difficult decision I now have to make. I didn't care that the child may not live long enough to read this, but I will have this to look back on, and think of a time when I was happy, and know that happiness does exist and did exist for me at one time.
My door clatters slightly and Natsu slips in. He is full of the sweat from a long days work, and his hair is disheveled as if he had been running his hand through it all day.
A look of concern is written all over is face and all I want to do is hug him tight.
He catches my eye and gives me a small smile before slowly walking to sit on the side of my bed. I quickly begin moving my writing supplies out of the way, I don't want him to get a glimpse of what has happened before I have a chance to tell him myself.
"Writing me another love letter?" He smirks. An attempt at humour to down play his concern for me.
"Of a sort." Not exactly a lie. Its a letter to a little being which is made up of half of him, telling them how much I love them. "But you can't read it. Not yet."
He nods absentmindedly, clearly tired from a long day of work and from the worrying gnawing at him all day.
"Come sit here." I say, patting the bed beside me. "You look tired, and we need to talk about things." He doesn't respond verbally, but pulls off his shoes and climbs into bed with me, resting his head on my shoulder and linking our hands. My other hand is resting on my belly again. A reassurance to myself that this is all real, and to ground me as I speak our truth.
"Something has happened Natsu. Something unpredictable, and wonderful but very, very dangerous. And I need your help with deciding what we're going to do." He looks at me now, questions in his eyes, but still doesn't speak. He lets me continue, squeezing my hand in reassurance. "Natsu, I- umm. I am currently carrying our child. It is still quite small, but if it is allowed to grow and my father finds out, you will be executed for deflowering me against my will, no matter what I say. As you are not his chosen husband for me, this is a crime, and I will loose you, and they will take our child away from me." I didn't know at what point I started crying, but I did, my face beginning to turn red and puffy. Natsu reached up and wiped away a tear with his thumb, cradling my face in his hand before bringing our foreheads together.
"Lucy. This is more than I could of ever imagined to have with ya. To raise a child with you would be my greatest honour in all my life. But this is your decision to make. This child is in your body, and it is your decision first and full most. I will not hate you for whatever you decide. I will fight to my dying breath to keep you safe."
Another cry burst out of me. "I want to raise this child with you too, but the risks. I can't loose you. No matter what happens to me, I can't loose you."
"Ok. It's ok. We will go through this together. I will be here every moment. You will not go through this alone." And he kissed my mouth soft and tenderly, just as my door swung open again.
"Oh, I'm sorry to intrude Luce, I didn't realise you had company." Sting stumbled, trying to rein in all the big brother protectiveness he could. "But I thought this was important to tell you. King Rogue is in the country. He will be here within the week."