I do not own Naruto.
"A bird who hurt his wing, now forgotten how to fly.
A song he used to sing, but can't remember why.
A breath he caught and kept, that left him in a sigh
It hurts him so to love you, but he won't say goodbye."
-Lang Leav, Golden Cage
At four years old, Hyuga Koma learns duty when he is brought before the Head of the Branch House in the Branch House dojo. He'd never been before anyone so important before. It leaves him trembling and breathless.
A good sort of anxious. He tells himself, his hand wrapped protectively around his sister's.
"They tell me that you are a little prodigy, you and your sister both." Hyuga Hizashi says, his white eyes expressionless.
Koma takes a breath. "Haya is better than I." He says, and knows that it is true, more than humility, more than honor, he cares for the truth.
"Niichan is my equal." Haya says from his side. That is her truth, her kindness to him. Thank you, Haya-chan.
"Neither of you deny that you've activated the byakugan?" Hyuga Hizashi leans forwards, towards them, his hands brushing the corners of their eyes, but more than that, just cupping their faces, gently.
They nod as one. "Byakugan." They whisper, veins bulging, space unfurling.
Only then, does he notice the elder sitting behind the screen. Hizashi-san's Chichi-ue. Hideya-sama is even more important than Hizashi-san.
"You know what you have to do, Hizashi." The elder behind the screen turns on his heel and leaves them, his voice harsh and grating.
A tendril of fear clutches his heart. "What does Hideya-sama mean, Hizashi-san?" Haya asks from beside him.
There's something like sadness in Hizashi-san's eyes. "What I must." He whispers, a hand against each of their foreheads. "You must both be brave, yes?" There's a tightness to his lips that belies the gentle nature of his words.
He is not speaking for true. He is asking for something else. Koma squeezes Haya's hand. "Have courage." He whispers.
"Now, Koma-kun." Hizashi-san moves him forwards. "You'll go first then?"
Koma swallows hard. "Yes, of course."
"Repeat after me." Koma nods. "This is our duty." Hizashi-san picks up the brush beside him, and dips into the ink. "We must protect the Main Branch."
"This is my duty." Koma says, his tongue heavy and dry. "I must protect the Main Branch." It feels as though he should trip over his words, everything is so heavy, but he does not. He does not.
Hizashi-san finishes with the brush, and sets a hand on either temple. "Have courage." He sets the brush between Koma's teeth. "And be careful when you bite down."
The chakra emitted breaks his head open, brings tears to his eyes. It's overcoming his own developing chakra coils, twisting them into new paths, into the seal on his forehead.
He bites down, and does not scream.
The pain continues, on and on and on and on and on. By the time Hizashi-san removes his hands, Koma can no longer feel anything, just pain. He slumps forwards, tears gathering messily in his eyes. "H-Haya." H-Haya. Not Haya.
And when his sister's scream rises into the still air that winter morning, his heart breaks with it.
That is duty. That is truth. The two pieces of his shattered heart. Pain beyond imagining. He learns it at age four, slumped on the floor of the dojo.
Hyuga Koma is seven years old when he graduates from the Academy on the same day as his Haya. Not two months later, his little brother is born in the middle of the night, howling, atypical of a Hyuga who must be dutiful and quiet at all times.
He worries for his little brother, for Tokuma, who is only a few hours old. How will he learn to be dutiful, if he's already so rebellious?
"He is a strong child." Haya observes, and slides her hand into his own. "He will grow up to be fierce."
Perhaps. He considers. I dearly hope so. He squeezes her hand. "Our brother will be the best of us." The words taste like ashes on his tongue. And when he is four, he will learn his duty.
"Yes." She replies, because Haya is made of infinite hope and good cheer. "We will keep him safe and teach him more."
We will hold him through his suffering. We will shield him with our own bodies. We will teach him to be proud of himself. We will protect him. We will be his brother and his sister. His family for always.
A year into his career as a genin, he kills his first man. His team is bleeding behind him, and there is an attacker before him.
He cannot run. He cannot hide. He is eight years old, on a C-Rank mission. I was always a prodigy. I will rise.
Thirty two palms catch the attacker before him in the heart, and blood sprays across the clearing, in the noonday sun. He draws sixty four palms in the air just for safety, breathing lightly. He has trained these katas until his hands bled, until his lungs gave out, not quite able to catch Haya's natural speed.
But he is a genius all the same. Easily capable of killing a man at age eight.
The rest of the bandits flee, but the man he has hit drops like a stone, down into the dusty earth. The cloud of loose dust rises, a yellow film, and blood stains it dark red.
He feels bile rise in his stomach, but he swallows it down. This is duty as well. Duty to Konoha.
He learned duty to his clan at age four on the dojo floor. He learns duty to Konoha now, in this hot summer clearing, at age eight.
I have killed a man. He thinks, hysteria gripping him. I have completed my duty to my team. He justifies. His stomach rolls uneasily as he slides out of the jyuken stance.
"Good job." His teammate claps him on the back. "I knew you could save us." I did not save us. I did not save you. He thinks. I have doomed us all to a lifetime of killing and death.
What is this ruin?
But that is not what prodigies say. "It was what I had to do." He says, the words like tangled plastic strips on his tongue. If he is not careful, he will be trapped. "I couldn't let you die." That is what humility tells him to say, but it is not the truth. He doesn't speak of the truth often these days. He pulls on a small smile, all that is required of a Hyuga, and turns to offer a shoulder to his other teammate.
Their walk back to Konoha is slow, with broken bones and bleeding cuts, but they are all still alive.
For the first time, Hyuga Koma wishes he were dead instead.
"I hear you killed for the first time." Hizashi-san slides out of his jyuken stance, across from him.
Koma smiles, the action brittle in the morning light. "Have I not been performing well in practice, Hizashi-san?" He's long forgiven the man before him for his part in the pain. He must also do his duty. That is all. He did not take pleasure from our pain.
"That is not all that makes or breaks you." Hizashi-san sets a hand on his shoulder, and guides him towards the back steps of the dojo. "A first kill is always hard."
"It was the only thing I could do." He says, though he knows in his heart that he will never sleep easily again. "I could not fail."
"Sometimes," Hizashi-san says. "Failure is inevitable. What makes the measure of a man is his ability to accept his failures."
Like you accept that we must feel pain. That is your failure. Koma nods. "I did not have to fail this time." He looks down at his hands-they ended a man's life yesterday-and smiles. "And so I did not fail."
"You may talk to me about anything you'd like." Hizashi-san offers. "I will not tell anyone." Nor will I judge you.
Koma shakes his head. "There are no inconsistencies I would like to report ,Hizashi-san." He stands, and bows. "Thank you for your time." He does not raise his eyes to meet his teacher's. "I must return to Haha-ue and Chichi-ue to eat breakfast now."
Hizashi-san cups his face with two strong hands, turning his face up so that their eyes meet. "If you ever need someone to talk to, Koma-kun, you may always come to me."
Koma smiles, the first genuine smile he's attempted since the day before. "I will remember, Hizashi-san. Thank you."
Hizashi-san lets him go. "Now eat breakfast. It does no good if our resident prodigy collapses in after breakfast training."
He walks to the hospital, his heart in his mouth. "Haya?" He whispers as he pushes open the door to her room. "Haya?"
"Niichan." She whispers, and reaches for him. The misery in the air is suffocating, a blanket wrapped too warmly around them both. She has not called him Niichan since they'd both understood duty.
He pulls her into his arms, and knows that whatever had happened to anyone else, he is grateful for Haya's life. Do not take Haya from me. He begs. Do not take her. She who has always been as a part of me as half of my heart.
"Haya-neesan?" Tokuma wanders in before their parents. "Are you alright?" Their little brother has learned to speak properly, without the lisp of a child, but he isn't conforming. He laughs too loud, dances in the rain, and doesn't sit up straight unless he is prompted. Koma can only watch him with exasperated fondness, at all the ways that he could brighten the world, with an anxious heart beating far too fast.
What if someone else saw. What would they think?
And this year, he turns three years old. The year after that-Duty. Koma thinks. I could learn to hate that word.
"I'm alright." Haya musters a smile for their younger brother, and he can read the lies, but Tokuma cannot. He's a child still, and if Koma has his way, he'd be a child for a long time yet. He accepts that this is the truth, and leaves it at that.
"Alright then." Tokuma hops off the bed. "Get well soon, Neesan."
After the rest of their family leaves, after everything, when evening falls, the two of them sit together, wrapped in each other's arms, two mirrors. "Niichan?" Haya whispers.
"Yes?" He answers. You may tell me anything. I will always be the other half of you.
"I want to learn how to heal." She says, halfway asleep. "It was my failing, out there, today." He wonders what failure really means.
I did not fail because I killed someone. Haya failed because she did not kill someone.
Is that all failure means? The inability to kill? And he remembers that there is more to life that killing.
"Then you will learn to heal." He twists a strand of her hair around his fingertips, and thinks of what other people would say about them. I should take a leaf from Tokuma's book. He decides. I should not care. But even as he says this, he pictures katas in his head, and knows that if the Clan cannot have Haya any longer, they will look for someone else.
That someone will be me. He decides. It will not be my Otouto, or my Haya.
"Again!" Tokuma shrieks as he flies up into the air. "Push me higher!"
Haya laughingly obeys, her hands gentle and sure. "Tokuma-kun." She says, and she looks so happy that Koma knows he made the right decision the year before. "It's not polite to speak so loudly." Nor is polite to be so demanding.
When they go home, Hyuga Hizashi-san will be waiting for them. He doesn't want to go home.
But Hyuga Koma knows his duty.
"Haya, Tokuma-kun," He doesn't want to do this. "We have to go home. Hizashi-san wants to see Tokuma-kun sometime today."
His little brother leaps off of the swing with unerring accuracy and runs towards him. "Hizashi-san, does?"
Not for anything good. He looks down, into that smiling face-will you still be smiling tomorrow?-His hand goes to his covered forehead. "Yes."
They walk home together, Haya's worry bleeding into the air beside him, but he says nothing. We all must kneel. And we must stay kneeling.
He sits outside the door with Haya, and expects his kind hearted little brother to scream. He braces himself for it, for all the sound that he cannot bear to hear.
The dojo is silent. "Byakugan." He shouldn't do this to himself, shouldn't want to see it, but he cannot look away, cannot help himself.
And this is how he bears the pain. I told you when you were born, that I'd protect you with my own body. Tokuma, Tokuma, Otouto, I have failed you.
And this failure tastes like salt, bitter and heavy on his tongue.
His little brother does not scream. Koma lets go of the byakugan as Hizashi-san finishes. Instead, he steps forward, and slides the door open to retrieve his shivering brother. "I will take him, Hizashi-san."
"So this is your student then, Hizashi?" It is Hideya-sama.
Koma wraps his arms around his Tokuma, and bows low, long hair sweeping over his shoulder. "I can't claim such an honor, Hideya-sama. Hizashi-san gives me pointers at times." Do not pay more attention to Tokuma. He pleads with the gods that it is enough. They have him. It must be enough.
The older man snorts. "He trains with you every morning, which is more than we can say of your sister or any other Branch child."
Koma pulls his politest smile to his lips and holds his bow. "I am Branch." He says softly. "And training is my duty, so that I may best protect the interests of the Clan."
And the Clan Head seems satisfied enough. "A pity your sister does not see this the same way." He sneers, but he steps out into the hall. "Learn from your brother's example, girl."
His words had protected himself, but hurt Haya instead. I must apologise to her later. But Tokuma shivers in his arms, and he carefully pulls his little brother up a little more. Later.
"Koma-kun?" Hizashi-san asks. "Make sure to keep his forehead cool, Tokuma-kun has a very delicate chakra system." They can't speak of what has just occurred, here and in the hallway.
He nods. "I understand, Hizashi-san." He bows once to the man who is his teacher on a good day, and merely a stranger on the bad ones, and wonders what sort of day it is today. A bad one, he decides. I do not understand him today. "Have a good evening."
And then he steps out to the hallway, and a subdued Haya.
"I am sorry." He whispers, as she takes Tokuma from him, and squeezes her hand, so that she knows it is true.
"You didn't mean it that way, Niisan." She squeezes his hand back, and that is how he knows that she understands him.
Tokuma wakes in the middle of the night, breathing heavy, sweating, and weak. "Niisan? Niisan? Niisan!"
"I am here." He'd fallen asleep here, by his bedside. There is always the chance that Tokuma would not survive, that he'd be crippled, that-"What is it that you need?"
"Niisan." A small hand grips the collar of his yukata, and pulls him closer. "Niisan." And this cry is more like a sob, than a word.
Koma smooths the wet cloth over his little brother's head, and pulls him close. "I am here. I will not leave you."
"Hurts." Tokuma gaps, all attempts at proper sentences gone. "H-hurts."
"Yes." Koma well remembers how much it hurts. "But this is our duty, Tokuma-kun. You must learn to bear it well." You must learn to be strong, Otouto, or they will break, and spit on, and hurt you.
And for what is in his power, Hyuga Koma will protect his brother, and his sister, because they are his family, but for what is not in his power, they must be strong enough to face for themselves.
He does not think that there will ever be a time when they will need to protect him.
I am Niisan. I am older than both of them. I will protect them with myself.
"Alright." Tokuma snuggles closer, and sighs. "Will you stay?"
"Always, Otouto." He does not believe that his brother will die now. His breathing has evened. His eyes flutter closed.
Tokuma falls asleep half an hour later, an easier sleep than earlier that night.
Hyuga Koma doesn't sleep at all. Instead the moon sets, and the sun rises. His arms go stiff, his back aches and his legs fall asleep.
It doesn't matter.
"Sometimes I wonder if you hate me, Koma-kun." Hizashi-san says as they sit together on the steps of the dojo, a few months afterwards. The man sighs. "I wouldn't blame you if you did."
"I do not hate you." Koma replies. To hate would not be dutiful, and Hizashi-san has not done anything particularly-No. Only enforced a system where Tokuma gets hurt-wrong.
"Somehow, I don't believe that." His teacher smiles, brittle in the light of the dying sun. "Ah, well. You're so dutiful that it wouldn't pass your lips even if you did hate me."
"I do not hate you." Koma says again, and the words settle more surely into the grooves that they are meant to occupy. "And I will never." He rises, and bows to his teacher. "I must go now, Hizashi-san. Please have a good evening."
Tokuma is still alive, and he'd taken to smiling a little less, but he is still alive, and that is because of Hizashi-san. He will take what he can get.
"Niisan!" His little brother meets him at the gate, forehead bare except for that-that manji which carves his heart to pieces every time he sees the thing.
"Tokuma-kun." He sets a hand on his brother's shoulder, and they walk back toward their rooms together. "You will have to start the katas soon."
His little brother's byakugan is not unimpressive, but he has been careful, careful to hide the fact from the Main Branch. It is his one act of defiance.
As of yet, they do not believe that Tokuma is anything impressive. They will not force him into the academy early. They do not even believe him to ready for the beginner's Katas despite being four and a half already.
So what if they believe that his little brother doesn't match the genius of his siblings? Koma himself knows that he'd be standing to the sidelines, laughing at them all when Tokuma became great, greater than his siblings, greater than any there are in the clan.
"I will?" Tokuma rubs his forehead absently. "Niisan?" He tilts his face up, a frown on his lips. "Why do you wear something over your forehead?"
Oh. So he had noticed then. Noticed that if it is not a hitai-ate, that the rest of his family is very careful to bandage their foreheads.
"Because-" Koma knows not how to proceed. How do I tell him that I am ashamed of this damned mark on my forehead when he has the same thing on his own? "I do not want anyone to see."
"Why?" Tokuma blinks, and takes his hand, swinging their joined hands between them as they walk. "It's not any different from anyone else's forehead."
But it is. It is.
"Do you want me to take these off?" He gestures to the bandages. "Would it make you happier?"
"I want Niisan to do what makes Niisan happy." Tokuma says, and smiles brilliantly. "But I don't like it when Niisan wears bandages when he isn't injured."
And that, that, he'd bow to. "I'll consider it, Otouto."
That night, he unwraps the white cloth from his forehead, and stares at his own reflection in the mirror. "I don't want you to be unhappy, Tokuma-kun." He whispers to his image in the mirror. From behind him, Tokuma shifts and mumbles something in his sleep that might have been Niisan.
The black manji on his forehead is ugly, and he doesn't like to look at it. I am not some injured fool. He thinks, angrily to himself. I am perfectly well. There is no reason to wear bandages.
It's just a mark.
It's not just a mark.
He is fourteen years old when he is called before the Hokage. He arrives, steps unhurried, knees steady. He is no longer four years old, about to meet his very first important personage.
He is old enough now that his hands are scarred and he can see fifteen kilometres without hindrance, undeterred by walls and trees. He is no longer four years old, but this is a war hero of the most venerated sort.
"Oh, have a seat, Koma-kun." The Hokage waves him to a chair.
He takes the required six steps to the chair, and bows politely once before sitting down. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."
"I've heard great things about you." Hokage-sama smiles at him kindly.
"My accomplishments are unnoteworthy." He bows his head, and folds his hands together in his lap.
"Nonsense." Hokage-sama replies, blue eyes kind. "A special jounin by thirteen years of age is nothing to scoff at."
"I try to be diligent, but I do not succeed often enough." He responds. He'd seen Tokuma off at the gate of the Academy just that morning, and kissed Haya goodbye on the cheek at the hospital, where she had her apprenticeship, and those are his only indulgences, but he is missing time to train.
He has to be better, has to be more. He has people who need him to protect them.
"The Black Ops would welcome you." Hokage-sama says at last. Gently. The man is too gentle for one without ulterior motive, but it is not Hyuga Koma's place to question it. The Yondaime is feared throughout the Elemental Nations. He'd not become the man under the hat because he'd been gentle.
"If that is your will, Hokage-sama, I would be honored." The clan would find this promotion helpful. The clan would like it, but only if he is careful.
Only if he does not outdo the members of the Main Branch. He bows once more to the Hokage, eyes downcast.
"Excellent." Hokage-sama makes a gesture, and a hooded figure in a mask appears, so quickly that Koma is not sure if he hasn't been there all along. "Bull, why don't you give Koma-kun the tiger mask, and show him what he is supposed to be doing?"
He follows after the hooded figure without a whisper of protest.
"Your team will be with Bear and Rat." Bull says. His voice is a light tenor, Koma notes. And his build is...on the slimmer side.
"Yes." Koma agrees. "I will be able to see their faces though, should I activate the Byakugan." He says. He does not know why he is now a member of the Black Ops. Jyuken is notoriously distinctive, and his eyes once active, would strip every member of their anonymity.
"You don't seem like the type to tell." Bull turns back to him, holding out a porcelain tiger mask. "But don't worry, your team's been notified. They're more or less willing to go through with it." So this is too, a contract of sorts.
He will not break it.
"I see." Koma says. He takes the mask, and fits it over his face.
"The byakugan's a valuable asset, and you've got an above average one that's not theftable." Bull shrugs. "We've got a lot of spare kunai, shuriken, and senbon in the storage rooms. Make sure to stock up when you go out on a mission. If you've got some sort of special weapon you prefer besides your hands make sure to bring it with you."
So he is an asset then. I should have known. Had he not been Branch, Hokage-sama would never have risked it, but-but he knows his duty no matter how much his heart burns for it.
"And here we are." Bull announces as they step into a nondescript room. "Bear, Rat, and your ANBU order tanto." With that announcement, Bull flash steps away.
"Hello." He bows politely to the two other figures in the room. "I am to be your teammate?"
"Oh lighten up, kid." A hand claps him on the back. "We're going to live and die together, and we've agreed to having our deepest secrets dug up by your eyes. We might as well not be so formal with each other." Bear takes his mask off. "Shiranui Genma. Call me Genma when we're not wearing masks, yeah?"
Rat does the same. "Namiashi Raidou. Call me Raidou."
It feels only right that he does the same. "Hyuga Koma." He says softly, even though they must know his name already, must at least know that he is a Hyuga. "You both must call me Koma."
He can feel their gazes linger on his forehead, on the ugly black manji, but they thankfully say nothing. He puts the mask back on. "Who was formerly on your team?" He asks. Whose legacy do I have to live up to?
"Mamba." Genma shudders as he puts the mask back on. "She's been invalidated out of ANBU, so it's safe to tell you this, but that woman was a scary one."
So it had been a woman then.
"Yeah." Raidou adds. "Wouldn't ever want to be on the other end of those disguises." An infiltrator. How interesting.
"What happened to her?" He asks. It isn't often that one hears about someone leaving ANBU, but then, no one hears about anyone entering ANBU either.
"She was nearly sent home in a body bag." Genma looks slightly green. "Thirty stab wounds to the abdomen. Our last mission went real south."
I see. So that's what it takes to be invalidated out of ANBU. He stores the information away for later.
"And I met two of the most interesting people today." Tokuma bounces slightly as he clings to Haya's hand.
"And how were they interesting?" Haya asks, to cover for Koma, who is still considering how to explain his new promotion to the clan.
"Well," Tokuma begins, an extra bounce in his step. "Did you know that the Aburame have about a million bugs? Muta-kun was kind enough to show us, they crawl out of pores in his skin, isn't that so cool? And-and, Hana-chan has three ninken, which is two more than most people, and they are the most adorable gray puppies."
"Tokuma-kun." Haya says quietly. "It isn't polite to look underneath an Aburame's clothing, and it isn't polite to call an Inuzuka's partner a puppy."
Tokuma frowns. "But Muta-kun pulled up his sleeves to show us himself. I didn't force him. Besides, Hana-chan calls her partners puppies, and they don't seem to mind." He turns to tug at Koma's sleeve. "Niisan, tell Neesan that she isn't being fair."
He could hardly tell Haya that she isn't fair. "Tokuma-kun," He says, and wishes that he could pay attention. Why can't he pay attention? "You must remember to act in a way that is befitting of the clan that we come from." He hates saying this. Tokuma doesn't care for what other people think of him, and that is better than anything that Koma has ever known.
I am too careful. Too careful, and that is not a good thing. Too careful. Too scared.
"Okay." His little brother slumps just a bit. "I will."
The Sandaime looks so old when he puts the hat on again. It is still the night of October Tenth. ANBU Tiger does not worry about his family. He has no family. "By now, I am sure that every one of you has heard about the fate of the Yondaime, and his wife."
"Ha." The room echoes with the quiet affirmation of over three hundred voices, but it sounds no louder than a whisper.
"The Kyubi is not dead." No, of course it is not. They are Konoha's Black Ops, the darkest operation, they would be the ones to know. "This is an S-Class secret. Not a single word of it will travel beyond these walls."
"Ha." The room sighs back. ANBU Agents do not exist, so of course they would never tell anyone.
"The Kyubi has been sealed into a boy. It is perfectly contained, and perfectly safe." The Sandaime exhales a cloud of smoke. No one says a word. No one even moves. "On occasion I will ask those among you to check up on him." He looks around the room. "Hound, Tiger, Rat, Bull, Bear, to me. Everyone else can go."
Nearly three hundred shadows disperse to go back to their daily lives. To be men and women without the masks. To be part of the clean up crews.
"Unmask." It is only a formality. A single hand sign would tell him exactly who ANBU Hound is, but Hokage-sama surely just wants to make it seem as though there is a give and take in the whole affair. ANBU Tiger sets a hand on the bottom of his porcelain mask, and slides it off.
Hound is Hatake Kakashi. The Yondaime's last surviving student. Of course. ANBU Tiger has never worked with Hound before.
"You five are the ones I'm most worried about." Hokage-sama sighs. "All the ANBU worked closely with Minato, but I'm afraid that you five were the closest." And here, ANBU Tiger feels that he is only distantly related to the whole affair.
The Yondaime might have appointed him to ANBU, but he was hardly very close to the man.
"Why is he here?" Hatake asks, a glare at him. "He isn't a part of the Hokage's guard."
"Because he will be." Hokage-sama smiles kindly at Koma. "You know more about each member of ANBU than anyone, except the commander, and even then, your skills are unique."
Koma bows. "I will work to ensure that your trust is not misplaced, Hokage-sama."
Hatake is still glaring at him, but it slides off of his skin like rain water. It does not matter, not truly.
"Well, you all are dismissed then."
"C'mon, kid." Genma slings an arm over his shoulder, Raidou prods him on the cheek, and Iwashi slings an arm over his other shoulder. "Let's go get drunk." There's a sob in the man's voice, a glassiness in his eyes, but Koma has other worries.
"I must go find my siblings." He murmurs, and wriggles from their grip. He is numb. "I need to know if I am attending any funerals." He is frozen inside, and only Tokuma's brilliant smiles will unthaw him.
As he leaves, he hears Iwashi ask Raidou a question. "Is he always this cold? He's worse than Hatake on a bad day, and Hatake's always having bad days."
He doesn't wait around to hear the answer.
Two months later, the sharp pain of the deaths finally sets in. He goes out to a bar, for the first time in his life, and tries to figure out if attempting to get drunk would be worth it.
And if he really does want to get drunk, what sort of drink he'd want to start with.
"You look like you're lost." It takes him a moment to realize that the girl's talking to him. From beside her, a dog barks.
An Inuzuka, with a fanged smile, and wild hair. She's only thirteen or so, hardly old enough to be a regular patron at this sort of establishment on the shady side of town, but he's not in a position to judge her himself.
She looks like she's doing her best not to cry about something.
It's only been two months since the village had been destroyed. She's got to have something to cry over.
"No more lost than you are." He settles for that in the end.
She climbs onto the bar stool next to him, and slams a few bills onto the table. "Hey, bartender, a bottle of awamori, don't bother with the fruit flavors, my friend and I here will drink it straight."
So she does know what she's talking about then. "I don't think I'm your friend." He doesn't mean to say this out loud, it's really kind of rude, but he says it anyway. It's a night of complete loss of mental facility anyway.
The dog by her feet growls at him. She pats it on the head, with a grin that doesn't reach her eyes. "Hey, hey, Sumimaru, don't be so mean to him. He's hurting too, ya know." And that she sees it so easily is just another sign that the world's upside down today. She turns to him, smiling so big he almost doesn't see the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. "I think we can be companions in misery tonight, so I'll call you friend, yeah?"
The bartender takes her money, and puts down two cups and a bottle of a liquid so clear it looks like water. "You want ice with this, kid?"
She shakes her head, and pops the cork with her teeth. "'S all good." She pours him a glass, and slides it over. "C'mon. You look like you wanna get drunk anyway."
He takes it. It's been the worst night in his life anyway.
Three cups later, they're talking as though they've known each other their entire lives. "And I told her, you know, even if she was my sister that there's no point to all of this. Baa-san's still gonna be dead either way."
"Is that why you're here?" He asks her. "Your Baa-san's dead?"
She shakes her head. "Noo..." And leans in against his shoulder as she sips from her glass. "Tou-san's being a baka about everything, and Baa-san's dead, and Cousin Gaku hates us all and he's not out of the hospital and everything's a mess, ya know." She blinks, and drains her glass. "So why're you here?"
"The Yondaime died." He sighs. "And I don't know anything."
She nods, sagely. "Hmm. You must be important then. Knowin' about the Yondaime and everything." She peers at him. "How old're you? Don't look that old, but with Hyugas I can never tell."
"I'm fifteen." But she's called him important. He's never thought about it like this before. He laughs into his drink. "I don't think so." And his hand comes up to rub his forehead. "Branch Children aren't important." He spits the last word like it's a curse. Maybe it is a curse.
"Huh." She says. "You sound bitter 'bout that to be honest."
He laughs. "Who are you?"
She pours him another drink. "Kotsuzui, but you better call me Kotsu. She gestures to the dog snoring at her feet. "'N this is Sumimaru, 'cause he's black like ink."
"Koma." He says. She knows he's a Hyuga already.
She nods sagely at this. "So we're both unimportant children, but you're more bitter 'bout it than me. How's that for laughs?"
He drains the glass. "Don't tell me about it."
He's starting to see double, and he's sure his head will kill him in the morning.
"I'll take you home." She prods his cheek, a giggle and tears streaming down her face. "What're you? A lightweight?"
He staggers to his feet and points in her general direction, there are just more of her than normal. "I drank at least five of these things. You can't call me a lightweight."
"Sure I can't." She slings one of his arms over her bony shoulders and keeps on walking. "Please don't get sick." But then she's giggly again. "Hehe, but if you did, could tell 'sha that I saw a Hyuga sicker than a dog."
He closes his eyes, and they stumble through the streets.
"And this is Hana-chan and this is Muta-kun." Tokuma gestures wildly at the boy and girl before him. Inuzuka Hana looks a lot like her cousin, Kotsu, but her face is still rounder, baby fat clinging to her cheekbones. She is younger than her teammates, no more than seven years old. The age Haya and I were when we graduated the Academy.
Another young prodigy then.
Aburame Muta looks like every other member of his clan, just so incomprehensibly young. The Aburame don't like to let their children out into the wider village very often, so seeing a young Aburame in the Hyuga Compound is stranger than a dream.
"And this is Koma-niisan." Tokuma announces. "He's very very good."
And it's always his otouto that can drag him out of his troubles and into the present.
"I heard that you three are a team?" He asks, sliding into a jyuken stance. He has to be careful not to hurt them. It's been a long time since he's had a friendly spar with a few months post academy genin. "Tell me about your dreams."
They arrange themselves awkwardly into a manji formation, and charge him.
He holds back, holds back, and still nearly defeats them all in the first minute anyway. "Remember to keep your elbows in." He says, as he pulls the little Aburame past his hip by the elbow.
"Keep your fists tight." He tells the little Inuzuka, as his fingers close two tenketsu in her wrist.
"And Otouto, your stance is unsteady." A foot sweeping towards Tokuma's feet, and he stumbles forward. Koma seals four tenketsu, two in each shoulder.
"Oh, come on, Niisan!" Tokuma says, as he spits out a mouthful of grass. "This isn't even a spar. It's just flat out slaughter."
"We do need to follow his advice, Toku-kun." Aburame Muta adjusts his glasses, and offers a hand to Tokuma to help him up. "Let's go again, Hyuga-san." He bows politely to Koma. "We're very honored that you'll take time out of your day to help us."
Inuzuka Hana rubs her wrist, and grins up at him. "Thank you very much, Hyuga-san."
And he smiles back, uncertain of how genuine he looks. "Call me Koma-senpai, both of you." He tries not to be called Hyuga anything if it's possible. It reminds him too much of his eyes.
He meets Kotsu-chan inside the Inuzuka Clan Grounds, in their personal training fields close to the forest. He doubts that she'd be welcome inside the Hyuga Compound, with her wild ways and shedding black dog.
"So how'd it go?" Kotsu slides into an Inuzuka taijutsu stance, a hand on the ground in the shape of a claw. "Is my little cousin anything like me?" How could anyone ever be like you?
Koma takes up a Jyuken stance opposite her. "She is younger than you." He considers what he knows of Inuzuka Hana. "And she is...she has fewer sharp edges." He says, and then Kotsu is upon him.
He could seal her tenketsu, could end this in under five minutes, but it's much more fun to try and learn the Inuzuka wrestling techniques anyway.
He doesn't have another excuse for why he wants to roll around in the mud.
She pins him beneath her, her teeth snapping at his neck. He knees her in the stomach, and flips their positions. "Why do you want to know what I think about your cousin?"
She locks her foot behind his knee, and punches him in the chest. He lands on his back, winded. "Not like I know her all that well, Koma." She sits casually on his stomach, which doesn't help him catch his breath the slightest. "You've got twigs in your hair."
He opens his mouth to protest.
And she's almost kind as she drops a handful of dirt on his face. "Ya know, the villagers'll think you've gone around for a roll in a pigsty."
He spits out a mouthful of leaves and mud. "You're so kind, Kotsu-chan." But he still doesn't have his breath back, so it's more of a weak gasp.
"I know." She grins at him, fangs flashing in the morning light, but then she takes pity on him, and clambers off of his stomach. She offers him a hand. "C'mon. You can come back to the house and shower before you have to brave the village." She wrinkles her nose at him. "Besides, we need to launder your clothes before you start smelling like wet dog slobber."
He raises an eyebrow at her. "Dog slobber?"
"You forgot that you were drooled on by Sumimaru." She tosses her hair over her shoulder. "You coming or not?"
With a sigh, he follows her.
"You don't wear anything over your forehead." She squints up at him as they walk. "You okay with that?"
"Is there something wrong with the way that I am?" He asks her. Do you find my seal uncomfortable? Would you prefer that I cover it when I come to see you?
"No...just most of your clan wears bandages or something, ya know." She gestures in the air. "I just wondered why you don't."
"I am not injured." He prods her cheek with a finger. "Especially not in the head."
She giggles. "I wouldn't know about that, Mr. I-Roll-About-In-Pigsties."
A year later, Elder Shimura first greets him after his shift, guarding the Hokage with Hound.
"ANBU Tiger." The old man steps out of the shadows.
His hand pauses over the rim of his mask, a moment. Does he take it off, or does he not? His hand drops as he turns around, and bows. An ANBU Agent does not speak until spoken to.
"You may take the mask off. I know who you are." He's leaning on his cane, but ANBU Tiger knows better than to think of weakness.
Elder Shimura.
There'd been plenty of interesting rumors circulating about Elder Shimura and his special branch of ANBU.
He takes the mask off. "How may I be of assistance, Elder Shimura?" He asks, calmly. ANBU Tiger has no discernible personality beyond his polished politeness and silence. Even without the mask, he is still on duty.
"The Hyuga Prodigy." Elder Shimura says at last, a gaze roaming over his form. "You would do well under me."
"I am ANBU Tiger." He replies. "ANBU Tiger does not know anything about the Hyugas." He wants nothing particular to do with the dead eyed boys and girls that moved about Elder Shimura.
Hyuga Koma very privately thinks that he knows exactly why Elder Shimura is interested in him.
As Hokage-sama had once said, he knows more about his fellow members of ANBU than perhaps even the commander. If Elder Shimura is recruiting, it might be best to recruit the one member who could tell him the identity of every man and woman behind the masks.
"Hyuga Koma has aging parents, and two siblings." Elder Shimura continues blithely. "A twin sister at the hospital, and a little brother currently a genin."
"ANBU Tiger is not the least bit interested in Hyuga Koma's family." And that is supposed to be true, but his fear is icy all the same. What do you want with my Haya, and my otouto?
"Hyuga Koma, also," Elder Shimura continues as if he hasn't heard a thing. "Has a fondness for Inuzuka Kotsuzui. I would think he calls her a friend."
"Elder Shimura?" ANBU Tiger bows once. "I am uncertain as to why you are telling me about Hyuga Koma." His voice does not have a shred of emotion within. His knees do not tremble, but his heart beats faster.
If he were any less deep, he'd feel faint. What do you want with the people I love?
"I only think that Hyuga Koma could be very interested in the work I want to offer him." Elder Shimura sighs. "But of course, ANBU Tiger knows nothing about him, or how to contact him. What a pity."
The old man disappears back into the shadows.
Koma stays there for a long moment, trying to bring his still beating heart under control. This is a threat to his family, to all that he's still capable of loving, but he knows his duty.
He'd entered ANBU under contract to keep his mouth shut about his fellows. He has duty to say nothing, despite even pressure from an Elder.
He is on duty when the Hokage is called down to the Hyuga Compound, one night in late December. It is Heiress Hinata's third birthday, today. What about a child's birthday party could call even the Hokage from his office at this time of night?
They arrive in the main dojo, and laid out in the center of the floor is the Head Cloud Ninja, clearly nothing more than a cooling corpse by this moment.
It is certainly enough to warrant calling the Hokage and his personal guard.
Hideya-sama looks concerned. Hiashi-sama looks entirely calm.
Hizashi-san has a face scraped clean of every emotion. He might as well have been stone.
"What happened here?" Hokage-sama asks, and he sound very very tired.
I am probably here because Hokage-sama wants as few outsiders to see this as possible. Hideya-sama and Hiashi-sama do not know my mask, but Hokage-sama is certainly giving them a great deal of face.
"The bastard tried to kidnap my daughter." Hiashi-sama snarls, veins bulging, arms wrapped around Hinata-hime, who seems to be sleeping peacefully. "So I killed him, as was my right."
Hideya-sama sighs. "My son has been rash." A glare in Hiashi-sama's direction. "And this is the result."
"You have killed a peace ambassador." Hokage-sama observes mildly. "The man signed a peace treaty with me just this morning. Kumo will be out for our blood. We are the ones who have broken the peace."
"He was about to kidnap Hinata, and you say that we are the ones who have broken the peace?" Hiashi-sama's arms tighten just a little more, and Hinata-hime squeaks in protest, her arms around her father's neck.
"We have no proof of that." Hokage-sama replies, and sighs. "But what's done is done."
The demand for Hiashi-sama's head comes by dawn the next morning. Kumo threatens war if their demand is not met.
It had been a trap either way.
Hizashi-san had come to him in the hour before dawn, and asked for his presence. "You wouldn't abandon me now, will you, Koma-kun?"
"Of course not, Hizashi-san." He offers the other man his shoulder. Hizashi-san seems to have aged a decade in the hours since he'd seen him last.
"Somehow, I still feel like you hate me, Koma-kun." He is speaking unnecessarily, but Koma is too tired to stop him. "I want you know that I am sorry for what I did to you."
"I do not hate you for what you did to me. The seal is only a seal." The ugly black manji on his forehead is simply a mark. It is nothing more than that.
Hizashi-san nods. "I did always wonder why you kept it uncovered." A rueful smile tugs at the man's lips. "I thought perhaps that you did it to spite me."
"Never, Hizashi-san." Koma replies. "I do not need to bandage my head when I have no injuries to speak of."
"I see." Hizashi-san takes him by the shoulders. "You were the first child I sealed." A sigh, the man looks close to tears. "The last was my own son. My Neji. Please, Koma-kun, take care of him. I have no one else to ask."
"I will." Koma says, though he scarcely knows why.
Hizashi-san nods, firm, and smiles, brighter than Koma has ever seen him. "I have no regrets then."
It is only when Hizashi-san volunteers to die in his brother's stead that Koma understands. So that is why.
He loves his brother.
The word love tastes like ash on his tongue. What is love?
There is no funeral. There isn't even a grave, but Koma does stop in to see Hizashi-san's now orphaned son between a shift in ANBU and overseeing his otouto's team in their training.
The boy throws a vase at him. "Go away!"
Koma steps closer. Grief makes people do strange things. He would know, it's bent and twisted him in all sorts of ways. "I will not."
"You're here to laugh." Neji kneels on the floor, shoulders heaving. "Go away, I don't want you."
"You want Hizashi-san." He sets a hand on the boy's shoulder. "But you can only have me, and I will not laugh at you."
"I don't want you." Neji sobs, the hitch in his voice more like a whimper than a scream. "I hate you."
Koma gathers the four year old in his arms. "You don't know the meaning of hate, Neji-kun." You haven't had the required amount of years to build resentment quite yet. "And you don't want to." More than grief, hate twists the heart to do all sorts of terrible things.
Hyuga Neji is still just a little boy. There is no need for him to learn how to hate.
The boy clings to him as he sobs. "I want Chichi. I want him back."
"I know." Koma tells him, though now that Hizashi-san is dead, he can admit to himself that pretty much every day had been a bad one. Hizashi-san had always been more a stranger than a teacher despite how much Koma himself did or did not understand. "But you cannot have him."
'But I w-want."
"You cannot have him anymore, Neji-kun. No one can." No one except Kumo.
Neji falls asleep in his arms, and he tucks the boy back into bed. Haya would know better what to do, but she is so busy these days with her own patients.
Hizashi-san had not asked Haya to take care of his son. He'd asked Koma.
Hyuga Koma simply recognizes that he is a terrible person to help with much of anything.
Failure tastes unusual on his tongue. Unusual enough that he does not remove his ANBU uniform before leaving base. And now, now it seems likely that Hokage-sama would consider Elder Shimura's request. It is all but agreed.
He could not possibly tell the Hokage that his oldest friend wants information for nefarious purposes and had threatened him. He has no proof. He has only rumors blowing in the wind.
It is merely his luck that he runs into Inuzuka Hana-chan on his way back to his house.
"Koma-senpai!" She calls, crossing the street. "Can I walk you home?"
He summons a smile for her, taking in her disheveled appearance and the direction from whence she'd come. "Hana-chan, if I am not much mistaken you just came from my home."
"Yes." She sighs, her honesty just the same as ever. "I just came from your house, but I want to walk with you." She'd seen something in him that has worried her then.
His smile slips from his face. "Of course you may if you wish to, Hana-chan." The little Inuzuka prodigy's worry is hardly something he wishes to court.
They walk another block in silence before he works up the energy to ask her a question. "If you had to choose between service to your village, and service to your clan, what would you choose?"
She glances up at him, something moving in her dark eyes, and he has to remind himself that she is not capable of reading his very soul. But asking her is better than trying to ask Kotsu, who would laugh and tell him that he is the only important thing in the world, and that he ought to watch out for his own neck.
"I would chose neither, Koma-senpai." She says. "I would choose my family."
He nods. "It is a good idea." He sighs. "The Elder Shimura wants me to work on more dangerous missions for him." He doesn't know why he tells her this, perhaps so that she'd know, when Elder Shimura approached her with a deal of his own, that she'd be on her guard. Perhaps it is because he lacks people to tell.
"You do not want to." She observes. "If you do not want to, you should refuse." She says this with the innocence that only childhood can bring. Only a child would say that anyone should simply refuse things that they disliked doing.
He laughs gently. "I do not think that is an option, Hana-chan." He smiles, smiles and tries to hide how much he feels the mountain on his shoulders. Duty. It is such a heavy word. "I cannot say no to Elder Shimura, the Hokage has agreed." Her face twists, something like fury working its way onto her features. He does not want to look at what he's done to this little eight year old. He turns away. "I assume the Clan would agree as well."
"But what would your family think?" What would they think? His gentle Haya, his happy Otouto, his wild Kotsu-chan, what would they think of him? Hyuga Koma, traitor to his village. They would shun him then, he is sure.
"They would not agree to such an arrangement." He comments. "That is why I asked you. The Inuzuka are known for being true to themselves, and you are the Inuzuka that I know best." This is a lie, a lie darker than any other he's told recently, and for someone who tells himself that he cares about truth, he's so bad at telling it.
Kotsu-chan's face flashes across his mind. He knows her better than he knows her little cousin, knows her grief, her anger, and her despair, but it suits his purposes to say that he knows Inuzuka Hana best. Her path is more like his that she knows.
She grabs both of his forearms, and looks him in the eye. "You love both Haya-senpai, and Toku-kun very much, Koma-senpai. And you care very deeply for your parents. Don't let Elder Shimura take what is precious to you away."
She knows nothing of how much he cares for her elder cousin. But her words are true. He nods once, to show that he's heard.
"I would like to resign from ANBU." He says at last, before both of his parents, before Hideya-sama, Hiashi-sama and Haruki-sama.
"Have you forgotten your duty to the clan, boy?" Hideya-sama asks him.
Koma smiles at him, meeting his eyes at last. "Yes. I would like to request this for my own peace of mind."
"Koma," Haha begins, but she is silenced by Hiashi-sama's glare.
"You are Branch. You have no place to ask anything."
"I am a human." Koma says at last, all the words he has always wanted to say spilling past his lips. The river is rising, and he lacks the energy to stop it. If he dies here today, he can hardly betray his word, his friend, and his family. "And I do not want to continue serving in ANBU."
The pain splits his head open. A strangled scream breaks from his throat. He had not screamed when the seal was applied, but he screams now.
He barely has the presence of mind to bit down, down on something. It is his flesh, but it stops him from screaming. The pain continues.
"Please, Hideya-sama! He is my only twin." It is Haya, Haya with her arms thrown wide as if she could shield him with her own body. "Please, Hideya-sama, Niisan did not mean to offend."
"Step aside, girl." Hideya-sama rumbles, just enough disdain, but also just enough mercy. "Step aside."
Haya shakes her head. "He is my brother. Please, spare him. I'll do anything. Please." You do not mean that, Haya. Please.
He sets a hand on her shoulder, and says three words that would break her heart. "Haya, step aside."
"No!" And it is Haya who is sobbing in his arms. His pain has ended, but his heartbreak has only just begun.
Teacups shatter across the floor. He barely pays attention. "What are you doing?" It is a girlish voice, and the fury reminds him of Kotsu-chan. "What do you think you're doing, Hyuga-sama?"
Koma raises his head. It is Inuzuka Hana-chan.
"Who do you think you are to question the Hyuga, little girl?" Hideya-sama looks furious, but she has no seal on her head to activate.
She bares her teeth, but she has no fangs. "I am a queen, and they are my pack." He did not know that his brother's little Inuzuka teammate loved so easily, but he should know better by now.
She has distracted Hideya-sama enough that Haya is no longer being tortured.
Hideya-sama raises a hand, but seems to think better of it, it does not descend.
"Go on. Go on. Strike me, Hyuga-sama, I dare you. You will not live to see the sunrise." She takes a step forward. "The pack hunts in the dark. I will be the Queen Mother of the Inuzuka, and when I am the first one I am hunting is you." Her voice is vicious enough that Koma almost believes her.
"You have no business here, girl." Hideya-sama sets down his hand. "Get out."
She turns to Hiashi-sama "You lost a twin, Hyuga-sama." Everyone knows never to speak of this, but she probably doesn't know. "They are twins who love each other far more than you ever loved your brother." She slams her hands on the table before Hiashi-sama, and digs her own grave deeper. "You let your brother die, Hyuga-sama. Think about the cross you carry."
Koma closes his eyes. "Please, Hana-chan. Don't make this harder." Don't do this to yourself, Hana-chan. I realize that you love us, more than I deserve, but please. You do not want this for yourself.
The next thing he feels is her hands warm against his wrists.
"I will be merciful." Hideya-sama says, but it is not mercy that he's offering. It is poison. Death would have been kinder. "All five of you will remain within the protection of the Hyuga Clan. I trust you understand your duty, boy."
Koma nods, his eyes still closed. "I understand."
"And Hideta, discipline your children. All three of them are disappointments." Hideya-sama is taking his anger out on Chichi-ue then. Koma feels almost sorry. "Your elder boy was the only point of pride you could scrap together, and he's proven disobedient at last."
"As you command, Hideya-sama." Chichi-ue murmurs, because that is what he has to do.
"I will have to speak to your Haha-ue, Inuzuka Hana." This is Hiashi-sama now. Koma listens, and wonders if Hana-chan's haha-ue would punish her. She probably would.
Koma is sorry, sorry for that.
"Haya-chan?" He sits by his sister's side, and wonders at why he recovered before her. Because Hideya-sama wants to prove his power.
It is my one good decision to choose a day that Toku is not inside the compound, and will not be for hours yet.
"Niichan?" She reaches out for him, and he takes her hand.
"I've come to a decision about my eyes." He says. It has always been about his eyes. These cursed all seeing eyes. It is why he has a seal. It is why he entered ANBU. It is why his life is a mess.
He would rather be blind.
"You don't mean it, Niichan." She says, and pulls him closer.
"I do." He tells her. "I do. I would rather be blind."
Her hands brush his eyes tenderly. "Do you hate ANBU that much, Niichan?"
He thinks about it, thinks about Raidou's whispers, Hatake's glares, Genma's casual laughter, thinks about how ANBU Mamba was invalidated out of ANBU, thirty stab wounds to the abdomen, nearly sent home in a body bag, thinks of the nightmares, the long nights, the blood on his hands, and how tired he is, thinks of the contracts that bind him, and how traitorous he'd be if he talked.
"Yes, Haya. I hate ANBU." It is another lie, a gross oversimplification of the truth, but he realizes, it's been years since he's told the truth.
Inuzuka Hana is sitting in her favorite training field when he interrupts. "Hana-chan?"
"Koma-senpai?" She scrambles to her feet, and rushes toward him. "Are you alright? Do you need something?"
He laughs softly, but inside his stomach rolls. "I will be fine, Hana-chan. I need to ask for your help." Oh and what a burden this will be for you. He takes her by the shoulders, but his grip is loose. "You're the only one who can help me." Lies. Lies. All lies. You are a liar, Hyuga Koma. You always have been, you always will be. A liar.
"How?" She asks, so innocent. He almost turns back.
But his thoughts are of Haya, of Toku, of Kotsu, and he does not want to be a traitor.
"Follow me." He straightens and leads her towards the Forest of Death. "We have to go to a different training ground for this."
"You'll have to take me to Konoha General after this." He smiles at her, the lies and the truth mixing until he knows nothing of who he is. "I'm sorry you have to see this Hana-chan. Wait half an hour here with me."
And then he pulls out a kunai and very deliberately slashes it over both of his eyes. The seal on his forehead tries to react, but this is no enemy attacking him, this is only himself. Self-mutilation is not something covered by the caged bird seal. He gouges out one eye with his bare hands and rips chakra enhanced scratches across that portion of his face.
"KOMA-SENPAI!" She sounds upset. It must be shocking for her to see this.
He grabs her by the elbows. "I'm very sorry, Hana-chan." But his hold is strong. She cannot twist away, and here, there is no one to hear them even if she was to scream.
"Why are you doing this?" She asks, so confused, so broken.
"Hana-chan." He says, and he's perfectly calm. "Please, sit down and wait with me." He wipes away some of the blood. It is uncomfortable to feel so bloody, to feel like he is bleeding and dying, but this pain is nothing. "I'll pass out before thirty minutes is up." He sighs." It is very painful, but listen to me, Hana-chan. If you want to help me you have to drag me out of here in twenty minutes, not before." He pulls her close, though it is no comfort at all. "I am choosing my family. I cannot serve in ANBU if I am blind." He tries to say this in a way that she'd understand.
I am sorry, Hana-chan. So sorry, but you must understand, I can't burden anyone else with this.
He could, but he could hardly trust his sister, his brother, or his Kotsu-chan not to drag him to the hospital before this. They would not understand.
He doesn't even know if Hana-chan would really agree. It is his blood on her hands despite how much he's spared her the act itself.
"You can't see when you're blind either!" She doesn't protest his hold.
"I am asking you to tell a lie for me, Hana-chan." The pain is greater now. "I was here training. I was mauled by a bear. They will not believe that." He takes a breath. "They will believe that I have set this up on purpose, but there's no real proof beyond what they believe. And you had a meeting with me here, that's why you are here to drag me back to Konoha General, but it will be too late. That's why you're covered with blood."
"Koma-senpai, are you sure?" She seems to be weakening. He can't see her, can't tell.
If she does as he asks, he will live the rest of his life in darkness.
"Yes." He whispers, and his hold on reality slips. Please Hana-chan. This is the last thing I will ever ask of you.
He wakes in the hospital, but waking is the same as not waking, to someone sobbing over his chest. "Niisan." It's Toku.
"Tokuma-kun?" He asks, and raises a hand rather awkwardly in an attempt to find his little brother. "Don't cry. I'm alright really."
"It wasn't a damned bear." Toku half screams. "Tell me the truth, Niisan. What happened to you? They said that Hana-chan brought you in, but she'd never do something like this. Tell me, Niisan." His brother is dissolving into hysterics.
"Who do you think?" Koma asks him. I did this for you, Otouto. But the depth of his little brother's love for Inuzuka Hana is unexpected. I did not think that you two were so close, so close as for even a hint of betrayal to seem so raw to you.
"I don't know, Koma-niisan. Tell me."
His hands find Toku's hair. "The hand in your hair." His brother gasps, but Koma continues. "I have no dream for ANBU."
"I don't understand you, Niisan." He sounds so betrayed, but Koma really is tired. Tired, tired, so tired.
Forgive me, Otouto. I've been the selfish one this time.
Hideya-sama comes to see him next. Koma recognizes him by his chakra. "So this is your decision then, boy." The old man sits down in the chair by his bedside. Strangely enough, he does not sound angry.
"I was mauled by a bear, Hideya-sama." Koma replies. "I slipped during my training in the Forest of Death. It was hardly a conscious decision."
"Oh, don't tell lies, boy." The chair creaks. "I had to get rid of the evidence of your own blood beneath your nails. You did it yourself, there was no bear in any of this. As if you would lose to a bear."
Koma inclines his head in the former clan head's direction, but keeps his mouth shut.
Hideya-sama laughs as he rises. "I will tell you this, boy. Your determination is commendable." The old man's footsteps had nearly died away, but he still speaks, poison dripping from every word. "But careful now, boy. The Inuzuka love strength above all. Your girl won't look twice at you now."
And his heart plunges, plunges into icy despair. The Inuzuka love strength.
I am a cripple now.
Haya guides him on New Year's Day, an arm looped through his so that he does not trip over objects.
"Hana-chan." He inclines his head in the direction of her approaching chakra. "And a guest." It is one of Kotsu-chan's sisters, but he does not know them well enough to tell which one she is by her chakra, so he merely nods in her direction.
"How did you know where we were?" Her voice sounds like...Kihaku, he decides. This is Kihaku, not Kosha. "You're fully blind right now, right?"
Hideya-sama's words come back to him. The Inuzuka love strength above all.
He smiles. "I am a chakra sensor, Inuzuka-chan. I still do know where most people are." Tell your sister to come and see me so that this can be over with, Kihaku. Tell her of how broken I am now, how crippled, how I will never fight again.
Tell her.
"I'm glad to see you're still alive." It's Hana. Hana who doesn't seem to have noticed his despair.
He acknowledges her statement with a nod, and tilt of his head. "It is thanks to you, Hana-chan."
"Thank you, Hana-chan." Haya murmurs from beside him. "We are in your debt, Koma-niisan and I."
"Come, Hana." Toku says, his voice seemingly farther away. "Walk with me to Mufu-an."
Koma does not think that his brother really wants to go to a tea house, but it isn't really his place to protest.
He has found another bar now, although it is awkward enough to sit here. It's been months already. He should be used to this by now. "It's strange isn't it?" "Isn't that the Hyuga Prodigy?" "How was he defeated by a bear?" "Hush." "Oh come on now, he can't hear us, he's blind." His ears still work fine, despite his lack of eyes.
"A bottle of awamori, I'll drink it straight." He folds his bills now, so that he can distinguish between the different ones.
A hand over his stops him from sliding it over. "Bartender, I'm paying." It's Kotsu-chan.
He tilts his face up in her direction. "How did you find me?"
She sits down on the stool, taking care to make enough noise that he knows what she's doing. She doesn't move her hand away. "I followed my nose like any good Inuzuka." She doesn't say that she just looked for the blind man. He is grateful. She forces his bills back in his wallet without a hint of shame. The action is annoying. Had he been-normal, uncrippled, whole-like before, he would have argued, but right now, he really can't.
There is no Jyuken to him now, and what is he exactly without his eyes?
"You've been avoiding me, Koma." She sounds...annoyed? Upset? Irritated, he settles for that. She sounds irritated.
"I figured you didn't want to see me." See. He nearly laughs at this. "I can't see you."
She presses a glass of awamori into his hand. "I trust you can still find your mouth, Mr I-can't-see-so-woe-is-me."
He doesn't bring it to his lips. "You can leave now." He doesn't want to sit here next to her. Sumimaru bumps his other hand, whines, and drools on his thigh. He hasn't the energy to push the dog away. "You've seen the blind man."
"You think I'm here to see you 'cause you're blind?" She laughs, and it sounds like she's choking. "Okami, you really are a stupid one, aren't you?" She takes him by the hand, and drags him away. He stumbles along after her.
"You left the bottle here, Girlie!" The bartender shouts after them.
"Oh, sell it to some other poor fool. You overcharge anyway." She yells back, still dragging Koma along.
He's disoriented. "We've left my cane behind." He says. Really, he just wants to return to the bar, and have her leave him alone.
"Like you really need a cane when you've got me." She slings his arm over her bony shoulders, and her own arm snakes around his waist. "You're daft, ya know."
She doesn't seem to be treating him any differently. He realizes this through the haze of his own self pity. "When are you leaving me?" He asks.
"Just about never." Her lips brush his jaw, and she cups his face with both hands. Her fingers are a little cold. He can imagine her, the lighting in her eyes, the tightness of her lips, the big black dog curled around her legs. Sumimaru's tail bumps against his legs. "You're stuck with me, Hyuga Koma, never forget that."
"Why?" He really shouldn't ask, shouldn't push his luck, he's got it good enough. The Inuzuka love strength above all.
I should have known that it was a lie.
"'Cause you listened." Her grip on his face tightens. "You invite a wolf into your heart. You're never kicking her out, you understand?" She sounds slightly frightened. He hasn't the heart to tell her that her words are more of a plea than a declaration, or an order.
He tilts his head down until their foreheads touch, and sighs. "Yes, I understand, Kotsuzui-hime."
"Kotsu." She whispers, breath warm against his lips. "Just Kotsu."
"Kotsu." He agrees. "Kotsu-chan."
When their lips meet it tastes of resolution, of union, and it doesn't matter that he cannot see it.
He feels it in his bones. And maybe that is all truth is.
"Never forget who you are.
The rest of the world will not.
Wear it like armor,
And it can never be used to hurt you."
-Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
A.N. So, Koma-senpai's life has been...well one big roller coaster ride of there are many layers of messed up. But he managed to survive it all, and things are getting better, if only slightly. He's still blind at the end of it all.
I promise I am not dead, FFnet has just been strange recently, so I've had a hard time publishing things. Currently, things are on a temporary fix while I try to work through some technical issues.
Thank you so much to ManawaSasa, Born to Sleep (I just feel that the whole Uchiha situation wouldn't have gone south so bad if he were you know...good at politics.), Belphygor, EverBear01, LittleMissSugarLess, ArturoLJ50, AnimeFreak71777 (:P), MiyuKazu, Shion Lee (I'm glad you liked it! And don't worry, beautiful is an adjective...), NightsBlackRose13, Cooked Ghost (Mikoto the Matchmaker, yes she is sometimes quite strange.), Axel Fones, Love Stories00 (We might get that, but I don't know entirely.), syphiralae (Thanks! I fixed it.), fernandfeather, LightofKenopsia (Thank you! And I think it's just called 'family feels' but I don't know.), UnbiasedBias (Yes. Fugaku spends much of his life focused on the future and not the past. It's what makes him strong.), StarklyRamie (I live to make people like Fugaku! The scene where he and Mikoto sit waiting for Itachi to come kill them breaks my heart every time I watch it, and I am convinced that he isn't a horrible human being.), and Guest (I will have another Kakashi perspective. It's called Bansai, but trying to write it is like pulling teeth right now.) for reviewing!
And everyone who favorited and followed!
~Tavina.