Rey was feeling anxious since she left with Kylo in his car.
No one says a word until they stop at the first stoplight, and Kylo goes for the radio. He switches it on and hits the AUX button. Under the stereo, he has his iPod plugged in, and without saying anything he drops the device in Rey's lap. She blinked and look up at him, but he's staring forward as if nothing happened and she imagined the entire thing.
Rey scroll through his playlists and surprised to see that he has a list with different people's names.
Phasma
Kato
Romeo
Shiro
Rey
Rey was frozen when she saw her name.
Upon reading the last playlist title she inhale quickly and look up at Kylo, he knew her favorite songs. He's still facing forward, and she click into the list labeled Rey.
It has to be mine, right? Who the hell else could it be?
She open it up and click the first song at the top.
Stars by xx
I can give it all on the first date
I don't have to exist outside this place
And dear, know that I can change.
She gulp and slumped lower in her seat with the iPod clutched in her hands. She saw him turn slightly to look at her. She bite her bottom lip and start to nibble it as she think about what this means. And why the hell is this song so perfect to describe them on that night?
She listen to the lyrics and resist the urge to look up at Kylo every time a line in the song seems to fit their situation. Which would mean she was staring at him through the entire song. Unable to handle it anymore, she press a button for the next song in the shuffle, and Hero by Enrique Iglesias comes on. She just closed her eyes and listened.
Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Or would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you love?
Oh hold me in your arms tonight
I can be your hero baby..
I can be your hero...
When she relaxed and start to just go with the flow, she suddenly yelped when car was stop by the breaks. Rey saw the black range rover behind Kylo's car. She looked at him for any kind of explanation . He doesn't say anything—of course—but he gets out of the car and folds his seat for Shiro to get out.
Rey froze when she saw Kato Ren slip out from the driver's side of the black range rover in front of them, and she started to get nervous.
Shiro gets out of the car angrily and glares at Kylo the whole time. "I can't believe you convinced me to do this," he growls and throws a look at her before he scowls at Kylo again. "If you…" He pauses and shakes his head. "Just remember what we talked about."
Kylo nods. Rey has learn that he is not a man of many words.
"You got one hour, and then I'm looking for you. I swear you're wasting your time and my patience." His eyes are alight with a fiery threat. "Just don't fucking forget what I said to you." He shakes his head and goes to the passenger side of the range rover , where he gets in and slams the door.
"Later." Kato nod for once again and jumps in his car before peeling out. These guys definitely have a thing for fast cars and making noise.
Kylo waits until they're completely out of sight before he slips back into his car. He doesn't slam the door, but he shuts it firmly.
Rey was anxious.
She waited for him to start the engine again, but all he does is stare at the steering wheel instead. She played with the iPod in her hands while she wait to see if he's ever going to say anything. She was sure as hell won't break the silence first.
He shakes his head and laughs quietly to himself, and then he reaches in front of her to open the glove box. There's a pack of cigarettes, along with a small black box and a handful of unopened cigars. He grabs the cigarettes and puts one between his lips. He holds the box out to her, and she shakes her head. He shrugs and throws it back in the glove compartment, and then he slams it shut.
It's cold in his car, and Rey shivered and run her hands up and down her arms. She heard him flick his lighter and turn to see him light up and inhale deeply. The smoke comes out of his nose as he starts to shrug out of his leather jacket.
"Here," he mumbles around his cigarette and holds the jacket out to her.
Rey did not want to take it, but she didn't want to be cold either. Besides, something tells her if she say no to him he'll put it on her anyway. He doesn't like to hear no; it's obvious in everything he does. He starts up the car and pulls back out onto the road.
She start to think they're just going to drive to her house in silence, but when she pressed play on the iPod, he slaps the power button on the stereo, shutting it off.
Rey sigh in annoyance and cross her arms over my chest. "Why are you doing this?" she mumbled.
He makes her wait a few beats before he answers. "You ask more questions than you answer." He blows a cloud of smoke out his window, and she started to chew on the inside of her cheek.
"Well I hope you know it's too late. Whatever it is you think you're going to say to convince me that you're not a—"
"Shut up!" he snaps angrily.
Her mouth immediately snaps shut, and she hate that she always just obey every command he gives her, without question. As if she was the puppet and he was her master, she can almost feel him controlling her strings. He always knows with ones to pull.
"You said your piece the last time we were together. Now it's my turn." He flicks his cigarette out his window and rolls it up.
Rey wanted to ask him who the fuck Phasma is. Lord knows she could find out about Phasma if she wanted, probably without much effort.
But right now Angel has threatened her so far.
"Angel knows," she replied against his wishes.
He doesn't seem to care very much, and that makes her angry.
"Did you hear me?" Rey asked, her voice getting louder.
"Yes." His tone is borderline irritated.
She crossed her arms. "Well do you care?"
"You obviously do," he mutters. His face is twisted into this ugly scowl that makes her really uncomfortable. Mostly because she knew that it's there because of her. She don't want to be the reason he looks like he wants to kill someone.
"Pull over," Rey hissed at him. He ignores her, and she snapped at him again, "I said pull over, now!"
He slams on the beaks, and the tires squeal as they skid against the concrete road. She smell rubber, and it burns her nose, but She was so pissed that she didn't even care.
Rey whirled around to shout at him again but stop herself . He's breathing hard, and his eyes are murderous. His fingers clench the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are pure white.
He cuts the engine and slams a hand onto the wheel so hard that she jumped in her seat and feeling every hair on her body stand on end. Her mouth has run dry and her body was in flight mode, but her head and heart wanted a fight.
Why am I so stupid? She thought.
"Goddamn it!" he roars and hits the wheel again. This time the car honks when he slaps the horn.
"You're scaring me," Rey whispered in all honesty.
He starts to laugh. Low, bitter laughter that just add to her anxiety. Her hand touches the door handle and her eyes dart to the lock.
Rey watches him closely as he stares at the wheel, trying to calm down. She licked her lips and slowly start to move her fingers over the lock on the door. Its one of those thing metal ones that sticks up at the top of the door. Her fingers are shaky, but she went for the lock anyway, and in one quick move Rey pull it up and grab the handle.
"Shit!" Kylo gasps and dives over the seat to pull her back inside.
"Get off me!" Rey shouting at him and fight to get him to let her go.
He's easily about ten times stronger than her. "Knock it off!" he yells in her face. "Stop fighting me! I'm not going to hurt you!"
"Let go!" Rey scream as loud as she can.
"Fine!" he practically roars back and shoves her against the car door.
Her shoulder hits the pulled up lock on the door, and it feels like someone's stabbed her. She lift a shaky hand to pull through her crazed golden hairs and immediately start to cry.
Rey's emotions were all over the place when it comes to Kylo Ren . And she hates him for it.
"Don't cry," he growls.
It just makes her cry harder.
"Stop it," he yelled.
Rey shook her head and bangs her knees to her chest while she curled up on his seat.
"Please baby, stop crying. Baby, I'm fucking sorry, okay? Just stop… I can't handle… fuck." He jumps out of the car and rushes around to her side.
The door was jerked open, and he kneels down to look up at her. "I'm sorry," he whispers and pulls her hands away from her face.
Rey hiccup into her knees. "I hate you," she whimpers.
I do; I hate him. So much.
She heard him gulp. "I know," he replies in a calmer tone.
"I r-really, r-reallyh-hate you," her words are shaky as she struggles to control her tears.
"I deserve that," he agrees with her and pushes the hair out of herface.
Rey lifted her head and wipe her hands over her eyes. She so glad that she was too tired this morning to put on any makeup, or else she would be so screwed right now.
He pulls her legs down from her chest and turns her body so that she was facing him.
"Hey," he sighs, "look at me, please."
She did, but her vision's blurry.
Kylo slides his thumb over both her cheeks to rid of face of the tear streaks. "I'm a fucking asshole," he says but it sounds like he's talking to himself. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm sorry. All I wanted was a chance to explain…"
"Who is Phasma?" Rey jumped right into the main reason.
He breathes through his nose and runs his hands through his hair. "My next door neighbor." He looks up at her and stares into her eyes. "She's also one of my best friends, and I love her like a sister."
Rey keep staring at him, silently asking him to continue. That's not good enough for her. He must sense this because he starts talking again. He puts his hands on her exposed knees and rubs his thumbs over them.
"Remember when I told you I was on my own after my parents died and toxic experience with shitty motherfuckin Foster?" he asks.
Rey nod. "Since you were 12,"
He gives a small smile; he's happy she remember. "Yeah. Well, my luck was good that I met Skywalker around 12. He is one of biggest attorneys in here. He took care of me and when I was 16 he helped me along." Rey took this all in and listen as he keeps going. "I've been friends with Phasma since pre teen , longer than I've even known Shiro and Kato." He scratches the back of his head and sighs.
"She's the one who knew about…" He pauses and frowns. "Shit that was going down at home. Eventually it got to the point that I started staying at her and her sister's place."
Rey nod so that he knows she is still with him. She even touch the top of his hand over her left knee with the tips of her fingers. It feels like magnets. The second she touched him, she had to snap onto him completely, and she does so by grabbing his hand and placing it between her.
It fits perfectly. Like two pieces of missing puzzle.
"Phasma's sister was dating a guy who was new to the system, but he was hard working and loyal." He squeezes her knee with his other hand.
"Skywalker? She felt disturbing the sister sounds young but have a relationship with an old attorney," Rey finish.
"No his grandson Jerome." he corrected her.
"So Skywalker was like your uncle who helped you?" she asked.
He nods. "He helped me come to the decision to legally take care of myself. He helped me find a job. Skywalker helped me to learn how to survive in this world and I am not the lost innocent kid anymore who cried millions of nights for his parents but."
Rey hear a "but" coming…
"But I was young and stupid, and Skywlker showed me what happened to kids who had that same mentality. He took me to a group home, a homeless shelter, and a rehabilitation center, and he showed me all these pamphlets and statistics and shit I don't ever want to see again." His hand tightens over her knee, and Rey squeeze his other hand harder between her.
"Phasma is just my friend, Babe." Once again he stares into her eyes. "That's it. Sometimes I can't sleep, and I bother her because she's right there, and she knows why I can't sleep."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" Rey asked him.
He closes his eyes and shrugs. "I don't know? I just don't want you to write me off because you think I'm gonna play you. I'm not." He shakes his head. "you have no idea how long I've waited for a chance to…"
She felt her heart stopped. She is not that good and strong to be with a hurricane like Kylo. She wasn't just that girl for him. She hate what she about to say next.
"Kylo," she sighed.
"Don't." He holds a hand up. "Don't call me Kylo. Not you."
She licked her lips and start again. "Ben," she said and looked at him, "I'm with Poe now."
She waited for it to click for him, but it doesn't. "So break up with him." He shrugs, as if this is an easy fix.
She shake her head in denial. "I can't."
"Why not?" His eyes start to cloud over. "Are you saying you don't want to be with me?" He pulls his hands away and pushes up to his feet so that he's standing over her
"Don't do that." she climb outside the car and poke his chest.
"Don't do what?" he snaps. "Make you actually answer a fucking question for once?"
"I can't do this with you, Ben, You don't understand, okay? It's not like I can just dump him and be with you. It doesn't work like that. I'm already a pariah among most of my peers, and people like Angel makes my life hell since mom is gone I'm not that strong girl you think I am but it's just a false facade. If I dump the fucking 'Golden Boy' of high school for you they will never forgive me."
"What the fuck does it matter what they think or what they say? Transfer out; go to Korriban with me. People ain't that much toxic there." He rams his fingers through his hair.
"I know you feel this, Rey ," he says and motions between them. "You felt it that night, and you feel it now. So the fuck what if circumstances are against us? Are you seriously that shallow?"
His words hit her like a slap across her face. She visibly flinch and back away from him, and he cringes because he knows he's lost her. She look away from him and fight to keep her expression from betraying just how much that his words hurt.
"Take me home," she mutter acidly.
"You know what?" He chuckles, and she angrily glare up at him. "Fine," he snaps. "I'm not kissing your ass. I told you what I had to say. I just fucking shared with you something that only about five people know about me, and you throw it back in my face. Thanks a lot, Rey." He scoffs in disgust and walks over to get into his car.
She felt her world collapse in front of her eyes.
She gulp and quietly get onto the car, waiting for him to drive her home.
"You know, Shiro told me you were a bitch? But I never once thought he could actually be right." He scowls at the steering wheel. "Guess the joke's on me, huh?"
He drives her home without another word. When they roll up to the driveway, she saw her dad's car already park, and she know she is about to get in trouble. But she don't care. She has about ten seconds to get inside before she break the fuck down.
Slowly, she pulled her arms out of Kylo jacket, and then she just open the door and got out. She barely step outside and shut the door behind her before he takes off so fast that it kicks up a cloud of dust in her face.
Rey gulped and turn around just in time to see her dad swing the door open and look around until his eyes settle on her. "Rey ?" he asks, curious.
"Hey, Dad." she raised a hand to wave, and her voice cracks at the end.
"What's wrong?" He steps outside the house and looks hard at her puffy eyes. "Who was that? Did someone hurt you? Did Cassian met you? I had asked him to pick you up."
She shook her head and walk inside. "I don't feel good, Dad. I'm just gonna take a shower and go to bed." she shoved past him and rush up stairs before he can stop her. She stumble into the bathroom and turn all the knobs on high, letting the shower drown out the first sob that escapes her lips. He was right; they were right.
Kylo.. Shiro… whoever else keeps their opinions of her to themselves.
She was a shallow, little, whore bitch. The revelation is not sweet; it hurts more than she can say. Rey felt like she'd hurt Kylo, even though a part of her keeps saying that no one can hurt him. He's a stone wall when it comes to emotions. But today he looked at her as if she had bulldozed that wall right to the ground.
She came outside and took her mother's photo out from the drawer next to the table on her right side.
She traced the picture. Her mother looked happy, graceful and full of life and the little baby smiled along with her.
Pic was taken when she was born.
She needs her mother to tell her everything will be alright. This will be perfect after the storm. She is brave enough to face a thunder storm like Kylo Ren.
But something hit her when she picked up her phone and send three words message to Poe.
"Let's break up."
X_X
Next day Rey did not see her father but a note on the table with her breakfast that Cassian will pick her up again because he had to go for the final hearing of kidnapping case.
Rey didn't care about what's happening around her. She was silent. Rose kept asking her all day what was wrong. Rey was glad that Poe did not come to school. He had to go out of town for urgent work.
School was over and Rose still bombing her with questions. But Rey was froze when. She saw who was waiting for her..
It's Shiro.
Her dad had mentioned that Cassian will pick her up. She took a breath of relief when she didn't spotted Kylo but somewhere in her heart was disappointment. But for what?
Rey ignored Rose when she hopped to the passenger side. Shiro was Clarissa' s brother and Cassian only son but he was a Knight.
"What are you doing here?" Rey asked him without much conviction. She was tired, and all she wanted want to go home, and she was avoiding Rose so she jumped inside Shiro's car.
Shiro, who is leaning against his car like some sort of GQ ad, pushes off the hood and opens the passenger door for her. "Get in," is all he says.
"Where is uncle Cassian?" she ask, ignoring his order.
He rolls his eyes. "I obviously called and convinced him to let me pick you up."
"My dad knows we don't get along, Shiro. No way would he let you come here." Rey crossed her arms defiantly.
Shiro smirks, and she try to imagine how many girls' pants he's gotten into using that same cocky expression. "I may or may not have misled him a bit," he shrugs.
Upon a closer inspection, she can see the hint of a fading bruise just below his chin and the corner of his lip is scabbed over. But she pretend she didn't notice this. "Like how?" she narrowed her eyes at him.
He sighs and shakes his head, done playing this game of twenty questions with her. "Your dad thinks my dad aka Cassian is picking you up. Just like he thought my dad was picking you up yesterday."
Rey swallowed the bile she feel creeping up her throat and charge forward until she was folded inside his car.
"Good choice," he mocks her and shuts her door.
Rey look up and expect to see if Rose was staring at her, but she's not there. She look around for her or anyone else she recognize, and there is no one. She pull out her phone to see if she's left her any messages, but there is no word from her.
"Trouble in paradise?" Shiro pokes fun at her grouchy mood as he starts up his car and loudly revs the engine.
"Just take me home," she mutter and stare out her window.
She saw him shake his head in the window's reflection. "Oh, if only it were that simple."
Rey don't ask him what he means. At this point, she really don't care what happens to her.
Her life was twisted in worse cases.
-x-
Rey knew Shiro was in a fight because he had a fading bruises she wanted to ask him about his face. She want to ask him when he started listening to Eminem, 50 Cent, and Tupac? But she don't. Rey know better than to say a damn word right now.
Rey knew not to expect him to drive her straight home. So when they pass by the strawberry Street that leads to her house, she know she was in for some seriously awkward conversation.
His stereo is loaded, and the car literally shakes from the bass in every song. Right now, he's blasting Dr. Dre's latest and actually like this song, but she don't want him to know that in case he changes the song to spite her.
Is this really what once childhood close friends has become, he and her ?
First they weren't the closest of friends back in the day, but after that he was still a friend regardless. He was her first friend in town after her mother died and her father met Cassian and she met Clarissa and Shiro, pretty much the only friend she had for almost an entire life before she enter high school and last year she messed around with Kylo and everything changed.
They didn't hang out on the weekends; he had his own friends and his own parties to go to. He never invited her to any, but she wouldn't have accepted had he asked her. It was a rare occasion that he'd blow off his friends to spend the day with her. Otherwise, they would only really see each other when their dads hung out and dragged them along.
He suddenly started avoiding her. Shiro forgot about the close friends they were. So she was not going to forget his ass that easily.
She pulled out her phone to see if she have any messages, and she only find one. She expect it's from Rose, or maybe even Poe. But she was shocked to see that it's from Fin. She open it and laugh because once again because when all the text says is:did u take notes in Spanish? Can I have? Plzzzz!
Rey shook her head and text him back that she'll make him a copy and bring it in tomorrow. She sigh, resting her head on her seat when her phone suddenly buzzes with Fin's reply.
Oh, and btw… WTF? U broke up Poe via SMS and not a single explanation?
That's more like it. Rey press all the appropriate buttons and respond by completely avoiding answering his questions. So her reply goes something like this:is it ok if I hand write the notes? My printers out of ink.
His reply is instant:Nice try. I'm onto u. Talk l8er.
Shit. She shut her phone off completely and drop it into her bag on the floorboard. We fly down Sanore and she start to worry that we're going to Korriban. Her eyes dart over to stare at him, and then she gulp and suck it up. "Where are we going?"
"She speaks!" he shouts without turning to look at her.
She rolled her eyes, "Seriously Shiro, this could be considered kidnapping."
"Not when you willingly got into the car," he mutters and does a hard turn at the next corner so that she fly across her seat and hit the window. "Lots of witnesses can attest to that," he adds.
Rey huff and brush away all the hair that's fallen into her eyes. "Why are you doing this? You hate me."
He snorts and licks his wounded lip. "Maybe I'm trying to see if you harbor any redeeming qualities."
Is he fucking kidding me?
"I haven't seen any yet, by the way," he rookies shortly after.
Her mouth sets into a thin, tight line. "If this has to do with Kylo…." she turn in her seat to face him. "You're wasting your time."
Shiro still refuses to look at her. "No," he mutters through gritted teeth, "and I would appreciate it if you didn't tell him about this."
Rey curl her lip at him. "And I would appreciate it if you'd kiss my ass."
"You sure don't disappoint, do you Rey-Rey?" he chuckles and shakes his head in a way that makes her feel like there's a joke about her in there.
"What do you want?" she asked him and roll down her window to stick her hand outside. "Really," she demand the truth.
He sighs and rubs a hand over his face.
"Explain to me what the fuck is going on between you and Kylo."
Rey snort, "Like he hasn't told you all the sordid details. Don't act like he didn't give you and Kato a full play by play."
"Well that answers my next question." He frowns, and his expression is one of disappointment. "Remember when we were friends?"
She snort.
He laughs because he knows how stupid that question was. "I know it's filed away in one of those 'lock this up and throw away the key' cabinets." He rolls his eyes. "But do you remember what I used to say about my friends?"
Rey sigh and decide to indulge him. "Stay away from them," she mumble in answer.
He nods. "Do you remember why I told you that?"
She figure it can't be that hard to guess. "They're players."
He shrugs. "They are, but that's not why I warned you against them. They're not bad guys; they're just not the best guys." He pauses and drives a few seconds in silence before he starts up again. "They're troubled, Rey ," he says. "At the time, I thought I was protecting you."
Rey frown in confusion. That is not at all how he'd made it seem.
"But I see now it was all for nothing. That bastard Kylo, He still fucking got to you, even though he swore to me he'd stay as far away from you as possible." He shakes his head. "Imagine what that's done to our friendship."
She nibble on her bottom lip and bring her hand up to chew on the end of her thumbnail. "What happened to your face?" she mumble.
He smirks and touches his wounds. "You should see the other guy."
A rush of fear washes over me. "What did you do to Kylo?"
"Nothing he didn't deserve," Shiro snaps at her. "You see, there was a reason I told you that Kato would have been the better alternative, had you ever decided to go there…"
She begun to chew her nail into almost nothing. "Why?" she ask.
"Because I know Kato would never choose a chick over his friends," he spits out angrily. "Kato understood what you meant to me. Kylo…" He chuckles humorlessly. "Did you know he's had a hard-on for you since before you even came to town and he hadn't met you yet?"
Rey stop chewing. Her thumb remains where it is. She cannot move.
"Yup," he keeps talking, "Dad's always been so proud of you. You were always the little girl he never had. Because my sister Calriaa always a drunk rebellious cunt but you were always perfect golden girl Rey."
Rey sense a bit of resentment in his tone but she say and do nothing about it. "Your pictures through the years have always been added to the mantle above the fireplace in our house. And sometimes, when Dad was feeling extra loving, he'd like to remind us how much of a loser we were compared to you. Best part? He liked to say it in front of my boys."
Rey gulp and dropped her hand into her lap.
"Kato would just roll his eyes when Dad started in. We just tuned him out. But that bastard Kylo?" He snickers. "It was like the fucker was hypnotized. Sure, he pretended to be just as bored as we were. But when he was the one reminding me it was your fourteenth, fifteen.. birthdays on every damn July 17th. I knew something was up."
Why is he telling me all of this? To warn me away? To tell me to stay?What?
"I know our last real conversation ended with us breaking off our friendship, and I'm not asking to fix that. I just want you to know a few things before you go on your merry way." she hate how condescending he sounds. "First, I don't hate you. I never did. Was I disappointed? Yes. Hurt? Yeah, I was. But I got over it, and I moved on. You made your choice; you chose them. Understandable, given the fact that you go to school with them and not with me."
Rey have to bite her tongue to keep from adding her two cents. He has it all wrong. So wrong.
"Second, I don't resent you, even though my dad drilled it into my head how much better you were than me. He thought he was doing it to motivate me; I get that now. I'm over it." He shrugs this off nonchalantly.
Rey feel him building up to something, and the anticipation is making her nervous.
"Third, I think you're a bitch. Yes, I said it to Kylo. And yes, I believe it. And sadly, you've done nothing but prove me right time after time."
It feels like someone's literally shoved a knife onto her chest right now. Rey press a hand to her heart and try to steady her breathing.
"But that doesn't mean that's all I think you are." At this, he finally turns to look at her "It was because I cared about you, Rey, that I didn't want you to get mixed up with my friends. Kato has commitment issues, and Kylo…" He whistles. "Where do I start?"
She look down at her hands in her lap. This is the most passive she has been in days.
"Fourth, I cared about you as a sister before, and I guess in a way… I still do now. I got into it with Kylo last night over you. I told him to stay away, and he didn't. I tried to tell him that you weren't the same person my dad used to talk about, but he didn't listen. It wasn't so much that he was sprung on you. I think it was more that he was curious about you. Add to that the fact that you were 'forbidden,' and I should have known he'd see you as a challenge and want you even more." they exit off the next ramp, and he drives over a bridge to turn around and start back home.
"And whatever happened that night…" Shiro grimaces. "He won't reveal the details. Based on your reaction earlier, I'm glad he didn't. But whatever it was that went down, it's turned him inside out, Rey. So I'm asking you right now…" He looks right at her. "Are you in or out?"
She wrinkle her brow, confused. "In or out of what?"
He smiles more to himself than to her and says, "Let me ask you this first. Are you into my boy Kylo?"
She find myself answering before she actually stop to think about it. "Yes."
He doesn't look satisfied with her answer. A part of her thinks he was hoping she would say no. "Fine. Then I have two more questions to ask you. One, do you want to be with him? And two, do you understand what being with Kylo Ren actually means?"
Rey remains silent.
"I don't expect you to answer right now. I'd actually prefer that you think this over really hard. Because being with Kylo isn't simple. He has trust and abandonment issues, he's possessive and jealous, and he has one hell of a temper. He's one intense motherfucker, Rey , and everyone will expect you to be the one to handle him when he loses his cool. Do you think you can handle that?"
Her answer is simple and honest. "No." she sadly shake her head back and forth. "I'd really like to be able to say yes, Shiro, but I can't. I can barely handle myself, and even then I'm failing miserably. I like him, but I don't know him. Yeah, I feel a connection. I do, but…" she shake her head and laugh at myself softly. "You make being with him sound like a full time job. I'm seventeen fucking years old, and this is some deep shit you just dropped on me. It's just way beyond my maturity level."
He nods his head in understanding. "I appreciate your being honest with me."
They drive the rest of the way home in silence.
X_X
Shiro pulls up to her house and rolls to a stop at the end of the driveway. She know this is where she was supposed to get out and go inside. They will act like this never happened, and they will both go on with our separate lives. But she has come to realize something in the past half hour, something that she had to say out loud just for the hell of it.
"I miss you Shiro and our times," she say with one hand on the door handle and the other clutching the shoulder strap on her messenger bag. "I'm not saying that so you'll feel obligated to do anything about it. I just wanted you to know that… I miss you."
His hands tighten around the wheel, but he stays quiet, so she take that as a sign that she can keep talking.
Rey took a deep breath. "We weren't super close, but we weren't strangers either. You were my friend, and I took our friendship for granted. I didn't realize that letting you walk out the door meant losing someone I could really count on."
She let him stew over that for a while. He's still staring forward, but his brow isn't so wrinkled anymore, and his hands aren't gripping the wheel like before. She want him to say something, but she was not sure what that is. So she guess his silence is actually sort of a good thing. It means he's thinking about what she was saying.
But she can't handle the silence right now. So she start talking again. Only this time, she can't stop.
"I hate it at that school. I hate walking up every morning and having to walk into that place. Everyone is so fake, and I always have to watch what I say and what I do. I couldn't stand being invisible anymore. Did you know that I thought you were embarrassed to hang out with me because I wasn't cool enough?" she laugh as she say this because she see now how ridiculous she was to think that.
Shiro turns his head and looks over at her with an expression of surprise and disbelief. "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Rey ?"
Her head moves from side to side. "That was one of the reasons I thought becoming popular would be a good thing. You never wanted to hang around me unless I begged you, or you had to. If you couldn't even stand me, then no wonder no one wanted to be my damned friend at school."
"Rey …" He turns his whole body now.
"Don't." she hold up a hand to stop him. "You had your reasons. Now I'm telling you mine. I told you to mind your business that day you tried to convince me to quit my high school… because I couldn't understand why you were trashing my new friends. I still, to this day, don't agree with what you said about Rose, but you were totally right about everyone else."
"I…" He looks down and shakes his head slowly before he looks up at her again. "I didn't want to be right, Rey ."
She shrug and face him. "Doesn't matter now, does it?"
He sighs and leans back into his chair. "No, I guess not."
"You said I would change and become just like them. Funny thing is that I didn't even realize you were right until yesterday, while I was talking to Kylo. That's two for three, Shiro." she laugh and wiped her cheek where a tear's fallen.
I'm not crying. I'm just frustrated. I'm tired.
Of everything.
"I don't know why I went with Kylo that night. I don't…" she bite her lip and look down at her lap. "I'm not… like that. I don't randomly hook up with strangers." she look up at him quickly. "But when I was standing there next to him that night?" she look out the window and recall everything from memory. "I remember feeling so out of place without Rose there with me at that party. I went outside just to getaway from that feeling when I was terribly missing my mom…" she pause to run her fingers through her hair and scratch her scalp. "And there was Kylo Ren, a perfect distraction."
"So that's all he is then." Shiro's tone holds an edge of bitterness. "A distraction from your powder puff life," he scoffs.
"No!" she was sure to correct him quickly. "That's not what he is… was…"she sigh and clench her eyes shut. "I don't know okay ? I mean it's not like I wasn't up front about it. He knew I wanted to get away from that part of myself, and he went with it. And for a moment it was just us. Like it was just… him and me. There was no social hierarchy or rich or poor… it was him and me."
Shiro looks confused, but he at least he isn't looking at her with contempt. She can live with that. For now.
"And afterwards, when I was sure the moment was over, and it was time to go back to reality, he asked me to go home with him. I couldn't believe it wh—"
"He what?" Shiro's entire attitude changes from contemplative to absolute shock and disbelief. "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Rey ? He asked you to his apartment?"
She nod, she was unable to do much else.
"Motherfucker…" he hisses under his breath and smacks the wheel as he mutters a bunch of indecipherable words to himself. "You don't even…" He shakes his head at me and turns his face away.
Rey gulp and nervously crack her knuckles in her lap. Shiro doesn't talk for a while, and she don't move because she know he's working up to telling her something she need to hear.
Obviously Kylo Ren inviting her to his place is a big deal. But why is it a big deal?
"You wanna know why it's such a huge fucking deal that he invited you to his place?" he mumbles with his head on his fist as he faces away from her staring out his window.
Rey folded hands in her lap, unclasp them, and then thread her fingers together. Her entire body is starting to feel tingly with fear. There's a low ringing in her ears , and she feel like she should shiver because it's cold, but at the same time, she think she was actually sweating.
"Why?" she barely manage to croak the word out. She chew my lip to keep calm.
Shiro chooses now to drop his hand and turn his face towards her. "Because I've been his best friend for eight years, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to his apartment since he got it. Not only that, but it took him forever before he even allowed me inside. It's the same with Kato. But he knows you one-night and is like come on in!"
She felt the world explosion in her life. What the fuck? Why am I so fucking important to a guy who pretty much blacks out in rage and beats people unconscious? A guy who openly doesn't give a fuck. A guy who's probably seen more ass than Lebron James. I'm nothing special. I'm not super smart. I don't light up a room when I walk into it, and I for damn sure don't have anything resembling a sparkling personality.
So why me?
She thought shaking.
"I didn't ask for this," Rey mumble with her fingers on her lips as she shake her head slowly.
She never imagined that the implications of that night would come back like a fucking pit bull to bite her in the ass. But now she was thinking back, and she was remembering more and more, and she was analyzing it and dissecting it, and shit —shit—shit! Why didn't she think to question him about it before?
I've been waiting a very, very long time for this moment, Love...
Don't call me Kylo, not you…
Do you have any idea how long I've…
Yeah, one night that obviously meant more to me than it did to you…
I've known you for a long time even we did not met…
"Rey ." she felt Shiro hand touched her shoulder, and she almost jump two feet in the air. "Shit," he curses at her with wide eyes. "Rey !" He shakes her until she was out of her stupor and clenching her hands around his arms to stop him.
"I can't." she shake her head vigorously and shove him away from her "It's too much, okay? I didn't ask for this!" she scream at him and push the car door open to stumble outside. "He's a fucking ticking time bomb, Shiro!" she whirl around and shout. "You can't ask me to deal with that. How do I know he won't turn around and take it out on me one day? His anger scares the hell out of me, SHiro!"
Shiro blinks at her mouth slight ajar and speechless and shocked.
"I like the guy who was in the pool room with me that night we first met." she wiped her teary face with a lazy hand. "Not the guy he actually is." she turn around and start for the front door of her house. She hear Shiro shout for her, but she didn't stop.
There's nothing left to say.
-x-