Warning: Grammar is intentionally bad at some points. And characters are no longer acting canon because of chapter 1. This is now 100% crack-fic. This chapter will summarize the early Shippuden portion. This next chapter would be War Arc, After that would be Kaguya Arc. Then Boruto.
Gaara was kidnapped by the Akatsuki.
Deidara has taken Gaara away. Naruto has lost control of himself as he began to fell into Kyuubi's bloodlust.
"Don't do it Naruto, it's a trap, a bait. I, your sensei, is afraid of your unrestrained pee pee. You need to stay in control here." Kakashi said in fear.
"Sorry Kakashi-sensei, but this is for Gaara's safety," Naruto spoke.
Naruto was then engulfed by the Kyuubi's chakra cloak with 2 Tails, slightly transforming him. Giving him fangs and claws, piercing blood eyes. And then his third leg went out of control, it was no longer 12 inches as he was 12, nor was it 17 inches that he showed to Team 8.
It was 19 inches.
Kakashi felt as if his heart had stopped a beat at the size of that THING! 17 inches was truly a god among monsters. But 19 inches for a 15-years old teen, that's already plenty of material to use in bed. Much more than necessary.
Naruto leaps towards Deidara flying into striking at Deidara. Of course, Deidara has supplied himself with enough explosives in case if this were to happen. Deidara thought it was like a baiting a prey into a trap.
Deidara launched 6 explosives bombs at Naruto. But Deidara did not know that Naruto had 2 tails, 2 arms, and 3 legs! 7 in total! This is why 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 beats the crap out of 6.
Naruto deflected all 6 bombs, with natural arms and legs and by extension his tails. Which in turn had left his third leg to strike at Deidara. This attack was so incredibly fast, it strikes Deidara at his face not only that did it hit him once, but smack both cheeks twice with a swing forward and backward.
This had caused Deidara to remember his PTSD from Third Legs. You see, it all started back in his childhood. Deidara has long blonde hair and the other kids bully him by calling him a faggot. Some of the extreme bullies even smack their sausages on to Deidara's face. Giving him heavy mental trauma, pushing him toward to like explosive, because he would like to explore those memories with a bang.
Deidara panicked and lost his steady control over his clay bird that he used to fly. It collapsed and Gaara starts to fall out of it. It was a good thing Kakashi was nearby to catch Gaara and keep him safe.
After Deidara was experiencing his PTSD. He had suddenly become mentally unstable. So he looked toward Naruto and saw his huge "19-Inch". Out of anger, fear, and sadness, Deidara went to charge at Naruto by hugging him.
Kakashi's thought while looking at this scene, "What a faggot!"
Even though Naruto's Kyuubi chakra cloak was literally burning Deidara's skin off. Deidara shows no care about the burning pain he was suffering.
"ART IS AN EXPLOSION!" Deidara screamed as his body began to expand to a giant balloon size.
Two-tailed chakra cloaked Naruto reacted toward that by grabbing both of Deidara's arms with both of his own arms and two tails each. Then with a strong push from the body's lower half pushing three legs worth of force at Deidara. Naruto simultaneously ripped off both of Deidara's arms and push him away too.
As Deidara's arms were ripped off, Deidara was flying away due to his missing limbs not being able to prevent blood gushing out from his upper arms. Deidara was literally flying away into the air like a balloon that had suddenly gained a punctured hole in its body.
"YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE, YOU ARE STILL IN MY RANGE!" Deidara screamed. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Kakashi was getting sick of Deidara's shit and then activated his Mangekyou Sharingan.
"KAMUI!"
Deidara's main body was then sucked into a spiral-like temporal-spatial rift and was slowly devoured in it. Of course, the two arms that were formerly attached to Deidara was still on Naruto's body.
Boom!
Naruto's body literally exploded in a big boom. Naruto was then knocked out of his 2-Tailed Chakra Cloak. Kakashi guessed the explosion was pretty strong.
Of course when Kakashi came by with an unconscious Gaara on his shoulder to checked up on Naruto. He still noticed the "19-Inch" was still there.
Kakashi spoke to it, that's right he spoke toward Naruto's crotch:
"Don't you think I won't hurt you, if you piss me off too much, this kunai is going straight right at you." Kakashi threatened Naruto's third leg with a kunai dangling from his free hand.
Naruto's third leg retracted because it couldn't handle such killing intent. Not yet anyway.
"That's right you listen to your Alpha and commander here. Because I'm the real Alpha here." Kakashi tried to reassure himself.
At a cliff with a sunset, many of the Sand Ninjas were gathered.
Sakura and Chiyo were trying to heal Gaara but it was to no avail. After all, Gaara doesn't sleep at all, therefore he must be dead if he's not awake. 100% sound logic right there.
"I can't accept that fact, he must be sleeping right." Naruto was in denial.
Sakura was shaking her head toward that answer.
Naruto came by with tears and he lost control of his "17-Inch" and he accidentally struck the face of the 5th Kazekage's "dead" corpse in front of these Sand Ninjas.
The people stared.
Everyone among the Sand Village literally stared.
Even the animals stared.
Only Kakashi took a glance and then went back to reading his Icha Icha Paradise book that was in his hand.
The mood went sour. As bloodlust and hatred reek the air. The Sand Ninjas were marching in synchronous movements toward Naruto.
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Naruto protested as he went on his knees.
But as the Sand Ninjas came closer and closer to punish Naruto for desecrating the 5th Kazekage.
Suddenly Gaara woke up!
Everyone stared at the revived Gaara. Gaara only looked around and saw Naruto first.
"Naruto it's been a while." Gaara spoke.
"Yeah it has, I knew it you were sleeping all along." Naruto said and hugged Gaara for being an amazing guy that he was.
Meanwhile, Kakashi was reading his book and Chiyo was trying to talk to Kakashi.
"How is this possible? This defies the history of medical ninjutsu." Chiyo said.
"Hidden Leaf's secret." Kakashi responded.
"But this is unimaginable it is no way possible for a man's crotch to bring back lives." Chiyo said.
"Hidden Leaf's secret." Kakashi responded.
"I'm 100% sure Gaara was dead." Chiyo said.
"Hidden Leaf's secret." Kakashi responded.
"Are you still going to respond "Hidden Leaf's secret" to me." Chiyo said.
"Hidden Leaf's secret." Kakashi responded.
"...how's the weather around here?" Chiyo asked.
"Pretty good especially near a desert." Kakashi stops looking at his book and responded.
"So about Naruto?" Chiyo asked.
"Hidden Leaf's secret." Kakashi responded as he went back to reading his book.
"Kukuku Naruto-kun, you know Sasuke-kun is mine." Orochimaru taunted.
"Why you!" Naruto begins to charge at him like a moron. Of course, Naruto's pee pee wasn't out in public like normal. It was hidden now so it wasn't visible even to his allies or enemies. It was simply another precaution.
Of course, both Yamato and Sakura were watching from the sidelines the same as Kabuto.
Meanwhile, in the air, Sai was flying around on his ink bird.
Sai pulled out 2 scrolls. Both of them are quite valuable to Sai. They worked by collecting blood samples and use a scanning procedure.
Sai rolled out his first scroll called, "Dick Size Scanning" scroll.
By activating it, these words appear on the scroll:
Sakura's Dick Size: 0-Inches
Yamato's Dick Size: 3.9-Inches
Orochimaru's Dick Size: 4.3-Inches
Naruto's Dick Size: 17-Inches
Works just like that basically. It scans dick size very impressive don't you think. An ultimate tool when it comes to scanning the manliness of the manhood of men.
Then Sai activates his second scroll, "Appearance Rating" Scroll. It determines how handsome, beautiful and charming you are.
By activating it in the same manner on the first scroll, these words appear on the scroll:
Sakura's appearance: 50/250
Yamato's appearance: 49/100
Orochimaru's appearance: 72/100
Naruto's appearance: 999/999
In the line of Sai's thinking according to this scroll, it seems Naruto is the most handsome, beautiful and charming person in this entire world. After all, there is two mains number here, first is actual current stats and the second number represent the potential or limit. Normally female would have a 2.5 higher second number than males. That's why Sakura's second number is 2.5 times higher Yamato or Orochimaru's second numbers.
Naruto seems to be an exception here. With a maximum limit of 999 and achieve all of it. Naruto must be able to woo any men or women, elderly or young, strong or weak, rich or poor, and etc. with just appearance alone. Naruto is the apex of human appearance.
Back to the fight between Naruto and Orochimaru.
"Is that all you got Naruto-kun? You won't be able to save your dear Sasuke-kun as you as of now." Orochimaru taunted.
"WHY YOU!" Naruto fully enters into his rage and his Kyuubi's chakra cloak was then equipped.
As Naruto's Kyuubi's chakra tails were rising and appearing, Sai was watching and recording his dick size level with his first scroll.
With only 1 Tail. Naruto's data within the scroll:
Naruto's Dick Size: 18-Inches
With only 2 Tails. Naruto's data within the scroll:
Naruto's Dick Size: 19-Inches
With only 3 Tails. Naruto's data within the scroll:
Naruto's Dick Size: 19.9-Inches
Sai couldn't believe it at all. This was simply inconceivable. The very high limit of the "Dick Size Scanning" scroll is 4 times the highest size of the Third Hokage at his prime. If the Third Hokage's size at his prime was 5-inches, then the scroll's normal limit is 20-inches. But the maximum limit of the scroll itself is 20.9-inches! That was the absolute limit.
Naruto while pissed at Orochimaru, actually beyond 3 Tails and enter 4 Tails. His transformation was a massive difference from before. His skinned was peeled off and his body was covered in pure black with a blazing red shroud surrounding the body now.
Sai's scroll when trying to scan Naruto's current size in that transformation. It burned up into a ball of fire. It was impossible to be measured by the scroll and was overloaded.
"IT'S OVER 20-INCHES!" Sai screamed at the top of his lungs out of pure shock.
"What's over 20-inches?" Orochimaru asked that question toward that loud scream.
4-Tailed formed Naruto launched himself toward Orochimaru.
"Wait is that 5-Tails? NO! It's couldn't be. I thought the absurd size of your third leg was just a shitty rumor." Orochimaru gasped.
Orochimaru died of shock due to the sudden heart attack of seeing such a monstrosity without any given notice. Of course, his dead body was rag-dolled around by 4-Tailed formed Naruto.
Kakuzu was a man with many years worth of experience. This was a new one even for him.
He saw a blonde teen with an "18-inch". 18-inch!
Kakuzu was a man who was proud of his 5.29-inch which you can round up to 5.3-inch. Over these 100 years, he has lived. Just by looking at such a comparison.
His own was surpassed not just by double but at least over triple the amount he has. Kakuzu knows that no matter how much surgery he could afford, he could never reach that height. Even if he did surgery to cut his own for a horse's, it was still incomparable to this kid's natural monstrosity.
Life went into a white blank for him.
"FUTON: RASENSHURIKEN" Naruto yelled as he tried his new Ninjutsu against this Akatsuki member.
Kakuzu only thought, "Fuck you life, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you god! WHY CAN'T I BE THE ONE BALLING WITH THE MOST CASH AND GET THE HUGEST DONG!?"
The life of the wealthy man relies on two things, his money and his pride or ego on his DONG.
Being out-tripled in size by a youngster had not just demoralized Kakuzu, but completely destroyed his will to live.
As the Rasenshuriken was damaging every cell in his body, but it was too late Kakuzu was already dead on the inside.
In his mind-space filled with pipes and leaking water, Naruto woke up from laying on the ground.
He saw a spiky blonde-haired man wearing a white cloak along with a Jounin Uniform.
"Is that you 4th Hokage, am I dead?" Naruto continued speaking, "And now I get to meet my hero."
"No, it is not the fourth Hokage. It is me your-
"My grandpa? Or my uncle? Or my brother? Or cousin from grandma Tsunade's family side?" Naruto interrupted with a series of questions.
"NO! I'm your dad, you moron." Minato had to shout before he gets interrupted again.
"Eh? I don't believe you. I'm pretty sure my parents died during the Kyuubi attack and that the Fourth sealed the Kyuubi in me after." Naruto explained himself as he was waving around his index finger on his dominant hand.
"I'm your dad without a doubt. Naruto please heed my words." Minato pleaded.
"I still don't believe it. I'm pretty sure my dad was packing heat as I do now. If you want to prove you're my dad then whip out your 17-inch." Naruto suggested.
"I don't have one! You've probably got it from your mother's side." Minato tried to explain himself.
"Wait, does this mean my mom had one and was packing heat and she made you gave birth?" Naruto asked in confusion.
"You fucking retard of a son. I'm your dad and your mom gave birth to you." Minato desperately kept on trying to explain.
"Eh? I still don't believe you? So wait, what are the chances that my mom cheated on you and fucked another guy?" Naruto had to ask.
A large vein appeared on Minato's forehead out of pure frustration.
"You have convinced me Naruto Uzumaki." Nagato said. "Now wait, let me help you now by reviving everyone I had killed."
"...Um, I already did that." Naruto said awkwardly.
"But you don't have the Rinnegan." Nagato said.
"Yeah, it turns out it's not the only tool that can be used to revive people." Naruto said with a bashful smile.
"Please enlighten me about this tool you have." Nagato spoke out of curiosity because he only knew that revival seems to be only capable with the Rinnegan and that's about it.
"...Um. You see my crotch?" Naruto awkwardly said.
"Yes." Nagato nodded.
"Um, the thing is... apparently I can revive people with it." Naruto said while rubbing the back of his head with one of his hands.
"Hmm how interesting, do you have the ability to help me regain my legs?" Nagato asked.
Konan meanwhile was staring in shock at such a suggestion.
"I could try I guess?" Naruto said.
But right as Naruto was about to try as. Nagato suddenly raises his right hand that was gesturing to Naruto to stop.
"Wait. No, I would revive Jiraiya-sensei out of his death. With a payment of my life." Nagato said. "Yes, that will suffice and count as part of repentance."
In the end, Jiraiya and Konoha's Citizens were brought back to life by these 2 methods.
After the invasion of Pain and Nagato and stuff. Naruto had eaten ramen with Iruka and Jiraiya and Kakashi and Sai. That's about it for this ramen meal eating group.
Naruto was feeling something was off for a while. As he met up with the other members of the Konoha's Rookie 12.
"Hey guys, am I feeling paranoid or something?" Naruto said.
"Maybe you need a massage. I gave you one if you want." Sakura suggested.
"No thanks." Naruto shook his head and begin thinking.
For some reason, Sakura always wanted to give a personal one to one massage to Naruto. Naruto did accept it that one time, but Sakura's hand got too close to Naruto's crotch at that point. Naruto panicked at that moment and ran away because Sakura has Tsunade's level strength. Maybe she wants to rip off Naruto's junk and the thought of that really scared Naruto so he swore to himself to never get a massage from Sakura ever again.
On that note, Sakura wasn't the only one that was acting strange. Hinata became a weirdo and start dressing up in more mature (sexy) clothing and start doing those postures that those shady women do in dark alleys when Naruto walks by. Ino just has a bouquet of flowers covering her face every time she encounters Naruto. Naruto could tell that Ino has red apple-colored blushing cheeks. Naruto just thought that Ino was sick all the time or something like it.
"Who gave a fuck? All ninjas are paranoid and you just finished your fight with Pain awhile back. Of course, you'll be paranoid, who wouldn't be?" Kiba said bluntly and then left.
Naruto calmed down a bit.
Out of Naruto's sight, Kiba then went into a dark alley and meet with girls at his age. Kiba wasn't trying flirting with them. Kiba was receiving his payment, or more like his bribe in cash.
Who had bribed Kiba? It was Naruto's fan club.
It wasn't a thing that just had suddenly pop up recently after Naruto saving the village after Pain's invasion. Naruto's fan club was an organization that existed since Naruto became a Genin and then grown in size exponentially once Sasuke had left the village. An organization filled with ninjas and civilians.
It was a very powerful, dark, influential, and wealthy existence. Very comparable to Danzo's Root organization. How did the club achieve such power? No one really knew. Some assume it was due to a random S-Rank Missing Nin joining the organization, maybe it was the Aburame Clan, or was there an even darker hidden power that no one truly knows about.
A known fact about Naruto's fan club is that its recent leader was a long black-haired girl who was about Naruto's age. No one truly knows her identity. People assume she was just one of those civilians that most people don't care about.
Kiba was bribed, and it wasn't just Kiba. Shikamaru and Choji were also bribed as well. All bribed with the task of lowering Naruto's paranoia and making him calm. Because many many many fangirls were always stalking Naruto to point beyond 24/7. Some of them even jumped into his dirty clothing and start rubbing their naked bodies on to them.
While Kiba left early. Shikamaru and Choji invited Naruto for a meal. Their treat. Shikamaru and Choji not only get a 120% discount when they go eat with Naruto. They also get paid by Naruto's fan club just for eating with Naruto.
It was so much profit earned for them yet Naruto to this day never knew about it.
Meanwhile...
Danzo Shimura was talking with the Land of Fire Daimyo.
"Our fifth Hokage seems to incapacitated at the moment. The 4th Raikage has called for the summit between all the Kage. I would like to be the 6th Hokage with your permission here." Danzo said.
"Hmm, don't you guys still have a Hokage Candidate that could substitute in for a while." The fire Daimyo said.
"Uh. Kakashi is hospitalized at the moment, and I don't think he's that great in my humble opinion." Danzo said.
"Not him! I meant Naruto Uzumaki. The guy who defeated Pain." Fire Daimyo said.
"...He's an idiot. He would end up making things worse." Danzo retorted.
"Hmm. I don't know about that. My granddaughter seems to approve of him." Fire Daimyo said.
"Many females are infatuated with Naruto. They might be too biased." Danzo argued.
"Are you calling my granddaughter average? I go wreck your shit faster than Hiruzen smoking pot." Fire Daimyo threaten as he tightens one of his fists.
Danzo raised his dominant hand in shock and in protest.
"No, sir. That's not what I meant." Danzo said, but while he thought, "Civilians are pretty shitty."
After a long period of time...
Danzo was getting sick of this one-sided conversation.
"Kotoamtsu-
Before Danzo could finish using Shisui's Mangekyou Sharingan. His head was sent flying off his neck. Danzo could only gasp in shock because he didn't even have time to even activate Izanagi.
"Danzo, why do you have to be such a little bitch here?" The Fire Daimyo sighed as he revealed his recently bloodied kunai within his hand.
The Fire Daimyo was a ninja who had a combat prowess comparable to even an S-Rank Missing Nin. Nobody actually knew he was a ninja. Not even his friends or family knew. After all, a real ninja should be very sneaky, secretive, well hidden, and always hide their power just to gain an edge over their opponent.
The Fire Daimyo walked out of the room and told his secretary:
"Make Naruto Uzumaki the substitute Hokage or whatever and send him to the Kage's Summit within the Land of Iron right now immediately!"
Gaara of the Bitches was quite early at the Kage Summit in the Land of Iron.
After an early and clean greeting with a mere dick slap towards Mifune. Gaara felt proud of himself.
Mifune, on the other hand, heard rumors of this absurd Kazekage, but now he had personally experienced it. It was quite an eye-opener. Literally too since Gaara smack him in between the eyes.
Then the Tsuchikage Onoki came. Gaara immediately launched his dick toward Onoki's face at a lightning-fast speed. Onoki merely used a substitution Jutsu and immediately appeared in his seat in the room.
Onoki was prepared for this moment after all the Land of Earth was next to the Land of Wind. Gaara of the Bitches' lightning speed dick swing was too infamous for its silliness and speed.
Then the Mizukage Mei Terumi came. Gaara's dick was too fierce and fast. Just one smack to the face alone already put her onto her knees gasping for air. The Kazekage simply made a bitch out of the Mizukage with plain ease.
Gaara's dick had too much experience, one could say his dick alone had reached Kage-level.
Then the over 6-foot tall Raikage Ay came. Gaara's dick came towards him as he did towards the others. But the Raikage has a trump card of his own.
A whopping 6-inch long dick of his own smash against Gaara's dick. Yes, it was the Raikage own fierce and large one of his own.
Two dicks collided. Shock-waves went through the entire room, it was so strong that the foundation of this entire room was about to be destroyed.
"You're a hundred years too early to face against me!" Raikage's dick pushes itself even more forward.
Gaara couldn't do anything, in the face of overwhelming power, there is nothing to do besides being defeated.
Gaara and his dick were sent flying across the room. And was launched towards the wall and became quite indented into it. From a spectator's view, Gaara had literally just become modern art.
The Raikage had made his position clear here. And he put out a ridiculous reward for a silly accomplishment.
"If anyone has a larger one than me right here and right now. I will personally give that person 1 billion Ryo. Twice my size, twice the money. Triple then triple it. And so on." Raikage said to make his position even stronger.
All of a sudden, a bunch of trumpets, flutes, tubas, bells, and a bunch of other band instruments begin playing out loud drowning the entire building with music.
Outside the building where Kage Summit was taking place, one could see many people in red uniforms, with the land of fire's symbol ingrained in their clothing, after all this is the Fire Daimyo's orchestra band that he has for no reason at all. But today there is a reason, this reason is for the substitute Hokage!
"Hut 2,3,4!" "Hut 2,3,4!" "Hut 2,3,4!"
Then 6 of the Royal Daiymo guards moved at supersonic speeds casually breaking the sound barrier while all of them were carrying one end of an extremely long red carpet. They moved toward the window that was directly connected to the 5 Kage Conference room, and then securely placed one end of the carpet and connect it with the windowsill.
The carpet itself seems to become a bridge with the ground and the window.
Then finally, the Substitute Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki appeared. And his two bodyguards were Sakura Haruno and Hinata Hyuga. Logically speaking, Kakashi and Yamato would have been better choices. But for 17-inch dick Naruto Uzumaki, two attractive females are good enough already. There was no need for actual power, but simply good enough appearance for respect and authority.
Naruto and his two guards begin walking upon the straight carpet. After all, this was not at all just solely faster than using just stairs. But this was unique and dominating in its own way. A mere ninja could simply climb or jump up. Or a regular person could take the stairs. But a real confident person would use a unique way to show off.
Naruto with his whopping 17-inch already expresses his dominance.
Mostly everyone was shocked with awe. The only people who weren't shock were those from the Cloud Village. The Raikage himself scoffed at such a sight.
"Ohayo..? Oh shit, Gaara's in the wall." Naruto only then had one response: "WHO DID THIS?!"
"You're looking at him!" The Raikage stood up and stand right in front of him.
"A big guy. Don't you know the bigger they are, the harder they fall." Naruto spoke with utmost confidence.
"Yeah. You're right... the bigger they are, the harder they make others fall!" Raikage yelled toward Naruto as he released his full power as chakra were surging around. His large brown-skinned muscular body was surrounded by an aura cloak that seemed to be made of lightning!
Raikage's 6-inch increase not by half or by two times. Or even three times. But at least over 3 times in size!
Raikage's 20 inch-titled "the pillar that holds the sky and risen among the clouds"-dick was launched without a single ounce of impunity and smashed toward Naruto.
Naruto was blasted along with part of the building that was behind him as well. As if Raikage's dick smashing was like a drill piercing the heavens.
Naruto was sent flying out of the building at speeds that no doubt was at least more than hypersonic speeds or at 10 times the speed of sound the very least.
At this speed, any ordinary Jounin would have to be ignited into a flaming fire-ball like state from this shove into the air and set on extremely high temperatures that would melt through the flesh entirely leaving only the remains of a charred skeleton.
Thankfully, Naruto's dick seems to have a mind of its own and had the capability to draw out some chakra from the Kyuubi. Therefore Naruto was thankfully shrouded in a Kyuubi-chakra cloak as he was launched at great speeds.
Naruto was able to counteract the force of being launched that hard through the use of spinning the three tails that were behind his rear. Allowing Naruto to switch his position into a helicopter-like fashion.
Naruto arrived back where he was originally where he was at before but now charged up with Kyuubi's chakra.
"The power of Jinchuuriki, too bad what I achieved is further beyond what any Jinchuuriki could match up to. Now let me show what it means to go further beyond any super viagra could match up to!" The Raikage Ay exclaimed as his body began trembling.
"ARRGGHH!" The Raikage started screaming.
The wild lightning that was infused into his cloak was shooting into the very sky, causing stormy thunder clouds to blanket over the region itself. Ay's muscular body seems to have increased in size, his muscles tensed up, his veins were like worms crawling over his skin. More importantly, Raikage's dick had increased by a single inch.
The air was vibrating and gales of wind were bursting. Fodder ninjas who were spectating in the background were sent flying away through the air. Any glass windows that were in the Kage Summit building was now shattered to pieces.
"I'm too old for this shit," Onoki was hiding under the table as he didn't want to be a part of this. He had only expected a civil meeting. Not a showoff between manhood.
"Same here." Mifune the most powerful swordsman in the Land of Iron was hiding under the table right beside the small old man.
Naruto who was staring had all of his Kyuubi chakra was suddenly blasted away by this shockwave of power. After all, Bijuus don't have dicks, therefore their chakra is incredibly weak to dick energy.
"Oh, man. I have never met someone this powerful before in my entire life." Naruto spoke out of concern.
"That's because you never met a black man before in your entire life."Naruto's dick simply explained to Naruto telepathically.
"Eh... I guess that makes sense." Naruto deadpanned as he was in a life and death situation.
Meanwhile while in the Kage Summit building...
In a room where all the bodyguards of the Five Kages were located at.
"What's going on, why is there an earthquake?!" Temari asked out of ignorance as she stood up ready and arm with her signature large fan for any potential threats.
"Ah, that's due to the power of the Raikage's dick." Darui waved his hand signaling to calm down.
"How does that fucking work?! That doesn't make any damn sense." Kankuro yelled because he was heavily annoyed previously from years of Gaara's antics with his dick.
"A dick is a personal man's sword. To be able to utilize a dick to it's fullest, meant they have become one with their dick, much like how swordsmen can become one with their sword." Chojuro explained the simple concept. "Truly as expected of a Kage, they stand tall and heads above us normal men."
One could trust Choujuro's words after all since he was a professional swordsman and an expert at the sword.
"That doesn't make any damn sense," Kankuro responded.
"That's probably because you have micro-penis." Darui coughed out a laugh as he continues to explain. "Only true men can begin understanding the basis and basics of one's very own dick, but of course the beginning premise would require to at least have one of sufficient size and length."
"Fuck off faggot. Talking about dicks like that is very gay and homosexual you know." Kankuro tries to change the topic.
"There's nothing gay about talking a man's pride. Much like how women take pride in talking about the size of their breasts or their waists and curves." The big fat man named Akatsuchi interjected his very own opinion on the topic.
Sooner or later the topic of discussion lost its value in further chatting, therefore most of them begin to turn silent or begin starting a new conversation.
Meanwhile back to the actually important fight at hand.
The Raikage Ay snorted as both of his eyes shot out a bolt of lightning towards Naruto. These lightning bolts were more natural than lightning-nature ninjutsu. They moved at the speed of electricity, therefore at one-third the speed of light itself.
Naruto who was originally planning to go Sage Mode realized he had no ample time nor preparation to do so. His opponent without a doubt wouldn't give him time to do so either.
Naruto conversed with his own dick.
"Yo. Go Sage mode already. I remember you learned it faster than me and can do it faster than me."
"Sigh. Sage Mode reduces my boner by tenfold after the usage, such feelings are undesirable, please Naruto make this one count." Naruto's dick responded reluctantly.
Even though Naruto was only about 3 meters away from the Raikage Ay originally. The amount of time for the mental conversation and entering Sage mode only took less than a nanosecond.
Naruto's dick sage mode was not like Naruto's sage mode. It caused Naruto's hair to rise and his eyes color change into silver. As a terrifying silver aura cloaked over him. There was even a soundtrack seemingly come of nowhere accompanying this transformation.
(Naruto's dick Sage Mode Theme Song... Just go google up Ultra Instinct Theme Official)
The bolts of lightning approached Naruto, but within a hair-breadth of distance, Naruto casually dodges leaving afterimages in his past locations.
"Hmmph, so what, you think this transformation of yours is special." Raikage Ay shouted as he then leaped and charged at Naruto at speeds far faster than one could conceive, the speed of lightning itself.
Naruto resumed his original position and was nonchalantly standing.
As soon as the Raikage approaches within striking distance. He threw out a punch that was accompanied by a loud terrifying thunderclap, which possesses incredible vibrating shockwaves that would shatter stones to pieces if not dust within a 10-meter radius.
One must know the speed of limbs move far faster than the entire human body. For a normal person, it was about 2 to 3 times. But for great professional experts, they can achieve 10 to even 50 times increase in speed due to possessing terrifying powerful and efficient technique and experience.
If a regular Jounin took this punch, not only will they not be able to dodge it, but they wouldn't be to react to it. Then taking on this punch wouldn't just merely splatter them to pieces. It would disintegrate them into ashes, but not exactly. The number of ashes they would leave behind would be the equivalent to a few grains of rice from this terrifying direct blow.
Naruto's expression was still and lack any sort of surprise. Naruto had seemingly walked as this punch in the middle of its flight. Leaving too many afterimages that were forming a line behind Naruto. Naruto approached closer to Ay to deal with a major blow. Naruto technically weaved, but anyone could tell that his speed and reaction was simply too fierce
"You fool, that was a feint." Raikage Ay raised his left arm striking forwards with an eagle claw that holding a terrifying grip strength. It was a dreadful Iron Claw. In terms of pressure, it was over 10,000 kg/cm2.
In comparison to his original thrown punch, the speed of his claw was shot with a speed that would make even lightning looked like it was moving at a snail's pace.
The Raikage grinned with glee as he thought his inevitable undodgeable claw would deliver an utter fatal blow towards this blonde-haired punk. But to his surprise.
Once the claw contacted Naruto's appearance. His image blurred and vanished. Naruto had seemingly disappeared in front of Raikage's all-encompassing view.
"Nani?!" Raikage screamed at the top of his lungs.
From the third point of view, Naruto had seemingly teleported behind the Raikage. But Naruto wasn't even facing the Raikage, he had his back turned towards the large muscular man.
Whoosh! Shua! Naruto then smoothly delivered a casual backhand chop with his left hand towards the Raikage's neck.
Raikage was instantly knocked out and lost consciousness and collapsed towards the ground.
To any spectators, even though it took very long to describe, but in reality, it occurs in a matter of instants. The whole fight took less than a ten-thousandth of a second.
To those who were hiding under a table, they only saw a Naruto teleporting and the Raikage passing out instantly.
A swirly portal of distorting space-time appeared and a man stepped out of it. It was a man with an orange mask. He came and stared and saw Naruto and pissed his pants, because of the sheer testosterone radiating in the atmosphere.
"Fuck this shit, I'm out. Fuck this shit, I'm out." The masked man was frantically speaking as he was moon-walking back towards his swirly portal. Then he poked his head out of the portal. "By the way, the Akatsuki declared war on the Five Nations, want your Bijuus and Jinchuriki, see you guys next week."
The masked man disappeared.
"But I'm right here, why even declare a war?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.
Hmm. Don't know about updating another chapter, I don't think this chapter is as funny as the one before it.