Cold

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.

.

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Floating.

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.

It almost felt like he was floating. Floating between the lines of the oxygen in the air itself. It felt so surreal, so insecure for its own sitting. How light he had felt. It made him nervous, unclear and panicked. He twitched his fingers, almost like he could feel his bloodstream past through his finger tips. How unreal this all was.

A slight murmuring noise came through, it was recognizable. The buzzing after noise gave away the location of the noise being the TV. Peeling his eyes open took more effort than he thought. He felt his heart rate spike for a moment, as if he was being brought back to life. Raphael moved his tongue and could have sworn he came down with some cotton mouth.

When he finally was able to open his eyes fully, it was blurred more than expected, but after a few blinks, he realized he was looking up at a dirty ceiling fan. He groaned, feeling a slow sting in his leg as his body began to awaken.

He got up a little too quickly, feeling the world around him tilt. His stomach twisted almost as if he was about to throw up. He bent forward, gripping at his center, realizing he had a blanket covering him.

"Fuck.." He slurred, looking around to see the television blaring and realized he was in Casey's apartment. How did he get here?

"About time you got up." He heard his friend speak from the hallway, coming into the living room heading to the kitchen. Raphael shook his head slightly and watched his friend.

"How long have I been out?" He asked, kicking his feet over to the side so he could sit up, immediately grimacing and looked down at his leg, seeing a large slash going down it. What the hell did he do?

Casey opened up the fridge and pulled out a couple of beers and heading back to the living room and handed one to Raph.

"About a day." He said taking a seat in the arm chair. " Ya know next time ya come crashing into my house, go through the door." He pointed with his thumb the busted window on the side. "Ya got in some gnarly fight there man. What happened?" He asked. "I tried to ask Donnie but he was pretty quick to get off the phone. But I did let him know ya were here." He said, taking a swig from his beer. Raph opened the one handed to him, seconds away from taking a sip before he looked up at the tv and saw that the news was on. His body went stiff, seeing the headlining news was the burnt down Saki Tech building. It was mumbling about how it was an accidental demolition, malfunction in the wiring. All of it was coming back. The explosions, the fire, the blood, Shredder.

Mikey.

His hand forgot how to work, dropping his open beer onto the floor with a muffled slap.

"Bro!" Casey yelled, attempting to reach for the beer before it fell but was no use. He was ready to yell at Raphael but when he looked up, it looked as though his friend had just seen a ghost.

"Shit Raph, you okay?" Casey asked. Reaching forward but before he could try to embrace his friend, Raphael jumped up suddenly, feeling a different sort of turn in his stomach.

Knowing he wasn't going to make it to the bathroom, Raph ran to the kitchen and made it to the sink, releasing whatever bile he had in his stomach. His whole body twitched and ache remembering the nights events and immediately felt panic. Fear. How can he face his family? How can he continue forward knowing Michelangelo wasn't going to be home?

How was he going to face Leonardo?

"Woah woah woah Raph what the hell bro?" Casey asked, trying to pull Raph from the sink. "Were ya in that?" he asked pinning together Raph's reaction. He was able to pry Raph off the sink and brought him back to sit on the edge of the couch. Casey took a seat on the folded chair next to him and looked at his friend with concern.

"Raph, the hell's going on?" Casey asked, seeing the thin glass of tears in Raph's eyes. Raph couldn't think rational, he could only speak what he thought.

"I killed him." He said with a choked voice. Casey was a little taken back by the statement, chuckling nervously for a moment.

"What? Who?" He asked, slightly uncomfortable by the way Raph was looking at him. He was able to see the pain and the guilt that Raphael was holding and was curious as to why he looked at the way that he did but he feel deep down that maybe he didn't want to know the answer I knew he had to ask.

Rap couldn't speak as he felt the icy tingle go throughout his body, his heart rate racing like a horse on a track unable to stop. He knew he had to go home and face what you done but felt like a small child needing to be held. He couldn't bare the idea of looking at his father and admitting his wrongs or seeing the disappointment on Donatello's face if he walked through the door. What scared him most was the wrath that he knew he would feel from his eldest brother. The absolute damage that he had caused his family was something that he knew he would not be able to handle.

His hollow eyes looked up and through the fog of his tears he could see the family photo that Casey had up above the television and couldn't help but to feel his heart twinge and break as he saw the smile of his little brother in that photo remembering the day they all went fishing. He was so happy he was that he was the only one to have caught fish. He remembered how proud Leo was of him, how Donnie congratulated him and how Raph and Casey would tease him. That photo was only taken about a month ago and yet it felt like a lifetime.

Casey looked in the same direction that Raphael did and saw the family photo and was curious as to why he was so fixated on Michelangelo but then he finally connected the dots and immediately felt that same twinge in his body and his heart sank into his stomach as he looked back at his friend and realize what it happened.

"Raph." He said cautiously. "What did you do?" He asked. Raph could feel his emotions getting the best of him.

"I fucked up." he said. "I fucked up real bad."

Casey didn't know what to say as he leaned back in the chair and took a breath.

"Shit…"

was all he could think of. "Where's Leo?" Casey asked, feeling concern for the eldest well being, feeling empathetic towards the eldest, knowing full well the relationship he shared with Michelangelo.

Raphael did register what Casey had just asked, all he knew said he felt guilt weighing on him like thousand pounds on his chest. He didn't wanna move, he didn't know what to think or what to say. He looked back at his best friend and with the most pitiful look that he had ever given the asked,

"What should I do?"

"What?" Casey responded.

"What will I do Case?" Raph asked again. Casey sat there in silence for a moment pondering over what his friend should do.

"I think you need to go home." He stated bluntly. A sense of panic him.

"I can't do that! I can't!" Raphael said, sounding like a child. "They won't forgive me."

Casey started speaking in a lower, more serious tone. "That's something you're gonna have to face. hiding away isn't going to solve anything. it's not gonna bring him back. You need to be with your family." Raph took a couple of breaths and swallowed hard.

"Do you hate me?" raph asked. Casey Didn't answer the question as he stood up and reached his hand out to Raphael.

"Come on, ill drive you home."

"You didn't answer me." Raph pointed out. Casey sighed, feeling the sadness overtake him.

"I don't hate you, but you need to go home and figure this out." Raph bit his lip as he got up and followed his friend out the door. Since it was daylight, they tried to stay close to the shadows till they made it to Casey's truck.

Raph was careful, keeping his head down away from any wandering eyes. He was uncomfortable from the lack of communication from Casey. He was feeling the judgement and the hate from his friend and was falling deeper in himself for it. He was so guilty.

And as if Faith didn't already screw with him enough, they just so happenly needed to drive down the same street the building had fallen from. Raphael felt that same sinking feeling seeing the broken pillars and lingering smoke, seeing the construction workers working tirelessly to remove the extra debris. What a pitiful sight.

He could have sorn he saw it, but a flash of green past overhead and had a feeling he knew where Leo was.

When Casey finally got to the garage, barely two words were passed between them as Casey immediately jump to the phone to call April, assuming that he was letting her know the situation.

Raphael was quick and nimble as he opened the garage door and went down the elevator to the main entrance of his home he could feel his blood run cold as he stood in front of the door. He was terrified of what might be on the other side. He knew Leo wasn't home, considering he he was pretty sure that he saw him at the construction site, but what about Donnie? His father? he was going to be judged and he was going to be hated and he didn't know if he was mentally prepared for that kind of abuse at this moment. He also knew it was now or never. He push the door open and was welcome to silence. The TV wasn't on, there was no practice being done, no food being cooked and no machines being clanged. It was as if his home was now lifeless considering his light of the family was gone.

The immediate sound of running caught his attention is the saw from the lab Donnie appear. he looked almost excited.

"Leo?" He asked, his excitement dropped, and posture calmed seeing it was not the eldest at the door.

"Hey." Donnie said.

"Hi." Raph said, feeling awkward. He could see Donnie was feeling visibly the same.

"I-I lost you." Donnie stuttered out. "I didn't know where you ran off too. I got ahold of Casey and he let know you ended up over there. Told me you were safe." Raph knew Donnie was choosing his words wisely, making sure Raphael knew the reason for the lack of excitement from Donatello was because he was already aware he was fine.

"Yeah, he told me." Raphael said. Donnie scanned over his younger brother to see the slash on his leg.

"I should probably take a look at that." He said, not looking Raph in the eye. Raph this entire time was ignoring the pain of the slit but realized its sting once it was mentioned. He nodded in agreement and started to move in the direction of the lab.

"Um." Donnie spoke up, stepping in the way of Raph's path. "Before that, Master Splinter wants to talk to you." Raphael couldn't move for a second, seeing his father seemed more terrifying than facing Leo any day.

With a shaky breath, he turned and headed straight for his father's room. He opened the door with care, seeing the candles lit and the smell of ambient oils filled his nostrils. The smell of mourning.

"Kneel." His father voice sounded like it boomed through his ear drums and he went down slowly on the mat, keeping his head low. He heard Master Splinter walk around the room, probably relighting a few candles but Raphael was too scared to look.

"I was awoken last night." Master Splinter started, continuing to walk around the room, "A dream of fire and blood. I felt fear and rage and sadness all in one. Then, I felt empty as if someone had taken a piece of my soul and ripped it from this earth." Splinters walking stopped and his voice could be heard now in front of Raphael.

"I meditated, connecting with you and your brothers. You were in desperation and guilt. Donatello was confused and scared. Leonardo…" Splinter trailed off for a moment before clearing his throat.

"Look at me Raphael." he demanded softly. Raph gulped, holding back his tears as he needed to face his Master. He looked up and instead of seeing rage on his father's face, he saw defeat, sadness.

"When I tried to connect with Michelangelo, I couldn't." Splinter said. "As if his soul was no longer attach to this world and I need to know why Raphael. Where is your brother?" Raphael couldn't bare it for any longer. In a broken sob, he bowed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry father please forgive me! I failed! I failed as a ninja, as a brother and son. I couldn't- I couldn't even protect myself. Mikey he-" He looked back up at Master Splinter who sat there in silence.

"He saved my life father. He sacrificed himself for me and I didn't deserve that. It was my fault we were in there and I fucked up but he still protected me." it was almost like Splinter didn't even register his words but only took in one fact.

"So it is true, he is gone?" He asked. Raphael nodded his head slowly and with the confirmation Splinter took a breath. "What was your goal Raphael?" He asked. When Raph thought back to his reasoning behind disobeying Leo, it seemed so childish.

Because that's all he was, a child.

"I just, wanted to piss Leo off." He admitted. "I didn't have a good reason."

"Raphael, for years I have always wondered where this underlying hatred you carry came from." Splinter started. "Your rage and anger have made you commit some serious mistakes. I have tried to understand you better, be the father you wanted me to be for you but no matter what teachings, or what love I gave you, you give in to your rage and it creates these problematic situations like the one we are in." He stated. Raph kept his head down, knowing his father was right.

"I understand." he said quietly. " I understand if you hate me father. I don't deserve forgiveness for this." He said. Splinter could feel the heavy guilt weighing hard on his son. His posture softening for him, like it always did.

"Michelangelo, was a trained ninja just as you are. He made decisions on his own, and he chose to save you. He has done the ultimate sacrifice for this family and we all can be proud of him for that. And he must also share the burden of your shared decision. You didn't force Michelangelo to follow you into that building. Do not place it all on your Shoulders Raphael. You take what you can bare, and we can do is learn, and move forward." He said.

"Can you forgive me father?" He asked timidly.

" I can. In time Raphael. At this moment I do believe you must fester in the outcome of your decisions. I am still your father, and I will forever love you unconditionally. But as your teacher, as your sensei, I will need time to trust you fully. Take this gift that Michelangelo has left you with care Raphael. He lost his life for you. You honor that, and grow from it." Raphael listened to his father's words carefully, and heard the care and treatment his father always had for him. He felt a slight ease in his stress.

"Leo won't forgive me." He said, the mention of the eldest name rose a sense of sterness in Splinter's tone.

"You let me worry about Leonardo's behavior and action. Trust me when I say Raphael that it will be corrected." Raphael could sense the threat in that statement but didn't have the energy to dig too much into it.

"What happens now?" Raph asked with hesitation. Splinter got up, and began to blow out a few of the candles that were around.

"I will be contacting the Daimyo in short." He said. "We will have a celebration in Michelangelo's name. It is what any warrior would have wanted." How bittersweet his father's words were. How ironic after Michelangelo's death do have a party in his name. How he would have wanted it.

Raphael couldn't stop listening back to his father's words about Leo. What did he mean his actions would be corrected? Leo didn't do anything wrong. At least, not to Raph he didn't do anything. But all Raph knew was, he was going to get himself patched up, and head out to the construction site to help his brother out with his fruitful idea that Mikey could be saved.

A/N: Hellooooo I do apologize for the incredibly late update, I had a pretty intense family emergency and needed to get my life together but I am back! I am currently trying to update a bunch of stories at once but i LOVE this story and I couldn't resist updating it. So leave me a comment on what you think of this chapter :)

Till next time!

-F