Lost
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Master Splinter sat in silence in the Dojo, holding his meditation pose as the incense behind him flickered and cracked. He had barricaded himself in his room for the past few days, coping with what has happened, and what needed to be done moving forward.
Squeezing his hand, he felt the fabric of one of Michelangelo's masks in his palm. He looked down, sorrow filling his face.
"Father look at this!"
"Master Splinter you gotta check this movie out. I know you don't like horror but you'll get a good laugh from it."
"Who's ready for pizza!"
"Thanks dad. Love you!"
Michelangelo's voice replayed over and over in his head, a reminder that he will never hear his son again. Master Splinter has spent the time in solitude attempting to find his sons wondering soul in the Astral Field, hoping he had found himself in their families reach. But it was a lost cause and Michelangelo's soul was nowhere to be found.
It was an empty feeling to say the least. As if a piece of himself was lost. Out of all his years of training his sons and creating them to be fiercest of ninja and to be feared of enemies across the universe, he never in a million lifetimes would have expected to lose his youngest in such a matter. Not like this. How undeserving this death was.
He looked up from the mask to see Donatello kneeling on the pillow, head down. He was able to pull his son from his mechanics for a short time, curious to how the genius turtle was feeling.
"Donatello." Splinter said. Donnie shot up quickly to his father's voice, eyes sunk in from the lack of sleep.
"How are you feeling my son?" He asked calmly. Donnie took a breath.
"I mean I'm uh, just catching up on some stuff father. Just making sure the-the security cameras are up to date and making sure everyone's shell cell has the best service because I don't want to be stuck in the same situation when we can't reach each other and we end up not being able to make it somewhere in time and someone gets hurt and-"
"Donatello you are rambling off." Splinter said, catching the purple banded turtle off guard.
"I uh, sorry Master Splinter." he said, keeping his head down.
"I wanted to know how you were feeling my son, not what you were doing." Splinter clarified. He was watching Donnie's movements closely. Donatello has always been a little anxious, smarter than his own good which kept him in a sense of panic. He had the knowledge to fix everything, and he knew this wasn't something he could fix.
"Well father I guess I'm a little worried for Leo and Raph. Leo he- he got hurt in the fire and his wound hasn't been treated properly yet and knowing Raph he's going to over work himself which means he'll be bed ridden and then there will be no one to protect the city cause were short a turtle now and it's really taking a toll-"
"Donatello, breathe." Donnie did what he was told and took a breath.
"I've been looking at the updates and they have a clean up for tomorrow morning to get rid of the rest of the rubble. I know I need to let them know but I know Leo isn't gonna budge and it's just going to be a fight. And I-" Oh how anxious he was feeling, feeling cornered and confused like an abused dog.
"How are you taking everything with what has happened with Michelangelo?" He asked directly seeing the cracks in the wall Donatello was built.
"I don't know." He said honestly. "I guess I haven't had time to think about it because I have been so worried about Leo and Raph I haven't really thought about it?" He made it into a question because he didn't know if that was what was actually happening.
"I think I'm sad. I mean, I know I'm sad but it doesn't feel right to be sad. Mikey, he was Leo's mate and I can't even imagine that turmoil. And Raph, god.." He trailed for a second. He felt the stinging feeling of tears in the corners of his eyes, feeling the floodgates opening.
"I guess I feel frustrated because I feel like I can't be sad. I know they may have had stronger ties but he was my brother too." He rubbed the single tear from his cheek. He was growing too emotional and needed to catch himself.
"It doesn't matter." He said, standing up. "I need to go get them, when they clean that lot off it doesn't matter anymore." Donatello knew from the moment that building came down there was no way of retrieving a body. Either Mikey would have been engulfed by the fire or crushed from the falling pieces of concrete. Either way, there was no recovering him but on the bright side of things, that means he couldn't be found for others either. How morbid.
Splinter stood up as well, walked over to his son and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"You are allowed to mourn Donatello." He told him. "You are very good at hiding how you feel when it comes to vulnerable emotions but you can feel sad and miss Michelangelo as much as anyone else." So warm the way Splinter spoke to Donnie. But he always did ever since they were kids. Splinter just knew the right things to say when making them feel better about something. Donatello had a funny notion that had something to do that Splinter didn't believe that he or Raphael were better equipped with their emotions like Leonardo was, but still it was comforting to know Master Splinter was in his corner.
"I will be going with you to retrieve your brothers." He said, heading out to the front.
"Master Are you sure? I know how much you don't like going to the surface." Donnie argued. Master Splinter paused for a moment at the top of the stairs.
"Leonardo is not in his right mind." He said sternly. "You will need my help to remove him from the area." And with that, Splinter headed out of the lair followed by Donatello and he had a strange feeling Leo wasn't gonna come home without a fight and that wasn't good news for anyone.
"Fuck.." Raphael leaned up against one of the fallen pillars, breathing heavily as he had just finished moving his last piece of ruble out of the way to find another empty plot. It's been like this for the past 24 hours of empty plots and nowhere closer to finding Mikey.
Luckily enough during the day the humans were using their construction equipment to start clearing out the much larger portions that he and Leo weren't able to. But even then they had to be on edge. Raph has been lucky enough to catch a water break but when they weren't digging, they were scoping out the areas to make sure none of the clean up crew found him on accident and Raphael had to admit this was taking a toll.
He looked over to the other side of the plot to see Leo digging away like a machine. Raph couldn't even believe he was complaining. Leo was going at this for days with little to no time to rest. But Raph understood even though Leo's will was strong, his body had its limits.
Just as he thought that, Leonardo went down hard on one knee, barely catching himself by pulling out a katana and placing it into the ground to keep himself from landing forward. His breathing was so rigid, probably from the extensive amount of labor and the lack of water. Raph started making his way over, wanting nothing more than to help Leo out, maybe make him rest for a moment to gain some strength back.
"Leo just take a second bro." He said in a soft tone. "I can go to the lair and grab some water and maybe something to eat and-" As he was speaking he was attempting to reach out to help Leo up only to have his eldest turn quickly, glaring up at him, sweat dripping off his face the mix of dirt and muck but his eyes daggers at Raph.
"Back off." He snarled. Raph immediately retracted and bit his lip. This entire time Leo has barely said two to him. If he did speak to him it was short and aggressive. He wasn't allowed anywhere near Leo's vicinity and Raph couldn't tell if it was for Leo's pride or Raph's safety.
Watching Leo stand back up and almost pitiful. His arms shook as he hoisted his body weight back up to his feet as he was pulling in large gasps of air. His body just about had it and Raph had a feeling if this went on any longer Leo was going to keel over.
Raphael notice the area slowly getting lighter. He looked up to see the sun was beginning to rise.
Shit.
Raph remembered Donnie saying that there was an official clean up crew coming through to take care of the remaining ruble. He just forgot it was today.
He started to feel anxious. He knew they needed to move out of the way and fast. But Leo wasn't going to budge. Fuck.
"Leo.." He said quickly as his eldest brother continued to push and dig at the debris, blatantly ignoring Raph. "Leo the clean up crew is coming today. And it looks like pretty soon. They are gonna be here at sunrise bro. We need to leave." Leo continued to ignore him, moving slightly faster as if the urgency to find Mikey.
Raph was starting to get impatient and reached for Leo again.
"Leo we need to go-" Leo swatted Raph's arm and stepped closer.
"You want to leave? Leave! I'm not stopping you but let's not forget the reason why I am digging in this pit in the first place, Raph." How cynical he sounded it made Raph's skin crawl. "Now do me a favor Raph and go home!"
"Not without you!" Raph challenged. "Ya wanna talk about safety but when the clean up crew come in and they see ya digging around ya compromise everyone!"
"What do you want me to do!" Leo hollered, looking at Raph straight in the eye. Raph felt broken seeing Leonardo in such a manic state. He was afraid of this. He was afraid they wouldn't find Mikey. Their brothers body was going to be the only thing that would keep Leo afloat. Now he's about to go off the deep end.
"Let go." Raph said calmly. How two words can crush someone in a moment. How distraught and week his leader looked. Leo looked up to the sky, seeing the creeping sun arise and could start to hear the city come to life.
He needed to find him.
He needed to find him.
He needed to find him!
"I can't." He said quietly before turning back to go back into the pit.
"Jesus Christ Leo we can't stay here we have to leave-" Raph was met far too quickly with the end of Leo's blade at his neck. The stance itself wasn't strong and he could see the metal piece shake to Leo's bodies lack of strength.
"I'm not leaving." He said. He twitched, suddenly feeling all his aches and pains and the burning from his arm as if his body was saying it was done. Raphael didn't miss that.
"We can't be here anymore bro." He said calmly.
"We can't leave him here!" Leo yelled. "Him out of all people in this world doesn't deserve to be lied in a place like this. He needs to come home." Who was this person? Raphael wasn't understanding the frantic need to bring Mikey's body back. He knew for a fact if this was any of them Leo would not be going through all this trouble for a vessel that held their souls. They trained for these moments, they learned and breathed the possibility of their early deaths but its as if Leo completely threw their training out the window. Their spirits are linked and can be met in the astral plane so they can always be together as family. So why is it-
Raphaels heart dropped.
Mikey's spirit never made it to the astral plane. It was the only explanation he could think of for Leonardo's irrational behavior. There was so much guilt laying on Raphael and now understanding he won't ever actually speak with Michelangelo again or even feel his warmth, was starting to set in.
"Leo." Another voice came into their space making them both turn. Donnie was standing there, looking concerned.
"Donnie?" Leo said. "What are you doing here?" Donnie didn't respond right away overtaken by the amount of bruises and wounds clattered over Leo's green skin. It made him sick to see his eldest abusing his body the way he did for such a pointless mission.
"Leo. You are not okay. I need to treat your wounds before you start losing limbs." He said calmly but sternly seeing his leaders eyes were sunken and wild from the lack of sleep and energy. "It's time to come home."
Leo gave out an airless laugh, pulling his sword away from Raph and dropping on the ground.
"I'm not going anywhere." He said quietly.
"Leo you need to come home and take care of yourself."
"I'm not going anywhere!" He said as firmly as he could. "Not until I find his body and bring him home."
"You're not going to find him Leo! He was either crushed to dust by the weight of this building or he was burned by the fire. There is no body there is no bringing Mikey home." Raph kept quiet, looking over his eldest. It was almost as if his mind couldn't process what he was told, what he was doing there or what he was doing. His eyes looked so lost. This is the most vulnerable he had ever seen Leo awake and standing and it was not a sight he liked.
"I'm not going to stop." Leo responded, taking a step back. The sound of approaching large vehicles made it clear the cleaning crew was here.
"Leo we need to leave!" Donnie tried again.
"I need to find him. He promised he would come back." Leo mumbled to himself ready to turn back to dig before Raph grabbed his better arm.
"That's enough Leo. No more." Leonardo snarled and jabbed at Raphael.
"Get your fucking hands off of me!" He yelled, getting ready to pull his second katana.
"Gah!" Leo froze immediately, body relaxed, and fell forward into the dust. Master Splinter was behind him, clearly hit a pressure point to knock the eldest out.
"Father…" Raph breathed out. The vehicles were getting louder and it was time to move out.
"Grab Leonardo. We are heading home." Splinter said, picking up the loose katana and taking the one that was still put away out of the scabber before heading back to the closest sewer entrance.
Raphael approached his fallen leader to see he really was completely knocked out and could only imagine he would be like that for a couple of days. He did this to him. He made Leo lose his mind.
Leo said he had finally won. He didn't want to win this way. Never this way. He can only hope that Mikey, wherever he was could forgive him and find Leonardo salvation because if this keeps going the way it was, they were about to lose two brothers.
A/N: Hiii Wow this is the quickest update ive done in a while im pretty impressed with myself :D So I wanted to point out a few things moving forward with this story. This particular fic has themes and follows all throughout the story:
The process of mourning and grieving (Healthy and unhealthy)
Toxic Masculinity (you'll see more of that moving forward next chapter)
Accountability and responsibility
Mental health (Will be addressed in later chapters *will have warnings)
Just keep these in mind when going through the story and let me know if you can pick up on them going through :)
-Till next time!
~F