Control

.

.

.

.

The soft rumbles of the sewer lines passed behind Leo's mind. Everything felt so surreal and light. Sleeping wasn't the word that would be used. His body recuperating to the best of its abilities but not at the speed needed. Not like Leo would realize anyways.

His breathing was steady, passed out on his bed in the deep unconscious slumber.

His breath, blending to the dull noises of the pipes that went across his room. How intimate and small this all seemed.

His unmoving body thought it felt a dip in the bed, very slight. A body to his side leaning so close to his head.

"Leo."

Mikey.

"Leo, wake up."

"Mikey…" He whispered to himself.

Within that short moment, Leonardo's eyes opened slightly, adjusting to the darkness of his room. He breathed in slowly and immediately regretted it.

"Ah." He cringed as his body tried to move. He could feel the stiffness in his joints and just how sore his muscles were. When he tried to clear his throat, his started to cough aggressively, noticing immediately how dry his throat was. Without really thinking and ignoring the pain in his body, he twisted over to his night stand to see a glass of water and some pills. His assumption was that the pills were either Aspirin or Tylonal for the pain but nothing stronger than that. Donnie noticed quickly that Leo enjoyed having vicodin more than he probably should and took that away real quick which in reality Leonardo thanked for.

He brought his legs over the bed and saw all the bandages across his limbs and the padded wrap on his arm where he was nicked from the building. He took the pills and downed his glass of water and sighed.

He felt shallow. His heart restricted as the memories started to flood back and realizing when he walked out of his room Michelangelo wasn't going to be there to greet him. A pang of regret hit him as he remembered that they never recovered the body.

He needed to find him.

With everything he had, he lifted his body up and opened up the door.

Donatello was sitting at the kitchen table sipping at his tea in deep thought. He couldn't get the image of Leo's face out of his mind. How desperate he looked. It was almost pitiful and Donnie felt guilty for taking him away but he knew if he didn't Leo would have killed himself digging up a body that didn't exist anymore.

Donnie looked up to see Raph walk in and lean up against the counter, crossing his arms looking stiff.

"Has he woken up yet?" He asked quietly.

"No. Not yet. I don't expect him to his body is pretty exhausted." Donnie said. Raph smirked.

"Nah, his will is gonna push his body to the grave before he stops." He said grimly. Raph looked up to see Donnie staring into his cup.

"You okay?" He asked. Donnie bit the inside of his cheek.

"I think." he said. "I'm coming to terms a bit but I also think I'm getting a little too fixated on Leo's health so dont know if that helps."

"He'll appreciate it. He needs a bro around." Raph said quietly. Donnie picked up on the tone immediately and tensed.

"He'll come around Raph. He always does." Donnie tried to comfort.

"Not this time." Raph responded. Working with Leo at the site was enough to show Raph this wasn't going to be a mistake easily forgiven. Raph fucked up major and Leo knew that. This wasn't gonna just go away.

A sound from the other room caught their attention, Donnie jumping up quickly to inspect. Raph stayed where he was, not wanting to face Leo just yet it was him.

Donnie made his way into the living room and looked at the stairs to see Leo at the bottom gripping at the rail showing he had just lost his balanced and using it as leverage.

"Leo What are you doing!" Donnie said running up to his brother and helped to stand him up. Leo didn't let go of the bar, catching his breath. He was much weaker than he thought he was and that began to irritate him.

"I guess you're feeling better?" The purple banded turtle said. Leo looked at him with tired eyes.

"I guess." His voice was ragged. "How long was I out?"

"Just a little over a day. Should still be in bed bro. Those wounds are pretty bad and your were pretty dehydrated too."

"I can't I have to find him." Leo said almost breathlessly pushing off of the rail and standing on his own. Donnie felt such pity for his leader. Leonardo was one of the most confident and determined individuals he had ever met. It's what makes him a great leader, but his single minded outcomes was one of his greatest downfalls.

"Leo, we can't go back there. The lot, it's already cleared out." Donnie studied his older brother to see how hard he was trying to keep his porcelain mask on but could see the cracks.

"We can't leave him there Donnie." Leo said in a small voice, desperate.

"We won't find him." Donnie tried to sound as sympathetic as possible but he needed to keep things realistic. "The lot was cleared. There wasn't anything found and nothing has been said on the news. There's nothing to look for there Leo." Leo's grip on the rail was painfully strong he was straining his hand. He can't get Mikey back. His soul will forever be lost because his vessel was no longer reachable.

He would never see him again. Never laugh with him, play with him, never fight side by side. His other half was lost. All because Raphael wanted to prove a fucking point.

Leo took in a broken breath as he released the rail, making himself stand on his own two feet. He needed to reel in his mind, his emotions getting a little too scattered. One step at a time.

Chipping away.

Slowly.

"Leo?" Donnie reached out to try and put a hand on his brother's shoulder but he pulled away. "Is there anything you need?" He asked, ignoring Leo's physical lack of touch.

"Where is he?" He asked flatly.

"Who?" Donnie asked. Leo looked at him, cold eyes piercing into him.

"Our brother." He spoke so low, Donnie felt a shiver run down his spine.

"You need to see Master Splinter first." He said.

"What?"

"Father told me when you wake up you need to speak with him before you approach Raph." Master Splinter was a smart man. He always has been. Leo has spent enough hours in meditation and training with their father to know he wasn't being talked to to see how he was doing.

Chip, Chip, Chip.

Leo took a step, gaining his footing before he headed towards his father's room. Raphael peered through the kitchen, staying hidden behind the wall as he watched the eldest walk to their fathers room. He had a bad feeling.

Leo opened the door slowly. See the lights were on and that his father was sitting at his desk. He was reading over something. Splinter didn't look up as he flipped through the pages of the document.

"Sit. Leonardo." He said with a flat tone. Leo's heart was racing. Not from fear but from anger and the anxiety of the possible outcomes. Leo shut the door behind him and kneeled on one of the four pillows in front of his father's desk. He said for a moment, keeping his head down, waiting for his father to speak, hearing the passing of the papers.

"We will be holding a ceremony for Michelangelo in the Battle Nexus. Honoring him as the warrior he was." Splinter looked up to see Leo was still looking at the ground, hands in a tight fist on his knees.

"But that isn't why I wanted to speak to you." Splinter continued. "What I want to know is what is going on with you." Leo didn't answer still looking at his knees.

Chip.

"Leonardo you will look at me as I speak to you." Splinter said in a more dominant voice. Leo bit the inside of his cheek and looked up at his father. Splinter could see the searing anger boring in his son's eyes. Never has he seen Leonardo like this before. Though he can compare this behavior to the time he had to send his eldest away for further training, but this was a whole different level that Splinter didn't know if he could handle.

"Did you hear what I just said." He asked sternly.

"Sounds like your having a funeral without a body." Leo said sharply. Splinter bit back his frustration.

"It is a celebration of your brothers life. I would expect you to show some gratitude to the Daimyo for allowing such an event to happen in Michelangelo's name." He said. Leo huffed. "Something I said funny to you Leonardo?"

"This entire thing is quite comical honestly." He sneered. Splinter was starting to lose patience.

"Michelangelo is dead. It is only right that we honor him accordingly. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Yeah and why is he dead?" Leo challenged. "Funny how I'm getting the cold shoulder even though I wasn't there."

"His death was an accident and you know this. Raphael has already explained the interaction between them and the Shredder. Michelangelo died a hero, saving Raphael's life." Splinter was starting to slip.

"Yeah? There wouldn't have been any conflict if Raph would have just listened to me in the first place!" Leo was too losing his patience. His patience for his family trying to sweep this under the rug and pretend everything with butterflies and sunshine. No. No that sunshine died with Mikey.

"I have dealt with Raphael accordingly. That was my burden to bare." Splinter shot back.

"Oh let me guess, he came in crying and pleading for forgiveness and once again you caved." Oh, how fed up Leo was feeling right now. "Probably told him it wasn't his fault and once again excuse his blatant lack of respect for authority and once again I'm left with a mess to clean up!"

"Last time I checked Leonardo, Raphael is not the leader of the clan." Splinter stood up, pushing against his walking stick gripping the top.

"I followed my orders." Leo said in a dark tone. "I had my plan, a strict coordinated assault that was supposed to keep us all safe." Leo defended himself. His blood starting to boil.

"And yet you failed!" He hollered, slamming his cane to the ground. Leo didn't even flinch.

"Let me remind you Leonardo, I allowed you to continue that relationship with MIchelangelo because you promised me it would not affect your role as leader." How tight those words were. Leo could feel the collar around his neck grow thicker hearing his father speak. How he allowed, how it was overall his father's decision on what Leonardo's happiness consisted of.

So little control.

So little freedom.

Leo was feeling so caged, cornered.

"Allowed me?" He said quietly. Refusing to look up, Leo spoke so low, so sinister it seemed. "I asked for your blessing, not for your permission. I am allowed to pursue happiness the same as anyone else!" Leo shot his head up, leaning slightly forward almost like he was ready to stand up.

"You can't punish me for wanting to protect and preserve the last thing I had of him!"

"You failed your role Leonardo!" Splinter's voice turning more and more demanding as the conversation continued. "Michelangelo was not your only team member, you left Donatello alone and confused and allowed Raphael to run off with life threatening wounds! You allowed your emotions to better you in a sensitive time of needed leadership and you failed. You have responsibility here, now Leonardo and I expect you to get yourself together and be the leader I trained you to be!" They locked eyes and Splinter could feel a cold shiver run down in spine. Rage was all he saw, and that alone sent Splinter into a frenzy.

"You are the leader of this clan and this family needs you here, and now. So enough with the selfish acts and be a leader."

It was silent for a moment, not a single tone passed between the two of them for what seemed like a thousand years. But, Leo spoke up.

"So you really aren't going to punish him." He snarled.

"Raphael has been dealt with. It is no longer your concern."

"Saying your disappointed and telling him you love him isnt going to change anything!" Leo yelled.

"That's enough from you!" Splinter yelled back.

"What will it take for you to finally start holding him accountable for his actions!" How panicked Leo was speaking to his father this way. Never has he felt so lost, never has he even thought about speaking to his father in this manner but man,

It did feel good.

"It was an accident Leonardo and you know that! You were responsible for had happened and failed to clean up the mess!" Leo felt good seeing his father struggle like this. He wasn't able to keep his composure. This raw emotion of hatred and fear pouring from the all powerful Master Splinter truly made Leo feel a new sense of power.

"So I take full blame for what happened and Raph walks free. So what happens the next time this happens dad? Hmm? What will it take for you to hold him accountable!"

"Enough Leonardo!"

Losing control.

"I just want to know! If him getting our brother killed wasn't enough for you then what will? When he pulls another stunt and puts us all in danger? He gets me killed? Donnie? Will he have to have everyone dead before you start taking responsibility!"

Master Splinter was too quick for Leo see the impending attack. Master Splinter quickly brought up his cane to the tip and used the handle as that of a club and swung it with enough might that Leo tumbled to the side, gripping his cheek. Splinter was shaking. He was shaking with rage toward Leonardo and himself.

Leonardo was never a child that needed large amounts of discipline. He always listened, he always followed through. He was a prodigy that everywhere in the multiverse wanted. But, he was only dedicated to his family and Splinter had no worries. In reality Splinter never truly had to parent Leo.

But now, now he was losing his control.

Leonardo is a fearsome ninja. The self discipline, the trained qualities he possessed and the advantages he had of being a young mutant made him a hot commodity that everyone desired. Leonardo is hindsight was a natural born soldier, a trained assassin that in the wrong hands could cause utter mayhem. Splinter had always thanked the gods to have his son in his corner when it really mattered and had no fear of Leo turning dark. However, Michelangelo's death triggered something. Something dark.

"You will speak no more Leonardo." He said with the most authority he could muster. "This is not up for debate. You will get a grip! You will not disrespect this family and Michelangelo's name like this!" Splinter observed Leo's posture, seeing how tense his body was. He was fighting the urge to hit back. Splinter still had some control.

An Icy chill went through the air as he heard a small, but menacing growl coming from the eldest. He had heard Raphaels gurgled growls far too much to be fazed and donatello's frustrated animalistic nature and even on the rare occasion Mikey's growls during sparring or as he played his games. But Leo, never. He had never heard the eldest feral noises linking him to his animal instincts. But a growl is a warning sign in most animal kingdoms and that growl, though small, was a warning.

"Stay here." Splinter said, brushing off the interaction for now to retrieve the two other brothers. Leo sat there, hand on his cheek, fighting every urge he had to flip this room upside down and to return the favor. Leo was in so much pain. Not from the injuries and not from the new bruise on his face or cracked teeth.

The pain was from the loss of Michelangelo. He missed him so much and couldn't figure out how to handle this loss. But this interaction with Splinter was the reminder he didn't have time to wallow with himself, he needed to be there for his family.

What bullshit.

The door slid back open and Donnie and Raph walked in, seating themselves on the other pillows. Donnie sat next to Leo and immediately saw the inflamed cheek, taking note that wasn't a previous injury.

"Leo.." Donnie tried to reach out but Leo pulled back quickly, avoiding his brother's touch. Donnie could see the wheels turning. His veins prompt in his fist showing his tense body. What on earth just happened?

Splinter stood back behind his desk, avoiding looking at Leo in fear he would get riled up again.

"I have called you all in here to let you know we will be heading to the Battle Nexus in two days to celebrate Michelangelo's life. The Daimyo was very generous and will be handling most of the proceedings but, we will be there to honor as a clan." He explained.

"Wow, um that's incredibly nice of the Daimyo but he doesn't have to." Donnie said tentatively. Raph wasn't listening all that much. He peered to his side to see the slight out line of Leo's body and felt guilty. He looked so uncomfortable. He didn't know what conversation he and their father were having but it didn't seem good.

"As Tradition, the head of house will light the torch of remembrance and we will all be apart of the ceremony. Understood?" He asked.

"Yes Master." Donnie and Raph said in unison. Splinter looked to see Leo still had his head down, still tense.

"Leonardo do you understand?" Splinter clarified but again received no response. Splinter could feel himself boiling up once again. That complete disrespect.

"Leo are you-" Donnie tried to ask but Leo shot up from his seat and darted from the room and out to the sewers as fast as his injured body could let him.

"Leo!" Donnie yelled, standing quickly after.

"Leave him!" Splinter demanded, stopping Donnie in his tracks. "He will return." He tried to reassure before sitting back at his desk. "Now sit Donatello and I will go over the plans of the ceremony."

Donnie didn't want to sit. He wanted to make sure Leo was alright. His face , body, his behavior showed something dreadful.

"Don." Donnie looked down to see Raph staring up at him, gesturing for him to take a seat. Their father was obviously angry and Raphael didn't want Splinter the relay those frustrations to Donnie. Donatello took the hint and sat back down and though he sat through the explanation he wasn't paying attention. Not one bit.

Casey came home and slammed the door shut behind him, sighing in relief. He went to Aprils and stayed there for a couple of days after explaining what had happened to Mikey. He held her for most of the night and day as she cried and returned the favor. To lose Mikey was truly like losing family and it broke both of their hearts.

Casey went to the fridge and grabbed a beer and popped it open. April needed to go on a business trip and would be gone for a night or two so he had the apartment to himself for the night. He went towards the living room and turned on the living room light.

"Wah!" He yelled, as he saw Leo sitting on his couch, hunched over slightly.

"Jesus, I know ya guys are ninja but have ya eva' heard of knock'n!" He yelled, gripping his chest in dramatics.

"Hey Casey." Leo said quietly, not looking up from where he was. "Can I stay here tonight?" Casey immediately felt pity. Poor Leo, Casey could relate to how the blue banded leader was feeling. Far more than he would have liked.

"Sure." He said quietly. Leo nodded before hugging himself a little tighter.

Leo sat there, trapped in his own head. His father has never hit him in such aggression before. It made Leo so furious but he was so fucking hurt. He just wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and punch something and just feel noticed. Hell he just wanted Mikey.

But he understood his father's values and the traditionalist he was and knew he wouldn't be able to show such weakness. He could never. He needed to be leader. That's all he could do.

What a pitiful existence that was.

"Here." Leo looked up to see Casey handing him an open beer. "I get it if you don't wanna talk about it. Wanna watch the game?" He asked. Casey really was a loving and caring friend. Leo was hesitant for a moment before taking a drink. Casey smiled at him before making himself comfortable in the seat next to Leo. Casey patted him on the shoulder, showing him slight comfort before turning on the television. Leo took a gulp of the bitter drink. Its been so long since the last time he had just sat down and had some alcohol.

He guess for the time being this was enough and would satisfy his racing mind. He drank the beer and asked for another, then another, then another.

Till everything started to blur and the pain no longer existed.

A/N: Hello! Sorry I have been MIA I am now in Graduate school and that has been more challenging haha but don't worry I will still update!

Also please check out Yure-Chans art on this Fic 3

Link: en/artworks/77679933Till next time!

-F