Chapter 21

This chapter is a little mature, language and sex-wise.

For a week Bellamy didn't mention the fact that he knew Clarke visited her father almost daily. Even when she told him she was working an extra hour at the hospital and would be home late.

So he let it not bother him, maybe she didn't want him to be sad and think about how he lost Miller the same day they found her dead. Maybe she just wanted that time to herself. He would have gone on thinking that if they hadn't had the fight they had later that afternoon.

She felt amazing. Now that Clarke's belly was an actual belly, their positions had to be changed up. Either she was on top, they spooned, Clarke was on her back or they both got up on their knees and he held her back to his chest. That's how they were now.

Clarke's head was rested back on Bellamy's shoulder, her cheek as his lips. Other than the first day he got back, this was the first time they'd had sex all week. Not that that is all they were, they didn't need sex to be a couple, they were having a baby for god shakes. It was always something that brought them closer as a couple, something they enjoyed doing.

"Bellamy." Clarke's hand gripped desperately to his, which was currently across her chest squeezing her breast.

With all the baby hormones everything felt a lot hotter and a lot more powerful, Bellamy came to find out. Clarke was a lot more responsive and Bellamy would bet he could make her cum without touching her, just dirty talk.

His other hand, which was resting at the side of her little round belly on her hip slid down to cup her. His fingers brushed against his cock as he placed his hand over her and pressed against her.

With her whimpers and the way Clarke dropped her chin to her chest, he knew she was watching them. As much as she could see from her vantage point, which was his arms. One wrapped securely around her, the other disappearing under her belly. Her pale skin appeared so soft compared to his darker skin.

"Oh god!" Her legs began to wobble with the effort.

"That's right Baby."

Removing his hand from her sex, he held it out in front of them, his other keeping tight to her body as they fell forward. Clarke's hands and head joined his against the bed as they came.

When Bellamy pulled back, Clarke fell to her side slightly shaking. Making sure he wasn't going to fall on her, Bellamy flopped to his back.

They laid in silence while their breaths and heartbeats returned to a normal pace, Bellamy thought they were going to fall asleep like this until Clarke shot up and started looking around wildly.

"What?" He asked her, pushing up onto his elbows.

"My phone, what time is it?"

"Maybe 8 or 9?" Bellamy offered. "Clarke!"

Clarke practically jumped from the bed, wobbling on her shaking legs. Grabbing sweats that she usually left on the top of her dresser because they were her favourites.

"I just-Um I don't- I forgot that I need." Clarke's brain couldn't think properly past her brain telling her she was late.

Bellamy was now on his feet, having just pulled his boxers on. "To the cemetery?" He hadn't meant for it to come out as harsh as it had, but he didn't want her to lie about something so trivia.

Clarke slowed her movements but she didn't stop, didn't negate his answer or turn to look at him. Bellamy let her, it was when she took her car keys from the desk that he had a problem.

"Stop. Clarke!" He took her arm, pulling her to a stop before she could get a step out of the bedroom.

"I'm late." Clarke's voice was almost panicked now, but she didn't try to pull away from him.

Bellamy didn't understand, "They'll let you in no matter what time it is Clarke, Sgt Miller made sure of that."

That got her attention, Clarke slowly turned and Bellamy dropped his hand from her arm. But she still didn't look in his eyes, only at his chest. She knew from looking at herself in the mirror these past couple of weeks that her eyes would be stones, lacking emotion.

"Baby it's not a big deal. You wanting to see your dad isn't something you need to keep from me or lie about."

Changing direction, Clarke walked past Bellamy, avoiding brushing his arm as she did. She went to the deck and slid the door closed behind her, clearly telling him not to follow her.

Figuring there was nowhere for her to go, and she'd come back in when she was cold Bellamy took a seat on the couch. He waited a good 20 minutes before he decided to go out there. He might have left her longer but he knew how could it was when the sun went down.

"Clarke come inside." He told her, sliding the door open.

When she didn't react, Bellamy stepped outside and stopped behind her. When he called out her name again and she didn't react, he went to touch her hand. As soon as he made contact Clarke turned, putting her hands inside her sweater pocket.

"Why do you like me?"

Bellamy's eyebrows shot up, what? "Let's talk inside." He went to reach for her elbow but Clarke stepped back.

"I would have let him fuck me you know."

That made him flinch, but he'd play along if it got him the answers he wanted.

Standing outside in his boxers, Bellamy asked. "He who?"

"Finn, or really any of those guys Lexa and I manipulated while on the road. Hell if we hadn't been interrupted, I probably would have cum for her at that party."

Face scrunched up Bellamy put a palm out toward her, "Ok stop."

"No. You know all these things. Why are you with me?"

He was silent for a while. Moments ago they were having sex, now she was what? Trying to piss him off?

"I'm not doing this." He turned around to go inside, but Clarke followed, leaving the deck door open.

"You were just doing this a couple of minutes ago." Bellamy hadn't yet turned to face her but he assumed she pointed to herself and was referring to the sex they just had. "It's the truth, Bellamy."

"What does any of that have to do with you lying about seeing your dad?"

Clarke crossed her arms, "I thought you didn't care-"

"I care about you. I don't understand why you were hiding it from me."

"Because that's what I do Bellamy."

He shook his head, "We're not supposed to lie to each other."

Clarke shook her head right back, that's not what she meant. "Kill people."

Bellamy let out a rough breath, "You didn't kill your dad Clarke." She shrugged at him.

"I killed that guy to protect Lexa-"

"I thought I told you not to talk about that." He reminded her.

"I killed Miller."

That stopped him, Bellamy had never once blamed Clarke for what happened that day. He blamed himself for not being able to take down Pike while he had the chance. Clarke had never really brought up Miller to him, especially not as a weapon to hurt him with.

"I murdered your best friend. There is no way in hell you can't say that was my fault." Clarke could tell by the look on his face, that one stung.

"What are you trying to do?"

Clarke spread her arms out at her sides, "All that's inside me, Bellamy! It's. Who. I. Am."

"No!" He pointed at her. "I don't know who the hell this is, but you've been different ever since I got back."

"I've been different for a long time." Finally, some truth came spilling out of her. "Clarke. I don't think she's there anymore!"

Bellamy watches Clarke point to her head, her eyes hollow. Not showing any emotion other than sadness.

"Clarke..."

"I tried like everyone wanted me to. I just can't find her."

Everything stopped, Bellamy's thoughts, Clarke's hurtful words; because this was it. This was the thing that had been dividing them. It broke his heart because he saw it in here.

He remembers seeing the blonde the day he showed up to surprise his sister. They were laughing and smiling together, even after her moms' death he still saw that same girl in her when she was around her friends. Somewhere between the kidnapping and her dad being taken, something inside the blonde changed. She hid it well, even when she and Lexa went on that bender, even before when Clarke shot the already dead man Bellamy had tied up. Her true emotions were hidden in the action crazed adrenaline.

But his sister and their friends had seen it before that. When Clarke was living life like a zombie, that was it. What she'd felt like inside, when she'd pushed it down and focused everything on killing Pike, everyone thought she'd gotten over it. Including Bellamy, maybe he just hadn't wanted to see it.

"Abby." Clarke let out a shaky breath. "When I found my mom. When I went into hiding with you, I was still there."

This is where her dad ties in, Bellamy thinks quietly to himself letting Clarke continue.

"When my dad came back, I was there. Then he wasn't, and you weren't and I wasn't." She sounded so small, it made Bellamy's heartache.

Bellamy risked taking a couple stepped toward her, "We're still here Clarke."

She shook her head, "I know you want me to be but-" She look down, hair covering her face.

Bellamy decided to take that moment and closed the distance between them, pulling her into his arms.

"We're the ones who get to keep on living. So that's what we've to go to do. Live."

When she pulled away from him and walked into the bedroom, Bellamy sighed thinking she was drawing back into herself. But after he heard her rustling around, she came back out, with something balled up in her hand.

Clarke held her fist out to him, opening it. "It's a-"

"I know what it is." Voice breathy, Bellamy's chest tightening so much he felt like he couldn't breathe. "Why the hell do you have it?"

Inside her fist was a little dime bag, inside that bag was a cyanide capsule. Ones spies use to use back in world war two, if they ever got captured it would kill them almost instantly.

"Lexa. After we got back, when I was returning all my weapons I remembered it was tucked away in my go belt, so I slipped it into my back pocket while no one was looking. The night we got home, you were sleeping and I took this and stood over the toilet. I stood there till my feet started to tingle, I don't know why I couldn't flush it."

Bellamy's eyes were wide, how could he not know how deep Clarke had fallen. She could have slipped away from him and he wouldn't have ever known. Might have even spent months chasing down people he thought might have killed her. In the end only to finally be convinced that she did it to herself. If she'd done it before she realized she was pregnant and he found out after they did an autopsy, that would have annihilated him.

Grabbing it from her open palm with that in mind, Bellamy walked past her and into their bathroom. Flushing the whole thing without a second thought, he stood there until the toilet was refilled with water and he could be sure that the damn poison was out of their lives.

"I didn't even think about it, once I knew about the baby." She told him.

Bellamy slowly walked back into the living room, eyes only on her.

"But before, after everything. You would have taken yourself away from me." He was mad, he didn't feel like he should have a right to be but he was. "I don't just like or care about you Clarke. I'm god damn in love with you!"

This was the first time she cried all night, "Did you even think about that?" He yelled at her.

"You're the reason I could never do it. The reason I always put the pill back, the reason I stopped picking the pill up and started going to my dad. I don't want you to feel like this. Hell, I don't want to feel like this! But I don't know how to stop."

"By talking to me!" He rolled his neck, trying to lower his voice. "Clarke just talk to me. Don't try to push me away because I'm not leaving."

"Everyone I've loved who's left me wasn't given a choice." They were murdered.

Bellamy shook his head, confidently walking over to her. He wanted to promise her that wouldn't happen with him, that he wouldn't allow himself to be taken from her. But like she said, it wouldn't be his choice.

Instead of promising, he raised his hand to rest on her belly.

"You'll always have a part of me."

Tears fell faster down her cheeks, "No it's not enough." She felt terrible for saying it, but it's how she felt.

"Then I'll just have to fight like hell for my family then, won't I?" Bellamy used his thumbs to clear the tears from her cheeks.

Clarke let her forehead fall into Bellamy's bare chest as she breathed him in. His skin having been warmed up from the fight they'd just had, was no longer cool from the night air.

"Aaah" Clarke gasped, hand flying to her stomach.

"What?" Bellamy stepped back to look at her, hand holding her shoulder. "No-No-"

"No," Clarke reassured him smiling. Reaching out for his hand she placed it under her own. "The baby is moving."

Clarke soon wasn't the only one smiling in the room. They stood together in silence, the past few hours forgotten. Thoughts on their baby, Clarke could have sworn she felt a little dime-sized piece of herself slide back into place.

.

"Bellamy," Clarke muttered to him as they walked behind the nurse to the exam room.

He whispered back, "I'm just saying, she's a baby doctor, she probably knows these things."

"and I'm telling you as someone also trained in medicine that I know your or anyone's penis for that matter, no matter how long, is not long enough to poke the baby during sex."

Bellamy just rolled his eyes and followed her into the light purple room.

"Harper is Just running a couple of minutes behind, she'll be right in."

"Okay." Clarke smiled at her.

"But like you're stomach contracts and stuff when you orgasm, that has to do something to the baby."

Clarke slides her eyes from the closed-door over to Bellamy. "Seriously?"

He just looks back at her.

"Don't worry Bellamy, the only world you're rocking is mine. The baby doesn't even feel it."

"You said it was kicking a lot last night."

"Mostly likely cause my heart as pumping blood faster through my body and not because you poked it with your penis."

Bellamy shivered, done with his line of questioning for the moment. Clarke on the other hand just laughed at him.

"Hey, guys." Harper smiled coming into the room.

They both said hi back, their nerves starting to set in.

Harper tried to be professional and hide her opinion on the topic, she knew Clarke had pushed this appointment so she and Bellamy could talk about whether they wanted to know about the sex of the baby or not.

"So do you guys want to know?"

Clarke nodded and Bellamy said "Yes."

"It's okay to be a little nervous," Harper told them, taking out all the equipment she'd be using. "I tried to heat the gel but it might still be cold." She warned.

Clarke reached for Bellamy's hand as they both watched the screen as Harper moved the gel around Clarke's stomach.

"There is your baby," Harper told them. "If you just give me a second, I'll try and find out the sex."

Clarke knew when Harper found the spot, she'd done enough sonograms in her day to know it when she say it. Harper saw it too, she took a quick picture but kept quiet, she figured she would let Clarke tell Bellamy.

"What?" Bellamy asked her, "You can tell what it is?" He looked hard at the screen and could barely make out the shape of the body.

Clarke nodded tears in her eyes. "Yeah, I know what it is."

.

They'd talked about baby names a couple of different times, knowing that they'd be able to find out the sex of the baby soon.

"I think if it's a girl she should have a cool name like her aunt," Clarke said, snuggled into Bellamy's side under the sheets.

"Something no one else has." Bellamy agreed. "I hope to God she's not anywhere as stubborn as you."

"Rude." Clarke playfully slapped his chest. "I'd want her to have your hair."

"What this mess?" Bellamy teased, he was due for a haircut soon.

"Curls are so cute on little kids. Besides it's better than whatever the hell my hair does."

Bellamy laughed, Clarke often got annoyed at her hair. It wasn't pinned straight or curly like his, it fell somewhere in the middle. Which apparently makes it harder to do.

"I think you're hair is beautiful. I'd want our baby to have your eyes."

"It might when the baby is firstborn, but it'll probably end up with your eyes. I'm okay with that though, I want our kid to look like you."

"So I'm getting the hair and the eyes. What's coming from you?"

Clarke scrunched up her face, "Stubbornness?"

"Or your artistic ability."

"I think most kids like to do anything that makes a mess."

"Or we might have the next world-renowned artist inside there." He said rubbing her stomach.

"What if it's a boy?" Clarke asked. "It could be a boy."

"A boy would be so easy." Bellamy sighed wistfully, earning him another slap.

"Yeah, whatever. You say that now, but when he comes home all upset saying 'I knocked someone up' you're going to be the one I send him to."

"Bellamy rolled his eyes, chucking. "At least was won't have the knocked-up daughter."

Clarke gasped but could help to laugh at his joke. It was the lesser of two evils if she had to look at it. In the end, the health of the baby was all they cared about, not the sex.

.

"You're killing me with the anticipation Princess."

Now that she knew the sex, Clarke was certain she knew what she wanted the baby's name to be. She just hopped Bellamy liked it too.

"Yea and I know what I want his name to be." She looked up at him.

"He? It's a boy?" Bellamy asked, making sure he hadn't missed the S in her.

Clarke nodded, sitting up so she was in a better position to hug, not caring that the gel on her stomach was now on the inside of her shirt.

"I want to name him after Miller." She whispered to him.

Bellamy pulled back a couple of inches. "Nate. Nathan?"

Clarke nodded and Bellamy pulled her in for a kiss, tears welling in his eyes.

"Congratulation," Harper whispered happy for them, shutting the door as she left to give the couple some privacy.

When they finally pulled themselves apart, Bellamy took Clarke's hand to help her off the high table. The paper dressmaking noise as she stepped down.

Bellamy let her go to retrieve her clothes from the counter, not missing the change in her tone of voice when she next spoke to him.

"Bellamy!"

He turned, eyes landing on her face then following her gave to the floor. On the white speckled tile, between her feet was a small pool of blood. Without taking his eyes away, Bellamy yelled out for Harper.

If the blood wasn't enough to freak him the fuck out, Clarke's eyes rolled back into her head as her eyes fluttered shut and legs gave out underneath her. Bellamy moved just fast enough to slow her fall, him landing on his knees.

"What-Clarke, Oh my god!" Harper exclaimed. "I need some help in here!"

Harper moved toward them quickly, taking note of the blood now smeared on the floor. Harper checked Clarke's pulse and shined a light in her eyes. A moment later when Clarke started to try to fully sit up under their arms, Harper moved back slightly.

A couple of nurses were behind her, waiting to be told what to do. "She fainted from the blood." She said, dismissing them.

The whole time Bellamy sat there completely out of his head in fear for Clarke and their baby.

"Why am I on the floor?" Clarke asked them, not remembering sitting down to put on her shoes.

"You fainted." Harper calmly told her. "It's okay Bellamy."

The man in question looked up at her with wide eyes, not sure he could believe her. He felt Clarke shift as she looked over at him too.

"That was anything but okay." His voice cracked.

"Here let's get Clarke off the floor."

"The blood." Clarke suddenly remembered, looking down at the blood on her socks and the floor.

Harper had a firm hold on her left arm as she helped her up. "Take a deep breath, we don't want you passing out again."

"But the baby?" Clarke asks, hand on her stomach.

Harper shook her head. "It was just a little bleeding, just like the spotting from last month."

"That was not a little bleeding, that was something wrong." Bellamy snapped.

Harper looked at him then back at Clarke, she was the priority at the moment. "I didn't bleed this much last time.."

"Woah, Last time? This happened before?" Bellamy jumped in.

Clarke looked at him, sitting back down on the exam table. "It was just a little spotting. It's normal."

"Normal." He scoffed, sending another wide eye look to Harper, who nodded to confirm what Clarke said.

"A little bleeding like that isn't uncommon, and it isn't enough to alarm us. As for Clarke fainting like that, the swing of emotions today. Going from that happy to seeing the blood and scared for the baby. Any mother would have passed out."

Clarke muttered to herself, "What kind of perspective doctor faints at the sight of blood."

"So she's fine?" Harper nodded. "And the baby is fine?" She nodded again at Bellamy's questions.

"You have nothing to worry about. Though I would suggest taking it easy for the rest of the day, avoid another fainting spell."

Clarke groaned, "Ugg don't tell him that, he's going to chain me down to the bed."

"If I have to," Bellamy confirmed, not at all joking.

Clarke and Harper exchanged looks, "You should be happy he cares that much, I can't say the same for some of the other dads I see in here."

"I know." Clarke concedes, waving goodbye once again to her friend. Once the door was closed Clarke raised her open hand in Bellamy's direction."Give me my pants so we can get out of here."

Naw I wouldn't do that to you guys. Killing Miller off twice would just be too much :P Hope you liked the chapter, let me know what you though :)