PART 8

2330 Zulu

Dr. Elizabeth Sanchez's Office

Washington, D.C.

"This is your fault, Commander." Mac spat at him, as they walked into the elevators that led to Dr. Elizabeth Sanchez's office. They probably would have argued in the car, but both chose to drive themselves to the appointment.

Harm punched the floor number button angrily and turned to her, crossing his arms. "And how is that?"

"You are the jerk that decided to go off at me. Telling me I keep sticking my nose into things that aren't my business… Did you ever thing I was trying to help you?" She leaned against the opposite side of the elevator, holding to her cover for dear life.

"No. . .because ever since I came back to JAG you barely acknowledge my existence. . . you barely said hi when I walked in through the doors!" He moved to his side of the elevator and punched the button again to try and speed the machine up.

"Because I didn't know what to say! The last time we spoke before that you were clearly pissed off at me. . ." Mac was a second close to tossing her cover directly at his head, hoping to put some sense into Harm.

Harm stared at her for a moment and then spoke through gritted teeth. "You are just pissed off at me because I told you I wanted to take it slow."

"I think we've done slow for too damned long. . . In fact we've done standstill." She put her hands on her hips. "And what is taking this damned thing so long?"

"Which is why we need to take it slow. . we can't go from nothing to something. . . I now regret that we even slept together!" Once he said it, Harm wanted to take it back. If there were anything that he would never ever take back was that wonderful night with Mac. They'd surrendered to each other, it was his stupid dreams, visions, whatever they were that made him fear the relationship. Both had completely ignored the fact that the elevator had gotten to their floor and then was headed down again.

Mac looked down and then slowly looked up at him, hurt evident in her eyes. "And you know something, COMMANDER. . . if you didn't want to sleep with me you could have gone home. . . you could have left. . . you wanted it just as much as I did."

Again, he didn't know what possessed him or why lately all of their conversations came to who hurt who the most, but again he took a cheap shot at her. "Yea yea. . . right. . . a few words from a guy and you spread your legs for him . . ."

Mac crossed the elevator in a heartbeat and slapped him. "How dare you? . . ." She looked at him for a moment, the imprint of her hand visible on his face. "So that's what I am to you? Some kind of slut?"

Harm rubbed his cheek and pressed again for their floor. "Mac. . I'm sorr."

"Hold the apologies, I don't care about it. . ." She said sighing deeply, willing the tears to stay put. "If you were really sorry you wouldn't have said it. . . now let's get in there, finish this shit and get the hell out of here."

"Mac, wait" Harm said, walking after her once the elevator doors opened to their floor. He reached out to her and took her arm.

She spun around and shot him a look that would kill. "Let go of me, Commander. . . and as soon as the Admiral can figure out where to send me, the reining king of JAG won't have to share the top anymore… I am leaving."

It took Harm a few seconds for the thought to hit his brain. "And you say that I leave when things get too rough. Isn't this the second time Colonel?"

Mac stopped and looked directly into his eyes. "I can't continue to work there and see you every day. . .even though it would kill me. . . And I am going to degrade myself in telling you this now. . ." Mac took an shaky breath and came to the realization that she had been eluding him of. "I have feelings for you. . strong ones that I can't shake. . . Seeing you every day only adds to my agony. So, I would rather leave and start over somewhere else than to have to live day in day out with the torture of knowing that you don't want me."

"Mac. . ." Harm said and watched her walk into the office.

Moments later, Harm and Mac sat impatiently in Dr. Sanchez's office. "I'm sorry for the delay." A dark blond haired, green eyed woman said, walking into the office and offering them a handshake. "I am Dr. Sanchez." She ignored the fact that Harm still had a faint mark of someone's handprint on his cheek.

Instantly, Harm gave her the once over and flashed the flyboy grin of his. Mac rolled her eyes at this and let out an annoyed sigh. "I'm sorry, Dr. Sanchez, Mr. Rosel is still here could you please come and speak to him?" Dr. Sanchez's assistant said.

"On my way." Dr. Sanchez said into the speaker. "Excuse me for a moment." Politely, she left the room, leaving the two officers to stew a bit longer. Harm's gaze was on her as she went. He settled more comfortably in the chair figuring that this new situation should be easy.

Mac shook her head. "You know, I really do not mind you ogling other women. . . but before you start undressing her with your eyes, you might want to check that she is married."

Harm put his hand over his chest feigning innocence. "Mac. . . I. . ."

"She is right, Commander." Dr. Sanchez said, walking back into the room. "Though you do have a nice smile, it doesn't get you everywhere. . . I am also very married to a very good looking Marine."

Mac couldn't help but smirk when Harm's eyes widened. Looking over at him, she saw his ego chip away just a bit. "Now. . . Let's see here." Dr. Sanchez took a look at a folder and then looked up at them. "An Admiral made this appointment. I am assuming that he is someone's father?"

"No." They both answered in unison.

"Uncle?"

Mac shook her head and Harm offered an answer. "No, he is our commanding officer."

Sanchez rose an eyebrow. "I see, you two are working partners." At their simultaneous nod, she continued. "So I don't see why you are in couples therapy unless the Navy and Marine corps are doing something to make the two get along."

"Well, the Admiral thought it would help stop us from disrupting the office." Mac said with a half smile.

"So what seems to be the problem?" Sanchez asked, leaning back into her chair.

Harm sat at the edge of his. "There is no problem."

"Ah, yes there is." Mac said looking over at him.

Harm looked over at her. "No there isn't."

"Yes, there is a problem." Mac said, her voice changing into her Marine drill instructor voice.

"There isn't a problem." And that is when the argument began.

"You don't call us two arguing in the office a problem? Let alone the elevator ride up here." She yelled at him, standing up to try and gain some sort of advantage.

Harm too stood. "No! You are making it into a problem when it isn't. . . I already told you that."

A whistle brought the two of them back to the real world. Dr. Sanchez moved around her desk and stood between the two officers. "Okay. . . I see I have my work cut out for me. . ." Sighing, she took a stick from her desk. "This is the talking stick. . . you can only speak if you are holding it. . . who ever isn't holding it will be listening. . . Now come with me." She led them two a seating area with a sofa and a comfortable arm chair. "Colonel, Commander, take at seat on the sofa." When they did, she watched their body language and how Harm tried to sit close to Mac, but she just sat at the other end, as far away from him as possible. Sighing, she shook her head, never quite understanding how people could get to this point. "Now, Commander since you are the one that thinks there is no problem, I want you to start."

Harm took the stick that she handed to him and looked at it, then over at Mac who was avoiding his gaze. "I don't know where to start."

Dr. Sanchez nodded and made herself comfortable. "That is where I come in. . . I'll ask questions, you answer them, truthfully."

"I think I can do that." Harm said, smiling at her.

"When did you first meet the Colonel?" She asked, taking a pad and pencil to write down any important points.

"Eight years ago. . . in a rose garden." He smiled wistfully, allowing his memory to take him back to that very moment.

Dr. Sanchez wrote that down and continued her questions. "What did you think of the Colonel?"

"Back then she was a Major. . . I . . was taken by surprise." Harm said, staring off at nothing at all.

"Why is that?"

"She was . . . she had this. . this uncanny resemblance to a girl I knew that had died just some months before the Major and I met." He said, looking over at Mac who seemed to be ignoring the whole conversation.

Dr. Sanchez noted the sudden coldness between the two at the mention of another woman and decided to press the subject. "Tell me about that girl."

"Her name was Diane Schonke. She was a Lieutenant in the Navy. . . We met in the Academy and pretty much hit it off right away." Stopping for a moment, he realized that was similar to him and Mac. Despite their first case together, they had become friends very quickly.

"Go on." Dr. Sanchez urged.

"At first we were on the same tour. . . on the same aircraft carrier so things were great. We would sneak away together to some of the more private parts of the ship when we could." Sighing, he remembered the nights he'd taken her to the weather deck and the hundreds of kisses that they had shared there. He remembered the times when they were seeing the world, arriving at distant ports. The night that he'd made love to her on the beaches of Greece. "And then. . . then I had a ramp strike. . ." At Dr. Sanchez's raise eyebrow, he decided to explain better. "I crashed my plane onto the back of the air craft carrier. . . killed my RIO and I became a bit of a recluse for a while as I recovered. . . I didn't see Diane during that time."

"When did you see her next?" Dr. Sanchez asked.

Harm shrugged and took a deep breath. "Whenever I could. . . I had decided to go into law and during that time we didn't see much of each other. Only when she was on leave or on liberty." He made a face. "Basically we didn't' see each other enough. . . We started seeing other people. . . she was angry with me for having the love of flying that I did. . . she didn't understand." Another similarity with Mac, he thought. As much as Mac denied her being worried about him, he knew that she feared him flying. "The day that she was murdered, I was preparing for her to return. . . I was tired of dating other women, and I wanted to settle down, have a family." Shaking his head, he willed the tears not to spill. In fact, he was praying that they wouldn't. "She died and there was nothing I could do about it."

"How does all this tie up to the Colonel?" Dr. Sanchez asked, looking over at Mac who had finally seemed to come into the conversation.

Harm sighed. "Sometimes I resented her. . . I'd like to think that I didn't but I did. . . Other times. . she was very easy to talk to, I would ramble things off because it was always easy for me to speak to Diane. . . I bet Mac probably thought I was taking advantage of her or something."

Harm smiled. "I was flashing her a big grin and she just shot me down. . . I really wasn't trying anything sneaky. . . But, a woman that looks like Mac. . . I am sure she has to protect herself. I know a lot of other guys must have tried anything to get together with her."

"But, not you." Dr. Sanchez pointed a pen towards his direction.

Harm shook his head. "Not at that time, no."

"And other times?"

He sighed and weaved his fingers together, seemingly trying to find something to do. "We've always had bad timing."

"So back to Diane. Are you over her?"

Harm sat quietly for a moment and nodded. "Nearly a year after I met Mac, I was over her."

"What happened?"

"I kissed Mac for the first time. . . In a way I was kissing Diane goodbye, putting those ghost to rest." He said, smiling.

Dr. Sanchez nodded and jot down a few points. "And how was your relationship with Mac?"

"Great. . . I mean, we'd been best friends I think since we met and we knew we could trust each other. . ." He said, looking over at Mac who finally met his gaze offering him a half smile.

"Something happened though, else you wouldn't be here." Dr. Sanchez said, seemingly amused with the two before her.

Harm nodded. "Something's I'd rather not talk about."

"Something's we need to know before we figure out what is going on." She said, looking directly at Harm and then over to Mac. She was greeted with a silence so thick that she figured it would swallow them whole.

Harm took a breath in and held it, looking up to Mac for a moment and then back down. "I have. . .intimate feelings towards the Colonel."

Mac's head turned and she looked at him. It wasn't the admission of love that she wanted, but it was close enough.

Dr. Sanchez smiled at his revelation and remembered his words from earlier. "Never the right time, though? Did anything in particular make things between you two worse?"

Harm nodded. "Her getting engaged to someone else when I. . ." Taking a ragged breath, he almost spoke in-audibly. "Well. . . I didn't make a move. . ."

"But you wanted to?" It was more of a statement than a question

"Yes." He admitted, feeling foolish for not stepping up to bat with Mac.

Dr. Sanchez let him stew for a few moments and then asked. "And why didn't you?"

"I was afraid." He said softly, embarrassed at having to admit that to anyone.

"Of."

"Many things. . ."

"Tell me about these things." Sighing, Dr. Sanchez realized that speaking to Harm was like pulling teeth.

"Well at first, I was afraid it would destroy a working relationship. . . I was afraid it was just a one night stand and honestly, I don't want that with her. . . I'd rather never get to touch her again than to do something like that. . ." He said truthfully.

"From the looks of it Colonel, you are not married." Dr. Sanchez said and caught Mac look down at her fingers and back up at her, shaking her head 'no.'

Harm shook his head and held his breath for a moment. "During her engagement, I was afraid to destroy her happiness. . . she seemed happier with him than she ever would have been with me. . .I couldn't be selfish and take that away from her. . . and yet I took it away from her."

"How did you do that, Commander?" Dr. Sanchez brought the pen up to her mouth and began to bite the tip. This session was going to be a long one.

"She never got married because of me. . . I was heading home and my F-14 went down the night before the wedding. . . it was called off and they broke up." He remembered that night too clearly. The ocean filling his lungs, the helo not finding him, the moments he had damned his very existence to get to a wedding that wasn't even his own.

"Why do you think that was?" She was pushing buttons that she was sure no one else would push on the big bad Commander.

"Because she and I couldn't get over whatever is between us. . . and her fiancé could see it. . . So could my girlfriend at the time." Harm remembered the night that Mic left. It was one of the many times that things between he and Mac came to a screeching halt.

"How long ago was this?"

"Two years. . no more. . .I don't remember. . . feels like forever." He said, glancing over at Mac who was doing her best not to meet his gaze.

Dr. Sanchez looked at their interaction. She figured Harm to be one of the typical males who couldn't let go. Mac was the female with a broken heart that would not allow for him to break it any further. "Did you do anything about It then?" One of the main things she was needing to know was whether or not the two had become lovers. Though it would have been easier to ask them about that, Dr. Sanchez always liked to get the full picture.

"We needed to work on getting our friendship back again. . . and we were there. . . and then she was sent away and things got jumbled again. . . she .. she hurt me badly, took my ego with her as well." Harm sighed and then continued. "I saved her life and she told me that a relationship between us two would never work. . . I took that to heart and decided she meant our friendship as well. . . we didn't talk for several months. . . and now things are screwed up again."

"What are you afraid of?" Dr. Sanchez was now completely certain that he was madly in love with Mac. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that he was very passionate about their relationship.

"Everyone I ever loved deeply has been severed from my life. . . My father went down in Vietnam, my mother married another and though we do get along, it's not the same. . . Diane died, Jym died, Jordan Died. . . Renée married a mortician. Mac almost died." Harm shook his head and didn't hide the single tear that came out of his eye.

This was too much for Mac who had her head down low, pinching the bridge of her nose as she tried to hold back the sobs that claimed her. She never really saw just how badly he had been hurting over things.

Dr. Sanchez saw their shared pain and in order to make things easier on the two, decided to give them both a break.

"Colonel." He said softly, handing a box of Puffs over to them. "We'll take a few minutes and start on you."

Mac couldn't say much, she simply nodded and left the room, walking to the bathroom to compose herself.

Harm sat there, thinking about all of the things that he'd said and tying them into the nightmares he'd been having. All of those that he loved died and now he was daring to love Mac. Even in their past lives, one of them was taken away from the other. They were doomed.