Nakietra

I keep hearing His voice. Sometimes it sounds like his voice when he was a kid, other's it His real voice, the one that haunts my nightmares. I can barely sleep with them, not that I could tell when I was awake and when I wasn't. Zuo doesn't give me the sleeping medicine anymore because I asked him not to. He also gave me a shirt of his to wear. It was green and fit me better than any shirt anyone's ever loaned me. I sat up in my bed and waited.

I can't keep Him a secret from them anymore. Not after they got hurt as badly as they did for trying to help me. I need to give them the choice to walk away from me right now. I can't keep lying to myself that they will stand by me against him…not after I tell them why we are being attacked in every world. I suspected it at first. I saw the swords and clothes. I heard the speech and the accents enough as well. I just didn't want to believe that He was looking for me in other worlds. I didn't want to believe that he had the means to get out.

I want them to leave me though. I don't want to watch them get hurt on my stead or…die. I wouldn't be able to handle that. I curl up my knees to my chest and bring my hands up to cover my face. I will suffer if it means they will all live. They don't deserve the things I've forced on them.

I stop as I hear them coming down the hall. Zuo and Xion don't make sounds when they move so it must be my group. I burry my face into my knees and curl my hands up against my chest. I remember one of my most recent nightmares. He had Kurogane's severed head in one hand and Syaoran's dead body under his foot. He held up the hammer in his other hand and blasted Sakura apart just like Hiro was. I don't want that to happen to any of them.

I peek up to see them. Sakura comes in first. I close my eyes as she stops in shock. I'm a mess, I know. I must look like a crazy woman though, huddled up like I am. A scared animal even. My throat pulses with pain. Is this what I've come to after everything? Being looked at like someone might look at a wounded wolf?

I open my eyes and watch Xion nudges her forward. He helps her sit on a pillow at the far right corner of my bed. I should have told him not to bring her here. I close my eyes for a moment. Whatever I say will destroy her the most.

Zuo came in next supporting Syaoran. His shirt is gone and his ribs are wrapped. His face is pale, but he looks better than I imagined. He locks eyes with me and his face scrunches up in sadness. I clench my teeth. Zuo puts him against the far wall to the right of the window. I feel the heat from the sunlight hitting my covers. I curl my toes back against me to get them away from the warmth. I don't want to be warm now.

Fai came in then with Kurogane. He's was limping and I can see the bandages around his leg. I close my eyes and nudge them down. Can I do this to him? Can I destroy this man by telling him all my lies? I should have told them to run, to leave me in that world with His. This would all be simpler then.

I bring my face up and look at them all. Kurogane is propped up next to Syaoran and Fai is seated across from Sakura. He's smiling. I dig my nails into my hand. I don't like how silent they are. They haven't said anything. Are they mad at me? I knew that man, they must know that. Zuo leaves and firmly shuts the door behind his aunt. I don't know what to say.

"How do you feel, Nakietra?" Fai asked in a light tone after a while. I stare at him and turn my eyes down. When has he ever called me by my real name? There's somewhere inside him that's mad at me. I feel blood under my thumb. Of course he is. My secrets almost killed his family. I peeked through my fingers.

"I'm sorry," I respond even though everything hurt on me. I don't even know how long I can sit up for before my mind collapses from exhaustion and the memories. "I…I'm so sorry. I should have told you…about…The Prince," I start as my breaths start to turn shaky. My lungs are contracting too much because of the medicine.

"He's someone from your past, isn't he?" Syaoran asks kindly. I nod my head "yes". I try to breath. I can see him in my head. I remember him as a boy, always stained with the blood of animals. I remember him now with his body stained with the blood of my brother and his father.

"Yes," My voice is like a whisper, "He's from…my home." Home is just one big wound. Now that everyone happy is gone, there's only those who call for blood left and none of them know how to act.

I think of my death. My body won't be burred in any sacred pit. No one will mourn or celebrate me during The Dead Days. There won't be any ancient songs for my name. My soul will wander aimlessly. I won't find the City of Wind. There will be no stone coffin for my possessions next to my brother's. I shut my eyes as tears come forward. I will never see my family again, none of them.

"He's a prince you said, for your homeland?" Fai asks for clarification. The smile is gone from his voice. It's dark and serious now. Fai is never serious.

"He's king now," I say bitterly and then bite my palm. The pain isn't enough to block out the memories. I remember the King, lying on the ground in his own blood. His face was shocked as it stared at nothing. I remember Hiro's body being thrown aside like trash, and then I remember backing away into the secret passageway when he heard me gasp. My heart is beating too fast.

"Why was he after you?" Kurogane asks softly. I look at him and take my hand away to dig my nails in more. He's watching me. His jaw tightens. I feel my face scrunch up and I hide away into my knees. He's mad at me.

"I…I got away… the only one…who got away," I gasp and dig into my wrists. It's more sensitive. I can't calm down. Everything hurts but not as much as my heart or the memories.

"Maybe you should start at the beginning," Fai says. It's not a suggestion. His voice is hard. I can't bring my face up to face them. My breathing to coming too fast now.

"He…no…" I try to start but then stop. The beginning is long before Hiro's death. It started with the lightening hammer. No…it started with the tiger colored cat that lived in the garden.

"You aren't going to tell us?" Fai asks.

"…it started a long time ago," I start and look up. I don't open my eyes. I don't want to repeat myself. "My home…" I don't know how to start the story. I won't talk about the cat. I'll just talk about the hammer. That's the only important thing here.

"There was…a magician…he had no magic…our king….made him an advisor…..we didn't like him. He found the hammer, and he took over…Our people saved the King…we were sent to Marina…" I pause and took a few deep breaths.

"We saved out home…but…The Prince…he found the hammer. I…no, we were in the courtyard when the King summoned him away…I watched the meeting from behind a curtain…I saw the King dead…I watched The Prince…kill…him…he killed…Hiro," I say with my back hiccupping. I can't stop seeing Hiro dead. No one tried to comfort me. I brushed my eyes on my knees to wipe the tears away. It's better this way if they don't touch me, and if I don't look at them. I continue.

"He killed everyone…I was…someone sent me…to the witch again for help…I didn't…I didn't think he'd come after me…I knew he was though…he's the one…who's been attacking us…I knew it….I never told anyone," I continue. I can't get my breathing under control at all. My hands feel numb. I dig my fingers deeper into my arm. I feel the blood against my shirt.

"You should have warned us," Kurogane says. I glance to him and then look away. He's looking at the ground and his face is colder than I've ever seen it. He's blaming me…I deserve it. I deserve it all. I was meant to be alone, to be the outsider. I let out a sob. I'm all alone….

I want my brother, I keep remembering all the things he used to tell me when I was pushed away by the village. He would tell me not to worry when I knew I should. He always care of it and would kiss me on the head and tell me to sleep…I want to be home with him. I bring my fingers up to my head. I feel like screaming for him. I dig my nails into my head. I wish everything was not on me! I wish I wasn't alone! Why do I always have to be alone?!

"Who is Marina?" Fai asks, "You never told us." I can't answer. I can only remember her as the woman who made my brother kiss the ground, who made him beg because she just laughed in our faces when we asked for help. She treated us like rats, like nothing to her. I claw down my head. I remember my necklace, the one Hiro bought me when I was little. The Dimensional Witch took that from me. I hate her too. She's just as bad as Marina. I feel someone's arms wrap around me. I tighten up.

NO! I DON'T WANT THEIR PITY! I NEED THEM TO GET AWAY FROM ME! I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH PITY!

I take my hands away from my head and push the person away from me. "Don't," I mutter as the person uncurls their arms from my shoulders, "touch me." They tumble back on the floor. Nothing is easy in life, I should know that by now.

"Sakura!" Syaoran exclaims. There's hair wrapped around my fingers now. My nails are slick with blood. They aren't working anymore.

"Nakietra!" Fai exclaims and steps over my bed. They don't care, but I already knew that. They were just tolerating me. I don't respond to anything they say.

"Why did you do that?" He asks almost shocked. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. "You could have hurt her." Go away. GO. GO. GO. GO. GO. GO. I JUST WANT THEM ALL TO GO AWAY! I DON'T WANT THEIR PITY! I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM THEM!

The door opens. "What's going on here?" Xion asks roughly. She rips my hands away from my arms and holds them far back. I try to pull them away from her but she hold me steady. "Zuo!" She says sharply. I hear people move out and I hear Zuo talking.

"Can I stay?" I hear Kurogane say. She doesn't answer. I don't want him here. I want to be alone. She presses her fingers to my bleeding wrist.

"You have done even more damage to yourself now," She says in a disappointed voice. "Zuo, I will need bandages." No one says anything. She presses a finger to my other wrist.

"She needs to calm down. Her pulse is too fast," She says and gently gave me back my other arm. I just let it fall. Everything hurts too much. "You need to let her rest. I won't move you if you leave her alone," She states.

"I will," Kurogane responds quietly. I feel her wrapping bandage around my bleeding wrists. She doesn't bother to wash the blood away. She drops my arm and looks through my hair. Someone inhales sharply at the sight. It's not Xion or Zuo.

"I won't bandage you're head, but you can't hurt yourself again like this," She says to me I don't respond. She shifts me down and lets me lie down. I curl into a ball on my side and hide my head. She leaves and closes the door.

"It's just me," He mutters and takes one of my hands. I rip my hand away from him. His touch hurt me just as much as this bed. My muscles are sensitive. He doesn't try to touch me again.

"That man, the prince, he killed your brother and your king," He states. I nod my head in confirmation. Where is he going with this? "And this man has been searching for you and that's why we've been attacked in other worlds," He asks. I nod my head again. I feel my breathing getting uncontrollable again. I am to blame for all of it. I already knew this though. "We'll get him for it then," He says and kisses my forehead. I shake my head.

"I lied to you," I say. I look up and watch him nod his head.

"You did it to protect yourself," He responds. I still stare up at him. I remember his cold face and see that it's not angry. The anger is not at me right now, but before it must have been.

"I don't need your pity," I say. He takes my hand.

"This isn't pity…I don't like seeing you scared, and I don't like this man who killed your brother and has given you nightmares ever since you came to us…I need to help you, we need to help you defeat him and save your home," He says.

"You don't have to. You can leave me. You can save yourselves," I whisper. My nightmares came back of him bleeding on the ground with the prince cutting him apart limb by limb while he screams for me to help him and then he's dead when I get there.

"I do," He responds, "because I love you." My heart stops. When was the last time someone said that to me? I can't remember. Even Hiro stopped telling me after a while. I clutch at his hand with both of mine. He wasn't going to leave me…I don't know whether to be happy or scared. I'm both though.

"Why do you take that medicine?" He asks then. My body stops and my hands loosen themselves. He's never asked me why, he always just assumed. I take a deep breath. I need to give him a choice. I need to let him walk away if he wants to.

"I'm dying from a disease that destroys my lungs," I say.

"There's no cure?" He asks. He's not surprised. I close my eyes. He already knows. He knew I was keeping things from him when he asked to stay.

"No," I whisper. He doesn't say anything. He'll leave me eventually…they all do.

"Why does he waste so much time on you? Everyone knows you're going to die, so just do it already."

Everyone abandons me eventually. I remember Him saying that to me while he held the dead garden cat in one hand. There was a knife in his hand with dried blood flaking off it. That was before my father died.

"I don't understand you. You act like you have a future, Hiro acts like you have a future. You don't. You were born to die, so just leave him alone already and let him move on with our life."

Ira said that to me after the wedding. Hiro should have left me…he wouldn't be dead. He would be with Ira, having a chance at a real family instead of just me.

"It doesn't matter if you're sick," He finally says. I let out a long rugged breath. "I will love you until your death then if you'll let me," He finishes. I relax. Everything hurts too much.

"Do you know how long you have left?" he asks.

"No…how did you find out?" I mutter. I'm close to passing out from exhaustion.

"Xion told us…and I suspect it from what the doctor said when he talked to be about Dawn," He answers. I nod my head and fall asleep.