Yes. Yes, I Do
(August 31, 2017)
5: Honeymoon Highway
Really, the party and the banquet didn't take all that long. Wendy and Dipper came downstairs, went out front, and Wendy tossed the bouquet, as Mabel had directed, over her left shoulder and with a bit of altitude, aiming for an imaginary spot ten feet away from her.
And the play is on! Pacifica Northwest, attired in lake-foam green, is off to a quick start! At the seven weddings she's attended, Pacifica is a 2 for seven receiver. She looks in great form, but wait! Mabel Pines has moved in with a diagonal run and stiff-arms Pacifica. Candy Chiu has dropped to all fours, and Mabel steps onto her back and launches herself at an angle, but she may be too late to intercept! She and Candy are quite a team, right, Chuck?
Well, that's correct, W.E. At the Grendinator/von Fundhauser nuptials, Candy and Mabel pulled off a perfect crash-and-dash maneuver for a spectacular catch.
Hate to interrupt, Chuck, but did you see that? Mabel Pines just executed an incredible mid-air cartwheel, catching that bouquet when she was completely upside-down! The crowd is going wild! Nobody's ever seen a bouquet catch like this!
No, W.E., that was spectacular. I'd say it was the most unusual bouquet catch since the wedding season of 1973, when Toodie Burkminer of Mobile, Alabama, did a sky dive from a helicopter and made a similar mid-air acquisition! Of course—and now Mabel's doing her victory dance—and she spikes the bouquet!—of course, after Toodie caught her bouquet, as you know, the death toll was appalling.
True, Chuck. True. She should have used a parachute.
In reality, there was no commentator and color man, but if there had been, they would have sounded a lot like that. And then everyone gave them congratulations, and—Dipper and Wendy definitely had not planned this—wedding gifts, a ton of them, plus birthday presents. They completely filled the trunk and the backseat of the Green Machine. And food, so much food!
The party was a huge success. Stanley had an audience for some card tricks (he won about forty bucks) and some sleight of hand (although he returned the wallets, cash intact, with little lectures about how to foil most pickpockets, except for one, maybe. Shyly, Billy Sheaffer gave them a present inexpertly wrapped and asked them not to open it until they got to their house.
Wendy and Mabel hugged him and told him to try to come back to Gravity Falls at Thanksgiving—his family was welcome—or if not that, for part of the Christmas holidays.
Then Billy and Alex and Wanda had to leave for the long, long drive back to Piedmont. Mr. and Mrs. Pines hugged the new Mr. and Mrs. Pines, made them promise to call if they needed anything at all, and finally, reluctantly, drove away. Grunkle Ford and Grunkle Stan kissed the bride, as did a few other guys. Even Ronnie Nabel, who once had been confined to Pool Jail when Wendy was lifeguarding, gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Soos looked as if he was the father of the bride, walking around with his chest out and a smile so big you might have thought it met itself on the back of his neck. Manly Dan celebrated in his own way, taking on all comers at arm-wrestling and winning every bout.
When they could manage it, Dipper and Wendy said quiet goodbyes to Grunkles and Graunties and got ready to slip away. They wore the same clothes they had been married in, but Dipper had put on his pine-tree cap and Wendy her trapper's hat. Once they were out of sight, though, over on the Museum side of the Shack, out of sight of the crowd, Wendy threw herself into Dipper's arms for a passionate kiss, and both their hats flew off.
"Wow!" Dipper said.
Wendy retrieved both hats, but she clapped Dipper's cap on her own head and handed him her ushanka. "Trade you back tomorrow morning when we get up and get dressed," he said.
"If we do," she said.
They opened the doors of the Dodge Dart—Wendy was taking the first driving shift—and Mabel popped up. "Surprise!"
"You're not going," Dipper said.
She climbed out, giggling. "No, I'm not! But I wanted to tell you, I put a basket in the back seat. You guys probably won't want to unpack all the gifts and stuff until tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening, or whenever wink-wink, but the basket's got enough food to last you for dinner tonight and probably at least lunch tomorrow. There's a little food in one of those cooler packs, so be sure to refrigerate that" She hugged Wendy. "It was a beautiful wedding, Wendy! Thanks for letting me be bridesmaid!" And then she hugged Dipper. "Brobro, don't worry about a thing. For the next four days, promise me you'll just be happy. That's your assignment."
"That's a promise. Mabel—thanks for—for—" he hugged her and then finished: "For being you, Mabel!"
"Aw! Don't let go yet, Brobro. One thing left."
Pat. Pat.
And then, at last, they were on the road. They stopped at the bottom of the driveway to untie and remove two strings of empty cans and old shoes from the bumper. They left the decorations piled neatly near the mailbox so Soos could dispose of them, but they left the soaped "JUST MARRIED" sign on the rear window.
To their surprise, Deputy Durland stood at the first traffic light and stopped traffic—one pickup truck and one old VW Beetle—to let them cross against the light. At the second and last traffic light they had to pass, Sheriff Blubs gave them a siren-blaring escort up to the gateway out of the Valley. Then, attempting a U-turn, he got the patrol car stuck in a ditch, but he often did that and took it in stride, waving them on their way.
They made the turn south on the highway and Dipper said, "I love you, Mrs. Wendy Corduroy-Pines."
"Back at you, Mr. Dipper Pines. Wait, we never talked about hyphenating. You really want to do that?"
"Whatever you want," Dipper said. "I think it would be cool. But even if you'd rather not, I wish you'd use your last name whenever. Like at college. Because you're always gonna be a flippin' Corduroy!"
"Sweet thought. I'll consider it."
Startled three or four times by cars behind them that honked—but they figured out, the drivers were honking at the just-married sign, not at their driving—Wendy and Dipper traded driving responsibilities once, halfway there. Dipper was at the wheel when they crossed the state line into California and were only forty-odd miles from their new home.
And when they came in sight of the house—Aww. Again. A big banner hung over the front door: CONGRATULATIONS WENDY AND DIPPER, JUST MARRIED. And pink and blue helium balloons, a big bunch of them, decorated the mailbox. Impressive, but since their house was the last one before the road went into a forest preserve, the only one likely to see the display was the mailman, or perhaps a fisherman or two on the way to the lake at the northern end of the road.
They pulled into the garage, and Dipper parked beside his own car. Wendy took the picnic basket—true to Mabel's promise, it was a heavy one—and they went around to the front door. You don't start a honeymoon by ducking in the side.
Dipper unlocked the front door, Wendy set the basket down temporarily, and then—laughing, she picked him up. "Hey!" he said. "This isn't traditional!"
"Neither are we!" she said, and she carried him across the threshold. She set him down and said, "Quick, turn off the security system and I'll get the basket inside."
He did, noting that someone—Mabel and Stan, surely—had been there before them. Vases of roses and daisies stood everywhere, and on the mantel a decorative Southwestern-motif bowl held overflowing strands of honeysuckle. The whole room smelled sweet. Wendy quickly went through the basket and opened the fridge to store a couple of veggie plates that had been in the cooling pack. "Dipper! Come and look!" she said.
Mabel and Stan had stocked the fridge. Milk, cream butter, eggs, bacon—all the normal refrigerator stuff. And a couple of big, thick steaks with a Post-It note: BETTER GRILL THESE TOMORROW!
And the cabinets held stores of canned goods—including two cans of BROWN MEAT, just in case of a localized apocalypse, Dipper supposed. They were set. They wouldn't even have to go shopping.
"Did you notice the trail?" Dipper asked Wendy.
Rose petals. The line led to the sliding glass door.
"Hey, look!" Wendy said. On one side, the bottom half of the glass had been removed and a steel plate had replaced it—one with a doggy door, though the latches looked heavy enough to keep out a bear. And on the deck, the pink petals led to the hot tub, which had been turned on.
Dipper lifted the insulated cover. "Smells like chlorine."
"Leave the cover off so it'll clear up. We'll try it out later. Right now—"
Their bedroom door had been locked, but the house key worked on it. "Huh," Dipper said. "Bottle of champagne beside the bed—in some kind of cooling thingy."
"A McGucket fridge-a-ma-jig, bet you anything!" Wendy said.
"And the bed's been turned down," Dipper said. "And the pillows and sheets sprinkled with more rose petals. Um—peppermints on the pillows, too."
"Mm, sounds like an invitation to me," Wendy said. "Your turn, Dip! Carry your bride over the bedroom threshold!"
"Can't wait," he said.
"Just one little second. Seriously, I don't want you to hurt your back, man. You're gonna need it. Let me lighten up your load."
So, OK, a pine-tree cap, boots and socks, jeans, shirt, undershirt, panties and bra might not weigh very much. But every little bit helps.
Dipper scooped up his beautiful, long-legged bride, carried her into the bedroom, and with a foot quietly closed the door behind him.
Let's not open it.
Let's just leave them together and as happy as they could ever hope to be.
Congratulations, you two.
Sh.
We'll check in with you a little later, OK?
Shhh!
OK.
The End