I know that I have been pretty absent lately and for that I am sorry. To say things have been crazy would be an understatement. This isn't related to anything that I have already published but it was something that I couldn't get out of my head. I have found that the best way for me to process what I'm feeling is to write and this is what came from it. I hope you can understand where I was mentally when I wrote this.
Amanda sighed and let her head fall into her hands. The squad room was empty at this time of night. Her only companion was Olivia in her office. This had been the pattern for the past week or so. Amanda would stay at her desk after everyone was gone and her wife would remain in her office, there but not pushing, until Amanda decided it was time to leave. The ritual was starting to grate on the older woman, but she knew that Amanda had things to sort out in her head.
It had started a while ago. Things had been crazy the past few years with her family and the one constant that she had had in her life was her wife, Alex, and Amaro. The three of them had stayed by her side, being a shoulder to cry on, and her sounding board for all the times she doubted herself. Now though...things were different. It felt like everyone was gone and she was alone.
Amaro had left. With hardly any warning he just left. She had known that there were feelings, but he always swore that he would rather her be in his life as a friend then nothing else. And when he had gotten a girlfriend Amanda thought that everything was alright. He had even told her that this was the girl he wanted to marry. And then he texted her and told her he needed time to sort out his feelings. Then after two weeks of nothing, she had asked him what was going on and he told her that he had moved and couldn't keep contact with her anymore. It was a devastating blow. She and Amaro had been so close and now there was just a hole in her life where he used to be. It had taken her a few days to process everything, a few days of feeling a weight on her chest. She was finally starting to move on. The weight only returning when she would see something that reminded her of him; the movie that they used to watch together, the books they had talked about, she had even looked up vacation spots for her and Liv and had to stop because she realized they were a stone's throw away from where Amaro had moved too. But things were getting better every day.
And then Alex had left. Well, not left per se, but she was absent. Amanda had always, for all of the years they had been friends, texted her in the morning and throughout the day. Alex would go through bouts of melancholy so she always wanted to make sure that the older woman knew she wasn't alone in the world. No matter what was going on with her family Amanda always made the time. Which was something that was not reciprocated, if the recent weeks were any indication? This is where feelings became conflicted. Alex had a lot on her plate. She had her daughter, Kim Greyleck had just proposed, and...well that was all Amanda knew about. It felt like there was this thick knot of emotions in her chest. There was anger. She was angry. When Alex had stopped responding to her Amanda had decided to stop initiating contact and let Alex come to her when she had the time...that was weeks ago and there had been very little contact since then. She had texted a week or so ago when she was close to a panic attack, and she had felt terrible about it. The words Alex had told her running through her head.
I just don't have time…..I have a three-year-old
Her guilt only ramping up when Alex's response was simply "What?". When she told Alex what was happening it was like their relationship was still the way it used to be. Alex was here and talking with her. Helping distract her. And then she was gone...again. She had checked in that night but after a few texts, there was nothing. Since then Amanda had broken her rule and reached out, but didn't receive a reply for another few hours and even then after a few responses the contact went dead.
So there was anger. But there was also guilt. And fear. She was angry because she felt like she wasn't important to her anymore. Like their friendship was disposable to her. But then the guilt comes over. She knows the attorney has a lot on her plate. She knows that. And she understands. But there is a difference between busy and...just gone. And then the fear comes back. Amanda, especially after everything with her parents and sister, has felt a fear of being not just abandoned, but not being good enough to be kept around. Her mother thought she wasn't worth it, her sister thought she was at times, and two of the three people who always made her feel good enough were disappearing from her life. After a while, it has to be considered that the problem was Amanda herself. Maybe she was the problem just like her father had said. Maybe she was too much work. Maybe she wasn't worth it.
The brunt of these feelings usually came out as anger and resentment and the target always fell to the one person who had stuck around with her, Olivia. The one person who didn't deserve it. Olivia had come to her with her concerns; the anger, the meanness, the unwillingness to listen to her wife. To be honest, Amanda had been shocked. She hadn't even realized she was doing it. The more she tried to figure out what was happening the more apparent it became that the loss of her two best friends had affected her more than she had realized.
Which led to where she was now...sitting alone in bullpen listening to her wife scribble notes about their most recent case in her office.
Abruptly she stood from her desk and made her way to Olivia's office. The older woman looked up from her case file and smiled softly at her wife. Amanda returned her smile and walked behind the older woman, her hands moving to Olivia's tense shoulders and began to knead. Olivia's moan reverberated through her office and shook something loose in Amanda's chest. She leaned down to press a soft kiss to brown locks.
"I was thinking we could go to that deli that you like for dinner." She said softly. Olivia tilted her head back and looked at her wife, her eyes searching. After a few moments, she found the love and affection she had been looking for in the blonde's eyes for these past few weeks and smiled. Amanda was back with her.
That sounds great she said as she stood from her desk. Amanda waited for her to step away from her desk before she wrapped her arms around the taller woman and brought her into a tight embrace.
"I love you so much...thank you for staying with me." The blond said into Olivia's shoulder, her voice trembling with emotion. Olivia held her as tightly as possible.
"Always."