Chapter

Contending Monsters

After the funeral, Hoss went right back to bed. Spending day after day there recovering from his injuries. The older bruises fading, the more recent slowly spreading. He couldn't handle the idea of sleeping in the same bed his best friend had died in and Joe sure wasn't going to sleep alone. So they all shared Ben's bed. Ben's king sized bed was large and could handle the capacity but seemed comparably smaller accommodating his two son's. As days turned into weeks, Ben would soon realize that Hoss's physical injuries weren't the ones that kept him immobilized. The injuries that kept his son bed ridden were emotional ones. Every day when Ben and Joe would get up and dress for the day, Hoss would remain behind.

Ben even went as far as getting rid of the older beds and buying newer ones but it didn't help changing Hoss's mood. He sunk down into impotency. Depression. The beds had changed, but that was still the room.

Joe strived to return things to normal but at his brothers impotency he had struggled with this task. He tried everything he could think of to cheer Hoss up. Bringing his toys in to play with him. Bringing in the checkers set. Telling him jokes and funny stories both of which he make up on the spot. When none of that worked he begin to allow himself to believe that Hoss's mood was his fault. Hoss was still mad at him because of what he had said to him. When nothing else worked, he apologized, profusely.

"I'm sorry Hoss, for saying that I hate you. It wasn't true. I was just mad." When that didn't work, he slipped away and stopped coming back.

~.~

Two more weeks had passed with Hoss laid up and Little Joe keeping his distance. Little Joe missed his brother though. His absence had left a hole in him. When his pa was away and Hopsing distracted with other matters, Joe sauntered up the stairs and down the hallway which was never before, but now was dreary. The energy within these walls was gloomy. He slides opens the door to his pa's room. Without asking permission he crawls onto the bed. He sits there silently staring at his older brother. Though Hoss had grown to miss his little brother, he found Joe's scrutinizing gaze to be uncomfortably awkward.

"What, Joe?" Hoss finally asked, coming off as perturbed.

"Pa says, that if you want something bad enough, to ask God." Joe responded. "Do you think that's true Hoss?" Hoss slunk his head back into the pillow. At his brothers in-answers he continued. "When that man took you away, I prayed. I prayed so hard Hoss, for you to return. I prayed and I prayed. With all my might I prayed and then you came back. I was so happy when I saw you again. God had answered my prayers." Joe stopped a moment as he reflected. "I was wrong to be happy, wasn't I? You didn't really come home, did you? You're still there. You died there, didn't you?" Hoss looked up at his brother. Even every night when he'd crawl into bed with him and they'd all sleep together, Hoss wasn't really there. It was like lying with a corpse. "Oh Hoss." He wrapped his arms around his big brother. "I don't want you to be dead. I miss you, Hoss. I miss you so much. I wished you'd come back. Please come back." Hoss fought the tears but it was a losing battle as the tears flowed freely down his cheeks.

~.~

Ben came home after a day in town. The living quarters were empty. He heard rattling in the kitchen and imagined Little Joe was in there with Hopsing. Little Joe had stopped visiting Hoss during daytime hours. There had grown a rift between them. He thought he'd leave Hopsing and Joe alone for a bit. His first stop would be the boy upstairs. He had news for him. The room was dark. Just as he had expected, Hoss was alone. "Hey, Hoss. How are you feeling?" His silence was his answer. "I thought you should know that William's isn't the only one who has chosen to quit. Mrs. Harper is retiring as well. The school board is working on finding a replacement." Hoss rolled over. He wasn't sure how his son would take this news. He pretty much got what he expected. He had better news than this. "I got a letter from Adam." He showed it to his son, hoping this would cheer him. "Would you like me to read it?" Hoss remained with his back to his pa. Ben gave up the battle. "Perhaps another time." With a peck on his son's head he got up and went for the door.

"Joe told me I was dead." Hoss said as his hand met the door handle. Ben furrowed his brows and glanced back at his son. "He said that I died in that room. Do you think that's true?" Hoss continued before his pa could answer. "I think he might be right." Ben fought a tremor rise in his hands. "That's not very fair to him, is it?" The tears were in his son's eyes. "He said, he prayed for me to come back, but I really didn't. I don't want to be dead, Pa, but I just don't know how to live anymore."

"Oh, Son." Ben went back over and sat next to him, touching his arm.

"I was scared pa. When McCabe had me in that room. I was so scared of dying."

"I know son."

"Now, it seems like I'm afraid to live." The words haunted the pater.

"Hoss look at me. Please answer this question. Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself?"

"I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. It's all jumbled in my head." That wasn't a yes, but that wasn't a no. Perhaps his son hadn't worked it out to that point yet. "I don't think it's fair that Kyle died, even though he was mean to me. In his last moments, he wasn't the same boy he had been in school. You should have seen him pa. He was different. He defended me. Again and again he stood up for me. But he loved his pa. Like I love you. Only his pa wasn't like you. Nothing like you. Kyle died defending him. Even though his pa was mean to him, he loved him anyways. I don't think it's fair that he died. Maybe things could have been different. In a different time, a different world, maybe we could have been friends. Maybe I could have helped him. If I knew, I could have saved him. I could have told someone what was happening to him. Travis knew. He could have said something. How come he didn't tell anyone?"

"I'm not sure son. He could have been afraid of violating Kyle's trust. Maybe Travis thought he was doing Kyle a favor by keeping his secret."

"Why do you think Travis was mean to me? He comes from a good home. Good parents. Why did he turn out the way he did?"

"I think there might be some on this earth that are all good and others that are all bad. I think either of these are a lot fewer than we'd like to imagine. I think that most of us are both. Travis was terrible to you, admittedly. But he befriended Kyle because Kyle needed him too. Who knows, he might have seen something in Kyle that the rest of us missed. That he was struggling with something. Travis did what he could for Kyle. Inviting him to his home. Keeping him away from his pa as much as he could. The problem was in this, that as good as a friend as he tried to be, he wasn't strong enough to fight the anger that Kyle had within him. To remain friends with him he felt he had to join him. Instead of lifting Kyle out of the darkness he was in, Kyle ended up pulling Travis in."

"You think if Travis would have told someone what he knew, things would have been different for Kyle?" They both reflected. "If I told someone what was happening to me, it might have been found out. Maybe I could have saved Kyle."

"I think you've learned an important lesson. When you're struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help. But if you're trying to take on the burden of Kyle's death alone, that would be an unfair weight to carry. We all saw signs and turned away. Some even knew the truth and did nothing. If you see injustice happen and do nothing then you share in the guilt. But you can't go around taking the blame for things you didn't know was happening.

"You blame yourself for me, even though you didn't know." His son was right and that was a point he couldn't contend.

"I should have known. You're my son."

"But you didn't, so it's not your fault pa, it's mine." As he grasped for the right words his son admitted something that debilitated him.

"When my friends died, I wanted to die too." This was the answer to the question he sought just a moment prior. It panged the father to hear it though. "I just didn't think it fair that I live and these other boys are gone. Just by living, I betray them. I act like they didn't matter. Like their lives weren't important."

"I've lived and I had three great loves in my life. When they died, each time I felt like I wanted to give up. But it wasn't fair to them to do that. They invested something into this world that they were no longer here to tend to. I had to live, for them. For you."

"That's not the same thing though, is it Pa? None of those boy's got to live long enough to have children."

"But that didn't mean they didn't live long enough to put investments into this world. To put roots down in it."

"What do you mean?"

"Family. Friends. Home. Skills. Knowledge. You. What they taught you. What you learned. The good and the bad and who you became because of them. Don't you get it son? You living keeps them alive, in your stories, in your actions, in your words, in your deeds. You can keep their spirits alive. They live in you. Only when the last memory of them dies does the last tie of them to this earth die with them."

~.~

Hoss had spent the remainder of the day in bed, reflecting on the words of his pa and brother. That night was the same. Little words were exchanged, Joe disheartened that nothing had changed. If nothing else though, Joe had said his piece. If all his words ended up being was a goodbye than he had said what he needed to. He pulled Hoss's arm over him and tucked his body into Hoss, wanting to feel his warmth before he would inevitably never again get the chance. Hoss's tears soaked his pillow as he toiled with what he had done to his brother.

The next morning Ben had taken Joe away. Joe was going to help him tend some various ranch work. He did this for both their sakes. So Joe couldn't say anything more harmful to Hoss and to get Joe's mind on other matters. Hoss laid in bed an hour or more after his pa was gone. Something inside him told him enough was enough. He had become stagnant for too long. He had deteriorated to the point where he was barely able to care for his basic needs and functions. He felt dizzy as he sat upright. After a moment to correct himself, he slipped on his slippers and was out the door.

Ben was surprised to see his son on the couch when he came in with Joe for lunch. He had a cup of hot chocolate in hand and Hopsing was busying himself, stuffing pillows around the boy. The servant stood upright giving Ben a sly smile. Little Joe smiled brightly like he was discovering presents under a Christmas tree.

"Puhaps you like hot chocolate too." Hopsing said as more of a suggestion. "I make nuff hot chocolate for everyone."

"I think that's a grand idea." Ben agreed.

"Maybe Little Joe help bwing dem out." Hopsing took the ecstatic boy by the hand and led him into the confines of the kitchen.

"How are you doing son?"

"The room was starting to feel a bit stuffy."

"You feel like joining us for lunch?"

"I sure am hungry pa."

Ben smiled wanly. "It's good to have you up son."

~.~

Hoss was up and trying. He was no longer bed ridden but he still struggled with the images swimming in his head and all the events that had happened that fateful night. Everything that led up to it and everything that follow. He tried. God how he tried, for Joe, to be the boy he used to be. No matter how hard he reached for him though, that boy wouldn't come. There was just too much to contend with.

Little Joe, with renewed hope that his brother had come back to him, felt that if he just kept trying, his brother would recover fully. It would take time but they just had to keep working at it, as a family. Joe knew he had his part to play too. He was not so young that he escaped his role. Hoss was his best friend. His role was great. Like the mothers had done, Joe showered Hoss, with gifts and games and stories. Filling the air with his stories. Hoss's quietude didn't matter. He did enough talking for the both of them. Heck, he did enough talking for the whole family. God, how Hoss loved that boy.

~.~

"Adam!" Joe exclaimed in a shout as the buggy strolled into the yard. "Pa! It's Adam." He shouted again before running out and jumping into the arms of his eldest brother.

"Hey Little Joe." Adam greeted warmly. Ben who was upstairs came down at the commotion.

After giving Hoss a soft smile he went out to meet his boy. "I got something for you Joe." Adam says setting Joe back down as their pa comes out to join them.

"What is it?"

"Well Little Joe, a little birdie told me that you're riding horses now."

"What kind of bird?" Joe asked the queer question, stumping Adam. He looked up as if he was thinking.

"Um, a robin I think." He said recalling the bird he had read about in pa's letters. "A red little thing. He came to tell me all about the broken wing it once had and how you and Hoss saved it." Joe giggled emphatically.

"That's not true. It was Pa that told you wasn't it?" Joe queried calling Adam on his bluff.

"Um." Adam thought again. "Are you sure?"

"Come on." Joe giggled again.

"Alright, alright."

"So what'd you bring?"

"Well, I figured that since you got so good at riding horses that the next step would be to start taming them." Joe was puzzled. Adam reached into his bags and pulled from it a beautifully carved and painted wooden horse. Joe's eyes lit up with wonder. "I figured you could start with this one."

"Oh thank you Adam. Thank you." He hugged him heartily and scampered off to Hoss who was standing in the doorway. "Look Hoss, look what Adam gave me." Hoss gave Joe a soft smile and Joe brushes past him into the house. "Hopsing! Hopsing!" The voice faded as Joe went on the scrounge for the servant bringing smiles to the father and son who were left outside.

"How've you been son?"

"I'm good pa. How's Hoss?" He wasted no time getting to the heart of it. After all, this was why he was here. Wasn't it?

"He's better. He's up and moving about now." Adam could see that, as Hoss stared on from the door, bothersome that he hadn't come out to greet him.

"He's struggling still?"

"Truthfully I'm glad you came. I'm hoping your presence here will do him some good." Hoss stood in the doorway waiting for his brother to approach.

"Help me get into the house, will you?"

"Of course." Ben smiled pulling two of the three bags off the buggy. Adam taking the third.

"Hey Hoss." His bruises had faded to pastel yellows and greens. He took in his brothers injuries doing his best not to let the twisting in his stomach come through in his countenance. "How you doing?"

"Why'd you come back?" Hoss wasn't intending for that question to sound as inimical as it did. Off step for a hairs breadth Adam responded with vigor.

"What I'm not allowed to visit my only family?" He said opening his arms.

"I'm sorry." Hoss opened his to receive his big brother. "It's good to have you back."

"I got something for you too." Hoss stood over his brother as he kneels down to open the case he brought in. By far the longest of the three. He was humoring him now as he felt in no mood to entertain nor for surprises. Adam pulled out a thin pole. "It comes all the way from the east coast." What little amusement Hoss could feign faded at the sight of it. His features drooped as he recalled what happened to his last pole. Abandoned and forsaken with the acquisition of friendship. Adam caught Hoss's distress and glanced at his father hoping he hadn't screwed this up. So early. Hoss recomposed himself and offered his elder brother an appreciative smile.

"Thank you."

"What do you say we take this thing to the lake tomorrow and break it in?" Hoss knew what his elder brother was up too. He was in no mood to leave the house to go anywhere let alone the lake. Though, he didn't want to disappoint his brother who came all the way down here for him. He had to try. Just like he was trying for Joe. He had to try for Adam.

~.~

They set out just after breakfast. The three of them quiet near the whole way as they took in the beauty of the morning. As they neared Hoss's favorite fishing spot, Hoss stopped his horse. He just stopped and stared on ahead. Adam backed up to join him. "This was the spot I met them." He seemed almost fearful to approach. Adam glanced back at Little Joe whom he really wished wasn't there at the moment. He really wanted this time alone with Hoss but knew how unfair it would be to Joe to leave him behind. After seeing his brother come home from so long away, how crushed he would feel at being left out.

"I know. Pa told me." Adam said humbly. Little Joe seeing Hoss's repose knowing his older brother was here to fix things, let Adam work. Hoss wondered, if he knew, then why Adam would bring him here of all places. "Come on Hoss. Let's go in. I'll go with you." Adam gently locked arm in arm and led Hoss, horse and all in. Joe followed behind his brothers.

Joe was at peace again as he splashed around in the water having both brother's back together again, though he knew it would be short-lived he would enjoy it as long as the Good Lord allowed him to. Hoss and Adam sat on the shore pole in hand. The whole scene taking on a familiarity to the last time Adam was home. The wise words he tried to impart. Get out more, make some friends. Well I made some friends Adam. How about that? Hoss pushed the sour thoughts away.

"Why'd you come back? Really?" Hoss started. Adam glanced at him through the corner of his eye then took in a deep breath with pursed lips. At the risk of Joe overhearing it was time for him to be completely honest. He was going to do what he came out here to do.

"For you Hoss. I came back for you. Pa told me what had happened to you." He figured as much. "I had to say something to you that just wouldn't come out right if I said them in a letter. I needed you to hear the tone of my voice when I said this and I needed to see your face."

"What? What do you have to say?"

"I came to tell you… that I was sorry."

"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I can't help but feel some sense of responsibility over what happened to you."

"It's not your fault."

"No, not entirely. These were circumstances beyond our control. Nobody could have foreseen what would come. Predict what would happen. Not even you, but I do share a part in it."

"How would you share a part? You always protected me."

"I used to think so. I was wrong. I thought that I was protecting you by keeping what was happening to you a secret. I've come to realize that secrets like these do more harm than good. When we keep secrets like these from adults we deny them the opportunity to make things better."

"When pa did find out it got worse." Hoss contended.

"What did he find out?" Adam shot up looking at his brother straight in the eyes. "That you were being hurt? What else? Did he know how you were being hurt? How bad or how often? Most importantly, did he know who?" Hoss dropped his head. "How could we have expected him to make things better for you without telling him?"

"What if it did only get worse?" Adam leaned back again.

"Worse than this?" Adam said as an ill-timed joke. Which Hoss didn't take well. "Listen, it might have gotten worse before it got better but only by being completely honest could we have allowed the opportunity for it to have gotten better."

"Why me?" Adam looked up at Hoss wondering what he was asking. "Why did Kyle take it out on me?"

"Oh." He took in a contemplative breath. "Because you were easy." He said with sureness. "Because you were gentle and kind and masqueraded as a challenge. Kyle needed to crush you to feel some sense of empowerment over his own life. Controlling the giant made up for his inability to control the monster." He could see Hoss was struggling with this concept. "Pa tells me you read Frankenstein at school." If his brother was trying to change the subject this was a poor way to start. But how could he know the trauma behind the book? "When Kyle called himself Dr. Frankenstein and you the monster I think there might have been some truth in that." That was probably the worst thing his big brother could have ever said to him. He took it as a devastating blow. Why would he say that? "You assume Dr. Frankenstein was the hero in the story. Why?" Hoss thought about the question. Wasn't he? "Do you remember the story? Do you remember the monster? When the monster was born, think back, to the first spark of life. There was innocence in him. Wasn't there? He wanted nothing more than to experience love. Like we all do. To be loved. To be accepted. The very basic need of every babe… of every man. It's the core of every human desire. But he was denied this, wasn't he? Rejected. First by his creator and then by society. Because of this a darkness brooded. Kyle hurt you. He rejected you. In a way, he created you. He made you into the angry person you became, in the same way the doctor created his monster. You ever stop to think that perhaps it was Dr. Frankenstein who was the real monster for the way he rejected his creation."

"He was human."

"Yes he was and he made mistakes much as we all do and he was suffering from his own demons."

"Wait are we still talking about Frankenstein?"

"and Kyle. For they are one in the same. He too was human. He was angry. He was afraid. Kyle had his own monster to contend with. The constant fight to be loved by the one person he needed it from the most, his creator. But he too was rejected. His father created Kyle as Kyle created you. You were struggling with something you kept inside. You can't keep a secret that big and not expect some of it to spill out. It did spill out. Didn't it?" Hoss looked at his brother curiously. "Onto Little Joe." Suddenly, he understood. "In the same way Kyle was keeping a secret. He was struggling with something at home that would spill out at school. Onto you."

They spent several minutes in silence as Hoss took in Adam's words. "I got one!" Joe shouted emphatically, lifting a goliath from the water before the feisty thing whipped the boy with his tail to escape. Joe dropped his shoulders disappointedly and stared into the water with a pout. Hoss and Adam burst out in the absurdity in it. Though disappointed in his loss, Joe couldn't help but smile in his heart. It has been so long sense he heard his brother's laugh. Both of them for that matter. He kept his face in a scowl to not ruin the moment. But even this he couldn't maintain for too long. Evident when the sides of his lips rose up into his cheeks, as he did his best to fight off the smile.

"I've got one more surprise for you." Hoss queried. "You're getting your own room. So is Joe. Pa and I have talked about it we're changing the whole upper floor. Adding on to it."

"You're going to do it?"

"Well not me personally but I'll draw up the plans." Hoss gave him a funny look. "Well am I an architecture major or what?"

"Minor and you've only been in school for one year." Adam laughed. "I'm not going to do it alone. We're hiring Mr. Skinner to help out."

Over the next few weeks Hoss's mood gradually improved with time. Adam drew up plans just as he promised. Namely adding five more rooms to the upper story. The room that he grew up in, that he shared with his brothers would be turned into a guest room. They would each get their own room upstairs with two more guest rooms.

~.~

"I met the new teacher today." Ben mentioned that evening over the dinner table. "She was young and proper. Not much older than Adam. She specializes in raising good ladies and gentlemen. God fearers with the love of the arts. Poetry, music, theater. Her name's Ms. Abigail Jones. I think you'll like her. Give her a try Hoss. For me?"

"I'll go with you." Joe offered, with those words letting everyone in the room know that he was ready for school.

"Give her a try." His pa plead.

"Sure pa." Hoss replied and Joe smiled broadly.

~.~

They saw Adam off once again. Each saying their goodbye's and watching the stage leave. The house would get finished over the next few weeks without him.

~.~

On the first day of school after the beautiful summer, father and sons rode side by side on the roadway to town. Hoss had to be reintroduced into the school environment. After all that had happened to him, his father vowed he would go with him to help him get readjusted.

Halfway between home and town, as they approached the turnoff to the old McCabe place, Hoss's breathing changed. It picked up. His chest rose and fell as he was trying to draw in breath. His horse fell behind the others. Joe glanced back at his brother whose face bore the look of dread. It was paled and clammy. His hands were trembling.

"You okay Hoss?" Joe asked. He was going to be sick. He dropped off the horse heading into the adjacent brush, where he lost his breakfast. Ben jumped off his horse and went to his boy.

"Son, son." He rubbed his back cajolingly. "It's alright. It's alright son. We're not going." Perhaps it was too soon. A little bit more time. "We're going home."

~.~

The following day Joe was taken to school alone. Hoss went back to work on the ranch, finding comfort in this. Familiarity. A sense of purpose. Several more weeks past and Hoss was gaining back his confidence and becoming more comfortable with his surroundings.

The deal went through giving Ben five hundred more acres of land to contend with and contend they did. It was difficult work taming this wild country. The work load grew with the proportion of the ranch. Ben wondered if there would ever be a right time for Hoss to go back to school. He was happy again. He felt most at peace when he was helping Reagan with the ranch, but all that would change again the moment he took him back to school. Right or wrong, he never brought it up to Hoss again.

Joe wouldn't quite have the same experience as Hoss had. His biggest problem would end up, not so much being bullied as he made friends easily, it was more so not sitting still. He was liable to fly right out his desk at times. Not to say he didn't get picked on. He'd be attacked for being puny. Joe was fiery though and didn't take bullying sitting down. Ben was smarter now. Wiser. When Little Joe would come home trying to hide a bruise he'd gotten at school, he knew what to look out for.