"Connor?"
"Yeah, Evan?"
"What did you do with my letter?"
"Oh," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. He can't hide the guilt any more than he can hide the nail polish chipping off his fingers.
"I still have it." He draws it from his jacket pocket, neatly folded. "I must have read it a hundred times" His eyes dart away, a small, nervous smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He opens it, scanning the familiar words. His eyebrows knit together, confusion dawning on his face.
"I never understood this though,"
I brace myself, I don't know what to expect.
"Zoe..."
Oh
"All my hope is pinned on Zoe?"
"Right." I nod, not sure how to respond. How do I tell him I had the biggest stalker crush on his sister? I'd almost forgotten her since then. Not having the idea of her pinning me to that life had made it so much easier to leave. It was a fool's dream. But Connor doesn't know that. What if he no longer wants to be around me? I can't go through this alone
"It's okay," he says. I guess he could tell. Everyone probably could.
"She was my biggest regret. That I wasn't there for her. That I scared her, practically ruined her childhood. That she didn't feel safe around me. That she saw me how everyone else did - a freak. I'm glad she met you."
"She thought you were awesome,"
I'm shocked
"She thought I was awesome? Your sister?"
"Definitely!"
"How?" I can't believe it, doesn't make any sense... and why would Connor be telling me?
He turns to face me properly, fringe falling into his eyes. He brushes it aside, thinking for a moment.
"Well, she said,
There's nothing like your smile.
Sort of subtle and perfect and real.
She said,
You never knew how wonderful
That smile could make someone feel."
"And she knew,
Whenever you get scared,
You tremble, and your voice kind of shakes.
But she noticed,
That somehow you still smile, Even when you feel like you can't go on."
"But she kept it all inside her head
What she saw, she left unsaid.
And though she wanted to,
She couldn't talk to you.
She couldn't find the way.
But she would always say..."
"If I could tell him,
Tell him everything I see.
If I could tell him,
How he's everything to me.
But we're a million worlds apart.
And I don't know how I would even start...
If I could tell him.
If I could tell him"
"Did she say anything else?" I'm reluctant to ask
"About you?"
"Never mind, I don't really care anyway,"
"No, no, no just, no, no she said, she said so many things
I'm just, I'm trying to remember the best ones." He stammers. His hands shake, his face flushes.
"So, um,"
Why's he so nervous?
"She thought,
You looked kind of cute, er
It looked kind of cool, when you wore that cast, with my name every day,"
"She did?"
He nods.
"And she wondered, how you learned to cope,
Even though nobody showed you the way,"
His eyes flick to mine for a moment. They're glistening with tears.
"But she kept it all inside her head
What she saw she left unsaid,"
"If I could tell him
Tell him everything I see
If I could tell him
How he's everything to me,"
"But we're a million worlds apart,"
"And I don't know how I would even start.
If I could tell him,"
His voice trails off. He clears his throat, and says loudly, clearly;
"If I could tell him.
But what do you do when there's this great divide?"
"She just seemed so out of reach..."
"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"
"It's like I don't know anything..."
"And how do you say,"
We stare. We don't speak. What could we say?
"I love you,"
His crystal blue eyes bore into me. One of them is half brown.
"I love you,"
How did I never notice that?
"I love you,"
Oh my God...
"I love you!"
His hand covers his mouth, he chokes back a sob. His eyes squeeze tight. A single tear rolls down his cheek. His body quivers with the effort of holding back what has tortured him for so long.
I place my hand on his shoulder. He stills under my touch.
"Connor?"
I wrap my arms around his shoulders. He clings in desperation to the back of my shirt and he shakes in my embrace.
I barely hear what he says, his voice is so soft, so gentle. Something I'd never expect to hear from Connor Murphy.
"But we're a million worlds apart.
And I don't know how I would even start."
He looks up at me, eyes wide.
"If I could tell you..."
His gaze darts between my eyes and my mouth, so quickly I wonder if I even saw it at all.
"If I could,"
His sentence is cut short. His lips are on mine.
"Crap, Evan I'm so sorry, that was selfish of me, I - "
But it doesn't matter to me. I take his hand, and I say,
"Everything's okay..."