Life As A Fox

Chapter 44

NSW

Ha. Well, like I said, I knew my actions in the last chapter would be a very controversial subject, but I never imagined some would feel so strongly against it. But, like I also said before, I will not apologize for it. So yes, call me a brat, or a drama queen, call me heartless and cruel, it doesn't matter - I still will not lower my standards.

That being said, it doesn't matter how long you've been on . It doesn't matter how many stories you have written or what you do in real life, none of this automatically makes your opinion worth more than any of the others here. But apparently some of you think you can speak on behalf of the entire audience. You don't, the last couple comments have shown me that. So, if you think for one second that a couple long-winded rants about how authors should write will 'scare' me into compliance you, sir or madam, are mistaken. For I will do no such thing. I will continue to write how I always have - which seems to be what the majority of reviewers prefer.

I will continue to bring both pain and happiness to Naruto. (But no pain to come will be as bad as this, though. Of that - you have my word as an author.)

So yes, you can analyze all you want how I 'could' have made this work without their deaths. How I could have 'saved' them, the OCs whose original creation, I digress, was to cause pain. You got me, but to sit on your high throne and berate me for doing something different...something not normally done...

I laugh, because now, I move on, knowing that I am a writer of my own will - a writer who does not fit inside the normal standards.

Just because I write differently does not mean I am a bad writer, or a terrible person. Did I not say that I too felt pain writing their deaths? Did I not say that I cried as well? Or maybe you didn't read that part? That's fine, you tend to skip things when you are upset.

I will take crap for killing off people, and - for those of you who felt so, my Author's Note was not meant as a 'slap to your face'. I was simply stating the facts, (This too should not be considered a slap to your face, but instead a wake-up call, a reality check. Sometimes bad things happen, but you can either fight the inevitable, or get back up and continue. it's your choice, not mine, I chose to get back up and continue to write.)

Now with that said, I want all of you to know, that I do deeply care for you - really I do. You have been very supportive and continue to help make this story come to life. I care about each and every one of you - even the ones who declared war against me, I still care for you. Those who abandoned the story, I am greatly saddened, but it remains your choice to do so. I will continue to move on.

Last thought, everything I did and will continue to do, is for the sake of the story and is my decision alone. The very sad truth of the matter is that the next part of Naruto's life couldn't happen without the deaths of his students - which were not only necessary but also essential.

But, if need be, you can go off and grieve in your own way for a bit. Take a breather, grab some hot cocoa and pocky - sit down and read something full of fluff and goodness. I will not hold it against you - in fact: I encourage it. I will continue to write and you can come back on your own time. :D

Now, without further ado, the next chapter...

Hinata held young Hime in her arms. She beamed down at her young daughter, chuckling softly to herself as the little 'Princess' squirmed about. Hinata thought randomly that it reminded her of watching a newborn puppy scrambling about, indulging in the warmth of the mother. Quietly Sakura entered the room, her face downcast.

Hinata looked up to her "What's the matter?" she asked, catching sight of Sakura's face. Sakura gave a heavy sigh. "Something, bad has happened." Sakura said simply. Hinata froze "No, it can't be...not Naruto..." Sakura shook her head "No, it wasn't him. It was them." she said, not elaborating. There was no need to, Hinata knew exactly who she meant.

Hinata began to cry as she mourned for the three young children who had brought so much enjoyment and laughter in her life. She could not imagine how Naruto had to be feeling, she wished she could go comfort him, but she was still recovering after the birth. "How is he?" Hinata asked Sakura looked away, "Thats the thing, I am scared, I am really scared Hinata."

Hinata gently placed Hime in the bed side cradle then turned to Sakura, Sakura ran to her arms and embraced in them. Sakura cried "I have never...never seen anyone like this, it's sad just to look at him, it hurts to go near him, what he did...what he did to his body, trying to get her home in time, to try and save her..."

Hinata and Sakura wept over the loss of the three children who will always be remembered and adored in their hearts and minds. Hinata cried for both of them and for Naruto as well, knowing this unimaginable blow came, too soon, and too quick. He had just finally gotten used to the idea of being a sensei and a father, and now his children were taken away from him. Hinata could only imagine what she would have felt like if her little Hime was taken.

Mammoth stared at the three faces looking at him from the three death forms. He had to sign these, it was required. Yet he could scarcly bring himself to mark the box 'deceased' next to the face of a girl who was only 13. The same went for the two boys, this was a terrible blow - they all knew how much Fluffy had cared for them, how he had treated them like his own. Mammoth himself cried when he had heard of their deaths. He had only known them for a short while but those fresh innocent faces would always be there in the back of his mind.

Mammoth sighed. He shook himself, he had to do this, he had to be strong and be the Anbu general he was. He squared his shoulders, picked up his pen, then marked what needed and signed where he had to then he put them silently in their required folders, sent for Mouse and was done.

Kiba, Shikamaru, Neji and Lee, sat hunched in a corner with each other in the hospital waiting room. They stared at the floor, or at their hands - not speaking. They didn't have to speak they all knew how much it hurt, each was coming to his own terms with it. Neji finally spoke "Ten-ten and I, we were going to ask Gin to be the flower girl in the wedding."

The three other men glanced to Neji, it was first time hearing news of this. "Oh." Kiba said "...congratulations. That's great news." he added softly, knowing it was the proper thing to do. "It dosen't feel like it." Neji said. "The happiness seems to pale after seeing...that." Kiba nodded knowing full well what he meant: Naruto.

They had went to see him, wanting to know how he was doing, Sakura went with them. He was in intensive care, mostly under heavy sedation, the reason was said for the pain, but it wasn't. It was to keep him under control, keep him from going mad with agony and attacking people, like he had done before...

A feral growl tore through his throat, as his fangs lashed out grabbing hold of a nurse's arm, she screamed as he tore away her skin. They had managed to get him to release. He snapped and hissed, growled and howled, attacking anything that got near him, his eyes wild with pain, sadness and a burning hatred.

He tore open his side wound countless times, not caring at the toll it took on his body. He staggered to stand and fight but found his feet would no longer do his biding; he had worn them to shreds and they had not the strength to do so.

When he did speak he screamed and yelled for Gin, asking-no demanding where she was. no one had yet to tell him, for fear of what this creature might do. Other times he yelled for Baru and Chikao, but those where when he had fevered visions.

So after a while they began to place him on constant sedation, at least until his body healed - maybe then his mind would work better if it was not under the constant strain of pain from his body.

But before they had done this there was an incident when they had tried to change bandages, Sakura was one of the attending, usually the straps keeping his body still were strong and held him. But for some reason one had snapped, allowing his head to roll free. Without warning he had grabbed Sakura by the wrist and tore at her like a rabid dog shaking with all his might.

Sakura escaped, and she had to go to Tsunade and three other prominent healers to fix the damage done before Lee or any of the others could see the damage that had been done.

Kiba, Neji, Shikamaru, and Lee had entered the room, there Naruto lay on his good side, tubes running out of his mouth and nose, wire attatched to various places on his body constantly monitoring him. He was strapped down tight in case the medication wore off. Which it did on occation and left Naruto staring out with foggy sorrow filled eyes.

Kiba and the others spoke to him, hoping their voices and words could calm the tornado of torment inside of him, but their words fell on deaf ears. Naruto had escaped deep inside his mind, to a place far from the real world. This was a place of darkness and pain, consuming and containing him here, trapping him with in it's painful walls.

He stood in a bleak white landscape no outline of anything for miles and miles, it streched on endlessly, all that blew was snow and ice. He was alone, forsaken and forgotten. He look down and their bodies lay at his feet, bloodied and mangled, death would not grant them peace or beauty. He howled and howled until his voice was raw, and yet his heart still keened long after.

His tears flowed never ceasing. Slumping he fell to the ground, his cries calling out for someone to grant him mercy and end his life, so that he would not suffer, he begged and pleaded, bargained hoping that the gods who had cursed him, and who shunned him would favor him this once, and grant him the peace of death, to ease his suffering.

But none could hear or did not wish to help, so he grew angry and cursed the gods even more. Then he moved back to himself cursing and berating himself, questioning his abilities, How could he let them die? Why was he not strong enough? These questions re-played over and over in his mind along with the images of that night.

The agony streched on for eternities, He forgot all semblance of time, forgot all that was in the real world, the friends he still had, the people who adored him in the village, all of them lay like sun-bleached bones in the sun, used and forgotten, to be thrown away or kicked to the side, their usefullness run dry.

He soon turned his anger onto not only himself, but also the world. He cursed it for letting people like the Chen clan exist, for letting kids like his follow him so foolishly and blindly; but his anger would soon be forgotten, and the blame and guilt would always revolve around him.

Who knows how much time had passed before he drifted away from his dark place back to the real world. At first he would admit, the physical pain was gone, or at least it was numbed to the point of being gone. He drifted his eyes lazily around the room. There was a familiar figure, at first he couldn't place a name, but he knew the pink hair was important. Then the name finally drew upon him, Sakura.

He made no move to speak to her, she had seen him see her, but he did not try to capture her attention, he only noticed then ignored. He glanced about him, several plants graced the windowsill, telling him he had been here awhile. The outside world was dripping, as snow melted. He snapped his head up only to find it secured to the table.

He growled and fought the bonds, he would not be tied down, helpless - like before! He heaved and shook, but his strength and deteriorated much. But still he fought like a wild animal at those bonds. Sakura was talking to him, in soothing tones, but he ignored her words, he would not be spoken to like a child! He snapped at her, why would they tie him down? He only wished to look outside the window, see for himself how much time had passed.

Strength finally left him, he lay exhausted, Sakura waited for him "Naruto." he heard her say, he finally paid attention. "Naruto." she said softer, he glared at her in annoyance, "Do you know where you are?" she asked. He snapped in anger, then spoke his voice ragged "Hospital...how long?" he asked suddenly, fearing the answer.

She spoke: "Two months." He moaned, "Why...am I..tied?" Sakura looked away, then back. "To protect you..." Naruto smirked and shook his head "No, to protect yourselves. You fear me...you fear the wolf, that is good, you should fear me...I only bring pain...and sorrow to those near me. You should have abandoned me, left me to die in the streets, out in the cold...like them."

Sakura was quiet she had placed a hand over her mouth to silence the sobs "Please..don't speak like that-" "IT'S THE TRUTH"! he roared at her. She gasped backing away like a child that had been reprimanded. "They died because of me, because I had led them, because they called me father. I am cursed...anyone who cares for me, gives me joy or comfort in my life...the gods will punish, because they detest me."

Sakura shook her head, crying "No Naruto no, you are not. Please, please speak, tell me what happened, then we can help you get over this-" "GET OVER IT?" he roared once more straining against the bonds. "Get over watching as one by one, your children fall before you in painful bloody masses? Baru, his leg ripped open...Chikao, his neck tore away from him...and Gin...poor innocent Gin... succumbing to her wounds because I was not fast or strong enough to save her."

He panted ragged, "One...does not simply get over this! nor will I ever! and neither you nor anyone else could ever understand how I feel! I did not loose a simple close friend! I lost all! ALL OF MY CHILDREN, ALL OF THE ONES WHO I CALLED MY OWN!" he howled in anger, screaming in rage. Sakura backed away quickly overcome by the aura he sent out, a self loathing all consuming aura of hatred.

Sakura fled the room, she clasped a hand to her mouth and leaned agianst the wall, sobbing, her body shaking in fear. She slowly sunk to the floor, not knowning of what to do, how to react, all she knew was that she was terrified of Naruto, he spoke like a person who had nothing to live for and did not care who he hurt.

The next days wore weary on everyone at the hospital, anyone who entered the room, was overcome by his aura, of perptural grief and consuming anger, he barked, growled, snapped and roared at everyone who came near. His wounds were mostly healed, the physical ones anyway, but until they could calm his emotinal ones they would not be able to move him to rehabilitation.

He ignored food and drink, refusing to take neither. Day by day he became skinnier and more weak, but his hatred and pain kept his rages strong. Sakura had tried everything, she tried talking to him slowly, she tried yelling back at him in equal measure, maybe if she had put up a fight he would back down, that only ended in utter chaos as he broke a few straps trying to get to her.

After almost a week of this constant abuse and strain people spoke amongst each other saying he had lost it, that he was to far gone. They had seen it happen several times before, when a ninja is the only survivor of a terrible mission, they go crazy with guilt and sorrow, condemning themselves in their minds that they did not deserve kindness or to live.

Sakura would not think or speak of such things, she knew the Naruto she knew and loved was in there, just waiting to be found, he just had to come to terms with the deaths, somehow have closure. So today she tried a new approach "Naruto, do you want to see their graves?" Naruto was surprised she had came out so forward.

It didn't give him time to think of anything bitter to say to her. He was silent "What is the point? I know they are dead." Sakura spoke "It might be...nice, to finally work your body, get it up and moving again, go outside to the fresh air? I am sure they would want it..." A low growl formed from his throat she silenced herself, he always began to growl if you spoke in ways that he did not approve of.

Naruto glared at her growling for a few moments then turned back to the window, something he was always looking out. "They would want a lot of things" he said finally, dejected, as if giving up for now. "A lot of things they will never experience because of me." Sakura sighed it was worth a try.

Hinata listened to Sakura while giving a toy to Hime, she giggled and cooed like a baby does and played with the rattle, Hinata sighed finall. "This...I knew this would be hard, we all did, but who could imagine?" Sakura nodded "If we don't change something soon, we will have to order a wolf-size coffin." Sakura stated simply "What?!" Hinata exclaimed stunned, how Sakura had said something so horrific so casually.

Sakura looked to Hinata "He won't eat, he won't let anyone get near him to give him anything. He just lies strapped to the bed, he allows for pain medication but that is all, it's like he just wants it to end...I fear he is trying to kill himself." Hinata began to cry - she could never imagine Naruto ever contemplating or even trying to do something to terrible.

Kiba came in and rushed to her "What did you say?" Kiba asked Sakura "Naruto is trying to kill himself, there is nothing we can say or do, you might want to say good-bye to him while you still have the chance. However, the creature in that room...is not Naruto."

"Not the Naruto we knew."

So, well this is what I have so far, so I hope you enjoyed, and thank-you for the support once more.

NSW