A/N: Thanks for reviewing!

Well how long can this last, missing is that purpose in my life but I can get it back

Studying the Jedi texts was time-consuming and arduous, particularly due to the esoteric writing style. Neither Rey nor Finn had been particularly scholarly in the past, so getting through them was a difficult task. Finn just wanted to learn and was generally excited whenever they sat down to study. Rey had a more specific goal in mind and found pontifications on the Force to be more tedious than anything else. Her gratitude that working with Finn helped her stay motivated was somewhat diminished by the way he deferred to her interpretations rather than engaging with the material himself.

Luke had been an unwilling teacher, though she had learned a few important truths from him. Master Leia was more dedicated to passing on what she knew, but her teaching method was as efficient and direct as was her approach to everything else. And Ben… Well, best not to dwell on what she'd learned from him. In any case, Rey was frustrated that studying with Finn was not particularly edifying for her and she tried to comfort herself with the fact that he seemed to be learning quite a bit.

They were scheduled to meet every day, and managed to find time in their schedules to do so most of the time. Days turned into weeks and Rey was increasingly dissatisfied. She found it necessary to retreat to the Falcon from time to time, though no further visions manifested. Perhaps that was for the best. She wanted answers, but they were not forthcoming from either the texts or the Force itself. And it had been a painful experience to see him again. So she tried to resign herself to the tasks allotted to her as the sole Jedi in the new Republic.

Teaching Finn was a vastly preferable use of her time than many of the other jobs she was given. Yes, she was able to use the Force at will, but she had no experience in diplomacy. Her upbringing had required a very different set of skills and she struggled to work with people who were more concerned about themselves than they were the needs of others, a trait she had naively thought was relegated to those struggling to survive. She quickly found that she was passionate to help people in the kinds of desperate straits that she had raised herself in, but the fact that those in power had different priorities made her outlook grow increasingly bleak.

"How did Leia do this her entire life?" Rey asked rhetorically as she stared into her drink at dinner. The last meeting with diplomats had gone long and it had taken all of Rey's limited self-control to keep from throwing them around the room as they continually refused to listen to Kaydel's entreaties on behalf of the New Republic. What was the point of even having a Jedi in that meeting if she couldn't do anything?

Rose patted her shoulder in sympathy. "You're doing great, Rey."

Poe and Finn joined them before Rey could express the depth of her concerns. "What's wrong?" Finn asked her.

"Bad day," she replied briskly.

Rose and Finn exchanged a glance around her while Poe frowned at his plate. "You'd think the Capitol could have a greater variety," he muttered. Finn nudged him and he looked up at Rey. "Don't worry, kid, getting people to work together is much more difficult when we don't have a common enemy. People never believed the First Order was a real threat until it was destroying the Hosnian System. Now they don't believe us that it's been reduced but isn't gone. It's poetic."

"Poetic?" Finn echoed skeptically.

"Yes, poetic," Poe emphasized with a broad smile. "Anyway, Rey, you can always use that mind trick thing you have if negotiations are going badly."

Rose choked on her drink and shot him a glare. "That's not a very Jedi thing to do."

"From what I've heard, it seems like exactly what a Jedi would do," Rey grumbled to herself, thinking of Luke's opinion of the Order. "But I think history has shown it's not the best tactic to keep a Republic together."

With a shrug, Poe returned to his dinner. "You have a point. But they did ensure peace in the galaxy for a thousand years, regardless of how it ended."

Rey's eyes narrowed. "I'm not going to trick people into doing what we want them to. I have no idea how long it lasts," she added. "They might rethink things as soon as the meeting is over and it will have been useless. Besides, it only works on the weak minded."

"So most politicians," Poe grinned and even Rey had to laugh at that, in spite of her mood. "Rey, we appreciate that you are here, helping Kaydel and Lando with the negotiations. Your presence is a boon to us."

"A boon?" Rose was incredulous at the phrasing.

With a wave of his hand, Poe continued. "You're a symbol to the galaxy, Rey. A symbol of hope. Having even your tacit support of our plans significantly helps. You single-handedly defeated Kylo Ren on more than one occasion, killed Snoke, and destroyed Palpatine. You're a hero of the highest order, wiping out the evil in the galaxy."

Finn and Rose both nodded their support and Rey had a sinking feeling. None of those things were strictly true and she was afraid of what would happen if they knew the truth. Would they send her away? Where would she go? Her whole life had been so simple on Jakku, focused on one goal – waiting for her family. And even Tattooine had been a welcome respite from the uncertainty of serving the New Republic.

"Hey, you okay?" Rose asked softly.

"Yes, I'm fine," she replied, getting hastily to her feet. "I have some things to do."

"Way to put on the pressure, Poe," she heard Rose admonish before she was out of earshot. Her heart was pounding so loud she almost expected the passerby to hear, so she headed to her one refuge. Her quarters were nice, but the living area was densely packed and she could never really expect to find lasting privacy there – it was, after all, the first place people would look for her. So to the Falcon she went, hiding in the captain's quarters until her tears had eased and she felt like her heartbeat was back to its normal speed.

Taking a shaky breath, she got to her feet. "Rey?" She jumped and turned to find Rose standing in the doorway, a look of chagrin on her face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your grieving process."

"My what?" Rey asked, confused, which only increased Rose's discomfort.

No longer making eye contact, Rose looked behind her and shuffled her feet. "I mean… I know you knew Han Solo and saw him – well, you know. We all just assumed that's why you come here. Isn't it?"

Rey had to look away from Rose's scrutiny as the other woman's expression was expectant and sympathetic. "Not exactly," she admitted, heart pounding at the sudden insane impulse to tell her friend the truth. And to let whatever happened happen.

"Hmm. Do you want to talk about it?"

Yes, the voice in Rey's head screamed but she kept her mouth shut, waffling with the desire for someone, anyone, to understand what she was going through and the desire to be who everyone thought she was. Rose looked so concerned, so gentle, that Rey gave in to the former. "I didn't kill Snoke."

"What?" This response was clearly not what Rose was expecting and she was startled before incredulous. "Of course you did. We all saw the First Order's propaganda. We know Snoke is dead – that's how Kylo Ren became the Supreme Leader for the last year or so. Though I suppose we all thought the Emperor was dead thirty years ago," she added thoughtfully.

Rey cleared her throat, which felt very dry. "He is dead. I saw him killed. But I didn't do it myself."

"Who did?"

"Ben – Kylo Ren did."

Brow furrowing, Rose seemed rather angry about that, which was not what Rey expected. "Did he? And he made you the scapegoat for him to climb the ladder? I knew he was evil but that was pretty low."

Shoulders sagging, Rey nodded. "Yeah, pretty low," she echoed.

Poe or even Finn would probably have let it go at that, but Rose put her hand on Rey's shoulder and looked up at her. "That's not why you told me. What really happened on the Supremacy, Rey? Why were you there, if not to kill Snoke?"

Well, now or never, Rey thought as she took a deep breath. She was already on the Falcon, so could quickly escape if Rose didn't take the news well. Her belongings, including the Jedi texts, were in her quarters and she would mourn their loss. But not too badly – she'd have to go into hiding, so studying the ways of the Jedi would probably not be very important. As for the rest, she was very good at finding useful things in hostile environments.

"I went there for Ben. Ben Solo. Leia's son."

"Leia had a son?" The past tense froze her tongue and she stared for a moment before realizing that Rose had referred to Leia's passing, not Ben's. Rose's incredulity reminded her of what she had been saying.

"Kylo Ren." Rose had no words for that, clearly shocked, so Rey continued. "I went because I thought I could turn him back from the Dark Side. He did not choose to leave with me. But he did kill Snoke to save my life. And fought with me against Snoke's guards," she smiled at the memory of being so in sync with another person, so unexpectedly on the same page for the first time. "But then he wanted me to stay and rule. I had to leave." There were tears in her eyes despite the brevity of her retelling.

She turned her attention to Rose with some trepidation. The other woman's shock seemed to have diminished and was now looking thoughtful. "How did you know that was an option?"

"We… have – had a bond. In the Force. It connected us sometimes."

Rose blinked slowly. "You're telling me that you had a psychic connection with the Supreme Leader of the First Order for over a year? And never mentioned it? Did he help you defeat the Emperor, too?"

"Yes. He saved the galaxy and my life."

"And then what happened?" Rose prodded with surprising gentleness.

"He died."