Chapter 9 - Where Do We Go From Here?

They stepped out of the portal and into Magnus' apartment, after briefly stopping by the Institute to drop the rest off there. Alec insisted on coming with him, not wanting Magnus to be alone, even though he insisted that he was fine.

It was weird and awkward, as if they were strangers locked together in an elevator, and couldn't speak the same language. The tension was thick and bulky, and very hard to ignore. For a moment they just stood there, in the middle of Magnus' lounge, staring into space trying to figure out what to do next, what to say.

How could they mend all the broken pieces between them? Where do they go from here? Was there a way back?

"You really don't have to stay." Magnus finally broke the silence, trying to avoid eye contact at any cost, he was looking around the apartment as if it was his first time there.

Alec looked up at him, just as Magnus' eyes scanned past him, and for the first time since they arrived at the apartment, they locked eyes. Alec had never seen Magnus so frightened and vulnerable, even when he got sick from Lorenzo's magic.

It was a strange thing seeing him that way, with that childs look in his eyes, after being so used to his always strong demeanor, as if no one and nothing in the world could break him, the great Magnus Bane.

"I want to." Alec finally said, barely above a whisper. He stepped forward carefully, trying not to startle him, he slowly wrapped his arms around Magnus' frame. "I want to be here for you." he added in a soft caring tone.

But Magnus went rigid in his arms, Alec could feel the warlock's breath hitch in his chest, he could practically hear his heart banging against his ribcage, so he stepped away, trying to hide his pain. "I… I'm sorry, it's just…" Magnus stammered, not knowing exactly what to say.

Alec raised his hand and smiled faintly, "It's OK." he said, even though deep inside he knew he wasn't, "I understand." but he didn't.

Alec could only imagine what was going on in Magnus' mind, how he must feel and what he was thinking. Who did he think Alec was? "I guess we have a lot to talk about…" He said, trying to catch Magnus' eyes again, but in vain.

Magnus walked over to his drinks station and poured himself a glass of whiskey, he offered one silently to Alec, who just shook his head. "Yes, I suppose we do." Magnus agreed, "Although, I could use a nice bath and a good night's sleep first."

If the situation weren't so complicated and grim, Alec would smile, maybe even laughed, because for a moment there he sounded like the Magnus he remembered, his Magnus. But he just nodded and ran his fingers through his already messy hair, "I know." He said quietly, "It's just… If you don't mind I - I think maybe there are a few things… we should probably - I mean, I would like to clear up."

Alec wanted to hit his head against the wall, it was way beyond frustrating, and he had no idea what he could say to fix things, or even where to begin. He just knew he needed to start somewhere, so they don't get to a point where they are beyond repair, if they weren't already.

"What do you want to know?" Magnus asked him, taking a seat on one of the arm chairs.

Alec took a step closer, and watched him as he sat down, he could tell that Magnus was watching him as well, from the corner of his eye, probably monitoring his movements to make sure he doesn't get too close.

"Did Asmodeus do something to you?" He finally asked, taking a seat as well, on the opposite couch. "Did he say to you something about me?"

Magnus took a deep breath and looked down into his glass as he spoke, "He planted false memories in my mind."

Alec took a deep, sharp breath and opened his mouth to respond, but then closed it again, when he realised he had no idea what to say to that. He knew Asmodeus must have done something; after his mother came to him and especially after they met in Alicante, it was apparent that he was being manipulated by his father somehow, but planting false memories in his mind? That, he would have never guessed.

"Of me?" Alec finally managed.

"Yes."

"I'm assuming they weren't good."

"No."

"He also erased my real memories..." Magnus added after another moment of awkward silence.

Alec winced, he knew he had to tell Magnus the truth, at least part of it, "He wasn't the one who erased your memories." he told him, keeping his eyes on him, hoping he will look up at him.

Magnus eventually did looked up at him, confused. "What? But he- Then who…?" Magnus' voice dimmed at the end as Alec gave him a sad look, and he began to understand without being told. "Did I…?"

Alec took a deep breath and released it in a heavy sigh, "Yes, Brother Zachariah told me that you came to him for help, you wanted him to erase your memories, but he refused." he explained the best he could, leaving out a few key details, usure of the timing, "So you did it yourself."

"Why?" Magnus' expression was gut wrenching and almost impossible to look at without breaking down. Alec knew that it must be difficult for him to cope with the loss of his memories, essentially losing yet another part of himself, and even worse, having those memories replaced with false ones, walking around not knowing what was real and what was fake. And all the while, knowing that he himself is partly to blame, it must be even more devastating.

The look in his eyes, broke Alec's heart all over again. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to explain everything that had happened, and help him make at least a bit of sense of everything going on, but he could see how exhausted and weak he was, Brother Zachariah also warned him in advance, not to overwhelm him with too much information, that it could do more damage than good.

"I think that's enough information for now, maybe it's best to just rest and talk about it when you regain some strength." Alec told him, thinking to himself that he wasn't ready just yet to tell him that he was the reason behind his actions. He knew that it was unfair towards Magnus, who was surely hating himself for taking such extreme measures, when really, Alec might be more to blame.

But how can he open that up now without pushing him even further away? There was so much separating them already, Magnus was keeping a safe distance between them as it was. Alec just knew it would not do any good for either of them, if anything, it would just tear them apart even more.

Magnus nodded slowly, not arguing, but Alec could tell he was desperate, he wanted to know, he was sick of being confused and in the dark about his own life.

"Were we…?" Magnus asked, not knowing how to phrase the rest of the question.

Alec looked at him with a soft smile, and nodded lightly, "Yes, we were," he replied.

"Oh." Magnus shifted uncomfortably in his place, "Asmodeus made me hate you, with the fake memories."

"Yeah, I figured as much." Alec shifted slightly in his place on the couch, he desperately wanted to feel close to him again. Asmodeus was gone, the deal was off, Magnus had his magic back, he wanted to just be with him, he didn't want this feeling that Magnus barely knew who he was, and was even a bit scared of him. "So you don't remember anything?" he finally asked, "from before?"

"No, sorry." Magnus shook his head, as he stood up to refill his glass. "But every so often I get this feeling, it's hard to explain. Like when I saw you in Idris, under attack, my first instinct was to protect you."

Alec froze for a moment and then stood as well, he watched Magnus intently, trying to figure out his body language, searching for any sign of him letting his guard down. "I don't know, it's like deep down I feel like I want to be around you." Magnus added, as he turned back around.

Perhaps his memories were erased, but his feeling remained in tact. Just because he couldn't remember him, doesn't necessarily mean that his feelings just disappeared. Alec could no longer hold himself together, he stepped closer, and before he realized what he was doing, he cupped Magnus' face gently, as to not startle him.

They stared into each others eyes, as Alec began to stroke Magnus' cheek bones with his thumbs. For a moment, Magnus seemed to melt into the touch just like him, and when Alec slowly began to lean in, eager to close the small gap remaining between them, Magnus didn't pull away.

Their lips were mere centimeters away, their breath mixing together as one between them. Alec had already closed his eyes, he could feel the ghost of a touch of Magnus' lips, when he was abruptly pushed away.

Magnus dropped his glass of whiskey to the ground, the gold liquid spilling into a puddle on the parquet floor, and the glass shattering with a loud crack, smashed into a thousand glittering fragments around them, as he ran to the corner of the room, curled up on the floor, and hugged his knees up to his chest.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry." Alec said, trying to come near him, he wanted to comfort him.

But Magnus flinched, "Stay away from me." he shouted. Alec froze in his spot, feeling desperate and helpless, he couldn't just stand there and watch him breakdown, he wanted to hold him, kiss him, tell him everything was going to be alright. But he couldn't. So he just watched from the side, while Magnus rocked back and forth, as he began to Hyperventilate, pulling something out of his pocket and clutch it to his chest, slowly calming down.

Alec caught a glimpse of the omamori charm he had given Magnus, and his heart skipped a beat. Unconsciously he took a few steps closer and knelt down in front of him, as Magnus looked up, he didn't push him away when Alec pointed at the charm, "I gave that to you." he told him.

Magnus looked down at the charm, then back up at Alec, "Oh." he choked out, "I- I don't… I can't... remember." he said, his words like knives in Alec's heart.

"I know." the Shadowhunter whispered.

Slowly, Magnus stood, careful not to touch Alec, he moved away, walking towards his bedroom, on the way he stopped and spoke without turning to look at Alec, "You should go." he said softly.

"I don't want to." Alec told him, truthfully.

"I don't want you here."

And with those last words, he walked into his bedroom and locked the door behind him. Alec sat back on the couch, and heard in the distance, the water in the bathtub turn on, he tried hard to fight back the tears, but could no longer hold them in.

He knew he couldn't be angry at Magnus, he definitely couldn't blame him, if anything Alec was the one to blame, but he couldn't stop the anger that bubbled up inside the pit of his stomach.

Alec stood up decisively and walked into the linen closet, pulled out an extra pillow and blanket, then walked back to the lounge and set up the couch for himself, Magnus could try and push him away, but he wasn't leaving, he had to prove to him that he wasn't going to abandon him again.

Even though he couldn't even remember the first time he abandoned him, he wanted to show him that he cared. So when Magnus walked out of the bedroom in his pyjamas and froze when he saw he was still there, Alec just lay on the couch and told him that he wasn't going anywhere.

Magnus woke up the following morning and stretched his body in every direction on the bed, enjoying every inch of space he had to himself. He let out a large yawn and rubbed his eyes, as he slowly pulled out of his sleepy daze, and woke to full consciousness.

The Warlock lay on his back and opened his eyes, he stared at the ceiling for a long slow moment, as he felt his brain separate his dreams from reality, and piece together all that was forgotten in the comfort of his deep sleep.

Oh. Right.

In the background he could hear the sounds of pots and pans, and could smell breakfast cooking. He slowly straightened up in bed and cringed, fully remembering the events of last night. He sighed heavily and forced himself out of bed. After washing his face and brushing his teeth he finally made his way into the kitchen, where Alec was standing over the stove.

He stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the Shadowhunter's back as he moved and not yet noticed him. He contemplated with himself for a moment, whether he should at least try and give whatever is going on a chance, but as Alec turned and finally saw him there, he couldn't stop himself, Magnus just found himself trying to keep as much distance between them as he could.

"Good morning, how are you feeling?" Alec greeted him, with a smile on his face. Magnus returned a faint smile, all he wanted was a cup of hot coffee and a quiet moment to himself.

"I'm fine." Magnus replied dryly, he needed some time not only to wake up and start his morning peacefully, but also time to process everything, try and make some sense of it all and figure out what the hell he wanted and needed.

So Magnus quietly made his way to his coffee machine and poured himself a mug of coffee that has already been brewed, probably by Alec. He was about to make his way to the balcony, to drink his coffee, when Alec's voice stopped him in his tracks. "I made breakfast," he said, "come and eat with me."

Magnus just wanted to be alone, he wanted a moment to himself, he didn't want to have small talk in the morning, especially not with a man he barely knew and had bad memories of. But he reluctantly turned around, and sat down across Alec, who placed a plate of french toast in front of him.

Magnus did not touch his breakfast, just sat there sipping his coffee, and hoped Alec would let him have his quiet moment. "You're not hungry?" Alec asked, oblivious to Magnus' needs, "You used to love my french toast."

Magnus looked at him for a moment, and fought the urge to say 'yeah, used to.' He was feeling suffocated, hating the presence of another in his personal space, in his home. His home, where he just wanted to be alone. "I'm not hungry." He stated dryly, not caring how rude he was. He wasn't the one invading, he wasn't the one who was staying, even though he was specifically told not to.

"I'm sorry if this is all overwhelming for you," Alec continued, "it will probably take some getting used to." was he serious? Alec was behaving as if they were just supposed to go back to normal, thinking that maybe, if he acted as if nothing has changed, everything will just fall into place.

Alec must have noticed that Magnus was feeling weirded out, because he smiled at him softly, "Sorry, I don't mean to come off too strong here." He said, "I'm just trying to show you that I care." Alec absentmindedly tried placing his hand on Magnus', who immediately winced and pulled away, leaving Alec with his hand hanging in the air for a moment.

Magnus shut his eyes, and took a deep breath, trying to will away the painful memories, but he couldn't help it, all he saw was the pain caused to him by Alec. all he could feel was Alec being here against his will and suffocating him, hovering around him.

"I didn't mean to…" Alec began, but had no idea how to end the sentence.

Magnus looked up at him, "I know, I'm sorry." he said, "It's just… I keep seeing you… the memories Asmodeus put in my mind."

"But they aren't real." Alec snaped, a little too forceful.

"I know, but I can't help it, I keep seeing it in my mind." Magnus said, "I know they didn't happen, but to me they feel so real, I can still feel the pain you caused me."

"I didn't cause you that pain." Alec knew he shouldn't be taking it out on him, but he just couldn't hold it in anymore, "this isn't fair."

"I know, I'm trying but-" Magnus began, but Alec cut him off.

"Then try harder!" he shouted, immediately regretting the words. His eyes widened, "I'm so sorry I didn't mean-" this time it was Magnus who cut him off.

"I think you should go," he said, trying to keep calm, while the dread and panic grew inside him.

"Magnus, please…"

"I want you to leave."

But Alec couldn't just leave, he tried to touch Magnus' hand again, but he just pulled away, wincing again, this time also jumping out of his seat and standing up, "Don't you understand that you're scaring me?" Magnus shouted, taking a few steps back and bumping into the countertop "I can barely be in the same room as you."

Alec just stared, shocked and hurt. Magnus looked away, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Alec finally stood and left without saying another word.