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Chapter 11 - Pandemonium

Fire messages were sent out right after Aliana had left his apartment. Mganus sent them to everyone and anyone he could possibly think of - sillies, werewolves and vampires alike. He wanted the party to be about reuniting, about celebrating the downworld and bringing everyone together.

But not the Nephilim. He definitely did not want any shadowhunters at his party, and he doubted that any of his downworlder friends wanted them there either. He has had a complete overdose of the half angels, and needed some time to cleanse, clear his mind with some dancing, alcohol and music.

Of course, he knew that Alec meant well, he understood that the memories his father planted in his head were fake, but everything was just so overwhelming, and he was feeling suffocated and confused. If Alec truly loved him and cared about him, he would certainly give Magnus some time to digest and clear his mind.

Magnus stood in front of the large mirror in his walk-in closet, it was the fourth outfit he had tried on, and was still not feeling like it was the right one. He sighed in frustration and looked over his entire collections of clothes once again.

On one side he had all of his trousers and jeans hanging next to a wide variety of coats and jackets. On the other side he had all his shirts, waistcoats and sweaters. At the far end wall he had all his shoes and boots organized on shelves, and beside them was a wall of accessories - belts, suspenders, chains etc. Next to the entrance to the walk-in closet he had his dressing table, with a small mirror and all his jewelry, make-up and glitter.

Eventually he settled on black slim-fitted trousers, a black collarless button-down shirt, with silver buttons closed up all the way, and a burgundy velvet jacket. He put on his snake ear-cuff and the usual rings, but no necklaces. His hair was styled up and slightly falling over the right side of his forehead, with a few pink strikes. He put on black eye-liner around his eyes and silver eyeshadow.

It wasn't the most festive outfit, and definitely less flashy than usual. But as he looked at himself in the mirror, it just felt right. He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he felt this strange instinct and without even realising it, he had picked out the outfit he was wearing.

As he collected his scattered clothes off the different surfaces in the walk-in closet, and began to organize everything back inplace, he noticed a glimmer of red on the floor, under a pair of trousers. He picked up the trousers, and the Omamori charm that was peaking out it's pocket, fell to the floor.

Magnus bent down and picked it up, then stared at it, flipping it over in his hands as he contemplated what to do with it. He was about to put the charm in his pocket, but then changed his mind and placed it on his dressing table and walked out his walk-in closet.

Right before he was about to open a portal that would take him to Pandemonium, Magnus walked back into his walk-in closet, picked up the Omamori charm and put it in his pocket. Then he portalled himself to the club.

He sat on the balcony bar, overlooking the dance floor. The music was blaring loud, and bodies were dancing close together, grinding and swaying to the beat. And as he watched friends that he had known for many years, some of them even hundreds of years, all of them having fun without a care in the world, he could finally breathe.

Magnus took a deep breath - in from the nose, and out from the mouth, releasing the air with a smile, because this… this feels real, it feels like home. For the first time in days, the warlock can finally feel like his brain isn't working over time. He can finally live and feel alive.

Taking a sip from his martini, he got up from his seat and decided to make some rounds, people have already been gesturing for him to come over, some have even came over to him and tried to usher him out of his hiding place.

But through it all, no one had expected him to be anyone other than what he is and who he wants to be. No one demanded any extra attention, or had forced him into anything he didn't want to do, they just let him enjoy his evening. In fact, they all had tried to help him enjoy it, by getting him drinks, making him laugh, or dancing with him.

He knew he couldn't ignore the whole memory situation, or just completely forget about the shadowhunter and move on. Magnus wasn't planning on running away from it, but he needed this moment to unwind, he needed it to help him get some energy to deal with it all.

The rest can wait one more night.

Alec kept checking his watch nervously as they walked, it was already so late and god only knows what Magnus could have gotten himself up to by now. But Izzy insisted that until they finally get to go out to a party all together, they had to do it properly. Apparently that meant taking another hour to get ready.

They were all making their way to Pandemonium, he and Jace were walking ahead, as Izzy and Clary walked in snail pace behind them. Alec looked over his shoulder a couple of times and then finally called out to them, "Can you please pick up the pace? We're already late."

"Calm down big brother," Izzy called back to him, smiling, "Don't you know that all the cool kids show up late?"

Alec rolled his eyes, and decided not to even justify that with an answer, he just sighed, feeling extremely frustrated and turned to look straight ahead. He couldn't help the thought that maybe they were walking so slow because they didn't want him to get to the club.

"Don't worry buddy," Jace told him, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing lightly, "I'm sure everything will be fine, you and Magnus always seem to work things out."

Alec looked at his Parabatai and gave him a sad smile, "Yeah, maybe… it's just really bad this time," he told him, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets and shrugging his shoulders, "On the one hand I want to be there with him, but that just pushes him away even more. But I'm afraid that on the other hand, if I give him space, he'll just forget about me completely."

Jace looked at his brother as they walked, he took a moment to process Alec's line of thought and then looked ahead. "I know it must be really difficult. I don't know exactly what you're feeling, but when Clary was with Jonathan I felt the same frustration, or a similar one anyway." Jace said eventually, "You can't over think it, that will just drive you even more crazy, and make you do even more stupid things."

"Like going after him in his party at Pandemonium?" Alec suggested and they both laughed.

"Yeah, exactly."

"I don't plan on ambushing him again." Alec promised, "I just need to make sure he's okay."

They walked in silence for a few more minutes, and then Alec looked over to Jace and took in a deep breath. "About our argument…" He began to say, but Jace quickly cut him off.

"Forget about it, it was in the heat of the moment, we both said some things…" Jace told him, "You were in a bad place, let's just move on, okay?"

"I just need you to know that I didn't mean to take it out on you." Alec insisted, "I said some really fucked up shit."

"Well, That's what brothers are for." Jace told him, then took a deep breath, "look if it really bothers you, we can talk about it later, but right now we have a warlock to protect." they stopped at the entrance to the club, waited for the girls and Simon who had apparently joined them at some point, and walked in.

They all grabbed a drink and sat down at a table in the corner of the club, Alec's eyes were constantly scanning the crowd, in search of his beautiful warlock. But there were too many people, and the place was way too big.

"He'll turn up eventually." Izzy told him, "Just try and have fun for a change."

"I'm not here to have fun." Alec insisted, taking a swig of his bear.

Izzy rolled her eyes and stood, pulling Simon up after her, "Well, if we're already here, I'm going to have fun." then she turned to Simon and smiled, "Let's go dance."

Alec watched as they walked off to the dance floor and disappeared into the crowd. He took in a deep breath and let it out in a loud sigh, that couldn't be heard over the music.

Despite the loud music, he could still hear Clary and Jace beside him. Clary wanted to go dance, but Jace was afraid to leave Alec alone. So he just rolled his eyes and turned to them and said, "Just go dance will you."

"Are you sure, because we can - " Jace began to argue, but Alec cut him off (Much to Clary's delight).

"Just go!"

"Okay, just don't do anything stupid."

As they walked out into the dancefloor, Alec finished his beer with another swig and got up from his seat. He walked up to the balcony and leaned on the railing, searching through the dancing mass of people.

Finally he saw him.

He could already hear Izzy's voice in his head, telling him to stay away, give him space. It will just push him further away. And Alec knew that, of course he understood what she meant, but at that moment, watching Magnus, voice of reason could no longer reach him.

His warlock was like a magnet.

And watching him dancing, was hypnotising. Alec just stood for a moment and watched, he couldn't keep his eyes off of him. Magnus moved with such grace and elegance, in beat with the music, as if he could feel it in his veins.

He was dancing in the center of the dancefloor, the spotlight basically only on him. He was smiling, and laughing. He looked really genuinely happy. And that's exactly what Alec wanted, wasn't it? For his warlock to be happy, with or without him, right? He tried to take a few deep breaths and calm his nerves, it helped a bit, but he still felt on edge.

How could he ruin that? How can he spoil his night by showing up, after seeing him so miserable the other day. He was going to give that to him, the night to just have fun. He was going to suck it up and walk away. He really was going to. He even began to turn away, despite how difficult it was to tear his gaze away from him.

But then Magnus began moving closer to a guy dancing in front of him, and they started moving together to the music, way too close. The few nerves he had managed to calm, were now back at full on rage. Alec clenched his jaw and his fists at his sides.

Without a second thought, he found himself making his way to Magnus just as the guy he was dancing with placed his hands on Magnus' hips and pulled him even closer. Alec reached them and shoved the guy away, "Get you hands off him!" He shouted, his back to Magnus.

"What the hell are you doing?" Magnus shouted as Alec turned to him.

"I should be asking you the same question." Alec told him, with too much anger.

"I'm not the one shoving people around." Magnus said, clearly pissed. "I was finally having a good time." his words were like swords, stabbing at Alec's heart.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realise that your idea of a good time, was grinding up to random men." Alec regretted the words as soon as they escaped his lips, and saw the pain in Magnus' eyes. They were silent for a long moment before Magnus turned his back and stormed off, pushing his way through the crowd.

Alec immediately went after him, trying to call his name, but it was too loud for him to hear. When they walked outside the club, Alec finally managed to catch up to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." He said, Magnus' back was to him.

"But you meant what you said." Magnus said, his voice filled with pain and anger, Alec wanted to deny it, but Magnus beat him to it, "I was finally feeling a little normal." he shouted, turning around, "Why won't you just leave me alone?"

"Because I love you." Alec told him, his voice weak. "I love you, and I can't just leave you."

"Well, I don't love you so…" Magnus said, crossing his hands, shrugging his right shoulder as his voice trailed.

Alec took a deep breath, trying desperately not to let those words get to him, reminding himself that Magnus was not himself. "But you did," he insisted, stepping closer, "and I know that if you try, you can feel it again." he took hold of Magnus' shoulders, "Please, just try."

"I don't want to." Magnus' shouted, trying to push away from him, "I hate you, I hate you." Magnus kept trying to get out of his hold, but Alec just held on to him.

"No you don't, I know you don't" Alec insisted, backing Magnus up against the alley wall gently.

"Don't tell me how I feel." Magnus said, but stopped fighting his grip, when Alec gave him a small push against the wall, and forced him to look him in the eyes. They stared for a moment, both panting.

"You look incredible, by the way." The shadowhunter told him, with a small smile. Magnus was taken aback by the sudden compliment, and looked at him confused, when he didn't reply, Alec smiled and spoke again, "I wish you could remember the last time you were dressed in this outfit."

Magnus suddenly squirmed under his touch, and with a quick strong shove, pushed Alec off him. "Get off me!" he shouted. "Stop trying to force who I was on me, I can't remember… I don't want to remember!"

Alec took a step back and raised his hands as if to surrender, "I'm sorry, I know that this is all much for you." he said calmly, "I know that coming on too strong."

"You think?" Magnus spat at him, crossing his arms again.

"But it's just so hard for me to just let you go, I can't." Alec continued, ignoring Magnus' remark, "I promise I will try to give you more space, but can you please try?" Magnus looked at him, something in his eyes softened, but his expression remained neutral.

After a moment he spoke, "I just don't know what to do," he said, "I've been trying, but it's like a battlefield in my head, my whole body actually."

"You could go speak to Brother Zachariah, maybe he could help you." Alec suggested.

"I don't know." Magnus sighed, "I just need some time, and I need you to give me space."

"Please Magnus…" Alec tried, but Magnus just gave him an apologetic and defeated look, then walked back inside the club.

Once back in the club, Magnus found the guy he was dancing with before Alec interrupted. He couldn't remember his name, or who he was exactly, but at that moment he was a great distraction. The mystery man was happy to welcome him back, wrapping his arms around Magnus' waist once again.

"Was that your boyfriend?" Mystery man asked, leaning close to speak into his ear. And when Magnus told him he wasn't, he added, "Good." and then leaned in to kiss him. It was rough and hungry, the guy was grabbing and touching Magnus like a thirsty man in the desert.

There was too much of everything, but that was not what bothered him. To his surprise, what bothered Magnus the most was the feeling that he was doing something wrong. Like somehow he was cheating, being unloyal by kissing this random man. Even though, despite what Alec might think, he was in fact single, and could be with whoever he wanted.

He tried to convince himself that this was okay, that he was allowed to hook up with someone if he wanted to, but he still felt… guilty. So as the mystery man began to kiss down his neck, Magnus tried to pull away, but the guy just moved forward as he pulled back. When he tried to pull way again, the man just clutched onto him harder.

"Let go of me!" Magnus shouted and shoved the man away, using all the force he could muster. He wasn't going to allow anyone to force him into something against his will ever again. His mystery man looked shocked and hurt, but Magnus couldn't care less. As soon as he got out of his hold, he just ran off out of the club.

He opened a few of his shirts buttons as he stepped outside, trying to breathe in the cold air. "God not again." He gasped, as the all too familiar burning in the pit of his stomach and the distress in his chest raised up once again. He leaned against the wall and slid to the ground, trying to take in deep breaths.

Magnus reached his hand into his pocket, but it came out empty. "Shit." he shouted, as he searched through the rest of his pockets. "No, no, no." he could feel his heart beat stronger, and his chest rise and fall faster and faster. "No, this isn't happening."

He managed to stand up and stumble back into the club, people tried grabbing him to the dance floor, but he managed to make his way passed them. Lucky they were all drunk, and weren't strong enough at their state. "God, where is it?" he mumbled to himself, trying to stay focused.